Interview With Me
A lot of people have been wondering why (or if) I stopped updating my page. I've already received about 30 letters in the last two days, asking me what's going on. But, one person, a girl who wants me to call her, "Jill Snot," sent me something even more bizarre. She sent me a big long list of sample questions, and asked to interview me in a private chatroom. Now, what makes it bizarre is, she isn't interviewing me for her own site/magazine/700 Club episode, she wants me to put the interview on "The Juicy Cerebellum." So, being the kind guy I am, I obliged (plus, I thought that, if we hit it off, she might fuck me like a wild animal). So, thanks to Jill Snot (I really did try talking her into letting me use her real last name. Really, I did.), there's a new update on my page!
Jill Snot (JS): The first question I'm sure people would like answered
is, why the FUCK are you through making "The Juicy
Alex Sandell (AS): Ask my fiancée. She'll tell you all about it.
fiancée isn't here.
AS: That's no surprise. She never is, when you need her. ;) But, I'm being bitter.
JS: Damn you type fast!
AS: I'm good with my hands. (At the time, I thought this would sound really quick-witted, and erotic. Now, I just feel like a big dork.)
JS: Are you really going to quit updating it,
AS: Probably not.
JS: How long then?
AS: As long as it takes.
JS: For what?
AS: To feel good enough to write, again.
JS: It's not like you're running a marathon.
AS: I'm so depressed, I probably couldn't find the energy to fuck that singer, Jewel, much less type out chapter 6,842 of "Dead Dogs Don't Roll Over."
JS: Do you really think ALL women lie?
AS: No, that update was meant as a joke.
JS: Do you think women lie more than men?
AS: Depends on what position they like.
JS: Really, do you?
AS: Do I think women lie more than men?
JS: Yes. Do you?
AS: Um . . . yes. *gulp*
AS: Do you want the short, funny answer, or the long, honest one?
JS: The long one.
AS: Typical female, always going for the long one. ;)
JS: LOL. Well, let me have it?
AS: My long one?
AS: I don't think it will reach. It's not THAT long.
JS: I MUST be tired. I can't believe I didn't
see that one coming.
AS: You can't see it coming, unless it's long enough to reach you. And, even then, you have to rub it for a while. ;) (The flirting was getting pretty hot-and-heavy, here. I had to open up a "Playboy," just to calm myself down.)
JS: LOL!!! I can't believe I walked into your
trap, twice in a row. Anyway, answer the real question.
Why do you think females lie more than males?
AS: Females lie more than men because men never really HAD to lie, back in the old days. We were stronger, and stuff. Women had to pretty much just take our shit. Inevitably, women got tired of being murdered for ovulating, or whatever their caveguy got pissed about, and so they learned to lie. Learned to tell their caveman friend that they weren't ovulating, they were just, um . . . trying out a new look. Anyway, throughout the years, women perfected the skill of lying, and manipulating. Whereas, guys never really had a need, until like the last hundred years, to lie to their significant other, cuz, if their significant other didn't like what the guy said, he could just hit her a few times, or whatever. So, now guys can't beat up their women anymore, but the women can still lie to the guys. We just have to take it. Hence, a lot of broken hearts, and "woman's prerogative."
JS: Do you think a guy should be able to hit
AS: No. But I don't think a girlfriend should be able to lie to her guy, either. I think people should just be honest, at least when they're talking to their mate. What could be worse than lying to, and losing the trust of, the person you claim is the "love of your life?"
JS: Hitting them?
AS: I'd rather be hit, than cheated on.
JS: Good point.
JS: Onto another subject. Where did you develop
that weird way of thinking, you have?
AS: I don't know. I still think it was being picked on so badly in elementary school, and too many hours of Scooby-Doo. Plus, I have a thing for boobs. I think guys that like breasts better than butts are inherently weird.
JS: Do you believe in God?
AS: No, but I sure am scared of the guy.
JS: Do you believe ANYTHING happens after you
AS: Well, Einstein, or some other smart guy, said that energy can't die, or something. So, if he's right, I think the electricity that keeps us going probably just flies out of our body, once we die, and we power up televisions, and stuff. Isn't that weird? Your great-grandma's "soul" might be running your computer. Kinda spoils cybersex, doesn't it?
JS: I don't have cybersex.
AS: Oh, great - what am I getting out of this interview, then?
JS: You get to share your opinions with all
your loyal followers. ;)
JS: Here's a question all of those followers
are DYING to know, do you really masturbate all the time?
AS: It depends on the circumstances. I was typing in all these login names, and passwords at this porno site, just seeing if I could get in, and I actually got accepted as a member by using the login name, "Dick," and the password, "Head." So, I was whacking off every night, for a while, then they must have figured out what I did, cuz I can't get in there, anymore.
JS: So how much do you masturbate, now?
AS: Probably only 1-3 times a week. Kinda pathetic, huh? I never thought I'd be embarrassed over NOT masturbating. Remember back in junior high, when everyone pretended they didn't whack off? I was the first to admit I did it. People made fun of me for, like an hour, and then it became a trend.
JS: Did you get a lot of pictures from your
little sex site?
AS: TONS! (In retrospect, I don't think the "caps lock" key was needed.) I probably downloaded like 700 pictures. Masturbation material for a month, and it was free. Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!
JS: Are you ALWAYS this strange? Even in
AS: Yep. :)
JS: How do you avoid burning yourself out?
AS: I just convulse, every so often. It kinda sucks, actually.
JS: So, you feeling better now?
AS: About what?
JS: Your life?
AS: Um . . . no. Sorry.
JS: Will you keep doing your page?
JS: Come on, I HAVE to know what happens to
AS: Okay, just give me some time. I'll get around to the next chapter, one of these days.
JS: You've went through hell with your ex
before, what did she do to make you give up on your site, this
AS: Well, I just thought it was over. I didn't think she would hurt me again.
JS: Ooh, now we're getting to the JUICY stuff!
Tell me what she did.
AS: Lots of stuff.
JS: Like what?
AS: She has bad gas. ;)
JS: You're not gonna tell me, are you?
AS: Nope. :) (What a dork - I ended two of my answers, IN A ROW, with a little smiley face. Doh!)
JS: How long 'til you start updating your page,
AS: Well, I'll have this interview up probably the day after tomorrow.
JS: Besides that?
AS: I don't know. I just don't feel that super up to it, right now. Butts are pretty sexy, too - I guess.
JS: Where did that butt thing come from?
AS: I was just paging through an old "Playboy," and I saw this nice butt, and I was just thinking that maybe I should tell you that I don't JUST like boobs. Butts are pretty neat.
JS: That's good, cuz mine are pretty small.
AS: Your butts? ;)
JS: My boobs.
AS: How big are they? (I was waiting for my chance to ask that.)
AS: That's the "nice-and-firm" size. I like B. So, you don't have to feel bad.
JS: I didn't.
AS: Oh. (At this point, I was feeling kinda dumb.)
JS: What's your favorite bra-size?
AS: I don't know. What's your favorite penis size?
JS: Probably, um, I don't really care.
AS: That's what EVERY girl says.
JS: I guess, probably 8 inches.
AS: YIKES! How can you do that to me? Mine's only like 6 1/2.
JS: That's a good size, too.
AS: Is this still the interview?
AS: Oh. I guess I can stop logging it then, huh?
We ended up chatting for another hour, and then I went to bed. Dreaming of the sensual, Jill Snot.
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