*Note: READ this update, don't just LOOK at it. ThanXXX.*
Juicy gets Juicy V:
More pointless nudity, a message from Jesus and a couple of squirt guns filled up with milk
Written by: Alex Sandell
When I asked for topless pictures in support of The Juicy Cerebellum in the Totally Juicy Manifesto 2000 update, I figured a few women would shed their tops to show their love of their favorite page, but I never thought, not even in my wildest dreams, that Jesus Christ would participate. That's right; the ol' Son of God himself has decided to lend an All-Powerful hand to these pages by asking one of his disciples to show her devotion to Him by taking it off for Me. A few days ago, I received a mysterious email from a 26-year-old female saying that she found my page "through the Lord." She wrote: "Like the majority of good, Christian people out there, I had never even heard of The Juicy Cerebellum, until the day when I woke up with it right next to my heart." The email wasn't signed, and left me feeling bewildered. I sent the woman a short, but profound, response, it read: "what in the hell are you talking about?" A few days later she responded by telling me that "hell" had nothing to do with it, was a "bad" word, and that I shouldn't use it in "normal" conversation. At that, my screen went black and became covered in text that read, "Jesus is Juicy. Jesus is Juicy. Jesus is Juicy." over and over again for what seemed like eternity. I immediately sent my IBM-compatible computer in for repairs. After getting my computer back from the shop (I was told the incident occurred due to Microsoft Windows' incompatibility with Mac-Related religious fanatics), I emailed the lady back, once again, and asked her what this all meant. It was then that, through a few photographs, she sent me direct evidence that Christ himself had "touched" her. After first viewing the pictures, I was skeptical, "you could have just written that yourself, with a marker," I said. "But it's in your handwriting," she returned. I looked closer. She was right. How would this woman, who I had never met before, know how I print? This was getting too eerie. Still, being the doubting Thomas I am, I denied the proof that she lay before me. "You could have similar handwriting to mine," I wrote to the woman. "Then explain the floating 'Copyright 2000 www.juicycerebellum.com' notice that is in front of me in each picture," she said. There was no doubting it, there WAS a floating Copyright notice that did indeed seem to be advertising my page. "What if maybe you just saw my page, and aren't telling me, and used Adobe to add the text to the picture?" I replied. "I don't have a computer," she returned, "I'm using Web TV." That was all I needed to fully believe. Jesus Christ did indeed stencil the words "JESUS LOVES THE JUICY CEREBELLUM," using my lousy printing style upon her chest, and directed her to this page. Since I'm not one to doubt a miracle, at least when it involves a topless lady, here are the pictures I was sent:
This is the bra Magdalene woke up in. "As a good Christian, of course I wouldn't usually be wearing such an exotic bra, but my Born Again husband was out of town for the night, so I knew no one other than myself was going to see me in it, and, like most of us, I am a sucker for role-playing in front of the mirror. Before bed I was pretending to be Nancy Reagan at the President's Ball." After falling asleep with dreams of Reagan and balls in her head, Magdalene awoke to a big surprise. "I couldn't believe it when I woke up from my night as Nancy to a chest and breasts reading 'JESUS LOVES THE JUICY CEREBELLUM.'" Magdalene took a long pause before commenting on how she first thought that it must have been "a message from a sarcastic Satan." She looks back on it now with a chuckle, apologetically saying, "boy, did I ever get that backward."
Magdalene claims that she also awakened with milk dripping from her nipples "I've never had a kid, even though I consider using any form of birth-control to be a mortal sin" a deadpan Magdalene told me, "and I despise strippers, so I was rather shocked to see my hooters had turned into a small subsidiary of 'Land O' Lakes.'" Being that her exotic "Reagan"-bra was soaking wet, she had to take it off and pose topless for a Polaroid Instant PopShots Camera which was floating miraculously beside her bed stand. Also beside her bed, Magdalene found two squirt bottles, one filled with milk, the other with "some black stuff that looked sort of like a melted Bill Cosby." It was then that Jesus finally talked to her. "The milk represents good, and you must use it to fight off anything that is bad," Christ said. When asked what the black represents, Christ simply shrugged his shoulders and said, "I dunno. Probably Leonard Part 6."
A few minutes later, Christ's dad, God, asked Magdalene to climb a big mountain and sacrifice her favorite recliner to him. "I couldn't believe it," she said, "why would he demand such a thing?" It turned out it was just a big test of faith, and God asked her to slaughter a lamb for him, instead. Unfortunately, there were no lambs around, so Magdalene offered to sacrifice her own self by letting the floating "Copyright" notice slit her throat. When God saw how noble she was, he . . .
. . . Asked her to simply visit www.juicycerebellum.com, his son Jesus's favorite site, at least twenty-four times a day, and recommend it to all of her friends. He also said she would burn in Hell if she didn't get at least 2 other women to pose for the next couple of Juicy gets Juicy updates. "Then," Magdalene says, "he wanted me to press my breasts together, point them up to the Heavens, and pretend I was praying. When I did this, I saw a flash that I thought came from a camera. God said that it was just lightning, and Judas had nothing to do with it."
And so it is written.
ARE YOU FEMALE? Are you creative? Adventurous? Are you over 21 years old and unashamed of your body? Well then, get out a marker, and ready the camera! If you love life JUICY, don't just say it, bare it! Send in your photos!
©2000 Alex Sandell [All Rights Reserved]. No parts of this page may be reproduced without express permission given by the author. No one may reproduce with the lady above without express permission from her vagina.
Go see the first girl who made Juicy get Juicy!
Go see the second girl who made Juicy get Juicy!
Go see the third girl who made Juicy get Juicy!
Go see the fourth girl who made Juicy get Juicy!