Lately, in discussion groups, news-reports, or even at family get-togethers, people have been wondering if I'm really the second-coming of Christ.  "That Juicy Cerebellum of  his has spoken to me like nothing since the Bible."  "He really makes me feel like I'm not just some useless being walking around all the time, sort of like the Bible."  "When I go to The Juicy Cerebellum, I feel like I'm someone, just like the Bible made me feel!"  "When I'm taking a crap, I know that he's there, beside me, taking one too.  Especially since he always has diarrhea, sort of like the Bible."  Comments like these have had people wondering . . . and praying.

Well my friends, the comments in the preceding paragraph would be hard for a mere-mortal to live with.  So, they shouldn't give me any problem, since . . . you guessed it . . . I'M JESUS!  I was planning on waiting until the next "Lethal Weapon" sequel, to reveal it, but it looks like half the world has already caught on, and I figure you, the loyal Juicy Cerebellum reader, should read my official statement first, and I couldn't think of a better place for you to hear it than, "The Juicy Cerebellum!"

So, dear reader, here it is, without further adieu:

Conclusive Proof That bast-i.gif (883 bytes) Really AM 
bast-j.gif (1016 bytes)esus Christ
By:  Alex "Jesus" Sandell

bast-j.gif (1016 bytes)esus:
had a mom that was a virgin.

  bast-i.gif (883 bytes):
have one that pretends to be.

bast-j.gif (1016 bytes)esus:
repeatedly read words of the scripture.

  bast-i.gif (883 bytes):
repeatedly watch "Star Wars." 

bast-j.gif (1016 bytes)esus:
warned the wealthy that if they didn't change their ways, they were going to Hell.

bast-i.gif (883 bytes):
tell lots of rich people to "go to Hell!" 

bast-j.gif (1016 bytes)esus:
turned his blood into wine, and ate The Last Supper™.

bast-i.gif (883 bytes):
got really fucked up at this bar one night, and threw up my last supper. 

bast-j.gif (1016 bytes)esus:
died on the cross

bast-i.gif (883 bytes):
got a haircut

bast-j.gif (1016 bytes)esus:
was tempted by the devil.

bast-i.gif (883 bytes):
was tempted to shop at my "friendly, local" Wal-Mart store. 

bast-j.gif (1016 bytes)esus:                                                                                       
went through life a content virgin.

bast-i.gif (883 bytes):
went through high-school desperately trying to end my virginity.

bast-j.gif (1016 bytes)esus:
had the 12 Apostles

bast-i.gif (883 bytes):
can't remember who any of them were.

bast-j.gif (1016 bytes)esus:
resented authority, and hated the way things were run.

bast-i.gif (883 bytes):
ditto.

bast-j.gif (1016 bytes)esus:
used metaphors to spread his words of wisdom.

bast-i.gif (883 bytes):
just say stuff that makes absolutely no sense, so people will think that I'm smart.

bast-j.gif (1016 bytes)esus:
is rumored to be making a second coming.

bast-i.gif (883 bytes):
think having a "second coming" shows that you're probably good in the sack.

bast-j.gif (1016 bytes)esus:
is the son of God.

bast-i.gif (883 bytes):
am the son of a lawyer.

bast-j.gif (1016 bytes)esus:
had a movie about him done by Martin Scorsese.

bast-i.gif (883 bytes):
watched it.

bast-j.gif (1016 bytes)esus:
said the Rosary, every day.

bast-i.gif (883 bytes):
update "The Juicy Cerebellum" a lot.

bast-i.gif (883 bytes):
created this update,

bast-j.gif (1016 bytes)esus:
didn't.

There you have it.  Proof.  Go tell it on the mountains!  Praise be my name!  Now I'm gonna have to get used to singing "Jesus loves me, this I know," with it's all new lyrics, "Jesus is me, this I know, for The Juicy Cerebellum tells me so."  Eww . . .   

All writing on this page ©1997 Alex Sandell [All Rights Reserved].  I can change the ten commandments any time I want to.   You know that, don't you?  A hint:  "Thou shall not violate copyrights put into place for The Juicy Cerebellum, or they will probably go to Hell (after the appropriate court-proceedings, blah, blah, blah)." 

You know the routine, just click it.

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