|The Juice On Lucas:
An Interview with George
Written By: Alex Sandell
Yesterday, in an attempt to get back some of the "twenty-something" Star Wars fans who have become disgruntled over the childish approach he took with his new Star Wars film, George Lucas agreed to sit down with The Juicy Cerebellum for a "Gen-X" interview. To avoid being fed the same shit with a different fork, The Juicy Cerebellum made Lucas agree to swallow a Chewbacca shampoo bottle full of truth-serum before the interview began. The results turned out to be stunning! Ladies and gentlemen, for the first time ever, meet the real George Lucas!
JC: As you know, a lot of the
original fans of the Star Wars series have ended up very disappointed with the
"kiddy" approach you've taken with the new film. They say that you are
leaving behind those fans that made Star Wars what it is, and, instead, are
catering to kids.
GL: I am catering to kids! Sure, you former young Americans like to collect all the crap, but, when it comes right down to it, it's the kids that are gonna keep coming back and the kids that are gonna keep buying the toys, bedspreads, sneakers, masks, makeup kits, T-shirts, boxer shorts, balloons, and whatever else my licensing team put out there. Just wait'll you see the 10-year-old set drooling over that gay alien with the annoying voice . . .
JC: Jar Jar Binks?
GL: Whatever. I just saw two jelly jars that my maid, who was fired over the incident, left sitting out on the counter, and then I happened to look over at my "Brink's Security System" and there was the name, "Jar Jar Binks." I removed the "r" from the "Brinks," of course, to be creative. I initially wanted to call him "Pizza Pizza Hut," but figured that was a bit too obvious, and people may confuse him with Jabba, my initial Pizza "Hutt" product-placement. "Eat more pizza, look like Jabba. WEEEEEEEEEE!" Did you know we taped Princess Leia's boobs down in Star Wars so they wouldn't bounce around? . . . Now we do that to mine, during shooting! It's a blast!!! No more, "hey, Lucas, your tit is covering the lens, again" sort of crap. We had to re-film a large portion of the movie due to the fact that at least 25% of it was nothing more than a close up of my chin or one of my boobs. It was rather embarrassing. We claimed it was due to a sandstorm, or something. The fans believed us. I can get the fans to buy just about anything. That's probably why those Darth Maul Pez Dispensers keep flying off of the shelves. As long as you suckers keep buying, I'll keep right on filmin'!
JC: So this new film is just a big
toy advertisement? I've heard people accuse it of being just that. A two hour
advertisement for toys.
GL: You heard right. The more aliens, the better! "Each alien equals another billion," I always say. (Laughs hysterically while humping a blowup Ewok) Well, I don't usually say that in public, but I say it to myself quite often when I'm rolling around naked in my piles of money, covered in chocolate and pee. It's not just aliens, either. I had this BRILLIANT idea one night, after the chocolate had all been licked off, and the pee was totally dry. Why settle for putting the young queen in one or two outfits, if I can put her in a new one EVERY SINGLE TIME she comes on the screen? "Think of all the figures that'll produce," I said to my big wads of cash. I'll be richer than Bill Gates, and only slightly less nerdy!
JC: George, it's not like you need
any more money. Don't you get any personal satisfaction out of these films?
Don't you get anything out of it, besides cash?
GL: Midgets, Tonto. Tons and tons of midgets. People wonder why I keep making movies, well . . . it's so I can score with another couple hundred midgets. Jawas, Ewoks, R2-D2, Howard the Duck, Willow . . . the list goes on! If only I could work with Dustin Hoffman, my life would be complete!
JC: What is it about midgets?
GL: The blowjobs. Have you ever had a blowjob where the other party was standing straight up? You wouldn't believe the control these little things have over your throbbing cock. One time, when I was getting a blow from Howard the Duck, this idea came to me, and it's haunted me since . . . I have to do a remake of The Wizard of Oz. Mmm . . . Muuuuuuuuunchkins. Munchkin Land is definitely where I'd wanna land if I was swept somewhere over the rainbow! I wouldn't mind those ruby slippers, either! (Laughs)
JC: Are there midgets in the new
GL: Oh, tons of 'em. I have a certain rule when it comes to directing films. Limited character development, lots of special effects and enough Munchkins to keep me warm through lonely nights in my mega-trailer. Did I say "Munchkins?" (Laughs) I meant "midgets," of course. There's no such thing as Munckins, really. At least that's what Spielberg keeps telling me. What does he know? I'm gonna blow his bitch of a wife's film out of the water. The NERVE he has putting her film up against STAR WARS! Not to mention, he still hasn't really bought into my "Indiana Jones and the Temple of Midgets" idea.
JC: Is there really going to be
another Indiana Jones?
GL: Only if we can get the midgets. I have this idea where Indy, 20 years older, or whatever, is about to retire from his life as a college professor/adventurer, to become a cop. Only, 5 days before his pension, he gets assigned a new partner, an assistant teacher, if you will. Kind of a crazy guy. A crazy suicidal midget guy whose wife was killed a while back, and he's blaming himself. I was thinking the dead wife could be played by Linda Rondstat, and she could actually be dead, you know, and we'd just throw around her corpse, and stuff. Anyway, Indy is forced to deal with this nutty new midget as they search for the Crucifix Christ was born on.
JC: Didn't Christ actually die
on the Crucifix?
GL: Whatever, it's just a detail. Anyway, they go to find the Crucifix and end up discovering that they're better friends than they thought. Then Jesus comes back and melts people. Indy hides in a secret Temple his midget assistant knows of . . . a Temple of Midgets! I think it might be my first original idea. I'm hoping to finally get the critical accolades that I deserve.
JC: It sounds a bit like Lethal
GL: Haven't heard of it. Are there any midgets?
JC: No, but it did spawn three
GL: Any fast-food tie-ins?
GL: Not interested.
Email Alex (maybe I'll even forward your letter to George, if it's worthy!)
©1999 Alex Sandell [All Rights Reserved]. If you copy this, without my permission, I'll have Jabba sit on your face and swallow you up with his asshole! Oh, and may the Force be with you . . . always!
Portrait of Lucas by the undeniably wonderful, Sean Simmans!
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