in his best
(well, not really his best, but he tried, damn it),
The Gore Who Stole Office
Written by: Alex Sandell (obviously)
(Based upon "The Grinch Who Stole Christmas" written by: Dr. Seuss)
Every Democrat down in the US Liked
democracy a lot...
But Al Gore, Al Gore he Did NOT!
Al Gore hated democracy!
The whole campaign season.
Now, please don't ask why,
no one quite knows the reason.
It could be that his political leanings leaned so far to the right.
It could be, perhaps, that the stick up his ass was shoved in too tight.
But I think that the most likely reason of all
May have been that his soul was two sizes too small.
But, Whatever the reason, his soul or his ass,
He stood there on November 7th, hating the voting class.
Staring down from his mansion with a sour, Gorey frown,
At the thousands of CHADs lying around.
For he knew every voter down in Florida beneath
had cast their vote for somebody else, and sighed a sigh of relief.
"I'll say they picked the wrong person," he snarled with a sneer.
"When it's all said and done, I'll have the Constitution quaking with fear!"
Then he growled, with his Gore fingers nervously drumming,
"I MUST find a way to keep Democracy from running!"
For, tomorrow, he knew...
...he would have to concede early,
and this was something that he wouldn't do.
This just wasn't fair,
Ralph Nader was a spoiler,
Buchanan a mistake,
and if you voted for Hagelin,
that was about all he could take.
And that Bush,
oh that Bush,
that Bush! Bush! Bush! Bush!
Why did he have to be so much like Gore?
One Republicrat was enough,
why must there be more?
Every Voter down in Florida, the tall and the small,
could see no difference between the two,
they could see none at all.
They sat together in the debates,
but it was less like a clash of ideas than it was a first date.
Bush would say one thing, and say it's the only way to be free,
and then Gore would smile and blink,
and then say, "I agree."
And they'd agree!
AND they'd AGREE! AGREE! AGREE! AGREE!
And the more Al Gore thought of this whole debate fling,
The more Al Gore thought, "I must stop this whole Democracy thing!
"Why for fifty-two years I've put up with it now!
"I MUST stop Bush from winning! ...But HOW?"
Then he got an idea! An awful idea! AL GORE GOT A WONDERFUL, AWFUL IDEA!
"I know just what to do!" Al Gore Laughed in his throat.
And he made a quick Florida Supreme Justice suit and a coat.
And he chuckled, and clucked, "What great Gorey fun!
with this coat and this gavel, I'll look just like Justice Overton!"
THEN he shoved a copy of "Supreme Court For Dummies" in an old pair of slacks
hopped on Air Force 2 and yelled out, "forget the facts!"
Then Al Gore said, "there's no controlling legal authority!"
and he flew on his way to stop this country from being free.
He flew toward Florida where the old folks lay a-snooze at 6 PM.
Al Gore snickered and claimed, "I'll steal a vote from each of them!"
All their windows were dark.
Quiet drizzle filled the air.
All the prozac takers were having wet dreams without care
when Al Gore came to the first house in the square.
"This is stop number one,"
The old Gorey Justice hissed
and he climbed to the roof,
fake ballot in fist.
Then he slid down the chimney.
He slid until he thought he could slide no more,
But if Ben Overton could do it, then so could Al Gore.
He got stuck only once, for a moment or two.
Then he stuck his head out of the fireplace flue
Where the little old people all slept in a row.
"These senior citizens," he grinned, "are the first to have their memories go!"
Then he slithered and slunk, and he started to gloat,
he approached each of their beds and he got them to vote!
These cronies are too tired to see,
"And NOW!" grinned Al Gore, "they have voted for me!"
As Al Gore was about to leave and lead the lambs to the slaughter,
he found he had been caught by one of the elder's little granddaughters,
who'd got out of bed for a cup of cold water.
She stared at Al Gore and said, "Senior Justice Overton, why,
"why are you taking our votes? WHY?"
But, you know, that old Gore was so smart and so slick
He thought up a lie, and he thought it up quick!
"Why, my sweet little tot," the fake Overton lied,
"There's a CHAD on these ballots that was only punched on one side.
"So I'm taking it home to my workshop, my dear.
"I'll fix it up there. Then I'll bring it back here."
And his fib fooled the child.
Then he patted her head And he got her a drink
and he sent her to bed.
Gore cackled gleefully, as things got more dire,
then he went up the chimney himself, the old liar.
On their walls he took down the Nader signs, and left nothing but wire.
Then he did the same thing to the rest of the state,
"I've stolen the votes I deserved" he said, "and it's not more than a quarter past eight!"
All the old folks, still a-bed All the old folks, still a-snooze
when he packed up his plane,
"When I'm done with this,
they'll never vote for somebody else ever again!"
Thirty thousand feet up! Back to the White House,
he rode to the top of the sky and dropped all the oversea ballots out.
"Pooh-pooh to the military!" he was Gore-ish-ly humming.
"They're finding out now that Al Gore has democracy running!
"They're just waking up! I know just what they'll do!
"Their mouths will hang open a minute or two
"Then all the American citizens across the world will all cry BOO-HOO!"
"That's a noise,"
grinned Al Gore
"That I simply must hear!"
So he paused in mid-flight and popped open a beer.
And he did hear a sound rising over the sea. It started in low.
Then it grew as loud as could be!
But the sound wasn't sad! Why, this sound sounded merry!
It couldn't be so! But it WAS merry! VERY!
He stared down at the US! Al Gore popped his eyes!
Then he shook! What he saw was a shocking surprise!
Every citizen in the country, the tall and the small,
Was singing! Without a President Gore after-all!
He HADN'T stopped Democracy from running! IT RAN!
Somehow or other, it ran once again!
And Al Gore, with his Gore-feet growing cold on his plane,
Stood puzzling and puzzling: "I stole the votes earlier, and this happened later,
"Now we're all saluting President Nader?!?
"He came without corporate fundraisers, lies or deceptive CHADS!"
Does this mean "the lesser of two evils" doesn't have to be bad?
Al Gore puzzled three hours, `till his puzzler was sore.
Then Al Gore thought of something he hadn't before!
"Maybe Presidents aren't created," he thought, "through vigorous lying and corporate whores.
"Maybe President...perhaps...means a little bit more!"
And what happened then...?
Well...in the US they say
that Al Gore pulled the stick from his ass on that fateful day!
And the minute his rectum didn't feel quite so tight,
He pooped out a load in the bright morning light.
And he brought back the votes!
And the corporate cash that he didn't need!
And he... ...HE HIMSELF...!
Al Gore did concede!
What did you think of this update? Send me some feedback!
Read my "Hackers Hear a Who" and "Green JPEGS and SPAM" updates, also based upon classic Dr. Seuss stories!
Copyright 2000 Alex Sandell [All Rights Reserved]. If you rip this off, I'll sue you, I swear, trust me I would, I wouldn't care. The Dr. Seuss trademark signature isn't copyrighted, at least not by me. Maybe I'll get sued too, I'll have to just wait and see!
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