Penile Implants, Mini-Strokes and Me

I was at the doctor yesterday due to these migraine headaches I've been having 24/7 for the past month (720/30?). He ordered me an MRI with and without contrast. Contrast is a dye that can kill you when injected. I would refuse the dye, but he wants to check the veins leading to my brain to see if I've been suffering from mini-strokes (which sounds to me like a polite way of describing being masturbated by a midget).

He kept asking if I had any metal in me. Then some girl with the softest voice I had ever heard (from what I could hear of it) asked me if I had had penile implants. After telling her that the bulge was just a rolled up sock and that no implants had I had, I inquired as to why she was asking about implants, shrapnel, metal, etc. She said that if I had any of that in my body the MRI could rip it out.

Yikes.

My mind went immediately to the appendectomy I had a few years ago (I'd link to the update I wrote about that experience, but I can't find it). What if, after removing my appendix, the surgeon or one of his minions left a clamp in me? This is the guy who cut too deep when opening me up, causing my appendix to burst and shoot toxins into my body. If he did leave something in me that MRI will tug it up from my waist through my guts into my heart and finally shoot it out of the top of my head. Not a good way to die. But neither is a stroke.

So, who's waiting in line Friday night for the final Harry Potter?
--Alex Sandell