Deconstructing Harry Part 6: A Review in Seven Parts

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Author's note: The "thoughts-per-page" posted are the exact thoughts I had while reading that very page. They have not nor will not be edited in retrospect or changed in hindsight. Here are my thoughts on pages 521-640 of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows:

Page 521 - "He could give my mother lessons ..." Once again, Ron gets all the best lines.

Page 525 - Back to Diagon Alley! Woo-hoo -- we're home again!

Page 540 - Goblins, dragons, burning flesh and suffocating treasure. They're in deep, this time.

Page 541 - Unless Harry goes nuts (as Harry's prone to do) screams, "Relashio" and sets the dragon free Hermione, Ron and Harry will never escape Gringotts.

Page 543 - This dragon escape scene is awesome. So awesome I printed the word "Awesome" in my book as a note to remind Juicy readers how awesome the scene truly is in its pure awesomeness. The Deathly Hallows, more than any other Potter book, has needed an action scene like this. It's been long overdue (unless you really get off on repetitive exposition and Ron and Harry bickering).

Page 548 - "All three of them started to laugh, and once started, it was difficult to stop." Unfortunately, not that difficult. More and more I'm missing the humor of the earlier Potter books. Books 6 and 7 have been sort of a drag. Unless things pick up quickly, the last worthwhile Potter novel will be The Order of the Phoenix.

Page 549 - Voldemort isn't so much a threat as he is a gigantic baby. A little pussy throwing temper-tantrums. Only, his tantrums lead to the mass slaughter of his followers. Poor followers following a little pussy.

Page 551 - Big baby Voldemort finds it "prudent" to alert Snape that Potter may try to reenter Hogwarts. COME ON! How stupid are you Voldemort? At this point you have to be the only living being too dumb to figure out that Snape is a good guy, has always been a good guy and is working for Dumbledore. Well, you and Harry Potter. Maybe the two of you are tied together not by your souls or your scars or your killing curses -- maybe you're tied together by your sheer idiocy. Idiots.

Page 552 - After some convenient reading of Voldemort's mind Harry rubs it in to Hermione and Ron by revealing the last Horcrux is at Hogwarts and he "knew it." At this point the only happy ending this book could have is if the exceedingly slow Ron, Harry, Hermione and Voldemort agree to a mass suicide as a way to raise the average IQ of muggles, wizards, retards and witches around the world.

Page 553 - "Get under the Cloak, Hermione," says Harry, "I want to stick together this time." Whatever works, I guess. At least he didn't drop a roofie in her butterbeer.

Page 556 - More Dementors surround Harry & Co. Is it just me or is book 7 in the Potter series nothing more than a trio of whiny bitches walking aimlessly around only to be attacked every 50 or 60 pages by Dementors or Death Eaters?

Page 558 - Aberforth Dumbledore saves the gang by pulling them into Hog's Head Inn and making up the fakiest most unbelievable lie ever. One Death Eater says he saw a stag Patronus (which he did). Aberforth says it was a goat and calls the Death Eater an "idiot." The Death Eater apologizes and all is well. Boy, these Death Eaters are about as threatening as the common cold. Maybe everyone in the Potter Universe is mentally disabled.

Page 562 - Aberforth tries to convince Harry that Dumbledore is the master of secrets and lies and tries to convince Harry to escape before he becomes another causality in the long list of folks who have died for the wizard. Harry will have none of it, being that he's dumb. And heroic. A poor combination.

Page 564 - Aberforth explains what happened to his sister. It's a long story, but actually fairly interesting. If you want to hear it you can buy the book. Oh, and he says the word "bastard."

Page 570 - A beat up Neville Longbottom appears. "I knew you'd come! I knew it Harry!" No pressure for Potter there at all. Nope, none whatsoever.

Page 573 - Neville reveals that the Carrows (Death Eaters) at Hogwarts like doling out punishment in the form of torture. So much so that they make Umbridge "look tame." They must be really, really nasty. Umbridge is Satan in a pink dress.

Page 573 - The "Defense Against the Dark Arts" has been changed to "The Dark Arts." This isn't your parents' Hogwarts.

Page 577 - Dumbledore's Army is still alive and well and practicing in the Room of Requirement.

Page 578 - The Room of Requirement "sprouted up" a bathroom once girls started joining. I guess the guys just took dumps on the floor. And farted out of their guy butts. Like guys are prone to do, with their manly buttholes that fart.

Page 582 - Cho Chang has her moment. Sadly, it lasts no more than a sentence or two. I guess Cho Chang didn't matter to J.K. anymore than she mattered to Harry.

Page 589 - Luna Lovegood is a goddess. If I could date a fictional character, it would be her. She's so spacey yet, at the same time, she's a genius. I love you Luna and I don't care who knows it! Even Ginny -- that boring git!

Page 591 - Professor Minerva McGonagall finally shows up. Nobody cares. Except for big nerds with Professor McGonagall posters on their walls.

Page 597 - Snape walks in. J.K. pretends he's a big bad. No one's thought that since the middle of the first book in the series.

Page 601 - "What, then, was the Horcrux?" How about Harry himself? Isn't this obvious? Now, if I'm wrong, this will be embarrassing.

Page 605 - Yay Percy Weasley! Way to come around to your senses and everything. Senses are good.

Page 607 - If Hermione or Ron die I'll donate $100 to J.K.'s charity of choice. If both die, I'll donate $1,000.00. Lucky for me neither will die and I'll donate nothing. Is this even supposed to be entertaining anymore, or just a series of false leads? I feel like I'm reading the book based on Friday the 13th Part 4: The Final Chapter. No true sense of finality. If J.K. meant business, either Hermione, Ron or Harry would have died by now.

Page 613 - Nearly Headless Nick. Whatever happened to him in the movies? Speaking of which; whatever happened to Moaning Myrtle in the books?

Page 625 - Hermione kissing Ron in the heat of battle is so Pirates of the Caribbean 2. Want a real life tip? One that will help you, y'know, stay alive when living a life that is real? Don't start making out when you're seconds from death. Those seconds matter. Really.

Page 636 - Percy's resignation pretty much totally rules. He's a Weasley, through and through!

Page 637 - Fred Weasley is dead. This one comes as quite a blow. No tears to be shed, but I will miss Fred. I will shed a tear for Ron, Hermione and/or Harry if they die in this war. J.K.'s claims that this may not be the last Harry Potter book have me terrified. As far as I'm concerned, Ron, Hermione and/or Harry dies or J.K. kills the series.

So the book's been a bit of a disappointment thus far, but with some excellent action scenes and a few fun moments that keep me reading. Will it redeem itself? What will be Harry's fate and what will be the fate of the series? Only one update left in this 7 part series. Will this all be worth it or will The Deathly Hallows be nothing more than a waste of time for millions wasting billions of dollars?
--Alex Sandell

Deconstructing Harry Part 3: A Review in Seven Parts

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Author's note: The "thoughts-per-page" posted are the exact thoughts I had while reading that very page. They have not nor will not be edited in retrospect or changed in hindsight. I will hold off on giving my opinion of the book until I've finished reading it. Here are my thoughts on pages 201-300 of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows:

Page 202 - Ron playing with his Deluminator as Hermione tries to study her book is some pretty funny stuff.

Page 206 - Scrimgeour noble? Who woulda thought?

Page 207 - Death Eaters have the "full might" of the Ministry on their side now and have taken over the press. They're performing abusive, illegal spells with no fear of negative repercussions. Sort of like Scooter Libby.

Page 208 - Harry's being villainized in the press, placing fear into the empty pockets of society where hope should reside.

Page 209 - A "Muggle-born Registration Commission" has been created. Ridiculous claims are being made by the Ministry stating that if you're born with magic but do not have magic in your family you "stole" it, which is cause for arrest (or worse). Keep the people down and they won't dare stand up as Voldemort destroys the world they once knew and loved.

Page 222 - Anyone surprised that Dolores Umbridge is back in the picture? Anyone thrilled? This woman made for one nasty bitch in book 5 and is probably my favorite villain in the series.

Page 225 - Severus Snape is appointed as new Headmaster of Hogwarts. I'm still not convinced he's a bad guy. Part of me thinks he's been put there to try and keep things slightly under control as the universe unravels around him.

Page 242 - That statue in the Atrium is nasty. A witch and a wizard sitting atop "Hundreds and hundreds of naked bodies, men women and children, all with rather stupid, ugly faces, twisted and pressed together ..." The statue reads, "MAGIC IS MIGHT." I predicted correctly: This one's the darkest Harry Potter book yet.

Page 245 - Dolores Umbridge makes her grand entrance. I feel all tingly.

Page 249 - Dolores using Mad-Eye Moody's eye to spy on her employees? Okay, so maybe Mad-Eye did die a heroic death after-all. Can't say I'm sure either way. Still leaning toward his being a traitor, but at this point it's getting pretty 50/50.

Page 251 - Harry discovers that Umbridge has a new title: Head of the Muggle-Born Registration Commission. She's keeping tabs on everyone, just like the Department of Homeland Security. Arthur Weasley's file lists him as a "Pureblood" but goes on to state that he has, "unacceptable pro-Muggle leanings." His movements are being monitored.

Page 252 - Harry finds out that he's considered "Undesirable Number One." I think it's supposed to be a revelation, but didn't we already know this in the first book?

Page 257 - The courtrooms where Muggles and half-bloods are tried are being guarded by Dementors. Or, as J.K. Rowling puts it, Dementors. Because you're not truly demented until your dementia warrants italics.

Page 258 - Harry sees someone carried off to suffer his fate for being born with magical abilities but with no wizardry in his family. He claims his father was a wizard and he is a half-blood. Umbridge says, in that condescending, fingers-on-chalkboard way she says things, that this is his last warning and if he doesn't go quietly he will be "subjected to the Dementor's kiss." It's a pretty oppressive scene.

Page 260 - "Umbridge laughed a soft girlish laugh that made Harry want to attack her." Man, do I hope Umbridge gets hers. I'd rather see Umbridge slaughtered in the end than I would Voldemort.

Page 262 - Harry unexpectedly throws caution to the wind and begins kicking ass and taking names. Most exciting section of the book thus far.

Page 263 - Harry to one of those on trial: "Get out, get out of the country ... disguise yourselves and run. You've seen how it is, you won't get anything like a fair hearing here." Alright, I'm convinced, J.K. is writing her politics into her children's novels. Good for her.

Page 268 - In a way I wish it were the Forbidden Forest. The longer the book goes on, the more nostalgic I'm getting for old locations and characters.

Page 269 - Ron gets "splinched" as the gang Disapparated (sort of like a "Transporter accident" on Star Trek). He's alive, but he's seriously messed up. Good luck getting this scene in a PG-13 movie.

Page 270 - Now that Yaxley's discovered their hideout at Grimmauld Place, the last familiar location from the previous 6 books has just been yanked away from our heroes and from us, as readers (although I'm guessing a few surprises are in store).

Page 273 - "Erecto" - Hermione. You figure out what spell she was casting and why.

Page 275 - Nearly 300 pages in and the trio's found exactly one Horcrux.

Page 283 - This thief intrigues me. "A Fred and George-ish air of triumphant trickery about him." He couldn't be a Weasley, could he?

Page 286 - "[M]aybe we ought not to wear it." Ya think?

Page 289 - Harry believes Voldemort may have hidden a Horcrux at Hogwarts! Pack up the books, gang -- looks like we're going back to school one last time!

Page 290 - "Forget Hogwarts" - Harry, defeated. Put the books back on the shelves, kids -- looks like school's out, forever.

Page 290 - "[G]ame of "pass-the-parcel." Must be a British thing.

Page 292 - "[Harry] tried to think of further Horcrux locations, but the only one that continued to occur to him was Hogwarts." Oh, J.K. -- why must you toy with our emotions this way?

Page 293 - Hermione goes all feminist on Ron. Take that Ron, you sexist pig!

Page 299 - Hurray for the alternative press! The Quibbler is printing "all the stuff" the mainstream Prophet's ignoring. That reminds me, I need to renew my subscription to The Nation.

Page 300 - Someone says "hell" in a children's book. The swearword version of the word. Anyone have a match? The Christian Right may be running out by this point.
--Alex Sandell