Written by: Alex Sandell
Have you ever been fortunate enough to come in contact with a Latter-Day Saint? If you have, you'd know it. They usually come in pairs, at dinner time, offering you a free copy of "The Book of Morons" in exchange for your letting them brainwash you for a couple hours.
I've had three sets of Morons (otherwise know as Latter-Day Saints) rap on my door. Two of them during dinner. One of them I made the mistake of letting in. Never let a Saint on a "mission" into your house. Similar to Vampires, a Latter-Day Saint must be invited in before they enter, but once they enter, they may never leave.
They have a lot of convincing to do, you see. They're from Utah. Some guy named "The Great Moron" was sent on a mission from God to write a sequel to the Bible called "The Book of Morons". On that day, the Latter-Day Saints were born. Since that time, some are chosen Apostles by Jesus Christ (or something, I wasn't really listening), just like the infamous twelve. None of them masturbate. Pornography is a sin. They like your upholstery. One of them has a hang-nail. They're from Utah. Did they mention that already?
From the time I let those Latter-Day Saints through my door, I've received letters, videos, about 17 copies of "The Book of Morons" and an autographed 8X10 of Jesus. They have connections.
It was a rather frightening experience. Still, they're just having fun with their cult, and cults usually pass, right? Wrong. This is a self-righteous cult. A "Brimstone-and-Fire, Shove the Horns of Satan Up a Sinner's Ass, Pissed Off, Medieval Bitch of a Cult." Did I mention they were from Utah?
Anyway, on 7/29/98 I wrote an update titled, "How to improve a Skinhead's image in 10 easy steps". Step # 7 read: "Offer free Bibles: Sure, Jesus was a Jew and that might be scary, but a free Bible really seems to open a person's mind to your message. It pretty much goes against the message you're trying to send, but that never stopped The Church of Latter Day Saints!"
"Latter Day Saints" (sue me, I forgot the fucking hyphen) could have been replaced with "Gideons" or any other Bible-placing cult. It's just that "Latter Day" had such a nice ring. It almost made me feel like denying I masturbate.
Still, the Saints were mad. One of their "members" came to their defense. I will print her letter. My response, and her letters in response to that. Remember, this is a girl from the Church that claims they follow the advice of Jesus Christ ("He who has not sinned shall cast the first stone") more than any other. Plus, she's from Utah. Another thing to keep in mind; she has been reading The Juicy Cerebellum (you can find her letters praising this site in quite a few of the letter updates) for a year.
Without further adieu, here is the letter from the infamous Andrea, representative of Jesus Christ and all of his teachings (keep in mind this fanatic email is based solely on the one-line remark, "that never stopped The Church of Latter Day Saints!"):
"I have a great idea for
you. Instead of complaining about people judging, hating, or
doing anything to people of a different skin color why don't you
follow your own advice on religion. By the way, the country
that gave you your freedom of speech also gave us our freedom of
religion to worship how we choose and it's not against any laws
to inform people of our beliefs. If you don't want to
listen to mormons and receive our books, don't talk to us.
Don't answer the door genius. For someone who believes he
is such a genius, it's hard to believe that you couldn't even
think of that. You had such a great website until you had
to write without thinking first. Grow up and stop
whining. Go into a seizure or something...do us all a
By the way it's The Church of Jesus Christ of Ladder Day Saints.
Lets see how clever you are with this one. Seeing as how instead of standing up for what you write you just skip the subject and insult the person because of how they type. You must be a 12 year old trapped inside some sickly little body of a taller boy cuz you're certainly NOT a man."
Isn't it charming how she corrects my spelling of "Latter Day Saint" and goes on to spell it wrong herself? It is written (and therefore it is also probably thrown into their version of the Bible somewhere, too) at their official website that "The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints" must be hyphenated. Plus, they prefer "latter" to be spelled "latter," not "ladder." I think she's going to Hell. Here is my response to her letter. My type is in red, since I'm obviously Satan:
"Are you this upset because of a ONE-LINE joke in the 'in-style' update I wrote? Talk about defensive. I didn't say anything about any mormon giving me any 'book.' I said that giving out bibles seems to work for people. I only comment on the Latter Day Saints for one second when I say something like 'it never stopped them.'
On my website it was just fine, I guess, to put down anything besides a Latter Day Saint. Isn't this the country of freedom where you say we can express our beliefs? So why are you so amazingly angry when I make a JOKE about your religion?
Commenting on me going into a seizure is as far from what Jesus would want you to say as you can come. If you ever comment on my seizure status again maybe I'll become extremely intolerant like you and rip your hypocritical head off and shove it down your ignorant throat. How would you like that?
All I wrote is a sarcastic comment in a website FULL of thousands of sarcastic comments that you have enjoyed time and time again throughout the past year. I can't believe you could be narrow-minded enough to go from thinking a website is 'great' to actually wishing I'd DIE or have a seizure because I made a comment you didn't like.
stand up for everything I write. I never proclaimed myself to be
a genius, and think you're so uptight your hymen must break every
time you sit down to pee."
Okay, so I just added the "hymen" line for this update, but it was pretty impressive, and I think I'll patent it. I received not one, but three responses to the rather calm reply above.
I can't give them credit for much, but those Latter-Day Saints sure can talk (and they're from Utah).
Response # 1:
"It's typical that you have to write me back and insult me. Is that how you get off and make yourself feel better, insulting others instead of recognizing everyithing horrible about yourself. Go have a seizure and die you pathetic little moron. Dammit, see what you've got me doing, I'm sinking down to your level.
Grow up little boy."
Is this Christ-like? Didn't Jesus die for our sins? Would Andrea pray a leper she didn't like had his dick fall off? I don't know, but I think this Andrea is really just a sinner wrapped up in sheep's clothing. I'm sure her fuckwad parents are just the same. Her grandparents before her, even. A brainwashed, delusional little freak of a girl. Hoping I die because I disagree with her almighty religion. I wonder who is doing the insulting in these letters? I wrote an update with one joke Andrea found offensive. She wrote two emails wishing I'd die. Now she responds with yet another. Hmm . . .
Response # 2:
"You know it's sad how
you have to focus on the little things than the big
picture. Keep in mind that I've never called what you
worship a cult, I have a little more respect than that.
Maybe I'm in a cult, so what, you probably don't really have
seizures and you're just a drug addict who wants everyone to feel
sorry for you."
Wouldn't Jesus feel sympathy for a drug addict? I don't do drugs, but I don't look down upon those who do. I feel poor little Andrea is a confused little slut with a "Latter-Day Saint" pin over her tit. As an added note: what the hell do I worship? The only thing I can think of is Star Wars, which would be considered a false-God by the Latter-Day Saints, and I'd instantly get my right eyeball poked out for it.
Response # 3:
"First of all, if you don't have anything else to do but but find me and rip my head off and shove it down my ignorant throat then you must have a pretty sad life.
You have to find me first and
believe me thats not possible even if you find my address.
There's no way you can find me so quit your bitching and go write
an update about ignorant fucks like me because I really don't
care anymore. Bye bye sweetie pie."
Now we get the paranoia setting in her system (plus a nice little rhyme). I feel just about upset enough to state that her email address is firstname.lastname@example.org and email@example.com. I'm not recommending anyone write to these addresses (trust me, you'll be getting free "Cyber-Bibles" for the rest of your life), but I just felt "about" upset enough to state them. I would never recommend that people SPAM her, or hack into her account to find her home telephone number. This is wrong. The Latter-Day Saints may find you and cut off your fingers.
If this is organized religion, I'll worship Yoda.
©1998 Alex Sandell [All Rights Reserved]. Andrea Davis's letters probably aren't copyrighted by her. Title graphic ©1998 God [All Sins Reserved].
Go get JUICY!