Way back a while ago, a little contest was added to the pages of "The Juicy Cerebellum," without much fanfare (I accidentally typed "fanfart," but I noticed my error, and changed it. That would have been funny if I didn't notice, and left it as "fanfart." I bet some people would have laughed over that one. I think I had this happen once before. Maybe I'm going back in time. Weeeeeeeird.). Who would have guessed that it would have ended, a while later, as one of "THE MOST FAMOUS CONTESTS OF ALL TIME?*" That's right, without an Ed McMahon, or even a Dick Clark, this small, homespun contest turned into what the New York Times has already labeled, "the contest of the century." "Wherever this contest went, new contests sprouted up. Sort of like a 'Contest Appleseed,'" said The National Enquirer. Ken Burns, creator of critically acclaimed films like, "Baseball," and "The Civil War," is already at work on his newest documentary for PBS, tentatively titled, "Totally Juicy Contest: A Contest With Soul." So, those who entered this contest became part of something big. Those people became not only a part of history, but history itself. Under those circumstances, every entrant is a winner. And every one of their entries are included in this article**:
Total losers, and their
Compiled by: Alex Sandell
Written by: Various Artists
-The blind man may step in dogshit, but the deaf man laughs in silence.
-I wonder if you could eat your own shit, and then digest it and then crap, and then eat it again, and digest it and crap, and have one big repeating pile of shit. That'd be pretty gross.
-I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life?
-(When waking up) O SHIT, I have to be at a test in three minutes!
-Think of the biggest number you can. Now add five. Then, imagine if you had that many "Twinkies." Wow, that's five more than the biggest number you could come up with!
-I'll bet anal surgery hurts.
-If like, 30 psychics got in a room, and all started reading each other's minds. Would that create a nuclear explosion?
-It probably isn't a good idea to play leapfrog with a unicorn.
-Why is their Braille on drive-thru ATM machines?
-Remember, the main difference between men and women. Twice as many lips mean twice as many lies.
-When a cow belches, does milk come out of its nose?
-I wonder if snowflakes get scared right before they hit the ground, because they don't have a parachute to save them?
-Someone once told me that masturbating with Icee-Hot (or however it's spelled) is really pleasurable, but I'm sorta afraid to try it.
-If ever there was a bad time to fart, I would think it would have to be when a person kneels down to ask someone to marry them, that might not be a good time. Unless the woman is deaf and can't smell.
-When my bath water gets low on soap suds, I fart.
-Wouldn't it be weird if scientists were wrong about carbohydrates, and stuff? That boogers were actually a super-food for people. I think that's why kids have so much energy.
-If someone is looking at you, are they thinking, "hey, why is that person looking at me?"
-When you wear one pair of socks too long, they get really stinky and then people hate you and then beat you up. Ever had that happen to you?
-Are you protective about your body? Don't think so? Then ask yourself this . . . if a homosexual man jumped on your back, would you beat him off?
I have to interrupt our
regularly scheduled thoughts, to show you the letter this person sent me, after finding
out she (he?) didn't win. "Asshole...I thought you liked my thought...I
wanted a prize...dick." Maybe it's just me, but don't you think that
reaction's getting a little carried away?
-Do horror movies make the psychotic more creative?
-Never base a relationship on trust.
-Why does it all have to SUCK?
-Sometimes you really were right the first time.
-duh . . . . . . .
-100% of those in favor of abortion have already been born.
. . . and, once again, the winning "profound thought of the day" entry:
-I like to poop.
I'd like to thank everyone who entered, and all the newspapers that wrote up the contest. I'd also like to thank my mom and dad. God. And, last but not least, my special dog, "Dildo."
If your entry wasn't included in this section, that doesn't mean I don't like you. When writing this update, I had to pee super bad, so I picked through my emails really quickly, and the only ones I selected are the ones that had something like "profound thought" as the subject. So, about 40% of the people who entered didn't actually get their profound thought printed, but I'd like to remind them that, they're all losers in spirit.
Remember . . . "if it's
not 'profound,' it just isn't juicy."
*Los Angeles Times
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