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Testing Myself
Written by: Alex Sandell

About every 3 or 4 years I go into a panic state and start worrying that age has turned me Conservative. Am I still the tree-hugging, bleeding heart that I was in high school? Or has a higher income and hatred of kids "texting" each other in the movie theater while I'm trying to enjoy a watered-down PG-13 film made for said kids turned me into a curmudgeonly Republican turd? So, I tap some nifty keywords such as, "Political Survey" or "What's My Politics" into Google and take whatever random test is thrown my way. This morning was the first time I've done this since 2003. If these results (yes, I answered every question honestly) are any indication, I can breathe a sigh of relief and take it easy for the next half decade. Because that's what us "Liberals" do, right? Take it easy, while living off the taxes of wealthy Republicans and their spoiled trust-fund babies?

Man, if I weren't so lazy, I think I'd celebrate my trouble-free life by stepping outside and hugging a tree. Instead, I think I'll give my mailman a call and remind him to slide the welfare check under the door next time, so I don't have to put out my joint, pull on my underwear and walk the ten feet to my mailbox to pick it up myself. Jeesh ... he never learns. Typical Republican.

This is a chart that looks sort of like something a dullard Republican would come up with in a moment of dullard panic. I think the red dot is supposed to represent my political stance. Either that, or it's telling me where exactly I'm located in the mall (wherever they accept food stamps, honey). I actually was a smidgeon further to the Left side of things 4 years ago. That has everything to do with what I've learned about NAFTA and the WTO and how much they're destroying almost everything sacred in this world -- including the environment, labor unions, education, the American Workforce, food safety, etc. etc. etc..

Again, 4 years ago I was another notch closer to "Far-Left Liberal." This year I was trying to stay as far away from that dorky Liberal "Hippy" font as I could, or, once again, my beliefs on NAFTA and WTO nudged me slightly to the right (but, thank Gawd, no where near "Moderate"). I'm not sure why the WTO and NAFTA are considered issues that Liberals should support. The only people -- whether Liberal or Conservative -- that this shit benefits are the richest of the super-rich corporations actually doing the "trading" (IE - Wal-Mart trading with Chinese sweatshops for the lowest prices ... always). I think it's funny how they describe me as more Liberal than a "Far-Left" Liberal by saying I have "far more" tolerance for differing views than those close-minded "Far-Left" Liberals do. Ooh ... snap!

These guys weren't even trying in the "graphic" department. Couldn't they have at least included a Lava Lamp next to the word "Liberal"? Or maybe homosexual people making gay love outside of a Catholic church where they had a gay marriage? Anyway, I almost didn't include this one because it really adds nothing to what's already been said up above. Outside of reinforcing my Liberalism, it's pretty lame. But it speaks words of truth when it says I'm "generally against traditional dogma and authoritarian attitudes." Fucking authoritarians and your attitudes! I'm generally opposed to you and them! Jerks!

This one lays it all out for you and has a neat little graphic of some dude holding the whole world in his hands. Maybe Jesus? Jesus was a Liberal and there was a song that went something like, "He's got the whole world in his hands!" I hated that song. Anyway, I guess I'm 10% Conservative. I wonder if I could have that 10% excised like a tumor? How would the doctor react if I asked? The 25% "Conservative" on social issues took me by surprise. Unless they asked me if I'm cool with fucking donkeys with razors in their rectums, I don't see where I'm Conservative on social issues. I like how I'm 0% conservative when it comes to Personal Responsibility and Fiscal Issues. Take that, Mr. Fiscally Responsible! I was damn proud that my ethics were 100% Liberal. All that means is that I have ethics. The 25% Conservative on defense and crime goes back to the WTO and NAFTA thing. We've already covered that, so I think this would be a nice place to end this update.

So -- how Liberal or Conservative are you? Why not take the surveys for yourself and find out? Since I'm not personally responsible, I didn't think to save the links to these surveys or I would have provided them here. Instead, you'll have to do a Google search yourself and find them. I found them all and did so with 0% accountability! And this was after a long day of snuffing out my marijuana cigarrette and walking ten feet to my mailbox.

And once you've taken a few, let me know how far to the Right or Left you ended up being. Nothing like keeping tabs on my readers. Or ... wait ... isn't that what George W. Bush does? AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!

George W. Bush doesn't know how to write or read? *Phew* That was a close one. Lucky for him his daddy knew to taught him how to dodge the draft.

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