in conjunction with The Juicy Cerebellum, presents:
the "Coming Out Of the Closet" series!

Written By: Alex Sandell

Hallmark, the fine card-peddling folks behind holidays such as "Mother's Day," "Father's Day," "Independence Day" (or so they say), and the almighty "Valentine's Day," are forced, each year, to watch sales drop between Valentine's Day and Easter. The "Valentine Day-After" syndrome was getting to be too much in the gloomy halls of Hallmark, and the people "upstairs" realized something had to be done. A new event or holiday just had to be created!

The problem was, what event or holiday could they come up with? Initially, the "creative"-suits in marketing tried to get a whole bunch of women pregnant in June, hoping to have an over-abundance of babies born in March (the "dead" month), solving the problem. While visions of baby-showers, "congratulations," and "it's a boy!" cards, followed by years of birthdays, danced through their heads, a sad fact was revealed. Everyone working at Hallmark is sterile.

So, it was back to the drawing board, as yet another holiday had to be created. While watching the t.v. sitcom, "Ellen," a brain behind one of the suits came up with an idea. "Gay is in this year!" He screamed to the second suit who was sitting beside him. "And it ain't goin' away," replied the second suit, while stuffing a "stadium-sized" wiener into his mouth. And so the "Coming Out Of The Closet" series of cards were invented, and "Gay Day" was born.

The Juicy Cerebellum, through various methods which may or may not have involved the CIA, got a hold of next years "Gay Day" (March 7th, 1999) cards. Here they are, for the very first time!

From a mother and father, to their homosexual son:

card # 1 (the "light-hearted, open" approach):

Wishing you happiness,
on whatever path that you take.
Strength in every choice,
and decision you make.
Tolerance from everyone,
over your new start.
Success as you reach
for the truth, buried deep down in your heart.
Open-minds from all your family and friends.
Fulfillment in sharing
the odd turns that life sends.
Belief in yourself,
every step of the way . . .
Come out of the closet, son,
we know that you're gay.

card # 2 (the "traditional, yet right in your face" approach):

Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
Richard Simmons is gay,
and son,
so are you.

card # 3 (the "homophobic, disowning" approach):

You never liked little league.
You flunked out of gym.
You were part of the debating team,
and would always win.
Trips to the museums would send your heart a flutter,
every time that you looked at the statues of men.
Somehow, we didn't notice it then.
Shakespeare was your hero.
Watching football made you gag.
Get out of our lives, son,
you're just such a fag.

From a mother and father, to their homosexual daughter:

card # 1 (the "coming to grips with who our daughter is" approach):

What's up with the butch haircut?
Why are you always in jeans?
What makes you try so hard to look mean?
Now you got a tattoo on your ass,
saying "Ellen Forever,"
are you a lesbian,
or am I just a paranoid mother?

Why is your voice deeper than mine?
At first it was funny,
the doctor said nothing was wrong,
he said you were fine.
Why are you growing a mustache?
Are all those women you're kissing really "just" friends?
Did I see it wrong,
could they be men?
I don't mean to upset you, please don't be mad;
are you a lesbian,
or am I just a paranoid dad?

From a mother, to her homosexual daughter:

card # 1 (the "I was there too, once" approach):

I understand your interest in girls.
They've got those nice smiles,
and interesting curves.
I tried it out, a few times,
but only got sick.
Women may look pretty,
but men have the dick.

From a father, to his homosexual daughter:

card # 1 (the "jealousy/alimony sucks" approach):

Why do you always get better looking girlfriends than me?
I don't understand it, why don't they see?
I'm sexy too, and the right sex.
I have to go now,
and write mommy's check.

From a grandma and grandpa, to their homosexual grandson:

card # 1 (the "sympathy" approach):

I was there the day you were born.
And every day since.
You're my knight in armor,
my shining prince.
I hugged you, and coddled you,
and made you feel good.
Every step of the way, I've understood.
But this time you've lost me,
had me dropping my specs,
the day that I found you with a member of the same sex.
What would my friends do?
What would they say?
Listen closely,
it's not far away.
Please stay in the closet,
until my dying day.

From a grandma and grandpa, to their homosexual grandson or granddaughter:

card # 1 (the "confused" approach):

Gay means you're "happy," right?

There you have it. The test-run of Hallmark's homo cards. Be sure to check them out at a grocer near you, in late April, 1999. And don't forget your homosexual friend next March 7th. GAY DAY!

All text copyright 1998, Alex Sandell [All Rights Reserved]. Cuz, as hard as this may be to believe, I just made this all up. *gasp*

Let me out of the closet! Send me back to the table of brains