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Golden Globes Complete Cleavage Coverage
Written by:  Alex Sandell

 

The 2004 Golden Globes weren't as much about who won or lost, but who showed the most cleavage.  Tonight's award ceremony was filled with more bouncy boobs than a party at the Playboy Mansion.  What should have been a night for cheering on your favorite artist, turned into an evening of ogling over your favorite set of breasts.  Still, we promised complete coverage and complete coverage you'll get... even the more boring stuff not having to do with cleavage.

 

(NOTE:  This update was written and updated LIVE, as the awards aired.  Please forgive any and all typos you may notice.)

 

The night starts with the Best Supporting Actor award.  I’m hoping Ken Watanabe takes home the award for his work in The Last Samurai or Tim Robbins for his haunting role in Mystic River.  Albert Finney sort of scared me in Big Fish, so I don’t want him to win it, so much.  I guess William H. Macy would be a cool win, even though he had a relatively small part in Seabiscuit.  And, the winner is…

 

Tim Robbins for Mystic River

 

Tim lets Clint know that he’s “the man.”  Tim then thanks his life partner, Susan Sarandon.  Susan has quite a bit of boob hanging out of her dress and I notice a tattoo on one of her tits.  I wonder if I should get a tattoo on one of my tits.  Then I wonder if I should lose weight.

 

Tim leaves and all four of the Sex and the City people walk out on the stage.  The second I hear that irritating theme song I get nauseated.  I hate that show.  The Sex and the City people give the award for Best Actor in a TV Drama Series to:

 

Anthony LaPaglia for Without a Trace

 

“Now I can drink with Tim,” Anthony says.  Everyone laughs.  Drinking is funny.  Anthony thanks his girlfriend or wife or life partner or whatever, and I see that cleavage is definitely the new black.  It’s like a waterfall of knockers is pouring down from her neck and into her dress.  When Anthony thanks his one-year-old daughter, I’m almost shocked to see that she isn’t somewhere in the audience wearing a D cup.

 

Frances Conroy takes home the Best Actress in a TV Drama Series for her work on Six Feet Under.  She just had itty-bitty cleavage. 

 

Someone introduces the Best Supporting Actress in a Motion Picture nominees.

 

They’re all good (outside of that Hope Davis chick.  Her performance in American Splendor didn’t really do anything for me.  I’d still recommend the film.), but I’m hoping for a win by Patricia Clarkson for Pieces of April.  She did better than the rest, and Pieces of April is about the most underrated film of 2003.  And the award goes to…

 

Renée Zellweger for Cold Mountain

 

Oh well.  She was my second choice.  Her performance was bubbly and fun and brought a lot of warmth to Cold Mountain.  Renée’s put on weight for the next Bridget Jones thing.  She looks hot when she’s in her chubbier phase.  I hope she doesn’t go back to being a stick figure once she’s done filming.  Renée’s in her typical giggly tizzy.  She’s going through a list of names in a way that would make Howard Dean proud.  She’s awesome. 

 

Ellen presents some clips from Finding Nemo and then has a mental breakdown and claims that Anne Heche’s vagina “smelled fishier than Nemo’s ass on a bad day.”  She’s escorted off the stage by two very butch looking women wrestlers.  An awkward moment, all around.

 

Some girl with cleavage and a guy with cleavage he isn’t showing (Jim Belushi) give out the award to some crappy ass “comedy” TV series (I don’t like a single one of them up, but am grateful that the sickening Friends wasn’t even nominated).  Oh, I guess I do like The Office.  Actually, I love The Office!  I forgot that was nominated.  GO BBC!  GO OFFICE!  How can Sex and the City possibly keep being nominated?  If powerful upper-class women really behave like the four twits portrayed on the show, no wonder they’re only paid 78 cents to every man’s dollar.  And the award goes to…

 

The Office gets it!  WOO-HOO! MY TASTE IS STILL IN TOUCH WITH THE REST OF THE WORLD’S!  I HAVE BEEN VINDICATED!  Those other four shows were just nominated cuz there was nothing better to nominate (cuz sitcoms have, for the most part, turned into filler between idiotic reality shows). 

 

Uma Thurman and a piece of wood (Keanu Reeves) come out to present an award to the Best Mini-Series or Motion Picture for television.  Angels in America was good, and everything, but I liked Normal better.  I’m going to have to go for Normal, but I’ll be happy if either it or Angels wins.  Why isn’t And Starring Pancho Villa as Himself nominated?  Predictably, Angels in America wins.  That girl from Fried Green Tomatoes has her cleavage hanging out.  My mom thinks that “hers looks a little nicer.”  I guess it does have sort of a bouncy quality that the others were lacking.  Her cleavage is also like side cleavage, so we have a little cleavage variety.  It’s cool the producer (or whatever he is) guy talked about AIDS.  I think these actors and producers and directors should go back to being more political, and should talk about serious issues in these shows.  Heaven knows it’s about the last place on television where independent thinking is even allowed.

 

Actress in TV Series or Television Movie is now up.  Judy Davis would be cool, just cuz she was in The Reagans, and it would piss off all the conservatives that pretended to be outraged over a show they never even watched.  Meryl Streep wins.  It was a safe and predictable bet.  I just won $5.00, thanks to making it!  She suddenly realizes you can see completely through her dress.  First cleavage, now see through dresses.  Is this ceremony being held at the Playboy Mansion?  Yummy.  I think Meryl seems cool.  She’s definitely one of the best, and deserved this award.  Emma Thompson isn’t in the audience?  That sucks.  I love Emma Thompson.  I think I’m getting a “thing” for older women.  I hope my mom doesn’t look over and read that last sentence.  Why am I watching these awards with my parents, anyway?  Streep just made an anti-Bush comment!  Woo-hoo!  She made fun of his stupid, moronic State of the Union Address.  Oh, how I love Hollywood “Liberals” (IE – people who are smart enough to not simply march in lockstep with Rush Limbaugh.  I hope mindless conservatives walk in lockstep with Rush into a Federal Prison, and then this country can hopefully mend itself.)

 

Ellen Berstein comes out to present a few snippets of Cold Mountain, which is nominated for best picture, drama.         

 

Cate Blanchett comes out and she’s totally glowing.   Is she pregnant?  She’s showing lots of milky cleavage.  I’m suddenly feeling rather horny.  It sucks to feel horny when your parents are around.   

 

Some dude with an accent comes out and talks about the Hollywood foreign press giving something back to the community, and then he said, “I am giving nerdy movie-obsessed Internet guys something to write about.”  I then went, “hmmm.”

 

Best Actress in a TV series Comedy award is up.  I hate every show nominated (I guess Monk is okay).  I do like Alicia Silverstone and Debra Messing, even though I hate the shows they act in.  Is Alicia’s stupid show even on, any more?  I did like the fact that Charisma Carpenter (from Buffy and Angel) had a couple of guest spots on it.  As long as, DAMMIT!  EVEN BEFORE I COULD FINISH TYPING “AS LONG AS SARAH JESSICA PARKER DOESN’T WIN, I’LL BE SATISFIED,” Sarah Jessica Parker wins for like her 3.5th million time for the sucky Sex in the City show.  Could Suck in the City possibly the most horrendous show ever?  Sarah is trying to push up what cleavage she has.  This is like a boob contest.  Her dress is horrible.  So is her show.  I think I’ve mentioned that already, tonight.

 

Christina Ricci comes out and presents some Big Fish clips.  She is not showing any cleavage.  I wonder if she’s suddenly regretting the breast reduction surgery she had done a few years ago.  “Just when big, sloppy tits are in, I go and get rid of mine.”  Still, she looks nice. 

 

Ashton Kutcher and that guy from Barbershop 2 come out to award some show with Best Supporting Actor TV comedy.  I musta gotten that wrong, somehow.  Three guys from Angels in America are nominated.  I didn’t really think that was a comedy.  Maybe this if for best actor in a drama.  Oh well, that’s what you get when you do an update live.  Geoffrey Wright wins for Angels in America.  He said he didn’t think he’d win when they sat him way in the back against the wall.  Way to go, Hollywood Foreign Press - still seating African Americans in the back.  I thought Geoffrey did an excellent, excellent job in Angels.  All three of the guys from AIA did a damn good job.  But it wasn’t a comedy.

 

Robin Williams comes out to present a clip of Master and Commander.  He then gets a good jab in at Paris Hilton and a nice reminder of his role in Popeye.  I thought Popeye beat the piss out of the boring ass Master and Commander, to be honest. 

 

Richard Gere is giving the Best Actress in Motion Picture Comedy award.  Diane Keaton wins for Something’s Gotta Give.  Jack gives out a big whistle.  “Being nominated at 57 is like reaching for the stars with a stepladder,” says Diane.  She thanks Nancy for the chance to play a woman to love for “one more bittersweet time.”  She calls herself the “rediscovered eccentric” and talks about “love at any age.”  She then says “shit” and they try to bleep it.  I love when people swear on live TV.  It should happen more often.  She brings up the fact that her and Jack’s combined age is 125 and Jack shakes his head in a comical way.  Probably my favorite moment so far on tonight’s show.

 

Renee comes out to present Best Actor in a Motion Picture Comedy. Bill Murray wins.  He did a really good job in Lost in Translation.  I still sort of liked Johnny Depp better in Pirates of the Caribbean.  Bill comes up and talks about the people he would thank, but they’re all dead or too many are trying to take credit.  Bill’s always good for a laugh.  That’s probably why people say that he’s funny.  He does get around to thanking his wife and children.  Luckily, they’re not dead.  Some guy laughs when he says it, cuz he hasn’t figured out that the jokes are over.  He’s brought out back and beaten.  Murray has a great line about forgetting about his “brothers on the other side of the aisle… the dramatic actors.  And without them, where would the war and misery come from?”

 

My mom, who’s paying an eerie amount of attention, comments that Nicole Kidman and Jennifer Lopez’s “boobs are showing, too.”  Thanks for letting me know, mom.  Was I adopted? 

 

Antonio Banderas presents clips of Bend it Like Beckham and the clips don’t show Keira Knightley.  I put the lubrication back under the chair.  You’re lucky I’m typing and updating this as it happens, or I’d go on for three or four pages about the unbelievable beauty of Keira Knightley. 

 

Best TV Series Drama is presented by a couple of people I didn’t see, cuz I was busy un-lubing my hands and typing stuff about Keira Knightley.  The award goes to 24.  That show is okay.  I woulda rather had Six Feet Under win, even though it didn’t have that great a season last year.  The producer of 24 had “three years to prepare [his] speech, but [he] doesn’t know what the hell to say.”  I guess that it’s fortunate that he doesn’t say much.

 

Jennifer Puke-Head Aniston comes out showing her cleavage and presents the award for best actor in a tv series comedy.  The only actor starring in a show worth awarding is that guy from The Office and the award goes to…

 

That guy from The Office!  Woo-hoo again!  Even though I won’t be one of the 60 million people watching the final episode of Friends (I’ll be one of the billions that simply don’t care), I do quite like The Office, and that actor is so damn good.  He admits he’s just milking the time.  He then starts thanking people.  I wonder if he’ll start milking them.  Gawd knows there are enough breasts there to milk.  I wish I could remember that Office guy’s name.

 

Frodo comes out to present some clips from The Lord of the Rings: Return of the King.

 

Gwen Stefani and Queen Latifah are both dressed in white.  Gwen amazingly skinny and Latifah is so, er, big-boned, the two remind me of that “here comes the bride, all fat and wide, here comes the groom, skinny as a broom” thing people thought was really funny to sing when they were like 10.  Best Original Score Motion Picture is given to Howard Shore, for his work on Return of the King.

 

I suddenly look up from the computer and notice that Gwen is dressed up like The Bride of Frankenstein.  She looks gross. 

 

Howard Shore gets the award for most boring speech – at least so far.

 

Best Original Song Motion Picture is given to… Into the West wins?!?  I hate that song sooooooo much.  Fuck this.  I finally become a Lord of the Rings fan, and now they’re going to try and seduce me into being a fan of the horrible song in the Lord of the Rings?!?  Not a damn chance.  And now I have to listen to Howard Shore AGAIN.  Fran dedicates the song to their dead friend, who she said the song was written for, and now I feel bad for making fun of the song.  D’oh!

 

Why is that duchess of Slim Fast there? 

 

The news says they’ll be a big blizzard tomorrow and I realize I won’t be able to make it to the screening for The Big Bounce, and I get all mad and want to cry, but I don’t cry and decide I don’t even really want to.  Plus, The Big Bounce looks stupid, anyway.

 

Nicolas Cage comes out to introduce the clip for Lost in Translation cuz Sofia Coppola is like his cousin, or something, and Hollywood is full of talented inbre… families.

 

Jennifer Lopez comes out in a dress that will guarantee her another year as “worst dressed.”  It’s weird she used to actually dress sexy.  Lots of men fell in love with her butt.  I liked her butt for a while, until I started thinking that Jenny from the block was a total ass.

 

Best Screenplay Motion Picture Director goes to Sofia Coppola for Lost in Translation, ***NOTE - I actually heard wrong when I was typing this live.  Sofia won for best SCREENPLAY, not Director.*** for some unknown reason.  That movie was sort of overrated.  Her directing was pretty lackluster.  My cynical dad asks, “do you think she’d get anywhere without her famous dad?” and then my cynical mom answers with a stern “no” and then I say, “yeah, but my brother Matt wouldn’t get anywhere without you, dad” and we get into a fight.  My dad throws a Pizza Hut breadstick at the TV.  The rest of the night there’s a grease stain and Pizza Hut breadstick pixie dust stuff on the screen.

 

Best Supporting Actress in a Television Series award is next.  I just hope Sex and the City doesn’t win this.  Three of those annoying humans that act in it are up, though.  BUT MARY LOUISE-PARKER GETS IT FOR ANGELS IN AMERICA!  AND MY MOM THINKS HER BOOBS LOOK NICE!  I’ve always had sort of a crush on her (Mary Louise-Parker, not my mom) since seeing Fried Green Tomatoes, and think she’s a great actress.  AIA is stealing the night.  Parker thanks her son for making her boobs look so good in her dress.  Madonna’s son did that for her once, but the next year they were all shriveled and icky.  Big lactating boobs oftentimes leave shriveled lonely looking ugly things with stretch marks.  I’d hold back on that “thanks,” Mary.

 

A commercial for “Fear Factor Couples Championship” comes on, and I feel sorry and sad for humanity.

 

The next ad tells me that the question on everyone’s mind is “Will they or won’t they,” in regards to Rachel and Ross.  I just ask, “Haven’t they already?”

 

Danny Devito comes out to give Michael Douglas the Cecille B. Demille award.  Michael’s hair in “Hail Heroes” is quite possibly the worst hairdo ever.  Michael Douglas has actually been in a lot of damn good movies.  Basic Instinct wasn’t one of them.  When Sharon Stone comes out to talk on the stage, my stupid idiot dad says, “I thought she was killed by Charles Manson.”  He was thinking of Sharon Tate.  He’s sort of a stupid idiot with a breadstick problem.  Michael gets a standing ovation when he gets onstage, but Bill Murray looks like he either pulled a muscle or took a shit in his pants.  Okay, this Michael Douglas thing is going on far too long.  After giving a super long list he stops to give “a short list of people” that have helped him through the years, and goes through another long list.  He shares the award with his daughter… er … wife.

 

Susan Sarandon, sounding all drunk and stuff, comes out with her boobs flopping around and Tim Robbins smiles cuz he knows that he’ll get to play with them after the show.  Susan presents a clip of Mystic River which I think is probably better than I gave it credit for when I first saw it. 

 

Dustin Hoffman comes strolling out to give the award for Best Director Motion Picture.  Nobody smiles about playing with his boobs later that night.  The fact that Master and Commander is even nominated is ridiculous. Peter Jackson wins for Return of the King

 

At least And Starring Pancho Villa as Himself was nominated for one category this evening.  It’s up for Best Actor for a TV movie or Miniseries.  Hopefully Antonio will get it.  James Brolin winning would be neat, again because it would tick all those rabid, drooling, crazed conservatives off.  I think it was nominated for that reason.  I’m still rooting for Antonio, even though I don’t really like him.  He was great in that movie.  Oh, Al Pacino is up for Angels in America.  He was excellent in that film.  I wouldn’t mind if he won, either.  Actually, he should win.  Tom Wilkinson in Normal is up, too.  Wow, these are some strong nominees.  Actually, I want Tom Wilkinson to win.  I loved him in that movie.  Not like “loved him” loved him, but I thought he did a great job.  And the Golden Globe goes to…

 

Al Pacino for Angels in America.  This night belongs to that film.  I woulda preferred Tom for Normal.  Weird that a large chunk of last year’s best performances were on TV.  Al Pacino is looking really skinny.  It’s weird how mellow he is giving speeches, when he’s so fiery in his acting performances.  He says he’s nervous, and then they show Renee’s cleavage.  Jack whistles and yells “ya!” after Al notices he’s smiling.  I think Howard Dean belongs in Hollywood, where people are allowed to show more emotion than a piece of wood (outside of K. Reeves). 

 

Sarah Ferguson, the Duchess of Slim Fast comes out and presents Love Actually.  I fucking loved that bloody movie.  I LOVE IT SO MUCH!  And I still need to write a review for it.  I don’t know why I keep putting that off.  Anyway, I’d give it a 9, on a scale of 1-10, for those of you keeping score.

 

Nicole looks like crap, which is unusual for her.  Her dress looks all scaly, like it’s going to shed.  The Best Actor award better go to Ben Kingsley for House of Sand and Fog or Sean Penn for Mystic River.  I hope Ben Kingsley gets it but I’m guessing Sean Pe…

 

Yep, Sean Penn.  Ben Kingsley gave the best performance of the year in any category.  Clint accepts the award for Sean and gives a funny speech saying he doesn’t look like Sean Penn, but he is.  Clint thanks the Hollywood Foreign Press for recognizing this truly exceptional actor. 

 

Jeff Bridges comes out to present a snippet of the movie he starred in, Seabiscuit.

 

James Bond comes out to give the award for Best Foreign Language Film

 

Osama gets it.  I haven’t seen any of the films nominated for Best Foreign Language film.  I did see Freddy vs. Jason, and that was filmed in Canada. 

 

When the Osama guy gives his speech, Antonio is sitting there doing some weird thing with his kid.  Nicole Kidman isn’t even with her kids, but is making one of the dumbest faces ever.  I think everyone is trying to look deeply interested, but they’re really thinking, “jeez, I wish this foreign guy would get off.”

 

Jack Nicholson hops on stage and gives the award for Best Actress in a Motion Picture Drama, and is so subdued, he musta taken about 30 Valiums this year. 

 

Charlize Theron wins for Monster.  Why didn’t I get a pass to this movie?  Any of you PR people out there reading this?  Jack wants to cop a big feel when Charlize gets on stage.  I think Charlize is drunk.  She thanks people and says she “couldn’t have done it with all of you,” or something like that.  I think she meant that she couldn’t have done it without, rather than with.  She says she’ll never forget this night, but the alcohol might have some say in that.

 

I wish Dick Clark would quit producing these things, just so he wouldn’t keep hosting it.

 

Jim Carrey walks out with a shaved head and looks funny.  Jim seems almost crabby.  But then he does a joke about being bald, and that’s sort of funny, but only if funny means, “not really that humorous.”  Best motion picture comedy goes to…

 

I hope either Finding Nemo or Love Actually gets it.  For some reason Lost in Translation receives the award.  Carrey originally reads, “Elf,” which wasn’t nominated (and shouldn’t have been).  Lost in Translation belonged in drama as much as it did comedy, so this award is a little unfair.  Plus, I much prefer Finding Nemo and Love Actually. 

 

Leo gives the Best Picture award to (please be either Cold Mountain or Return of the King)…

 

Return of the King!  YAY!  This is the second time the Golden Globes has given an LOTR film Best Picture.  Maybe it will make the Academy think about at least doing it once.  It’s cool that success still hasn’t gone to Peter Jackson’s… hair.  I swear he still hasn’t taken a comb to that mop.  It’s funny he named his company after a bug – Weta, when he’s scared of that exact bug.  And, on that note, I’m signing off.  Hope you had fun with the Juicy Cerebellum’s first live update. 

 

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©2004 Alex Sandell/Juicy Cerebellum [All Rights Reserved].  Copy this without my permission and NO CLEAVAGE FOR YOU!