A Message From Christ, Our
Written by: Jesus Christ, with help from Alex Sandell
Dear Viewing Public -
I realize that I'm scheduled to visit Earth in the year 2000, and, for at least the first 1,500 years, I had planned to do so. Unfortunately, circumstances beyond my control have taken place. These unfortunate circumstances may prevent my visit. To get to the point, I have developed a problem with my weight. To be honest, I am becoming a real fat-ass.
For one or two-hundred years, I thought baggy clothes and a longer beard, to conceal my double-chin, could hide it, but, after seeing the cover of the current "Newsweek," I can see that it didn't help. I even straightened my hair to try and give my cheeks that "sleek" look only a skinny-person can acquire, but to no avail. I look like a friggin' blowfish!
I started having a problem with eating almost immediately after dying. There was just so much food being offered. I mean, I'm the Son of God, who doesn't want to feed me? It wasn't the temptation on Earth that was tough, it was that up in Heaven. Things aren't all "peaches and cream" here, you know. Or, maybe it's all the "peaches and cream" which turned out to be the problem. It doesn't seem fair. Dad, "God," or whatever you wanna call him, can eat all he wants, and he doesn't gain a pound. I pile on three meals a day, and there isn't a treadmill in all of the galaxy that can help.
Anyway, I was fine with my weight-problem for a while. I really did a good job at avoiding social-functions, such as my birthday, and hung around people I didn't really know very much. I became pretty good friends with all the sucky apostles, and ditched those in which I was close to on Earth.
Then, after years of struggling with my weight, the founder of "Hostess" died. I sincerely fell in love with those "Ho-Ho's." And, man - those generic cupcakes stood the test of forever, and then some. All for a couple of bucks per 12-pack. Who could resist? I tried the low-fat ones, but they just weren't the same. It tasted like Satan made them, or at least made them DRY!
So I went on with my over-eating, even knowing that I had a photo-shoot for Newsweek coming up. I took the shots, they drew the picture, and it has led to this. What is "this," you ask? "This" is my blatant refusal to come back to Earth in the year 2000, no matter how much you want me. What does it matter, really? I was just gonna separate the sinners from the innocent, and possibly destroy a few cities, if dad approved.
Well then, it's been said. Christ is a pile of "Twinkies" filled lard. I should have seen it coming when the Apostles kept saying things like, "wide load ahead, watch out for Jesus" whenever I appeared. It's almost as though they stopped taking me seriously. I wasn't the son of God, anymore, I was just your everyday fatty.
But, as of today, I refuse to be ridiculed! "Newsweek" can have their fun! I'm fat, fit and, above all, the son of the father of creation. Top that, you scrawny, pretentious morons.
Not that I'm being judgmental, or anything.
P.S. - Jenny Craig is going to Hell.
All Text ©1999 Alex Sandell. If you copy this, without both Christ's, and Alex's permission, I'll force you to attend Church every Sunday, and eat fish during Lent!
Email Jesus Christ at Christ@Heaven.Net. He probably won't get back to you. Email Alex at email@example.com. He probably will.
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