Saints Throughout History
Written by: Alex Sandell
The Prophet Joseph Smith (Born 1805)
After talking with God, Prophet Joseph Smith officially created the Latter-Day Saints in 1830. With the Book of Mormon, Joseph began what would be considered by some to be the root of telemarketing and 1-800 numbers. Mr. Smith is obviously a reincarnation of the Lord, being that he invented the telemarketing "service" long before the invention of telephones.
Mr. Smith, as the first Latter-Day Saint, was also the first man of his faith to deem women as inferior to himself. It's generally assumed that he was the first person to call himself "Saint" without being thrown into an insane asylum. As if that wasn't enough, Mr. Smith is also thought to be the world's first door-to-door salesmen.
The selling of humanity's first mass-delusion has been accredited to Prophet Joseph, although this claim is widely debated due to the fact that Christians believed, years and years before Mr. Smith's birth, that they were forced to suffer because some naked girl ate an apple. Looking even further back, Greeks believed thunder was sent from an angry God. On another (possibly related) note; to this day, dogs believe they must "sit" to be fed.
Yoda, The Jedi Master (Born A Long Time Ago, in a Galaxy Far Far Away)
Yoda, a Jedi Master, is considered one of the greatest Latter-Day Saints to have ever lived. His philosophies and principles, although completely unrelated to the religion, are rumored to be "really related" and "totally 'Latter'".
Yoda is misprinted in the book of Mormon as saying, "Utah RULES!". Being that the oldest existing copy of the Book only dates back to 1983, this statement is generally considered to be fact among the Latter-Day Saints and their spawn. If you ask them how they know Yoda said such a thing, they usually reply by asking you how you know he didn't.
Donny and Marie (Born in Syndication)
Considered to be the best entertainers in history by the vast majority of Latter-Day Saints, Donny and Marie remain popular for their seventies idiocy and their nineties moronics. From variety to talk show, Donny and Marie show their true love for God with their cheesy bell-bottoms and falsified smiles. Plus, making millions is generally considered "okay" if it's in the name of the Lord (and you live in Utah).
Jesus Christ (Born Prior To The Year 1)
As a moral compass for this misguided group, Christ comes in only second to Joseph Smith himself. Considered an "honorary" door-to-door salesmen and the Son of God, Christ is nearly the ideal Latter-Day Saint. If only 1-800 numbers would have been available and he wouldn't have died hundreds of years before the religion was born, Christ could have been a star.
Still, with his long hair, and contradicting reports on eternity, Christ fit the bill. He allowed Joseph to "place the blame on Jesus" when he began manipulating The Bible to suit his needs.
Thanks to Mr. Smith's deviance and Christ's reputation as a "pretty neat guy", the Latter-Day Saints will carry on for at least another 7 months as the world's largest cult!
About the author: Although not involved with the Latter-Day Saints, Alex Sandell is commonly referred to as "Satan" by its members. Mr. Sandell has shrugged off death threats by Latter-Day members as simply "Thou Shall Not Kill" gone horribly wrong. If you need to consult with Lucifer, please contact firstname.lastname@example.org. May the Force be with you.
ęCopyright 1998 Alex Sandell [All Rights Reserved]. If you're a Latter-Day Saint, and you want to copy this for all your sainted friends, please insert one finger in your rectum and suck on your thumb, instead. Thank you.
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