The Many Faces of a Wanna-be Hero
Written by:  Alex Sandell
*to view this update properly, you need the "Chiller" font.  It'll still work without it, though, as long as you can read.  The audiotape version is set for release in early December.

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I don't have any heroes.  I used to, when I was younger; but that was before I met some of them.  That was before a drunken Harrison Ford told me to "fuck off" in a bar when I was an 11-year-old thrilled to see him and scared to death to ask for an autograph.  That was before a bodyguard for PRINCE (who, believe it or not, was my favorite singer at 12 years old) told me to "get out of his way" while informing me that, "he doesn't talk to the fans."  That was before I entered adolescence and went underground to find something real and only ended up finding more broken promises than ever before. 

Mohawks and lies. 

15-year-old suburban snots rebelling against their wealthy moms and dads by wearing a pin spouting out the benefits of being a Vegan.  Maybe an anarchy symbol etched on the back of their spiked leather jacket.   I keep going to the shows, even though I no longer believe the damn singer means a word that he yells, and I keep observing that I'm getting older and the audience keeps staying the same age.  Where did all the 15 year olds, who would now be 27 or 28, with the anarchy symbols and Vegan pins, go to?  Probably to college, a wife and a cushy computer job with mondo-benefits and a great vacation package.  Eating a big 'ol pork roast with a side order of bacon.  I'm sure they're voting Republican, too; and buying expensive clothing from top designers who don't believe in anarchy symbols.  

It doesn't matter, really . . . new fifteen year olds with the same pins and same symbols, fighting for the same "causes" are here to take their place.  Within three years, they'll leave too.  I've seen this cycle run its course at least 4 times since I first jumped into the "underground."  Every time the newest generation swears that they'll be "the ones" to keep up the "fight."  They say that they won't leave, like all those "sellouts" did before them.  But they do.  No heroes there.     

Superman killed himself.   Superman charges for autographs.  Superman's in a wheelchair.

The news tells me every day how much the "REAL" heroes matter.  They show me a three minute segment about some guy who saved a duck from getting squished by a Semi, and all the anchors get tears in their eyes.   They wish they had time to save a duck, help an old lady across the street or return the mail they stole from their neighbor.  They cry because of this.  They cry because they entered college thinking they would be a hero.  They would save the world from evil corporations, poverty and greed.  Now they just read the teleprompter, pretend to smile, and dilute the evening news with stories about ducks.  They work for the evil corporations, and have grown fat and greedy themselves.  They avoid the poor neighborhoods, in hope of forgetting the people they once thought they'd always defend.   No heroes there.

Batman is in his twilight years.   Batman asked for 20 million.  Batman got fired. 

Then there's the scum of the earth.   The people that use heroics as a selling point.  GOD DAMN DO I HATE THOSE MOTHER FUCKERS!  The Ronald McDonald House.  BULLSHIT!  Good old Ronald asks its CUSTOMERS to donate, rather than give himself.  Good old Ronald gets his name printed on every pamphlet and bag available, giving him so much free advertising he'll sell another billion Big Macs within the next year.  Probably to the ex-Vegans who used to wear anarchy signs on the backs of their spiked leather jackets. 

Bill Gates donates a million computers and every magazine puts him on its cover.  Do you realize the money he MAKES off of this?  The free publicity?  He's not doing this to be a HERO, he's doing it to sell you more crappy software that only half works. 

Look at any corporation and you'll find a "charity."  It's ridiculous.  How many years in a row has the "Campbell's Watery Soup" company brainwashed elementary school children into buying TONS of cans of salt-water so they can bring in the labels to their teachers and make themselves proud, while making Campbell's look good?  "Stir up the Campbell's, SALT is good food."  Excuse the paraphrasing.  I just realized that there's no heroes there.

Spiderman is a drug addict.   Spiderman lost his powers.  Spiderman died while molting last month.

So, where are the heroes?  First of all, if they're heroes, REAL heroes, they're not going to be bragging about it.   They're not going to be after the gratitude and praise.  They'll want no one to know of their frequent good deeds.  Second of all, there are no REAL heroes.   They're Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy (don't be knocking The Great Pumpkin).   They're FAKE.  And nobility is just a word.  And love is only a chemical reaction.  And faith is only a gigantic mistake. 

Martin Luther King Jr. was a cheater.  JFK was a wealthy "commie-phobe".  Princess Di worshipped herself.

Email Alex at alex@juicycerebellum.com

1999 Alex Sandell [All Rights Reserved].   I WILL prosecute your sorry ass if you steal this.  Don't go being a hero, boy. 

Drawing up at the top by Sean Simmans.   He's wanted me to use it for a long time, but I never get my updates online on time, or in order (you may have noticed this).  I don't know if it's copyrighted, but I'm guessing it is.

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