Cerebellum's (sort of) Tribute to:
FRIDAY THE 13th
Written by: Alex Sandell
What horror series invented the "coolest" serial-killer of all time? What horror series had the nerve to stick it to you in 3-D (and you can't count that dorky last 30 minutes of Freddy's Dead)? What horror series ended my horror movie "virginity" at the tender age of 9? If you said Friday the 13th you obviously have a knack for reading titles of updates, before the updates themselves. So, in honor of this special holiday of bad luck and death, I decided to give Friday the 13th the Cerebellum treatment by critiquing each of the films, and everything that makes them great, from gruesome gore to topless chicks.
Friday the 13th Part 1
Semblance of a plot: This was the film that started it all. Jason wasn't actually the killer in this one, it was his mom, Pamela. That's why I feel this is still the best Mother's Day video around.
Juicy critique: A work of art! Set the foundation for the following 8 films by developing the standard "get laid-get killed," "smoke pot-get cut up" and "revenge is the best way to get even" themes. Come to think of it, it sounds sorta like a Republican convention. Now that's scary!
Gore level: Fairly good amount of gore. Lots of throat slashing, axes in the head and dudes with arrows stuck in them. If you want a real treat, get yourself a region-free DVD player and check out the uncut, unrated version released overseas by Warner Bros. Then get out your pen and write to Paramount and ask them what the FUCK they're waiting for, and when we're going to get some videos, laser-discs and DVDs, with all the unrated goodness; just like mom used to make!
Nudity level: Kinda sucky. You see a girl in her underwear, and Kevin Bacon runs around with his shirt off a lot.
Totally JUICY rating (on a scale of 1-10): 10
Friday the 13th Part 2
Semblance of a plot: Now that Jason's mom lost her head in part one, Jason feels compelled to come back from the dead and chop people up.
Juicy critique: Another classic! Jason making a shrine for his mother's decomposing head really touched me. A genuinely moving moment. Watch it with someone you love.
Gore level: Pretty weak. The MPAA decided the first one got carried away and decided to censor quite a few kills, this time around. Still some fun deaths, though. Is "fun" the right word?
Nudity level: A great skinny-dipping scene. I was only 11 the first time I saw it, and my friend and I must've paused it about a million times. "Really, I'm not lying, you can see her bush in this shot!"
Totally JUICY rating: Another 10. (Hey, give me a break, it's Friday the 13th.)
Friday the 13th Part 3
Semblance of a plot: Some girl was attacked by Jason when she was a kid and so logically she decides to take all her friends out to the place where it happened for a fun weekend getaway. Everyone smokes pot, has sex and gets killed.
Juicy critique: The first disappointing installment in the Friday series. I heard the 3-D was amazing, but on video it just looks like a bad movie.
Gore level: It's pretty gory. But all the blood in the world can't make up for a lousy film. And the gore is made cheesy by the lame "3D" FX.
Nudity level: For some unknown reason, I can't remember. I think you see a little bit of butt in the shower.
Totally JUICY rating: 5.
Friday the 13th Part 4: The Final Chapter
Semblance of a plot: Some genius at Paramount thought it would be clever to kill off Jason and have other killers take his place in the following sequels. Because of that, this kid named Tommy (played by the always annoying Corey Feldman) kills Jason, "for real this time."
Juicy critique: A splendid Friday. Makes up for the lame part 3. Also features that weirdo Crispin Glover, from Back to the Future, What's Eating Gilbert Grape, Charlie's Angels and Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle. I had him autograph my VCR copy of this, when he was in Minneapolis doing a poetry reading of his weird-ass poetry. He looked at me funny and I said "poop."
Gore level: More gore than the first three combined. Okay, maybe I'm getting a bit over-excited. Probably has about the same amount of gore as the first, but far more killings.
Nudity level: There's some nudity, but everyone's hairstyles are so lame you hardly notice.
Totally JUICY rating: I'd have to slap an 8 onto this one. Stupid Corey Feldman.
Friday the 13th Part 5: A New Beginning
Semblance of a plot: Tommy has somehow grown up about ten years since part four and turned into a different actor, and now everyone thinks he's nutty and they send him off to some insane asylum where he starts seeing "Jason" again.
Juicy critique: Pretty crummy. I don't know why they had to dump Jason and get a new killer. The guy's a dork. More Ronald McDonald than Jason Voorhees. The "mystery" is easier to solve than your average episode of Scooby-Doo. They weren't even trying (sometimes I wonder if that was sort of par for the course, for the series).
Gore level: The most killings, yet! Parts of this film are actually painful to watch. But there was a trade-off; you don't see many of the murders on screen, and the ones you do see are heavily edited. Don't forget to bring the kids!
Nudity level: Also amazing. Lots of boobs flying around everywhere. I remember this sort of friend of mine kept claiming that the girl with the big tits out in the woods was his dad's girlfriend. That was funny.
Totally JUICY rating: Not as happy of an experience when it's not really Jason behind the mask. Plus, the story's weak, even for a Friday the 13th. I'd have to drop this one down to a 5.
Friday the 13th Part 6: Jason Lives
Semblance of a plot: Tommy, who somehow became yet another actor, escapes from the loony bin and accidentally revives the REAL Jason (take that, FAKE Jason!). He then runs around trying to convince everyone that Jason is back, but no one besides a couple of "them nutty teenagers" believe him.
Juicy critique: This was the first Friday I saw at the theater (even though I usually lie, for some unknown reason, and tell people the first I saw at the theater was the first film). My cousin Annie was absolutely CONVINCED that they weren't gonna bring back Jason. Boy, was she ever wrong. A lot more comedy than the others, but also a LITTLE more plot and better directing. Oh, and Alice Cooper. You can't help but laugh when the counselors are LISTENING to a song about Jason, while claiming that there was no such person.
Gore level: This is the one where the MPAA finally buckled down and America got that much more conservative. Most of the REALLY gory scenes were completely removed. Safe for senior-citizens and small woodland creatures.
Nudity level: I really MUST be getting old, I just can't remember. Some girl fucks a guy in a mobile home, but I think she had her top on, for inexplicable reasons.
Totally JUICY rating: For all I care, they could have ended the series AFTER this one. This is the final Friday that I really enjoyed. A 10.
Friday the 13th Part 7: The New Blood
Semblance of a plot: Tommy is completely forgotten and some girl named Tina becomes the main hero. Through her psychic powers, she brings Jason back to life and then spends the rest of the movie being told that she's crazy.
Juicy critique: I don't know WHY they had to bring all this magical crap into it. Pretty stupid plot, bad actors and the most annoying dialogue yet. It always looks like Jason took a big dump in his pants.
Gore level: Should have been called "The NO Blood." Even less than part 6. The MPAA must have just had enough of the Friday series and decided to go all out with the editing machines. Jerks.
Nudity level: Some okay nudity. A skinny-dipping scene reminiscent of the one in part two, only without the bush.
Totally JUICY rating: This is a hard one to rate. It's a pretty horrible movie, but I'd have to give a 6, just for the "sleeping bag" kill.
Friday the 13th Part 8: Jason Takes Manhattan
Semblance of a plot: Jason hops on a boat and kills people. Then he runs around Canada, which is supposed to be New York, and it ends.
Juicy critique: The worst of the series. Sooooooooo pointless and boring. Should have been called "Jason Takes a Boat Ride." Only 20-30 minutes are spent in Cana ... ahem ... "New York." A complete disaster. Pretend it's your "favorite movie ever" and make somebody you hate sit through it.
Gore level: Practically none. Censoring things is dumb. It's rated R. You have to be 17 to get into an R (unless you're me and you see R's on video when you're 13). I think most 17 year olds can handle a bunch of fake blood and makeup. Give the youth of today some credit!
Nudity level: This stuck up girl tries to seduce her jerky teacher while wearing a bra (the girl was wearing the bra, not the teacher), but that's about it. Oh, and there's a topless girl and guy at the beginning. The girl has erect nipples. I didn't pay attention to the guy.
Totally JUICY rating: 3 (And that's being generous).
Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday
Semblance of a plot: After an EXCELLENT opening scene that's similar to the earlier installments in the series, Jason is completely blown away. We then find out that there's been some stupid demon-worm living inside of him and that worm proceeds to enter other people's bodies and they become "Jason."
Juicy critique: Why? Why? Why? Why did they ever make this? Who ever came up with this half-baked idea for a plot? Why is Jason suddenly a worm? Not really a sequel, just an excuse.
Gore level: Actually not THAT bad. Kinda okay gore, especially if you watch the unrated version.
Nudity level: A little bit of nudity and they actually have a GIRL peeing, for a change.
Totally JUICY rating: 4
Semblance of a plot: For no reason Jason is back out of Hell and he ends up being deep-frozen with the girl he was trying to kill. The girl's thawed out and then runs around the ship and tries to convince everybody that Jason can't be stopped ... even by their low-budget Star Trek: The Original Series space guns.
Juicy critique: If Leprechaun and Pinhead went there, why not Jason? Maybe because it's a stupid fucking place for today's serial killer to go. The movie gets by on cheese and cheese alone. The movie's hilarious, if you watch it with the right group of people and like pot in your brownies. Uber-Jason goes so far over-the-top, it stops being cheesy-fun and just turns into pure cheese. Bad cheese. Stinky cheese. It smells like the sweat that accumulates under a guy's balls, on a hot summer day. Ew!
Gore level: Surprising amount of gore. Appears the MPAA was too busy laughing to bother cutting much out.
Nudity level: Fair amount of gratituous boob shots. Two girls toward the end (in a nice nod to the sleeping bag kill of Part 7) and I think another girl is topless when she's on top, during intercourse with some guy earning his ball sweat in the wrong place and at the wrong time.
Totally JUICY rating: 6
Freddy vs. Jason
Semblance of a plot: Freddy is stuck in Hell and unable to instill fear into today's modern teen (cracking bad jokes while showing off your long metal fingernails, doesn't get the mileage it did in a pre-9/11 world). He decides to bring Jason back from Hell and send him on a killing spree, to make the kids afraid, again. When Jason starts taking all of Freddy's glory, and the man in the fedora is left doing nothing but spitting out poorly-written exposition, he gets mad at Jason and decides to kick the goalie's ass.
Juicy critique: Although it's not even an official Friday film, it's the closest anything's gotten since Part 6 (or Part 7, if I'm feeling generous)! This is more Jason's movie than Freddy's. There are some of the best kills in the entire series and the blood sprays in fountains, rather than brief ejaculations. It's sort of cartoony, but if you expected anything else, you're an idiot. The battle royale at the end is a blast. The whole movie's a blast, actually. I laughed, I cried, I had a good time (I didn't really cry).
Gore level: Kill Bill sort of gore, but there's a lot of it. I don't know who sucked whose cock at the MPAA, but this movie gets away with murder ... the on-screen kind.
Nudity level: A body double with huge hooters shows them off in the shower. Another girl shows both tits and ass at the beginning of the film. There's some more nudity in Jason's warped remainder of a head. If you like your boobies exposed, you're not gonna get much better, unless you get a copy of one of the Girl's Gone Wild DVDs.
Totally JUICY rating: 9
Friday fans, send me an email! What's your fave. Jason flicks?
OWN 'EM ALL!
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