The Juicy Cerebellum has been going on for almost seven months, now - and I realized that it hasn't done anything good for the public. McDonald's has it's little, "Ronald McDonald House," Wal-Mart looks for missing kids, Burger King sells really ugly toys, for less than a dollar each; but The Juicy Cerebellum doesn't do a thing for the very same people that have made it what it is today (whatever the hell that is). So, I jumped out of bed last night (actually, I didn't, but it sounded good) and declared, "DAMNIT - this has just got to stop! I need to do my part, as a public-figure, too!" (I didn't really say that, either - but it sounded like something that I might say, if I was really, really drunk, egotistical, and somebody else.) So, here it is, The Juicy Cerebellum's good deed (do I get to write it off in taxes, like McDonald's?):
at least super annoying to the general population of morons) Stuff That You Can
Do, When There's Nothing Good
This Good Deed Was Funded By: The Juicy Cerebellum
Written by: Alex Sandell
Park in the "employee of the month" parking spot, at your local "Target," with a, "My job sucks, I hate my boss, somebody fucking shoot me," bumper sticker stuck in a prominent position, to the back of your car.
Steal from the rich and . . . well, steal from the rich, again.
Kill Bill Gates (he'd be a good one to steal from, too)
Gather up all of the Mercedes, and other "rich" cars, throughout the entire world, melt them down, and make mountain bikes for poor children that have never gotten much of anything. (Thanks to the punk rock band, Fifteen for their inspiration in this illegal activity.)
Attend church, every Sunday, wearing a shirt with the words; "I'd rather be masturbating" sprawled across it.
Hold George Lucas at gun point, and tell him to stop being such a fucking nerd (and then steal from him, cuz he's really rich, too).
Get about a hundred people together, in each city, hand out nice, shiny rakes, and tear down every fucking golf course in sight! Then, remove all the annoying, pretentious, uppity, "no trespassing" signs, and turn them into public parks. Well, golfers would have to pay a minor fee . . . like their life! Bwah-ha-ha-ha-ha!!!
Bring a chainsaw into the movie theater, and next time a baby is crying, during the film, and a mother won't shut it up, or remove it from the theater, pretend that you're Leatherface, and chop the little bastard up (the mother, not the baby. The baby would really have to be a last resort.).
Pretend you're dying of a heart attack in McDonald's. Then, as you "pass away," let a leaflet titled "why McDonald's is wrecking the world" fall from your hand. Or, if you're not in the mood for a heart attack, just now - hold all the employees hostage, and pop their ugly fucking zits, so next time you order a big mac, you can do it without dodging fountains of spraying, yellow puss.
Find the meeting place of all the really high paid CEOs of all the biggest corporations, sneak into their private garage, and SLASH ALL THEIR TIRES, BASH ALL THEIR WINDOWS, and then STEAL THEIR STUPID FUCKING "Clubs," AND BASH THEM OVER THE HEAD WITH THEM! (Wait a minute, that wasn't funny. That sounded kind of hostile. Note to self: Remove the "bash the CEOs over the head" section of the "illegal stuff" page. Jeez, glad I wrote myself that reminder, that part coulda really pissed people off.)
Go into every Wal-Mart that you can, and SHOPLIFT! If you get busted, tell them you did it because you are disabled, and prove it by showing them your car, which will be parked in the "employee of the month" section.
Also, while we're on the Wal-Mart theme, PUT THEM OUT OF BUSINESS! How? It's easy . . . and totally Juicy!!! Whenever you wanna buy anything, a toaster, blender, dildo, earplugs, ammunition, buy it from anywhere besides Wal-Mart, just make sure Wal-Mart sells it (last I checked, Wal-Mart's dildo supply was a little low, but they do have boxes of real shitty cookies, for ninety-nine cents.) Then, take the product you bought at your local mom and pop store, and bring it into Wal-Mart, say you lost the receipt, but you want to exchange it. The person behind the desk will say, "no problem," and you run and get a shiny new box of bullets. Congratulations! You just supported your local mom and pop store, and helped contribute to the IMMINENT DOWNFALL OF WAL-MART!!!
Did I suceed, Ronald? How am I doing, Target? Can I now get free advertising on pamphlets across the globe, just because I did so much "good" for the world, just like you guys?
These little tips are just the tip of that gigantic, illegal-iceberg. And, over time, I will be adding to this list of illegal activities, that are actually good for the world (or at least really fun to perform). Maybe you have some favorite crimes that you would like to see added to this section? Just send me an email to: firstname.lastname@example.org, and remember - only you can prevent a mundane society!
*Of course all of this is a joke, just like the "Ronald McDonald House."
All writing on this page is ©1997, Alex Sandell [all rights reserved]. And, remember, violating a copyright, is a crime!
Get your own psychotic, neurotic, and slightly erotic homepage at geocities. They'd love you for it!