Day two in my journals of the girl who came all the way from Finland to spend New Year's Eve with me
Written by: Alex Sandell

Unless you're a total moron, you get the gist of this thing, and day two doesn't need any introduction. I'd like to point out that I had a hangnail last night, and just got sick of it getting snagged on my blanket, so I took my teeth and ripped it off . . . along with the entire upper-half of my thumbnail. So, every word typed out on this page was typed through excruciating (well, kinda an annoying amount, at least) of pain.

December 28th, 1997. Day number two.
2:57 AM: I can't sleep, so decide to wake the girl who came all the way from Finland to spend New Year's Eve with me up. I go in the kitchen, pretending to be looking for something in the freezer, and bang around a whole bunch, and cough a lot. She doesn't budge. These Finnish people must have super low metabolism, or something. Then again, maybe it was the day-long flight. I put my arm down on the I-don't-drink-coffee-table, and accidentally elbow the remote, turning on the television. I then accidentally pick the remote up, and turn the TV really, really loud. Oops.

3:17 AM: After coughing, yelling, performing Indian rain-dances, singing songs, putting on CDs, watching an ad for a psychic-hotline, calling the psychic hotline, and farting, I give up, and go to bed.

3:58 AM: I can't sleep.

5:07 AM: I still can't sleep.

6:03 AM: Begin wishing I was a dog, JUST SO I COULD FALL-A-FUCKING-SLEEP!

6:27 AM (approximately): Fall asleep.

8:04 AM: The Finland girl wakes me up by taking a shower. Revenge is all hers. Not to mention, she's naked. Mmm . . . naaaaaaaaaaked.

9:37 AM: I finally pull myself out of bed, and make a frozen pizza for breakfast. Tanja thinks Americans eat a "weird" diet. I don't tell her that it's just me.

10:08 AM: We drive off to the Mall of America. The world's biggest . . . uh . . . mall. Hey, it has a roller-coaster in there. Plus a Planet Hollywood, Rainforest Cafe, Underwater World, which is going bankrupt, and ten-million stores with a billion items that I don't want to buy.

10:43 AM: We arrive at the mall. Tanja from Finland is impressed. "We don't have malls like this in Finland," she says. I'm jealous.

11:52 AM: We find a parking spot.

Noon: We get inside the mall, and walk around.

12:33 PM: We ride on a couple rides. I get all scared, and embarrass myself. Tanja buys a picture of us going down the hill of the "Paul Bunyon" ride. My mouth is open mid-scream, so amazingly wide, I'm surprised I don't have the person sitting in front of me's entire head down my throat.

1:07 PM: We go to eat lunch at "Planet Hollywood." I hate this fucking restaurant. This restaurant is the devil. Sylvester Stallone, Bruce Willis and Arnold Schwarzenegger can all suck my cock.

1:37 PM: We've looked at every little artifact in the place. I basically get stuck staring at the little droid thing from "Star Wars." I stare at it until these girls eating beside me say, "I wonder if he knows this is a restaurant. Hey, Betty, are we at a museum here?" I give them my best dirty look look, and leave my poor little droid behind, at the hands of these teeny-bop fucks.

1:43 PM: Our gay waiter finally comes, and asks if we're ready to order. Uh . . . take a guess.

1:52 PM: The gay waiter finishes explaining to Tanja what "medium-well" means. He does it in that special "gay" way. It's actually pretty entertaining. I wish I was gay.

1:55 PM: We discuss how gay our waiter is, and then talk about how a person isn't homophobic, just because they discuss homo waiters.

3:35 PM: Our food finally comes. Damn, I hate "Planet Hollywood."

4:02 PM: We leave to go to the movie "Titanic." I've seen it already, but Tanja hasn't had a chance, since foreign countries get movies like 17 years late, or something. Its 4 PM showing is sold-out. So is its 5:30 PM and 7:00 PM. How can this be possible when it's playing on two screens? We decide to go to James Bond. We get stuck sitting in the front row. We don't like that. The not-gay-movie-manager-guy gives us a refund. I'm sure he would have done this, even if he was gay, he would have just done it in a more entertaining manner.

5:07 PM: We arrive at another theater playing "Titanic," and see that the 5:00 PM show is sold-out. We decide to wait around until 6:30 PM, to catch the next one. We meet more foreign people. I try to decide from their accents whether they're French or German. They turn out to be African. Tanja laughs.

6:30 PM: We start watching "Titanic."

10:00 PM: It gets over.

10:30 PM: We get back to my apartment. I make another frozen pizza, and Tanja goes to bed. Tonight I choose masturbation, over taking a dump.

10:35 PM: I fall asleep without a problem.

Go to day number three

1998 Alex Sandell [all rights reserved]. If you copy this, I'm gonna sick a gay waiter on you.

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