Jeffrey Skilling Got Off Easy
Written by: Alex Sandell

24 years and 4 months in prison?!?  There is no way that, in that short a time, Skilling will be able to take it up the ass as many times as he gave it in the ass to thousands of people with his "accounting tricks and shady business deals that led to the loss of thousands of jobs, more than $60 billion in Enron stock and more than $2 billion in employee pension plans after the company imploded in 2001."

Not to mention, Skilling can get 54 days a year reduced from his sentence for "good behavior" (something the man certainly seems incapable of).  Jeffrey was also ordered to undergo alcohol and mental-health counseling.  If he does so, a year's automatically dropped from his sentence -- sort of like a "Get out of Jail Free" card. 

What's the deal with everyone who does anything wrong these days claiming they had problems with alcoholism?  From Mel Gibson to that creepy predator/pedophile Republican Representative that just got his ass busted, thanks to transcripts where he chatted with underage male interns about how hard he was and wondered if he made the kids "horny" (sort of like a really twisted Austin Powers). 

These were transcripts that would make Bill Clinton and his cigar blush -- and it's not easy to make a cigar blush!  Really.  I've tried.  I told my cigar it wasn't adequate in size.  I told it that my last cigar was larger and tasted better.  I said it smelled bad and needed a shower.  I got nothin'.  Not even a sheepish grin.  Those cigars know no shame.

But enough about my cigar.  What makes people think they can just scream "ALCOHOLIC" or "AMBIEN" and be done with it?  Alcoholism is a disease.  Rep. Mark Foley may as well have hopped up to the mic and claimed his MS made him do it, or his rheumatoid arthritis (a terrible affliction I actually have) or his HIV. 

Alcoholism makes for an easy scapegoat.  While they can test you for HIV, arthritis or MS, no one can really prove someone is an alcoholic.  Not unless the self-proclaimed alcoholic is going through some pretty massive delirium tremens (or, as Jack Sparrow would most likely call them, "rum fits").  And from what I've gathered, the only shaking Foley's been doing is in his boots, over the consequences of his actions and the possible downfall of his beloved Republican Party.

But we were talking about Jeff Skilling, weren't we?  At least I was.  Y'all may of been talking about midget wrestling, for all I know.  Mr. Skilling, the latest apparent teatoller come soak, is going to get a year off for getting rid of that awful "drinking problem" he has.  I think this is an insult to real people actually struggling with the real disease.  I was an alcoholic for about 2 weeks and it isn't easy and it does take its toll on your body ... fast.

It's not an excuse.  Period.  It just isn't.  If you really are an alcoholic, you probably have plenty of excuses.  But to excuse yourself by falsely claiming you're an alcoholic is low.  But is anything above Mr. Skilling?  I'm assuming he claimed to have a problem with the bottle, if the judge was willing to shave a year off his sentence for seeking counseling.  Then again, assuming makes an ass out of "u" and ... er ... "mi." 

I think that "u" and "me" thing works better when using the word "assume."  And you're still spelling "U" like Prince.

Anyway, Jeffrey Skilling got off easy.  Period.  He gets 24 years while Ken Lay gets sentenced to an eternity.  God musta really been ticked with old Ken, to have the guy keel over before his sentencing.  At least he's giving Skilling a bit of a reprieve before damning him to Hell for all time. 

That's gracious of God, isn't it?  Maybe Skilling can learn the error of his ways and still have a chance at some sort of purgatory where he's damned to do paperwork for 3.5 billion years.  With no Band-Aids for the paper cuts he'll have to endure on a daily basis.  On the other hand, the Lord musta thought the man George W. Bush affectionately referred to as "Kenny Boy" didn't have a chance at redemption. 

But we need to look at the bright side of Skilling's limited sentence:  He has time to change (and even more time to drop the soap).  And the ability to forgive can be a powerful thing and a strong character attribute.  Maybe in 24 years, all those whose lives were completely destroyed by Skilling and his cronies will be able to forgive the cocksucker poor guy. 

... At least if he stays sober. 

email me! now! thanks.

Back to The Juicy Cerebellum