Deconstructing Harry Part 6: A Review in Seven Parts

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Author's note: The "thoughts-per-page" posted are the exact thoughts I had while reading that very page. They have not nor will not be edited in retrospect or changed in hindsight. Here are my thoughts on pages 521-640 of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows:

Page 521 - "He could give my mother lessons ..." Once again, Ron gets all the best lines.

Page 525 - Back to Diagon Alley! Woo-hoo -- we're home again!

Page 540 - Goblins, dragons, burning flesh and suffocating treasure. They're in deep, this time.

Page 541 - Unless Harry goes nuts (as Harry's prone to do) screams, "Relashio" and sets the dragon free Hermione, Ron and Harry will never escape Gringotts.

Page 543 - This dragon escape scene is awesome. So awesome I printed the word "Awesome" in my book as a note to remind Juicy readers how awesome the scene truly is in its pure awesomeness. The Deathly Hallows, more than any other Potter book, has needed an action scene like this. It's been long overdue (unless you really get off on repetitive exposition and Ron and Harry bickering).

Page 548 - "All three of them started to laugh, and once started, it was difficult to stop." Unfortunately, not that difficult. More and more I'm missing the humor of the earlier Potter books. Books 6 and 7 have been sort of a drag. Unless things pick up quickly, the last worthwhile Potter novel will be The Order of the Phoenix.

Page 549 - Voldemort isn't so much a threat as he is a gigantic baby. A little pussy throwing temper-tantrums. Only, his tantrums lead to the mass slaughter of his followers. Poor followers following a little pussy.

Page 551 - Big baby Voldemort finds it "prudent" to alert Snape that Potter may try to reenter Hogwarts. COME ON! How stupid are you Voldemort? At this point you have to be the only living being too dumb to figure out that Snape is a good guy, has always been a good guy and is working for Dumbledore. Well, you and Harry Potter. Maybe the two of you are tied together not by your souls or your scars or your killing curses -- maybe you're tied together by your sheer idiocy. Idiots.

Page 552 - After some convenient reading of Voldemort's mind Harry rubs it in to Hermione and Ron by revealing the last Horcrux is at Hogwarts and he "knew it." At this point the only happy ending this book could have is if the exceedingly slow Ron, Harry, Hermione and Voldemort agree to a mass suicide as a way to raise the average IQ of muggles, wizards, retards and witches around the world.

Page 553 - "Get under the Cloak, Hermione," says Harry, "I want to stick together this time." Whatever works, I guess. At least he didn't drop a roofie in her butterbeer.

Page 556 - More Dementors surround Harry & Co. Is it just me or is book 7 in the Potter series nothing more than a trio of whiny bitches walking aimlessly around only to be attacked every 50 or 60 pages by Dementors or Death Eaters?

Page 558 - Aberforth Dumbledore saves the gang by pulling them into Hog's Head Inn and making up the fakiest most unbelievable lie ever. One Death Eater says he saw a stag Patronus (which he did). Aberforth says it was a goat and calls the Death Eater an "idiot." The Death Eater apologizes and all is well. Boy, these Death Eaters are about as threatening as the common cold. Maybe everyone in the Potter Universe is mentally disabled.

Page 562 - Aberforth tries to convince Harry that Dumbledore is the master of secrets and lies and tries to convince Harry to escape before he becomes another causality in the long list of folks who have died for the wizard. Harry will have none of it, being that he's dumb. And heroic. A poor combination.

Page 564 - Aberforth explains what happened to his sister. It's a long story, but actually fairly interesting. If you want to hear it you can buy the book. Oh, and he says the word "bastard."

Page 570 - A beat up Neville Longbottom appears. "I knew you'd come! I knew it Harry!" No pressure for Potter there at all. Nope, none whatsoever.

Page 573 - Neville reveals that the Carrows (Death Eaters) at Hogwarts like doling out punishment in the form of torture. So much so that they make Umbridge "look tame." They must be really, really nasty. Umbridge is Satan in a pink dress.

Page 573 - The "Defense Against the Dark Arts" has been changed to "The Dark Arts." This isn't your parents' Hogwarts.

Page 577 - Dumbledore's Army is still alive and well and practicing in the Room of Requirement.

Page 578 - The Room of Requirement "sprouted up" a bathroom once girls started joining. I guess the guys just took dumps on the floor. And farted out of their guy butts. Like guys are prone to do, with their manly buttholes that fart.

Page 582 - Cho Chang has her moment. Sadly, it lasts no more than a sentence or two. I guess Cho Chang didn't matter to J.K. anymore than she mattered to Harry.

Page 589 - Luna Lovegood is a goddess. If I could date a fictional character, it would be her. She's so spacey yet, at the same time, she's a genius. I love you Luna and I don't care who knows it! Even Ginny -- that boring git!

Page 591 - Professor Minerva McGonagall finally shows up. Nobody cares. Except for big nerds with Professor McGonagall posters on their walls.

Page 597 - Snape walks in. J.K. pretends he's a big bad. No one's thought that since the middle of the first book in the series.

Page 601 - "What, then, was the Horcrux?" How about Harry himself? Isn't this obvious? Now, if I'm wrong, this will be embarrassing.

Page 605 - Yay Percy Weasley! Way to come around to your senses and everything. Senses are good.

Page 607 - If Hermione or Ron die I'll donate $100 to J.K.'s charity of choice. If both die, I'll donate $1,000.00. Lucky for me neither will die and I'll donate nothing. Is this even supposed to be entertaining anymore, or just a series of false leads? I feel like I'm reading the book based on Friday the 13th Part 4: The Final Chapter. No true sense of finality. If J.K. meant business, either Hermione, Ron or Harry would have died by now.

Page 613 - Nearly Headless Nick. Whatever happened to him in the movies? Speaking of which; whatever happened to Moaning Myrtle in the books?

Page 625 - Hermione kissing Ron in the heat of battle is so Pirates of the Caribbean 2. Want a real life tip? One that will help you, y'know, stay alive when living a life that is real? Don't start making out when you're seconds from death. Those seconds matter. Really.

Page 636 - Percy's resignation pretty much totally rules. He's a Weasley, through and through!

Page 637 - Fred Weasley is dead. This one comes as quite a blow. No tears to be shed, but I will miss Fred. I will shed a tear for Ron, Hermione and/or Harry if they die in this war. J.K.'s claims that this may not be the last Harry Potter book have me terrified. As far as I'm concerned, Ron, Hermione and/or Harry dies or J.K. kills the series.

So the book's been a bit of a disappointment thus far, but with some excellent action scenes and a few fun moments that keep me reading. Will it redeem itself? What will be Harry's fate and what will be the fate of the series? Only one update left in this 7 part series. Will this all be worth it or will The Deathly Hallows be nothing more than a waste of time for millions wasting billions of dollars?
--Alex Sandell

Deconstructing Harry Part 2: A Review in Seven Parts

Click to read Part 1, if you haven't already

Author's note: I haven't read ahead in the book. The "thoughts-per-page" posted are the exact thoughts I had while reading that very page. They have not been edited in retrospect or changed in hindsight. Many thoughts will be wrong. Many will be right. I will hold off on giving my opinion of the book until I'm finished reading it. Here are my thoughts on pages 101-200 of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows:

Page 104 - Hermione reveals that a Horcrux is the opposite of a human-being. If you run a human through with a sword, their soul will survive, untouched. If you destroy a Horcrux the very soul contained within will perish.

Page 105 - Harry's doubting his relationship with Dumbledore again. Who was this hippy-dippy wizard, anyway?

Page 114 - "It's traditional to give a wizard a watch when he comes of age." I guess it beats a sweater. Of course Harry's watch is used, because Harry is repressed and everything. The Wizarding community sure doesn't come through much for their savior.

Page 116 - Ginny gives Harry a superior present. She sneaks him off into a room and begins "kissing him as she had never kissed him before." Harry considers it "blissful oblivion" and enjoys it so much that even "firewhisky" cannot compare. Tweens have just been given masturbation fantasies that will last them throughout adolescence -- or at least until they find their dad's stash of Playboy Magazines.

Page 120 - Hagrid gives Harry a birthday gift that will come in handier than the hard-on Ginny delivered. It's a "Mokeskin." You can hide anything inside it and only the owner can get it back out.

Page 125 - Rufus Scrimgeour -- a sort of George W. Bush doppelganger -- crashes Harry's party to give Harry, Ron and Hermione what was left for them by Dumbledore in his will. Ron gets a Deluminator (it's a lighter shaped object that can turn lights in rooms on and off at will), Hermione receives a copy of The Tales of Beedle the Bard (a collection of children's stories) and a disappointed Harry is willed the snitch he caught in his first Quidditch match.

Page 128 - Harry discovers Dumbledore also left him "The sword of Godric Gryffindor." But Scrimgeour isn't willing to give up the sword, claiming it wasn't Dumbledore's to grant in the first place. Harry all freaks out (as Harry's prone to do), thinking the sword was mean to be bestowed upon him to kill Voldemort.

Page 134 - There's more to the Snitch than Harry had suspected. In Dumbledore's handwriting appears the words, "I open at the close." The close of Harry's life? The close of Macy's Day 24 Hour Sale? Did Dumbledore suddenly turn into the Riddler? Mysterious ...

Page 137 - At Bill and Fleur's wedding, Harry drinks some Polyjuice and disguises himself as "Cousin Barny." Oh, so now they figure it out. I'm surprised J.K. Rowling didn't have everyone at the wedding drink the potion and turn themselves into 100 Harry Potters.

Page 140 - Luna Lovegood makes her first appearance. She's my favorite character in the entire series and a I have a feeling she'll be nothing more than a bit-player in The Deathly Hallows. I hope I'm wrong. But I know I won't be.

Page 143 - Viktor Crum makes an appearance. Nobody cares.

Page 145 - Harry feels sorry for himself.

Page 148 - If Viktor is to be believed, Luna's dad is wearing Grindelwald's sign. Grindelwald was a dark wizard that Dumbledore went down in infamy for defeating in a battle. But who the fuck believes Viktor?

Page 152 - Elphias Doge reveals that, after becoming "rather rude" with Rita Skeeter, aspersions were cast upon his sanity. Pretty much par for the course with the Bush Administration. How much of this is coincidence and how much is Rowling working politics into her books?

Page 154 - A drunken and gossipy Auntie Muriel spits all over the image of Albus Dumbledore. She claims Kendra Dumbledore locked her daughter Ariana in the cellar for being a "squib." Locked in a cellar for being different? This is something Harry can relate to. His faith is being shaken in Dumbledore, who, according to a tipsy Muriel, sat by passively doing nothing to help his sister.

Page 155 - Sure enough, Harry identifies with Kendra Dumbledore. Was she locked up like Harry, only for knowing too little magic, while Harry was locked away for knowing too much?

Page 158 - Harry finds that Dumbledore's mother and sister were buried close to his mother and father in Godric's Hollow. Harry feels that Dumbledore lied by omission.

Page 159 - Harry doesn't have much time for self-pity prior to a Patronus arriving at the wedding uninvited and declaring, "the ministry has fallen. Scrimgeour is dead. They are coming."

Page 160 - Death Eaters arrive at the place of celebration. Harry, Ron and Hermione narrowly escape with their lives, as they narrowly always do.

Page 162 - Hermione says "damn." Conservative Christians everywhere debate burning the book. Because, of course, they've never cursed before in their lives.

Page 163 - In the Muggle world, Hermione is perfect jail bait. Men begin "wolf-whistling" and hitting on her. Conservative Christians decide that the book does, indeed, need to be burned.

Page 168 - Although he's now 17, could Harry still have a trace on him? Who could have put it there? I'm guessing Mad-Eye Moody, even though he's "dead."

Page 173 - Hermione moves to the political right. "You've got to close your mind!" she tells Harry. Next, she'll join in the closest scheduled book-burning of the latest Harry Potter novel.

Page 174 - Draco makes his grand entrance. He seems unwillingly resigned to torturing those who fail Voldemort.

Page 177 - Harry's starting to have mega-doubts about Dumbledore. Going so far as to compare the great wizard to Dudley. Dudley?!? Now that just stings.

Page 178 - What I wouldn't have given for "Permanent Sticking Charm" when I was a young teenager. "Don't like my Freddy Krueger poster, mom? Tough fucking shit. Try to remove it ... I dare you."

Page 181 - "It seems incredible that Dumbledore" Way to leave us hanging, J.K.. You do know I want your head on a stake for this, don't you? Esp. when it's going to turn out that Albus Dumbledore had reasons for his every action and was never cruel to anyone ... esp. his own blood.

Page 182 - Baby Harry and his mini-broom was a moving scene. Made me get all lumpy in the throat.

Page 186 - Sirius Black's brother, Regulus, was a Death Eater. Regulus? Where does J.K. come up with these ridiculous names? I guess I shouldn't be shocked, as this is the woman who named an entire series after a character named "Harry."

Page 196 - Yikes. Kreacher went through hell and back. He's still an asshole, as far as I'm concerned.

Page 198 - Hermione gets the biggest "I-told-you-so" thus far. It's not hard to see her gloating in that, "I'm really not gloating" sort of way that she's perfected over the course of 7 novels.
--Alex Sandell