Don't forget to click here and check out 12/22/01's update ("You can keep your pathetic Middle Earth!:  The day the geeks went home"), where all you geeks can see I'm FAR from being the only one disappointed in The Lord of the Rings!

And the Geeks Shall Inherit the (Middle) Earth
Written by:  Alex Sandell and numerous geeks

Yesterday I wrote a semi-review for The Lord of the Rings.  Regular readers of The Juicy Cerebellum know that it wasn't my typical style of writing (it was hastily written, and not very good), and that it definitely wasn't the standard format I use to write movie reviews.  Regular readers also knew, immediately, that I was being sarcastic, and that I wasn't actually pleading for a job by being "complacent."  Unfortunately, it wasn't "regular" readers that chose to send me an email a minute since the review went up . . . it was the geeks.  

Without having any clue that I put intelligent, thought-provoking, dialogue-heavy movies into my best movies ever list, such as, 2001:  A Space Odyssey, Heavenly Creatures (directed by Peter Jackson, the man behind, The Lord of the Rings), Annie Hall, The Big Carnival, Citizen Kane, Bridges of Madison County, Dances With Wolves, Titanic, Contact, Dead Man Walking, The Dark Crystal, Fargo, E.T., Election, Glengarry Glen Ross, Gattica, Raiders of the Lost Ark, LA Confidential, Manhattan, The Iron Giant, Priest, On Golden Pond, Roger & Me, Rear Window, Unforgiven, The Empire Strikes Back, Sunset Blvd. and, To Kill a Mockingbird, these people have, as you will see in the emails below, labeled me an "idiot" unable to enjoy a movie longer than 90 minutes (at least 11 of the films mentioned above are over 2 hours, and at least 4 more are closing in on, or surpass, the three hour mark that their coveted "The Lord of the Rings" film sits at), or a film that takes any intelligence to sift through. 

These irregular geeks also failed to notice that I gave a 9, out of 10, to the film, Eyes Wide Shut, which runs over three hours, and is extremely slow-moving, or another 9 to the movie, A.I., which is at least 2 and a half hours, quite complex, and bored the hell out of a lot of people.  I also dropped a 9 onto Memento, which probably had 80% of the geeks writing me scratching their flaky heads.  The films above are far more complex than a movie with no purpose other than to throw a ring back into a big volcano.  I mean, I'm not slighting the whole "ring in the volcano it came from" concept, but it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure it out, and it shouldn't take 9 (there are 2 more Lord of the Rings' pictures coming out) friggin' hours to get there. 

But, enough of defending myself, and onto the geeks.  They worked hard typing emails to me, even though "their" movie is already critically acclaimed, and they had no need to, and I'm honored that they considered my writing powerful and provoking enough to be a threat to their "precious" film, so I may as well let their voices be heard, so they can pound their chests, pick a few zits, and go back to their D&D games.  Here are a handful of their letters (they were picked at random), in all their geeky glory.  Enjoy!

WARNING:  You will see, from the letters below, that these mutated globs of gluttonous goobers don't think a person is entitled to an opinion, unless it is the same as there own.   If you would prefer to continue to live your life without knowing that there are lemmings this limited out there in the world, do not read any further.  You have been warned . . .

NOTE:  My responses to the letters are in the Comic Sans' font.  The geeks' letters are the little tiny things, deliberately made almost as insignificant as the morons themselves.

what the fuck is wrong with you? Are you even a critic, or some joe shmoe? The only valid point you brought up was that it was a long film......so what? It was an amazing film, you are either just writing this bullshit for attention or to piss people off.

Or, because I believe it.

Have you ever read the books?  Have you ever read a book??  By the way, nobody really cares if you are a paid critic or not, but the fact you spent 1/2 a page bitching about the fact that you aren't won't get you there any quicker.
 
Also, I actually prefer movies to be longer. 90 minutes?  That would give the movie just enough time to give the same character depth as "Weekend at Bernie's" or the next "Ah-nuld dumbed down for the American Mass Audience" action flick.
 
Get a clue and get an attention span.  This film had me riveted from the first minute until the credits and I can't wait until the next film in the series is out.

I'm sorry, you must be confused, I was reviewing the movie, The Fellowship of the Ring, not the book.

you are no movie critic. do not kid yourself, your arrogance is overwhelming and you only cheat yourself. every one loved the movie the premiere night i saw it, and every one i have talked to since loved it. perhaps you are the one who doesnt get it. which may mean that you are in the wrong line of work. no you are to arrogant to think that it could be you. i doubt seriously if most people will listen to your review, and when they see the show they probally will ignore you from now on. y7ou are no credit to who ever you write for, in fact you may be a deficit. 

I'll talk to the editor of this page, right away! 

I haven't even seen the film but I think you're an idiot. Learn how to write properly and actually argue a case against a film rather and this trash you've written to simply appear rebellious and have more people read it as one of the only bad reviews of the film - which would imply you really don't have nfi.
 
M. Bowyer
Sydney, Australia

My GAWD, you're right!  I don't have my nfi!  I know I had it earlier this afternoon!  I bet it fell out of my pocket when I was beating the living shit out of that geek down at the comic book store!  He owes me!  Kudos on actually signing your email.  Most of the cowards writing me didn't have the nerve. 

So I have to agree with you, that LOTR is a boring movie, and it makes it suck...have you something to say about YOUR boring column, ASSHOLE!!...or better put, instead of believing that people are soooooooooo needy of jerks like you giving their narrow- visioned points of view, why don't you do as Mr, Jackson himself said, "If you don't like fantasy movies, don't see mine and shut the fuck up!!!".

You do pretty good with English as your second language.  It is your second language, right?

And I guess you can explain away your thumbs up for "Planet of the Apes" and the "Return of the Mummy" as mistakes from the past. Attempts to suck up with the best of them - only now you no longer do that sort of thing. Because God knows, these were two of the worst movies put out this year. No way Mummy gets a 9 unless the reviewer is insane, or hoping to reap some big time perks from the studio.

Or, maybe the reviewer simply liked a stupid movie, like we all do, from time to time, and had the nerve to admit it.  Sort of like you admitting to liking The Lord of the Rings.  It was a stupid movie about some midgets and a ring, but you have the nerve to admit you like it.  I'm proud of you, man! 

You call that a movie review?

No.

I was quite amazed at your scathing, pathetic review.  However I did go on to see the rest of your site and that you gave The Mummy Returns 9 stars, everything came into focus. Oh and don't worry I do know a few community college grads that came out alright, there is hope.

I'll cross my fingers for you.

and you call yourself a critic...

I call myself "Flower", but you can call me "critic", if you want to.

The Fellowship of the Rings gets a 4, while The Mummy Returns gets a 9? I'm glad you keep old reviews up, now I know that you have absolutely no taste.

This "Mummy Returns" thing is getting old. 

Your grammar is atrocious, your spelling is awful, and you have no idea how to construct a sentence.  Perhaps in the future you should think twice before criticizing Oxford professors (such as J. R. R. Tolkien) until you have at least mastered the fundamentals of English punctuation.

Zureash A

There is not a single criticism of J. R. R. Tolkien in my review, but now that you tell me he was a professor at Oxford, I'll definitely think about adding one!

Actually Alex you're the geek...  Rebelling against majority seems to be the cool fad among cynics like you. The sad news is it's shows exactly why you're still unemployed after 6 years

Actually, person too cowardly to leave a name, I am rebelling against the minority, when I rebel against geeks.  Get it straight.

My friend, you are completely wrong about Lord of the Rings. I saw it Wednesday and was blown away. It is the best movie I've seen all year and wouldn't be surprised if it gets nominated for best picture. It's that good. And if you can't see that I doubt your credibility as a film critic.
         -Dan Teasley

"If you don't agree with me I doubt your credibility as a film critic." 

I think you geeks have taken up enough of my time.  To the other 100 + people that have written, I want you to know that your email wasn't left out because it was a lesser letter than the ones above; it was equally bad.  I hope you can be comforted in the knowledge that I laughed at every geekmail I received, even the letters not posted here.

email Alex

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2001 Alex Sandell [All Rights Reserved].  I don't give a damn 'bout my bad reputation!