Back to the table of brainsThe Other Side of
Jesus
Introduction Written by: Alex Sandell
Letters Written by: a bunch of other people who aren't Alex Sandell
Christ; the man, the myth, the legend. "Fat Christ;" The Juicy Cerebellum's biggest controversy yet ("yet" meaning there will be more, especially if idiots remain this sensitive). First, there was the update, "A Message From Christ, Our Savior," As I have previously mentioned, I had no idea Christ, or this update, would cause such turmoil and conflict. Then again, he was crucified, wasn't he? I just wonder how they got those stakes/nails/sharp-things-they-crucify-people-with to hold him up, after he put on those inevitable pounds during the last supper? Some argue that, because of the fact he was feeding his disciples his own blood and body, he may have shed weight, but I beg to differ. I think he ate himself back up like a big pig. It is rumored that the Apostles were overheard saying things such as, "quit hogging yourself, Jesus," and "save some of you for us, Christ!"
If the rumors hold true, who can blame the man? This was to be his last meal. Before your execution, would you skimp out on a ton of food, especially if it was your own body that you were chowing down on, or would you go hog-wild, and eat as much as possible, so the executioner's have more poop to clean up after you're dead? You'd "eat yourself out" (for lack of a better expression), right? That's what I thought. Why would Christ be any different? I mean, he was supposed to be a mortal, just like the rest of us (outside of the fact that he performed miracles and looked like a hippie), why wouldn't he be a bit gluttonous after knowing his time was up?
Yet, the Christian's "Jesus-Senses" were tingling, and those aforementioned senses led them to my update. Of course dozens of them went on a rampage which was fitting only of Satan himself. They condemned me to Hell. They claimed to have a bitter hatred toward what I had written under "their" Savior's name. They even accused the Tele-Tubbies of being gay. But, it was to no avail, because after printing 9 or 10 of their letters in "Bitter Hatred: Christ and His Anorexic Supporters," they ended up looking like hypocritical fools, and inspired well over 100 readers of The Juicy Cerebellum to write in with their opposing viewpoints.
Being that fair is fair (I think the Bible says so), I felt the need to post some of these opposing viewpoints. There are a lot of them, and many of them are fairly similar, although, each of them has something unique to say, so read them all, if you will, before turning on Comedy Central.
If you've written one of these letters, please understand that, for the first time in my mortal existence, I can't respond personally to you (well, technically, I could, but it would take a really, really long time). With nearly 200 of you writing in over a couple of days, responding would take forever. I hope the printing of your email makes up for it (if you're email wasn't printed, um, well, um . . .). If you're still not satisfied, YOU'RE GOING TO HELL! (That's the Christian attitude, right?)
Now, for your viewing pleasure, here are the letters:
Dear Alex-
thank you so much for this update. I thought I was the only one wondering if Christ
was looking a little heavy. and thank you for not giving a shit about people who give a
shit about stupid shit (whoa...that hurt my head.) I've been told that Jesus experienced
every single feeling in the human emotion catalogue. who's to say he didn't gain a little
weight in order to experience the dejection of a fat kid? maybe that 40 day fast in the
desert was really just a diet plan gone awry.
-CowChip
To All the readers that bitched about Alex's article:
Get a clue people, This is a comedy site, and a parody article. Everybody is free to have
there own opinion about the "higher powers", and Alex is no different. I
doubt christ has any problem with the thought of obesity, if he did, then 65% of all
americans would be going to hell for that reason alone!! Lay off the guy for poking
fun at a picture .... for that's all it was. So many top comedians make rude
declarations against christianity, and you all laugh. Where's the difference?
I mean come on people, life's too serious, if we can't poke fun at the tenets of living,
then we'll spend our life in a dull boring office job doing forms in triplicate, going
home and zoning out till bedtime, then doing it all over again the next day. Get a
life, or, to quote Christian Slater in "Pump up the volume" -
"Eat your cereal with a fork, and do your homework in the dark." Keep up the
humor, Alex!
-Chappel
Alex-
seven little words for those Bible-thumping morons who send you hate-mail:
"Judge Not Lest Ye Be Judged Yourself"
If they really believed that Jesus/God was the almighty, then why do they take it upon
themselves to inform you of your fate and not leave it to those more qualified? I've
never understood that. . .
-Brian
Alex,
Wow Alex, I just read the "Bitter Hatred" update. Personally, I thought
the Fat Jesus bit was a riot! Ever since I first started reading your site, about a
year ago, I've thought it was the greatest on the 'net. This has affirmed that
belief. I've always stood up for the idea of free speech. If you want to claim
Christ is fat, more power to you! I can't believe these small-minded cunt
nuggets would actually take you seriously! And I love how they all assume
Jesus is thin. Is it not possible that Christ could be a tad pudgy? Hell, I
was overweight back in High School. I know what it's like. Personally, if I
were Christian, I would be very comforted by the thought that my savior was fat.
It'd make me feel better about myself thinking that even demigods can get a little soft
around the midsection. Anyway Alex, I'm proud of you and your site for having those kind
of balls to not only make an update like that, but to stand up against that kind of
hatemail and laugh. You kick ass in my book.
-Tom
Dear Webmaster-
I loved the Fat Christ Update.
Alex,
Hello, I'm a big fan of your page and every update you put on it, including the Christ
one. I was shocked as well that so many people could find that offensive. When
I read it I found it humorous and didn't see anything in it that would piss anyone off.
I just wanted to tell you that I thought it was a good update and hope, actually I
know, that you will keep up the good work.
-Vanessa Alabarces
Dear Webmaster-
I happen to think your update on Fat Jesus was funny. I'm sure you have gotten some
e-mails saying the same thing I am. If not, then that's pretty sad that people cannot take
jokes. I think it's cool you aren't apologizing. You shouldn't. If people can't take two
topics; religion and religious humor, and put it together, then they should have lived
three hundred years ago, or become Amish.
-Erin
Alex-
Hey, don't pay attention to the assholes sending you hate mail about the Fat Christ
update. For everyone who didn't get it, there are at least ten who did.
Actually, I don't know how many people got it, but I know I did, and the others are just a
bunch of stupid fucks who don't deserve to witness your intelligence or humor.
Maybe "witness" isn't the best word...makes you sound like you're divine or
something, and that might make certain people angry again.
-JEN
Alex-
I can't believe some people got so fucking upset! God (or Christ) forbid if anybody tries
to make a joke of anything so "personal". I thought the Message from Christ was
hilarious, those stupid peckers. Just thought I'd tell you that so you'd at least have one
good e-mail out of thousands of
unintelligent, ignorant "threatening" letters.
-Briana
Dear Webmaster-
If you go ask one of those people who wrote you letters if god is a man or a woman,
most of them will cringe away from saying one or the other, because they don't know.
None of them have spoken to God lately, I imagine. If you wrote an update on
your site about God being a woman, some would probably say you were crazy, but I imagine
none would send hate mail to you like they did.
So why could it be that when you post an update about Jesus possibly having put on some
weight over the last 2000 years they all go crazy? When they don't answer about God's
gender, it is because they don't know. Unless they have sat down and talked to Jesus in
the last few days, how can they possibly say that he isn't a 300 pound fat-ass?
And even if he is a fat-ass, should it really change anything for such fanatically devoted
followers?
-Adam Clay
Dear Webmaster-
You kick ass. Your fat christ update cracked me up. Not just because, unfortunately,
I find fat people funny, but the idea of the Almighty Christ being upset over his weight
is a funny thing. And the anger and hatred and inability to forgive expressed by all of
those "christians" out there was even more amusing. HAH! I'll bet they don't
even see the hypocrisy in their messages!
These so called Christians are so funny. Spitting hate and more hate, everywhere
they turn. So concerned with their images and their weight. And no sense of humor! My god!
(oops! was that sacrilegious?) Now, both of us know that there are plenty of good
christians out there, who have
a sense of humor, and saw your update and laughed. Even if they didn't laugh, and couldn't
see the humor involved, I'm sure that a lot of them out there looked to Christ as their
guide, and forgave you of your transgression.
Sure, I'm a little underweight, and think I need bigger muscles. I'm concerned
with my looks, and what other people think of me. I'm not perfect. But I also know that
there is beauty in EVERYONE. I don't follow that philosophy as well as I should, but I do
believe that there is something beautiful in every single person. You can look at the
fattest (yup, the fat issue again....) ugliest, meanest, rank skank, and if you look hard
enough, you can see something good. Maybe it would be the way they smile when they're
alone with friends, or when they're not trying to impress people. Maybe even Tex has something in him that people can appreciate. I mean sure, he's
a total and utter dumbass. But maybe when he's sleeping he's not that bad.
-Kumar Corcoran
Hey Alex-
I consider myself a Christian. I have a strong faith in God and couldn't live my
life without Him.
I kind of understand what you were trying to get at in your article. I think maybe
the language and choice of words is what upset people, but I'm not here to give you flack
about it.
What I do know is that what people are saying to you, in my opinion, is just as bad as
what they are getting mad at you about. Understand?
In simplest terms, I'm sure Jesus just loves to know that people, who are defending His
name, are defending Him by telling others to "F@&k off", burn in hell, and
calling others every name in the book. That's not what Jesus is all about, ya know?
But then, I guess I'm in the wrong too. I'm sitting here judging others. I've just
never seen people defend the Lord with such hatred, anger and resentment and like I said
above, Jesus isn't about any of that. He's about love and forgiveness, and I feel
sorry that those people don't know that.
-Jennifer
Alex-
I think that your statements were pretty damn hilarious. I've noticed that
what's wrong with Christianity is that for a religion that says 'Love your neighbor as
yourself' and based upon the life of Jesus Christ who as I recall washed the feet of tax
collectors and prostitutes, the outcasts of society, the members of this religion tend to
be the most racist and prejudiced people. Now I live in TX, the heart of the South,
and I am annoyed with these Bible Thumping Baptist friends of mine that won't listen to
the musical RENT because the characters are struggling gay/lesbian adults in New York.
That musical is one of the most uplifting that I know of and if Jesus was here
right now, I think he would be out helping the society's outcasts, not hating them.
Just letting you know that I think you're right and these people just need to calm
their asses down. So that's it. Sorry if it's poorly written but I'm tired and
am off to bed. Keep up the good work at your site. I really enjoy it.
Goodnight.
-Mike Krejci
Dear Alex-
As you can see, this email isn't hate mail. Far from it. In the past
couple of days you've gotten quite a collection of vicious emails sending those all to
common feelings of hate and loathing. What has our world come to when a man (with no
obvious attempt to ridicule or otherwise offend) can't speak his mind? Didn't Christ
do pretty much the same thing? He said things that were controversial, and at the
time down right unheard of. It hurts me to see his disciples, his followers, those
who take upon themselves his name, tell another human being he is without a doubt he's
going to burn in hell. By dropping to this level we not only ignore everything he
taught us, but we let him know in a VERY personal way that everything he did,
didn't matter to us. Who are you people to tell Alex, Me, or that crazy guy on the
street who's pants never seem to stay up that we're going to hell? This is something
that Christ himself can only determine. Alex, if you could, bring this up to your
fair-weather readers. Hopefully, they'll see the error in their ways.
-Adam Knox
Alex-
I've just read your "Bitter Hatred" page: since so many people don't want
to receive your letter anymore, could I get two of them, instead of the usual single copy?
I'd like to add something: I'm atheist, I love Christ (yeah, I'm that strange), I'm
moderately fat.
A fat Christ suits me fine.
-Vito
If anyone else wants on the newsletter, just send an email to alex@juicycerebellum.com stating: "hey, some of my best friends are midgets!" I'll only send you one copy of each, promise.
Hey-
I was surprised when so many "Christians" wrote you in anger. This is a
weight obsessed country with many people that have eating disorders. I was shocked that
people could have their "faith" shaken to the point of anger over a hypothetical
situation you presented. It was ludicrous. I thought in the Christian belief god made man
in his image, so why would it be wrong to have a fat savior? It saddens me to think of a
world where people will only listen to the beautiful. Are these the people who made the
death of princess di so much more important then the death of Mother Teresa? Excuse
me, but doesn't a person come into this site to be free of candy coated bullshit? I guess
not.
-Leigh Anne
Dear Alex-
I thought your update over the chubby Jesus was very funny! Some people just
don't know how to take things lightly, as if you were aiming a personal insult right at
them. Who really knows--or cares--about the weight of a religious model? As a matter
of fact, I'd like to point out that in the god-like paintings that were created in a very
early time period, most gods were depicted as rather chubby nude people! Nobody ever goes
after the museums for putting up a chubby Holy Mary or a
portly Son of God, now do they?? If people are so vain to get all jumpy about actual
appearances of a religious figure instead of what they actually accomplished, I don't
think something's right there! Jesus is known through Christian view for saving souls, not
being one of the leanest, meanest healers around! How in the world can someone actually be
sure Jesus was skinny, anyway?? Some people need to simply stop taking things so
personal and focus on the inside humor of life!
-Damian
Dear Alex-
Can I address these motherfuckers? Please? Let me try...
Dear Motherfuckers:
Hey, assholes. I'm fat. Yes, that's right. I'm fat! Woohoo!
Five foot eight inches tall, two hundred and thirty-five pounds. Look at me!
I'm fat!
Hey, assholes. Why can't Jesus Christ be pudgy? Does that really fuck so badly
with your sense of what's acceptable in the world?
Jesus Christ can be anything he wants to be. I guess you think he's
fair-skinned, blue-eyed, and blonde-haired, right? And not Jewish. He speaks
English and was born in New Hampshire to a good Christian family that was married, right?
Right.
Hey, Beth. You said this:
"My hatred for you right now is more than is even expressible. I can tolerate a
joke about Christ but you are not joking when you have the nerve to tell me the SAVIOR is
a tub of fat."
What? He can't be a tub o' fat? Why not? Can't he be black, fat, and
sporting an afro that would make Buckwheat jealous? He's God's son. Whatever he
wants to look like, he can very well look like. Why do fat people upset you so much?
Are you a "good Christian?" You know, one of those people that
hates homosexuals and blacks and people that won't try to cram the Bible down the throat
of everyone they meet? Is your faith so weak that you have to make it SEEM strong by
getting slightly pissed off when someone suggests that Jesus doesn't look like Pastor Bob
says he does?
Hey, Cindy, who said:
"Crist would never be fat because he isn't that lazy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Good spelling, Cindy. I'm fat, by the way, and not at all lazy. Not all fat
people are lazy. Are all of you totally ignorant fucks? Look, when you're
going to insult someone, you need to first get to know a little bit about who you're
insulting. Not all fat people are lazy. Plenty are; plenty of skinny people
are even lazier. Plenty of ignorant people yell at people like Alex when something
penetrates their tiny heads and fails to sink in. He shook your tiny world. He
made you try to accept fat people.
Oh, no.
As for the girl that said Alex "insulted Christianity:" WHAT THE HELL? My
dear God, I had no idea that fat people were THIS repulsive. So this is it, huh?
Only skinny people can be holy? Well, shit. Looks like my plans to
become a saint are shot to hell, huh?
Maybe Christ is pudgy. Wouldn't it be funny if he came down on Judgment Day and
looked at all of you, shook his pudgy head sadly, wagged a fat finger at you, and said
"you weren't understanding. You didn't follow my messages. You will burn
in Hell for all of Eternity."
Let me guess what Hell would be for you.
You'd be fat, and fucking another fat person.
-Nick Dunn
Alex-
I read your Fat Christ piece and thought it was hysterical. Since I haven't seen a
photograph of christ, I wouldn't know whether he had a weight problem or not. But
Buddha was fat, and so was Dionysus, and there is significant evidence that the Christ
story originated in the East, so what's the problem? Uh...it is just a story, isn't it?
He's not gonna come after me for laughing at your piece, right? Either way, I am truly
shocked at the answers you received. I can see a bunch of religiosos whining because
you took a stab at the dogma they swallowed at age four or five or so and never managed to
burp up, but that they were actually offended by your insinuations that Jesus was a
tubba-wubba really blows my mind.
-Adam Engel
Dear Webmaster-
I've been reading your updates and they are so hilarious! You could be another Kurt
Vonnegut. The Jesus Christ update was funny and a great commentary to go along with that
picture of him on Newsweek. So here are a few points that all those hatemail writers
should look at before opening
their self-righteous little mouths again.
1. Christ was a human being, a homo sapien, and he had to face human problems just like we do. He got hungry, tired, tempted. He is my savior just as much as he is yours but didn't he say that he came to be a servant to mankind? How about you brush up on your knowledge of Him before you run around flinging insults that have no roots in actual fact and have no logical reasoning behind them?
2. Some people are fat-so? All humans were created in God's own divine image (if you don't believe me look in the Bible) so who's to say that Jesus wasn't fat? Would it be just as horrible to say that Jesus could have been black or a Native American or Chinese or Lebanese? Jesus was Jewish and from Nazareth so he probably wasn't as white as he is usually depicted...is it bad for him to not look exactly like that fairy tale picture Bible image? And how about you go complain about how horrible being fat is to Emme (a plus-size model)? She could buy and sell your skinny ass 12 times over so KISS IT!
3. Is the thing that you're hating (a hilarious update, a wonderful webpage
- The Juicy Cerebellum, and a creative and great guy in this case) as bad as the fact that
you're hating? Why waste your time with hate? Isn't that against some things
that your very own Jesus said? Hmm, let me think a minute
here..........
-Alena
That's all she wrote. I decided to end the update with my cousin's letter, because she's my cousin, and that's her letter. If I didn't end it with her letter, she may disown me as a cousin, and I'd have to reveal her secret name of "Bean." That might piss her off.
So, what did we learn here? That a lot of
people don't like people who don't like fat people. And, while we were at it, we
found that at least three visitors to The Juicy Cerebellum are named Adam.
Eerie, huh?
-Alex
P.S. - Did I mention that I have Juicy Cerebellum shirts for sale? I'd recommend buying one, even if you're not going to wear it, before it's too late. That would suck to never own 1 of 300 ever made, wouldn't it?
©1999 Alex Sandell. Don't copy this. Really, Jesus says so. So does Zeus, and he's naked.
Email Alex at alex@juicycerebellum.com.