During one of my egocentric, Bill Gates (hardly happens-I'm ashamed-please forgive me) type moods, I was punching things like "The Juicy Cerebellum" into a few search engines, just to see what I'd find. Of course "The Juicy Cerebellum" wasn't actually in there, because even search engines reject me, but a bunch of other people's sites popped up. Most sites just had a link to mine, or they were some medical place showing gross diagrams of somebody's actual cerebellum. I came across a few porno sites, claiming to be "juicy," but that's immoral, and my hands are sticky, so I won't get into it.
Anyway, I came across one site with a whole bunch of stuff that I had written, only the guy posting it claimed he wrote it all (which is actually kinda pathetic). There was all my writing, posted in full glory, only it was written by some guy named "Hubert," or something. I don't know what part of © he didn't understand, but the poor guy's named "Hubert," which most likely indicates he didn't understand any of it.
So, this horrid violation of the almighty copyright got me to thinking . . . somebody actually wants to come off as me. Being the generous (and desperately low on ideas for updates) guy that I am, I figured I would write an article to help him, and anyone else wanting to live vicariously through a big dork (the "egotistical, Bill Gates" thing never lasts very long).
To Become Me, In 12 Easy Steps
Written by: Alex Sandell
(feel free to add your name, in place of mine, to heighten the "effect.")
Step # 1:
Everything Star Wars
To achieve maximum "me-ness," you must become obsessed with a twenty-year-old movie. You should get a child-like gleam in your eye, every time you speak of it. Toys should be scattered in a random fashion across every room in your house. More toys should be hanging off of the walls. And, the most important thing is . . . the posters.
Your walls must scream out, "to Hell with a life, I'm obsessed with 'Star Wars!'" My current "Star Wars" posters of choice are from the slightly misguided (profit hungry) special edition versions of the "Star Wars" trilogy. Thanks to the kindness of David Smith, the brains behind "Reel Deals," I get to actually show you the aforementioned posters that you need to have on your wall, if you really desire absolute "Alexness."
Star Wars Special Edition
The "Star Wars" Special Edition poster holds a place in my heart, since you get to look up Princess Leia's nose, and Han Solo is doing his best Elvis impersonation.
Empire Strikes Back Special Edition
This is probably my favorite poster of all time. Something on your body must get erect, the first 17 times you look at it, or else you just won't cut it as an "Alex." If you spin around about 40 times, and then stare at it, it looks like the ships are coming right at you, in 3-D! (Not to mention, the dizzier you get, the more you could swear they put the Emperor from "Return of the Jedi" on the damn thing, even though a different actor portrays him in "Empire Strikes Back.") That reminds me, to become myself, you've gotta notice really little things, and then get super annoyed by them for about five minutes. After being annoyed, you simply forget they ever happened, and watch "Scooby-Doo." (Although, avoid "Scooby-Doo Meets the Boo-Brothers" at ALL costs. It's like a cheap rip-off of "Ghostbusters," but even worse than most cheap rip-offs - even cheap rip-offs of "Ghostbusters. Plus, it has "Scrappy," the worst Oliver ever, and he's badly-animated.)
Return of the Jedi Special Edition
Taking its lead from the actual movie, this is the worst of the series' posters. If it didn't have to have a retarded Ewok on it, maybe I'd get an erect nipple, or something, but as it is, I just look at that stupid Ewok, and think, "it's a midget." Still, it's worth buying, just because Chewbacca looks really, really stoned.
If you wanna buy any of these, to be like me, you should probably buy them from "Reel Deals," since the "Reel Deals" guy let me use pictures of them. I usually don't like to endorse things that make money (another thing you must keep in mind, to actually obtain "Alexness"), but the guy that runs this place is really cool, and it's a lot better supporting him, than some rich corporation. So, going against all my principles, every poster above links to the "Reel Deals" site, where you can buy all three of these beautiful posters, slap them on your wall, and then say, with a huge grin on your face, "I'm becoming more like Alex, every day." (I guess you could also say, "I'm becoming more like "Hubert," but he's not the original Alex, so I wouldn't recommend it.)
If you want the action figures, you can buy them from "Kenner," but I'm not gonna link you to their site, cuz I'm still kinda pissed about them turning me into a midget, a while back. If you need to buy a house, you can try your local newspaper. And if you wanna frame your posters, when you get 'em, don't do it at "Frameworks," cuz they charge like a million dollars, and the lady that works there is a big, ugly freak.
Coming next month (you didn't think you'd get to become me, overnight, did you?): What to eat, to become a me (not to mention becoming really, really unhealthy)!
Go Back to the "Table of Brains," that's what I would do.
Most stuff is ©1997 Alex Sandell. That means you, Hubert.
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