I'm a Big Fucking Geek

Recent video game demos and my nerdy thoughts on them (in alphabetical order, for extra geekiness)

Beautiful Katamari (XBOX 360)

I guess this was a big title on the Playstation consoles. Try as I might, I don't get the appeal. From the demo now up on the 360 (MS, once again, trying to gain some Japanese gamers), it seems lame. Bad graphics. Bad comedy. What the hell? I'm supposed to run around rolling up a ball until it gets bigger and bigger? That's it??? This is why I've steered clear of so many critically acclaimed niche games that found cult followings on Sony consoles. MS should have let is stay with Sony as they have some quirky fans who like playing with their balls and those fans are disgusted that MS took their balls away from them. I don't see this selling well for the Xbox at all. If I wanted to play with balls, I'd take a warm bath so my own would get all big and droopy and then I'd jump out, put an ice cube on them, watch them shrink and laugh at what cowards they are. I mean -- it's only ice.

3 out of 10

Bioshock (XBOX 360, PC)

This was the game that made me sell my soul and buy a 360 again (my fifth -- these things are as long-lasting as toilet tissue). Based on the demo, my sold soul was worth the price. The game is based on Ayn Rand's Objectivism (also known as: "Sociopathism" or "Greedism"), and its story is deep for an FPS. The atmosphere is thick, the gameplay is intense, the art direction is awe-inspiring. This is one game that -- based on the "45 minute" demo that really takes 15 minutes to beat -- lives up to the hype. Unless something goes horribly wrong (such as Ayn Rand coming off as a heroic visionary), this will be the best game of the year. Someone on a video game site I frequent mentioned Rand being the end boss. It was mere speculation, but if it turned out to be true, I'd beat that boss more than Bowser in the original Super Mario Bros. Even if you don't get to shoot the shit out of a digital Ayn, the game still has a chance at being the greatest game ever created. It's not off to a bad start, as the demo is the best demo ever released.

10 out of 10

Blue Dragon (XBOX 360)

More Microsoft pandering to the Japanese audience they will never get. The game does look pretty and the story seems as though it will be semi-compelling in a kiddy sort of way. But it also seems boring. Not unbearable, but not $60 of fun, either. If you like turn-based RPG titles, this one should please you in a Final Fantasy sort of way. If not, stay away. Although the dragon is blue, which is cool. Since most dragons are red. And everyone knows red dragons are gay.

5 out of 10

DiRT (Sony PS3/Xbox 360)

I have no idea who Colin McRae is, as I don't keep up with the mullet crowd, but this is the demo Sony provided after feeling schooled by MS giving Bioshock, Stranglehold and Beautiful Katamari demos to their users. The game itself is like a bad version of the PS3 exclusive, Motorstorm. While Motorstorm is an awesome game, I felt DiRT -- based on the demo -- was one big infomercial. The second Colin starts talking, which is the second the game begins, I wanted a "mute" feature. "Hi, I'm Colin McRae and I'm going to show you how to play this game." Fuck off, Colin McRae, whoever the hell you are. I can figure it out myself. And then I'll go back to playing Motorstorm.

4 out of 10

Eternal Sonata (XBOX 360)

MS does more pandering. This is all turned-based crap and could possibly be the worst demo I've ever had the misfortune of playing. You have like 3 or 4 characters and you choose which move they will make and watch it play out. If you enjoy the whole interactive novel kind of game, this may be your thing. Who knows? Maybe the full game will prove to be intriguing. It's hard to judge games like this based on a demo. But still I'll go on to give it a ...

1 out of 10

Heavenly Sword (Sony Playstation 3)

This is shaping up to be the AAA title for the PS3 this holiday season. While the demo was only 5 minutes long, it was long enough to know that this will be a great game. The "making of" videos Sony's releasing on the Playstation Network further back up the inevitable greatness of this title. Outside of some obnoxious screen-tear, the graphics are jaw-dropping. The gameplay is similar to God of War, but the game comes off as even more epic than that excellent title (and its sequel). I wasn't happy that all you needed to do was hit a single button to get through the demo, but hopefully that will change upon release. With Andy Serkis (Gollum from the Lord of the Rings' trilogy) both acting in the game and directing the numerous cutscenes -- it's hard to imagine the title being anything less than perfect. The facial animations are the best seen so far in a game and, if this all pans out, Heavenly Sword could wind up game of the year with the best graphics of 2007. Because the demo is far too simplistic, I can't give it a perfect rating, but it does come damn close.

9 out of 10

Overlord (Xbox 360)

A shameless rip-off of Pikmin and Pikmin 2 for the GameCube, but the idea previously showed up in Oddworld: Munch's Odyssey, so maybe Miyamoto should be the one feeling the guilt. Although Miyamoto knows no guilt. How could he? He's selling a last-gen console at next-gen prices and justifying the whole thing with waggle. Overlord isn't the best thing ever, but it's fun. I wouldn't regret buying it at a reduced price. Decent graphics, funny dialogue and a whole lot of nastiness warrant a $29.99 purchase.

7 out of 10

Ridge Racer 7 (Sony PS3)

It's a racing game. Yay. If you like this sort of thing this one is probably likable. Everyone's impressed with the section where you drive through a cave under a waterfall. It is pretty with great sound effects. Still, I'd never buy this game. I'd never rent this game. But I do like waterfalls. One time I got naked and pretended a waterfall I was under was a shower. My girlfriend at the time thought it a good idea and stripped off her clothing. The force of the fall pushed her over the cliff and she drown in the rapids below. That was funny. Unfortunately, Ridge Racer 7 is not. But up in Heaven, I bet my nude ex is laughing. She was weird that way.

4 out of 10

Stranglehold (Sony PS3/Xbox 360)

I initially hated this one. Then I got all obsessed with everything that makes the game nearly as great as the developers think that it is. There's a whole lot to love in Stranglehold. The graphics aren't very good, but the interactive environments are incredible and more than make up for the so-so looks of Stranglehold. This is going to be the sleeper hit of the holiday. It's fun as hell to play (been through it 3 times, unlocking "hard" mode) and, if you're a fan of Hard Boiled, this will likely be the one game you'll make sure to pick up prior to 2008. I just don't know which version to buy. The PS3 comes with the movie Hard Boiled on Blu-Ray. The 360 has a controller that I can use without killing my hands and wrists. Decisions, decisions.

8 out of 10

Deconstructing Harry Part 5: A Review in Seven Parts

Click for Part 1. Click for Part 2. Click for Part 3. Click for Part 4.

Author's note: The "thoughts-per-page" posted are the exact thoughts I had while reading that very page. They have not nor will not be edited in retrospect or changed in hindsight. I will hold off on giving my opinion of the book until I've finished reading it. Here are my thoughts on pages 401-520 of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows:

Page 404 - And the book's title finally makes its grand entrance. Turns out the symbol Xenophilius was wearing at Bill and Fleur's wedding is the sign of the Deathly Hallows.

Page 409 - When put together, "The Elder Wand," "The Resurrection Stone" and "The Cloak of Invisibility" make up the Deathly Hallows. Either that or a Happy Meal.

Page 410 - The three Hallows united will make their owner the "master of death." Hermione has a problem with the concept and is called "narrow" and "close-minded." Ouch.

Page 418 - Harry enters Luna's room. It appears no one's lived there for weeks. I wrote the word "shit" in my copy of the book. Then, for good measure, I wrote the word "piss." Just when I think I'm gonna get a little Luna action, it's yanked away from me.

Page 419 - Turns out Luna's dad's been pressured to change his stories in The Quibbler to please The Ministry. Why? They took his daughter and he's hoping that if he complies they'll give her back.

Page 425 - After escaping the Death Eaters that nearly capture the gang in Luna's house, Hermione says her parents are safe because they're in Australia. Yes. Australia. Because Voldemort would never look there during the off-season.

Page 426 - Ron says "damn" again. Certain members of the Religious Right spontaneously combust.

Page 429 - Harry wonders if Hallows versus Horcruxes is a way to victory. "The last enemy that shall be destroyed is death." Potter wonders if the three Hallows making him the master of death would give him the power to destroy "the last enemy."

Page 431 - Voldemort is also after The Elder Wand. But Harry doesn't believe good old Voldy fully knows its power.

Page 438 - The password to listen to "Potterwatch" -- the radio show created to debunk the misinformation about Potter -- is "Albus." Ooh ... that was a tough one. Wonder how anyone figured it out?

Page 439 - "Muggle slaughter is becoming little more than a recreational sport under the new regime."

Page 440 - "Muggles remain ignorant of the source of their suffering as they continue to sustain heavy casualties." Sounds like Muggles to me. Has this book suddenly jumped into the "non-fiction" aisle at the bookstore?

Page 445 - "Voldemort." Oh, good one, Harry. The name is no longer silly superstition. You say it, you're caught. Before Harry could get out a, "My bad," a dozen wands were pointed at him, Hermione and Ron.

Page 459 - Draco's tired of being a bad guy.

Page 463 (and more) - Hermione is tortured.

Page 464 - Luna Lovegood is back! Yay!

Page 466 - "Hermione's screams echoed off the walls upstairs ..." Is this the final Potter novel or the newest Saw film?

Page 467 - Dobby the house-elf is back! And he's Apparated to save the imprisoned group of heroes. "Dobby has come to rescue you."

Page 476 - Dobby's dead. But he died a heroic death as a free elf. That would suck if Mad-Eye Moody and Dobby are the two "main characters" J.K. Rowling has went on and on about killing. Harry, Ron or Hermione -- at least one of them has to go. I've always hoped Potter would die and his death would be avenged by Ron and Hermione.

Page 492 - Horcrux or Hallows? Harry's made his choice and he's went with Horcruxes for the win.

Page 496 - Ollivander reveals that Voldemort is only looking for the Elder Wand to defeat Harry's. He (Voldemort) apparently knows next to nothing about the Deathly Hallows.

Page 497 - Or ... er ... boy did I mess that one up. "The Dark Lord no longer seeks the Elder Wand for your destruction, Mr. Potter. He is determined to possess it because he believes it will make him truly invulnerable." I'm guessing he believes wrong.

Page 499 - So that's why Dumbledore dueled Grindelwald.

Page 500 - They're going to Hogwarts! I knew J.K. wouldn't end the series without Hogwarts making an appearance.

Page 501 - Busting into his tomb and stealing from Dumbledore's corpse -- Voldemort knows no shame. And I still wonder if Dumbledore is really dead. I guess I'm still in the "denial" phase of grieving.

Page 514 - Lupin and Tonks had their baby and Harry's a godfather. So wizards believe in God, then?

Page 517 - Y'know how when you buy a piece of software or music nowadays it says that it isn't your property and your purchase has only granted you a "license" to use said software? A license that may be revoked at any time? And that you may not share the item you "leased" with friends or family? It looks like corporations are run by goblins. As Bill explains, "To a goblin, the rightful and true master of any object is the maker, not the purchaser. All goblin-made objects are, in goblin eyes, rightfully theirs. They have ... great difficulty with the idea of goblin-made objects passing from wizard to wizard. They consider our habit of keeping goblin-made objects, passing them from wizard to wizard without further payment, little more than theft." Read the back of the next piece of software you buy. Sound familiar?

Page 518 - Oh great, now 17-year-old Harry's drunk. Seriously, Conservatives should just close this book up, hide their heads in the sand, and pretend the Harry Potter series never happened.

And the book and the Harry Potter series is nearing its finale. How will it end? Who will live? Who will die? Only one way to find out (well, technically two ways to find out, if you count reading the book all by yourself as a way) ... be back tomorrow for Part 6 of 7!
--Alex Sandell

Deconstructing Harry Part 4: A Review in Seven Parts

Click for Part 1. Click for Part 2. Click for Part 3

Author's note: The "thoughts-per-page" posted are the exact thoughts I had while reading that very page. They have not nor will not be edited in retrospect or changed in hindsight. I will hold off on giving my opinion of the book until I've finished reading it. Here are my thoughts on pages 301-400 of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows:

Page 302 - "She deserved her punishment, as did the idiot Longbottom and the Lovegood oddity!" Oh yeah, like you're one to talk Phineas. Anyone running around with a name as close to "Penis" as yours would do just as well to keep his mouth shut about others.

Page 304 - The Gryffindor sword at Hogwarts is a fake. The real sword has been removed and is capable of destroying the Horcruxes. Harry gets all excited and punches the air like a bit of a retard.

Page 306 - Ron holds off on the retarded air-punching and instead decides to tear Harry a new asshole.

Page 308 - "You don't give a rat's fart, do you ..." Ron Weasley, to Harry Potter

Page 309 - Ron and Harry go at it like never before. If it weren't for Hermione intervening, one of them would have likely killed the other. Harry feels a "corrosive hatred toward Ron."

Page 310 - Ron leaves Harry and Hermione behind. This can only mean that Ron will come back like a knight in shining armor and save the day when Harry's about to die. The question is: Will Ron die saving Harry? Trust me, J.K. didn't write this as Ron's final exit from the series. Something big is going to happen and Ron is going to do something heroic in an attempt to save his friend, Harry Potter.

Page 311 - "[Harry and Hermione's] protective enchantment meant that it would be impossible ... for Ron to find them again." I bet.

Page 329 - The description of James and Lily Potter's final resting spot in Godric's Hollow was vivid and sort of depressing. Poor Harry.

Page 340 - The snake crawling out of Bathilda Bagshot's neck is some pretty freaky shit. Parents will be up with their kids for weeks after reading them this scene.

Page 342 - 345 - The night of James and Lily's deaths is a pretty traumatic read. Murder is never pretty and Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows is no exception to the rule.

Page 355 - This whole "Harry doubting Dumbledore's intentions" part of the book is lame. Obviously Albus Dumbledore isn't going to turn out to be a bad guy, so why is J.K. wasting space?

Page 361 - Did Snape kill Dumbledore to save the Muggles? That's as far-fetched as you could get, but the thought crossed my mind so I'm typing it here. "I don't believe it," said Hermione. I don't either, hon. Did I just type, "hon?" Yikes.

Page 362 - Harry stupidly decides that Dumbledore never loved him and uses the curse form of the word, "damn." More members of the Christian Right buy more copies of the book to burn at those gatherings they have where they burn things. The Christian Right alone will make this one a best-seller.

Page 371 - And here's Ron's triumphant return. And of course he's saving Harry's life. And it only took 61 pages. Thanks to Ron, Harry now has the real sword of Gryffindor.

Page 374 - "Let's get rid of the damn thing ..." for shame, for shame. Watch the mouth, Potter.

Page 375 - The Horcrux turns out to be one nasty little bastard. Ron destroys it, but not before letting it verbally abuse him for minutes on end.

Page 380 - Ron, expecting hugs and kisses from a lonely Hermione gets punches and kicks from her, instead. She even calls him an "arse" and wonders where her wand is, so she can inflict more damage on her poor boyfriend.

Page 381 - Yelling at Ron, "[Hermione's] voice was so shrill only bats would be able to hear it soon." Funny stuff. I actually laughed while reading. Then I looked around self-conscientiously to make sure no one heard me.

Page 382 - Ron introduces us to "Snatchers." They're basically bounty hunters rounding up Muggle-borns and "blood-traitors" in hopes of receiving a reward from the Ministry for their efforts.

Page 389 - Ron, Hermione and Harry decide to visit Xenophilius Lovegood.

Page 392 - I write a note to myself stating, "Could Dumbledore be alive and in hiding? Could Snape have been killed and Dumbledore is using Polyjuice Potion to appear as Severus and to maintain his position as Headmaster of Hogwarts? Could both of them still be alive?"

Page 396 - As it's the Christmas holidays, Ron predicts that Luna will be home. My heart skips a beat.

And we'll have to wait until tomorrow to find out if she's there. And hopefully what the hell the "Deathly Hallows" are all about.
--Alex Sandell

Deconstructing Harry Part 3: A Review in Seven Parts

Click for Part 1. Click for part 2.

Author's note: The "thoughts-per-page" posted are the exact thoughts I had while reading that very page. They have not nor will not be edited in retrospect or changed in hindsight. I will hold off on giving my opinion of the book until I've finished reading it. Here are my thoughts on pages 201-300 of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows:

Page 202 - Ron playing with his Deluminator as Hermione tries to study her book is some pretty funny stuff.

Page 206 - Scrimgeour noble? Who woulda thought?

Page 207 - Death Eaters have the "full might" of the Ministry on their side now and have taken over the press. They're performing abusive, illegal spells with no fear of negative repercussions. Sort of like Scooter Libby.

Page 208 - Harry's being villainized in the press, placing fear into the empty pockets of society where hope should reside.

Page 209 - A "Muggle-born Registration Commission" has been created. Ridiculous claims are being made by the Ministry stating that if you're born with magic but do not have magic in your family you "stole" it, which is cause for arrest (or worse). Keep the people down and they won't dare stand up as Voldemort destroys the world they once knew and loved.

Page 222 - Anyone surprised that Dolores Umbridge is back in the picture? Anyone thrilled? This woman made for one nasty bitch in book 5 and is probably my favorite villain in the series.

Page 225 - Severus Snape is appointed as new Headmaster of Hogwarts. I'm still not convinced he's a bad guy. Part of me thinks he's been put there to try and keep things slightly under control as the universe unravels around him.

Page 242 - That statue in the Atrium is nasty. A witch and a wizard sitting atop "Hundreds and hundreds of naked bodies, men women and children, all with rather stupid, ugly faces, twisted and pressed together ..." The statue reads, "MAGIC IS MIGHT." I predicted correctly: This one's the darkest Harry Potter book yet.

Page 245 - Dolores Umbridge makes her grand entrance. I feel all tingly.

Page 249 - Dolores using Mad-Eye Moody's eye to spy on her employees? Okay, so maybe Mad-Eye did die a heroic death after-all. Can't say I'm sure either way. Still leaning toward his being a traitor, but at this point it's getting pretty 50/50.

Page 251 - Harry discovers that Umbridge has a new title: Head of the Muggle-Born Registration Commission. She's keeping tabs on everyone, just like the Department of Homeland Security. Arthur Weasley's file lists him as a "Pureblood" but goes on to state that he has, "unacceptable pro-Muggle leanings." His movements are being monitored.

Page 252 - Harry finds out that he's considered "Undesirable Number One." I think it's supposed to be a revelation, but didn't we already know this in the first book?

Page 257 - The courtrooms where Muggles and half-bloods are tried are being guarded by Dementors. Or, as J.K. Rowling puts it, Dementors. Because you're not truly demented until your dementia warrants italics.

Page 258 - Harry sees someone carried off to suffer his fate for being born with magical abilities but with no wizardry in his family. He claims his father was a wizard and he is a half-blood. Umbridge says, in that condescending, fingers-on-chalkboard way she says things, that this is his last warning and if he doesn't go quietly he will be "subjected to the Dementor's kiss." It's a pretty oppressive scene.

Page 260 - "Umbridge laughed a soft girlish laugh that made Harry want to attack her." Man, do I hope Umbridge gets hers. I'd rather see Umbridge slaughtered in the end than I would Voldemort.

Page 262 - Harry unexpectedly throws caution to the wind and begins kicking ass and taking names. Most exciting section of the book thus far.

Page 263 - Harry to one of those on trial: "Get out, get out of the country ... disguise yourselves and run. You've seen how it is, you won't get anything like a fair hearing here." Alright, I'm convinced, J.K. is writing her politics into her children's novels. Good for her.

Page 268 - In a way I wish it were the Forbidden Forest. The longer the book goes on, the more nostalgic I'm getting for old locations and characters.

Page 269 - Ron gets "splinched" as the gang Disapparated (sort of like a "Transporter accident" on Star Trek). He's alive, but he's seriously messed up. Good luck getting this scene in a PG-13 movie.

Page 270 - Now that Yaxley's discovered their hideout at Grimmauld Place, the last familiar location from the previous 6 books has just been yanked away from our heroes and from us, as readers (although I'm guessing a few surprises are in store).

Page 273 - "Erecto" - Hermione. You figure out what spell she was casting and why.

Page 275 - Nearly 300 pages in and the trio's found exactly one Horcrux.

Page 283 - This thief intrigues me. "A Fred and George-ish air of triumphant trickery about him." He couldn't be a Weasley, could he?

Page 286 - "[M]aybe we ought not to wear it." Ya think?

Page 289 - Harry believes Voldemort may have hidden a Horcrux at Hogwarts! Pack up the books, gang -- looks like we're going back to school one last time!

Page 290 - "Forget Hogwarts" - Harry, defeated. Put the books back on the shelves, kids -- looks like school's out, forever.

Page 290 - "[G]ame of "pass-the-parcel." Must be a British thing.

Page 292 - "[Harry] tried to think of further Horcrux locations, but the only one that continued to occur to him was Hogwarts." Oh, J.K. -- why must you toy with our emotions this way?

Page 293 - Hermione goes all feminist on Ron. Take that Ron, you sexist pig!

Page 299 - Hurray for the alternative press! The Quibbler is printing "all the stuff" the mainstream Prophet's ignoring. That reminds me, I need to renew my subscription to The Nation.

Page 300 - Someone says "hell" in a children's book. The swearword version of the word. Anyone have a match? The Christian Right may be running out by this point.
--Alex Sandell

Deconstructing Harry: A Review in Seven Parts (Part 1)

Part 1: Pages 1 - 100

Author's note: I have not read ahead in the book. The "thoughts-per-page" posted are the exact thoughts I had while reading that very page. They have not been edited in retrospect or changed in hindsight. Many of my guesses could be wrong. More could be right. I will hold off on giving my opinion (review) on the book until I'm finished reading it. Without further adieu, here are my thoughts on the first 100 pages of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows:

Page 3 - Severus Snape revealed to be a bad guy? Could Albus Dumbledore have been that wrong about him in the last book?

Page 11 - "We shall cut away the canker that infects us until only those of the true blood remain." Voldemort's hatred of Mudbloods is an even stronger racial allegory in The Deathly Hallows than it was in the previous books. I wouldn't be surprised if he went after Mudbloods marrying purebloods, claiming that it destroyed the "sanctity of marriage."

Page 12 - "The dwindling of the purebloods is ... a most desirable circumstance.... She would have us mate with Muggles...." Can't say I was surprised.

Page 12 - "Dinner, Nagini ..." Looks like this one's going to be the darkest Potter book yet.

Page 13 - Harry never learning to repair wounds will definitely come into play later in the book. Gives Hermione something to do, other than to stand around looking pretty.

Page 15 - Sad watching Harry put his school things behind him. Who else is going to miss Hogwarts?

Page 22 - Rita Skeeter up to her old tricks, but this time even nastier than before. In the 4 weeks since his death, she's written a nine-hundred-page biography on Albus Dumbledore titled, "The Life and Times of Albus Dumbledore." This includes "an entire chapter" on the "unhealthy" Potter-Dumbledore relationship. "Dumbledore's legions of admirers may well be trembling at what is soon to emerge about their hero."

Page 29 - "If anything was certain, it was the bright blue eyes of Albus Dumbledore would never pierce (Harry) again." Somehow I doubt that.

Page 30 - More fun with the Dursley family. The bumbling and tumbling group is as funny, hard-headed and cold-hearted as ever, but this time the humor leaves a bittersweet aftertaste. Esp. when Dudley performs an about face and is kind to Harry and thankful to the young wizard for saving his life.

Page 44 - Harry's getting nostalgic for the Dursley home he grew up in. Going as far to feel a slight tinge of remorse over leaving the small closet he was forced to sleep in under the staircase for so many years of his life. Seems about as realistic as a Jewish person longing for Auswitchz. But whatever, it's fiction.

Page 47 - Convinced that Voldemort doesn't expect Harry to be moved until the 30th, Mad-Eye Moody and the gang arrive to rush Harry out of his home.

Page 50 - Ron, Hermione, Fred, George, Fleur and a reluctant Mundungus drink the Polyjuice Potion, turning themselves into visual clones of Harry Potter. This is to distract the Death Eaters that Voldemort has patrolling the skies. Why not just change Harry's looks and save all the trouble? They may be magical, but these magic types sure aren't practical.

Page 55 - Headwig Dead. We hardly knew ye, ya silly Owl.

Page 56 - AMBUSH! Someone let Voldemort know that Harry was leaving prior to the 30th and Harry and Hagrid find themselves surrounded by at least 30 Death Eaters.

Page 59 - Harry is recognized as the real Potter. Which sends ...

Page 60 - ... Voldemort directly at Harry. Voldemort has no use for petty accessories such as brooms, flying motorcycles or the Nintendo Wii Balance Board. This nasty bastard has the power to fly on his own, thank you very much. "Voldemort was flying like smoke on the wind, without broomstick or thestral to hold him. Not even a Wii Balance Board, for that matter." I made up the "Not even a Wii Balance Board, for that matter" part of the quote.

Page 61 - Hagrid's dead? I don't buy it. It's too early in the book and he's too big a character (literally and metaphorically).

Page 69 - George finally shows up at the Burrow (replacing number twelve, Grimmauld Place as the Order's HQ) worse for the wear. His ear is missing and his face is covered in blood.

Page 73 - It's revealed that there has been a mass breakout at Azkaban that the Ministry of Magic has covered up. For some reason it seems like that reveal came a couple of books ago, but maybe I'm remembering incorrectly. Sort of like the back of a sweetened cereal box, without the impending cavities.

Page 73 - Was it really Snape that took off George's ear? I'm having trouble believing that. So far, if The Deathly Hallows has any reason for existing, it's to hear Albus Dumbledore say, "I told you so!" from beyond the grave. Although, knowing Albus, he'd just politely wink and then change shape from Richard Harris to Michael Gambon.

Page 74 - It's nice to find that George can still crack a bad joke and remain in good spirits with one of his ears removed. If my ear were removed, I'd be crying and whining like the little bitch that I am.

Page 78 - Mad-Eye Moody dead? Killed by Voldemort?

Page 81 - "The suddenness and completeness of death was with them like a presence." Yep, Mad-Eye Moody is dead. But did Voldemort really kill him?

Page 83 - Harry's wand acted of its own accord, casting its own spell to stop Voldemort from killing young Potter? Hmm. I'm guessing someone else cast the spell for him. Wands don't perform their own magic. The self-preserving wand was a cover-up.

Page 89 - Mrs. Weasley tries her best to keep Harry, Ron and Hermione apart. She's upset the three are leaving school to go after the horcruxes (receptacles where a dark wizard has hidden fragments of his soul, hoping to achieve immortality) and Voldemort himself. And to think, my mom was pissed when I skipped first hour photography class to eat pancakes at the tiny greasy-spoon located in Small Town, USA.

Page 91 - Mad-Eye Moody's body cannot be found. Could he be the member of the Order of the Phoenix who let Voldemort know Harry was leaving prior to the 30th? Is Mad-Eye a villain? J.K.'s gone down this path before and I'm going to be severely disappointed if she goes down it once again.

Page 92 - "Why in the name of Merlin's saggy left ..." - Ron Weasley

Page 96 - Hermione's gotten her hands on Mad-Eye's whole stock of Polyjuice Potion. That'll come in handy!

And now, back to reading. Part 2 of Deconstructing Harry will be up soon!
--Alex Sandell