Inside Scoop on "Jesus X"
Written by: Alex Sandell
Hey folks, Harry . . . er . . . Alex here, with a scoop that even Entertainment Tonight couldn't beat me to! Take your "ET Exclusives" and shove them up your million-dollar insured rectum, Mary Hart! A prequel to the ultra-successful X-Men movie is now in the works, and it is being scripted and directed by yours truly. The story introduces us to the first mutant in history, Jesus Christ! Did you think he was blessed with those super powers by chance? Do you honestly think God would play favorites, and give Jesus a few bonus powers, simply because he was his son? It was evolution, people, and Christ was evolved to a point that most of society still hasn't achieved (although Al Gore is currently claiming that he invented miracle healings). This has caused a lot of the current X-Men to nearly worship this long-haired, and reportedly, well-endowed man, possibly even more than they do the bald-headed Professor Xavier (with all that evolutionary superiority, you would think the guy could grow some fucking hair). To this day, Wolverine can be heard mumbling the words "Jesus Christ" when something goes wrong during a battle with the evil mutants who refuse to understand that crime does not pay. So, when approached by a gas-station attendant who claimed that he moonlighted as the CEO of 20th Century Fox, about doing a sequel to the X-Men, I was simultaneously honored and insulted. "Thanks for the offer," I said, "but do we really need a SEQUEL, when a PREQUEL would show where this mutant crap all began?" The gas-station attendant/20th Century Fox CEO looked confused for a moment, until I drew attention to the crucifix on my neck. "You mean you want to do a movie about a necklace?" He asked, obviously still not getting the point. "No, I want to do a film about Jesus, the original X-Man." He stopped, stared at the wall a while, and said that I had a pretty good idea. "Thanks. I'll get on it right away," I replied, right before asking him if he gave me the correct change. That, and a talk with his manager about how I received change for a 10 when I gave him a 20, was all it took, and now it's history. The Jesus X script is half written, and the first promotional poster is directly below. Following that are some quotes from a few of the people that were fortunate enough to get their hands on the rough draft of Jesus X. Enjoy!
"Jesus X, from
what I've read, is the most hilarious thing you've ever written!"
"Matt must have been drunk
when he read it, this script sucks!"
-My Other Brother
"Why do you keep embarrassing
"You should stop embarrassing
"Is this a real movie?"
-The girl at B Dalton
And that is all for now. Make sure to keep checking this page for the interview I did with Mary Hart, the ultimate Jesus X contest, and maybe a quote from Christ himself!
Send ALL inquiries, questions and/or comments regarding Jesus X to firstname.lastname@example.org
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©2000 Alex Sandell [All Rights Reserved]. Copy this, without my permission, and I'll have Jesus zap you with his amazing "contribution box" super-power! He can suck you dry faster than you can say, "Christian!"