The Jeffersonian

Prepared for prom: Sandy Wicker, Amy Otto, Jenny Jergens, Frank Baldwin,
Heidi Marino. Photograph by Doug Winters, who apologizes for cutting off
all the girls heads. "I was drunk," was Doug's only comment.
Exciting Interview with Superintendent Chester
by Doug Winters
Q: Will we build a new high school?
A: At some point this district will need to build a new high school but for now I think my parent's basement is working just fine - as long as you little bastards stay out of "Chester's Secret Room!" That room is OFF-LIMITS!!!!! You may only go in this room if you are currently attending sexual ed classes or are going to swear that "statutory rape" is a beautiful thing that you would never report.
Q: How was the decision made to let the seniors out two days early?
A: My parent's house had to be fumigated after we discovered cockroaches in the lunchables.
Q: Should we keep the graduation standards?
A: I think that the system works well with how we're working it where, if you don't flunk, you graduate. I do think there needs to be some sort of modification, so Doug Winters can finally get out of the 12th grade, but for now, it's okay.
Q: How do teachers feel about the new standards?
A: They're overwhelmed by the workload involved in trying to get every young adult to pass. We need to review the curriculum, and incorporate the grade "G" so everyone with an "F" will still graduate.
Q: What are your dreams for our schools?
A: I'd like to see my mom promoted from lunchable dispenser to janitor, where she doesn't have to worry about things like expiration dates, sanitation and cockroaches.
Music Review
by Tony G
The Slim Shady LP, Eminem
This is the classic Em album: it's the beginning of hiphop as we know it. Some of us will be going off on our own next year and if you do, this disc must come with you. Whenever you feel homesick, listen to this album and you'll kick youyrself for even thinking about it! It feels like a life-long party coming out of your stereo - creative lyrics flow out of the lyrics. It may be the oldest hip-hop around, but it still can't be topped but anyone else.
The White Album, The Beatles
This is the classic Beatles album: it's the beginning of punk rock as we know it. Some of us will be living in our parents basement masturbating over cow farts next year and if you do, this is the disc you must cum to. Whenever you feel horny, listen to this album and you'll spray youyrself for even thinking about it! It feels like a life-long cow-orgy coming out of your stereo - and right up your asshole. It may be the oldest punk rock around, but it still can't be topped by anyone else, except for maybe Metallica who is very punk in there own way and have the nerve to stand up to the evil Napster.
The Evil Napster, Metallica
This is the classic Metallica album that hasn't been made yet: it's the beginning of Napster-bashing as we know it. Some of us will be bashing Napster next year and if you do, this is the disc you must bash to. Whenever you feel like small portions of your millions of dollars are being robbed from you, listen to this album and you'll feel like even more small portions of your millions of dollars are being robbed from you. "Hush, little Nap fan, don't say a word, never mind that this is so absurd, report our fans, that's what we'll do, the next one in jail could be you!" I got those lyrics off of the first single called "Hush, little nap fan, don't say a word, never mind that this is so absurd, report our fans, that what we'll do, the next one in jail could be you!" It is the best song ever in the world. You can find it at Napster.

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