Totally Useless Amendments to the
Constitution That We Just Can't Live Without
Written by: Alex Sandell
On November 3rd Minnesota voters were confronted with what is probably the most inane amendment to the constitution ever proposed. (The "proposal" inevitably taking place in some backwoods bar by three hicks with rifles and one drunk politician.) We were asked to "affirm heritage of hunting and fishing". Amazingly (and sadly), the bill passed with 77% of the voters saying "yes" and only 23% of the voters (including myself) filling in the convenient arrow pointing to "no".
What does "affirm heritage of hunting and fishing" mean, exactly? To quote what we were asked on election day, "Shall the Minnesota Constitution be amended to affirm that hunting and fishing and the taking of game and fish are a valued part of our heritage that shall be forever preserved for the people and shall be managed by law and regulation for the public good?"
Now, if you're asking yourself "what the fuck?" We're in the same boat. Since when did we need an amendment for a right we already had? I guess since hunters decided it was time to get down with politics. The last time this happened was most likely when the 2nd Amendment was written. Since then, they've just been accidentally shooting each other while drinking six-packs of cheap beer and wearing stupid clothing.
I'd give you a more in-depth description of what was actually behind the bill (I.E. - they were afraid the animal rights activists would prevent them from trapping animals, skinning them alive, and selling their fur), but I've heard that if you let an introduction run too long, you lose the interest of your audience. Being that the $0.00 I'm making off of this page is my bread and butter, I figured I'd better get down to the update, ASAP.
So, since we're now adding totally useless amendments to the constitution, I figured I'd add a couple to insure The Juicy Cerebellum can keep doing what it's been doing, even though it's always been allowed to do what it's done since the time the doing had come. (Figure that sentence out. If you do, please email firstname.lastname@example.org, because I sure don't know what the hell I was talking about. Really, as I've said before, "it sounded good at the time.")
TOTALLY JUICY AMENDMENTS
AFFIRM HERITAGE OF REALLY LONG INTRODUCTIONS TO MUNDANE AND USELESS ARTICLES
Shall the constitution be amended to affirm that The Juicy Cerebellum can have long, rambling introductions to short, pointless updates?
Forever allow midgets to be called "midgets"
Shall the constitution be amended to affirm that no matter how politically correct society becomes, a midget is still a midget, no matter how badly someone wants to call him a "little person"?
(Please note: "munchkins", "ewoks", and "really short fuckers" may also be used.)
The truth about GeoCities can be revealed without them threatening a lawsuit
Shall the constitution be amended to affirm that no matter how rich and powerful GeoCities becomes, and no matter how annoying their banner-ads are, the truth may be spoken about them without ramifications?
(Any large corporation will be included in your "yes" vote. Even the rock group "KISS".)
Every female visiting this site will have an uncontrollable desire to be the next Super Juicy Topless Girl
Shall the constitution be amended to affirm that women are given breasts not just for milking, but for super-powers and really dorky updates?
(Sorry, I lost control.)
The author of The Juicy Cerebellum, at any given moment, may lose control
Shall the constitution be amended to affirm that Alex Sandell is completely insane, and also naked?
(Please note: This nudity may occur on days which have not been designated as "shower days" by Mr. Sandell.)
This update has the right to be amended at any time
Shall the constitution allow this update on amendments to be amended at any time, just in case Alex forgot something?
I had a bunch more stuff, but thanks to the "updates do not have to be as funny as you originally intended them to be" amendment of 1902, I don't have to worry about it. Thanks for voting!
ęcopyright 1998 Alex Sandell [All Rights Reserved]. If you copy this, without permission, I'll make sure there's an amendment allowing me to kick your ass! (Sorry, it's the "Jesse" in me.)
Back to the table of brains 1998
Back to the mind-map.