Christ and His Anorexic Supporters
Written by: Alex Sandell
Up until 48 hours ago, I considered myself the one to be shocking you guys, if anything. In my online time, I've had a lot of pissed of conservatives, Texans, headbangers, Latter-Day Saints, GeoCities officials and members of Wal-Mart pretty upset over certain updates I've written for The Juicy Cerebellum. Some even tried to sue me. Still, I haven't had anything come close to the hatemail I've received over the update I wrote a mere 2 days ago. I whipped it up in a couple of hours and called it, "A Message From Christ: Our Savior." I honestly thought this was a "controversy-free" update. Something fun, in a world of missiles, bombs, Bill Clinton's dick and a fat chick who sucked it. Yet, it turned into, hands down, the most controversial update I've ever written, and I was shocked. You read me correctly, I was shocked.
Hatemail began pouring in instantly, after I uploaded the update. People UNsubscribed from my mailing-list. Others boycotted the page. Why? Being that I feel there's nothing sacrilegious or even mildly offensive in what I, or Fat Jesus, wrote, I can't really answer my own question.
The update was nothing more than a parody pertaining to our weight-obsessed society. Christ looked a bit "pudgy" on the cover of the current "Newsweek" and I thought it would be funny to see what it would be like to have a self-conscious savior. A savior just as concerned with his weight as the rest of us are. What if he saw his picture on the cover of "Newsweek," and decided he was just too fat for the second coming?
I guess a lot of you didn't find the humor in it. Again, I ask, "why?" Are we, as a society, this prejudiced against people who are overweight? Is my insinuating that Christ may have a weight-problem really such a sin? It seems so. And that's what's sick. A bunch of people so horribly judgmental against cellulite, they find the thought of one of their heroes gaining weight appalling, sacrilegious, even.
I've been asked to apologize for this update. One reader calls it a "fatal mistake." I won't apologize, and anyone who decided/decides not to visit my page because of it can suck my fucking cock. Speaking of cocks, I guess size really does matter, and unless you weigh 93 pounds, and eat salad and drink bottled water at every meal, you're just a pig. At least you aren't cool with Christ, our lord.
But, enough of my bitching, let me show you, the intelligent reader without a chip on his or her shoulder about a third of the hatemail I have received, in the last 48 hours, regarding a humorous update portraying Christ as more than just a "skinny dude." I guess I should include my comebacks, shouldn't I? I mean, it IS only fair, right? Christ wanted comebacks, didn't he? I mean, as a fat dude, comebacks is all he had, right?
My hatred for you right now is more than is even expressible. I can tolerate a joke about Christ but you are not joking when you have the nerve to tell me the SAVIOR is a tub of fat. Who do you think you are? I didn't even get upset when you challenged God. Let me tell you right now, you lame excuse for a human, you are going to BURN BURN BURN in fucking HELL! Don't you ever make fun of Jesus Christ that way. EVER! EVER! EVER! Do you get me? You'll regret it and you can't prevent your death, can you? I have been a huge fan of the Cerebellum since you started, but I will NEVER visit your page again. EVER!
I suppose that means you'll never visit for all of "Eternity." Wanna know something, Beth? I don't really give a shit (not, EVER! EVER! EVER!). Take all you friends down below, with you. What were you doing here in the first place?
Dear Cocksucker -
What a piece of work you are. Slamming Christ like he's just a big fat ass looking for a lay. What is this shit? Are you now better than Jesus? Are you so great with your little webpage that you can now take on CHRIST and have the nerve to tell him he's fat? Let me tell you --- Christ is skinny and you are a lame devil-worshipper who thinks he has a sense of humor. Fucker.
Let me tell you, Zippy the Pinhead, that you are confused. I would never claim my "little webpage" is so great that I could take on, "CHRIST." My webpage is just so great, Christ chooses to express himself through its pages. If rumors hold true, he'll be revealing his herpes problem right here, within the next couple of weeks. Isn't it just nuts, having a man that is made after you and me representing humanity? Next thing you know, he'll grow his hair long and push out a beard. Um . . . yeah . . . hmm . . .
I suppose you never fart either. You are just so perfect that you can make fun of anyone including the ultimate figure of SAINTHOOD! Jesus Christ was a hero. Don't you call him fat or anything else.
Not even, "the ultimate figure of SAINTHOOD?" Please?!? If I use REALLY ANNOYING CAPITAL LETTERS that even a FIFTH-GRADE TEACHER wouldn't accept, could I call him names? Could I?
Dear Satanist -
Crist would never be fat because he isn't that lazy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dear Cindy - Christ would never spell his name wrong ("Crist"), because he isn't that stupid!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i dont understand why you have to go to the extent of insulting christianaty....whats the point?
IxLuVxSiLk, the point is simple. It's to make people like you pick a better nick. Christ hates complicated email addresses (he doesn't care for AOL much, either). You're going to Hell. By the way, is it just me, or do Christians want to feel insulted? Not to mention, being such a "Christian," you should probably learn how to spell "Christianity" right. Did I mention that God loves Capitalization?
Dear Alex -
As un-Christ-like as it seems I really fucking hate your guts after reading the new update! You say Christ is FAT? There's nothing in the world that he wouldn't be. Jesus is fit. If our savior isn't fit who the hell would be?
Dear PIECE OF SHIT-
Take me off of your newsletter and never email me again! I will never visit your page again! You violated the ultimate rule by making fun of MY Savior's weight. MY relationship with "The Juicy Cerebellum" is fucking OVER!
Am I supposed to be feeling regret, at this moment? What weight IS "YOUR" Savior? You better hope Heaven isn't for the obese, because, from what I've been told, Christ can't stand "that Slim-Fast shit," and Richard Simmons is "the kind of guy" he "wouldn't spend eternity with even if his soul was clean." If Richard goes to Hell, will you ask for his autograph?
I WILL NEVER VISIT YOUR DIRTY SINFUL PAGE AGAIN!
What about my clean, happy one, with all the bulimiacs and pictures of vomit?
I just finished reading the "Christ" update and couldn't help wondering why you called him a fat ass. I'm sorry to say but I'm a little confused as to what you were trying to get across. Besides the fact that he may or may not exist it sounds like you really hate him. This is my guess, and don't take it the wrong way, you blame God or Christ for the way your life has turned out. Now please, like I already mentioned don't take it the wrong way, I'm not pissed that you called Christ a fat-ass.
I don't give a shit. I'm just wondering what you have against Christ and that was my guess. If I'm wrong then please tell my why.
Okay. Here's why you're wrong: I don't think there's anything wrong with Christ being a "fat ass." Millions and millions of people have a weight-problem and million and millions more choose to ridicule and destroy any sense of self-esteem that the fat-folks may have. I think the overweight part of our population are the most misunderstood. What a life they live. We can all make fun of them and still be politically "correct." They can't get dates, they can't get laid, they can't look in the mirror without crying. If they're in the entertainment business, they have to act, "funny," or they must be, "depressed." "Oh, look - the funny fat guy! He'll crack us up!" Fat people are the epitome of our lame, "personality counts, as long as he's rich" excuse for existence. Would Chris Farley have gotten Playboy models to sleep with him if he was just your everyday Joe? Would he have gotten famous if he wasn't fat? It's a glaring contradiction, and it's rather sad. It's people like you, "Curious," who don't grasp the concept. People who are fat don't want to be "large." Would you want to be labeled a "fat-ass?" No? Neither would I. A lot of people are. Friends of mine are. Decent wonderful human-beings who are persecuted for gaining 30 extra pounds. These people are noble, and they live with it. Could you? Christ could. Think about that, for a minute, you "God-Loving" fucks.
©1999 Alex Sandell. If you copy this, well . . . Richard Simmons sitting on your face will be just the beginning!
Email Alex at email@example.com
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