What's this page about? Why do I write a comedy update one day, a depressing update the next, and a movie review the day after that? Am I like, mental, or something? Why doesn't the background of the graphic below match the color of this page? What's the deal with the midgets?
After receiving a large amount of, "uh . . . your poem about that chick dumping you was nice, but I thought this was a movie page" type emails, I've decided to make everything clear. Type out a couple of clarifying statements you can look at, whenever you're feeling perplexed over one of them nutty updates I'm always writing. Hey, I've always wanted to write a manifesto, especially one that's Juicy, so, here it is, just for you!
Written by: Alex Sandell
I will not pigeonhole my writing to please the masses
What goes up on The Juicy Cerebellum will be what I feel like putting up, on that particular day. I will not stick exclusively to movies, satire, comedy, poems, politics, novels, or history just to get a large following of fans who are interested in a certain theme, and, even more importantly, a good selection of chicken-shit advertisers who are too scared to advertise to an audience they can't catalog, serialize and divide up into tidy little groups. At the same time, I will not avoid a certain subject in fear of what a reader might think. If I want to spend 3 weeks writing about the midget I met at Texaco, you better be really into midgets, or find another page to visit for the next 21 days.
I will not ask those of you who enjoy writing hatemail to stop writing it
At the same time, I will not forget the location of the delete key in conjunction with my middle-finger, when it arrives.
I will not avoid satirizing, criticizing or blaming certain political groups or religious organizations in fear of one of them getting angry
So, if you're a member of The Catholic League, or if you're a Jehovah's Witness, a Latter-Day Saint, a Republican, a Conservative Democrat, or a member of any moronic religion, and you're without a sense of humor, I only have two words: Bite me. If you're a member of The Catholic League, or if you're Jehovah's Witness, a Latter-Day Saint, a Republican, a Conservative Democrat, or a member of any moronic religion, and you DO have a sense of humor, I have only two words: Bite me.
I will fuck every piece of pussy that flies, drives or rows their way into Minnesota to meet me, and then write an update about it
No more avoiding the update because someone's embarrassed to be written about online. If you wanna meet me, and you're gonna fuck me, people are gonna hear about it. I'm a man; we like to brag. Upon looking at this declaration, a year after writing it, I realize that I'm getting behind on these updates. I still have "The Old Lady From Canada Who Came All The Way To Minnesota To Prove Wrinkly Chicks Are Better At Sex," "The Automotive Sociopath From Wisconsin Who Came All The Way To Minnesota To Prove Motorheads Know How To Handle A Nozzle," and, "The Tattooed Chick Who Drove Across Minnesota Only To Prove Pot Really Does Make People Crazy." Wow - I'm a fucking whore!
I will be really happy if you take off your shirt and become the next Super Juicy Topless Girl
I've gotten pics of a lot of reader's breasts, but there hasn't been a SJTG in a while, and guys everywhere are in need of being saved. I have the update all written, and the gentleman who promised his girl would take the four photos needed disappeared the second I asked him to go through with it (one year later, and he STILL hasn't "reappeared"). The friend of mine that was gonna do it backed out because she thinks that she's fat. 2000 UPDATE: She's dropping pounds faster than I dropped the old lady from Canada! We just may be seeing some Super Juicy Topless Girl action from "Adriana," yet. In the meantime, fat girls, skinny girls, and girls with penises are welcome to audition. Haven't you always wanted to be a nude super-hero???
I will not put my picture up on this page
If you want to go to a page where the author is so damn egotistical and no-brained, all he or she can think of to do is put pictures up of him/herself, go for it, just don't expect it here. I don't like visiting homepages where there are pictures of the author (unless the author's female, and naked), and I really, REALLY wouldn't like writing one. The Juicy Cerebellum is a webpage/eZine, not my own personal photo album. If you want a picture of me, be the next SJTG, and maybe I'll get gooey enough to break my own policy. Boobs are my Kryptonite.
I will never make a "winking smiley" face on this page again
Except for this time. ;) Sorry.
If you're a midget, and I offended you, I do not apologize
Why should I? You're a fucking midget. I could kick you 2 or 3 yards, on a bad day.
I'm not laughing with you, I'm laughing at you
Get over yourself. The Juicy Cerebellum is an equal opportunity offender. If, one day, your country, state, galaxy, weight, sex, religion, race, hairstyle, music or favorite brand of tampon are made fun of, and it upsets you, go visit a more Politically Correct page. There's plenty of watered-down, piss-poor junk out there, visited by millions of boring citizens, every day! Just think, you might find someone so boring, they'll actually consider your droll personality and hyper-sensitivity appealing. You might even make a friend! If you have AOL, and never ruffle any feathers, and don't mind mindless plops of human sludge farted out of the heavens, you may discover an entire cyber-community just as lifeless as you!
I will not make more graphics for this page. If you want more graphics, make them yourself.
I wouldn't mind more, and/or better graphics on this page. If you're good at creating graphics, get in touch with me, and I'll tell you what I need and you can tell me what you have in mind. A new title graphic for this update couldn't hurt.
I will write back to every letter that is written to me, but I will not feel compelled to respond with a novel
A lot of you get pissed when I take 2 or 3 weeks to respond to something you have written me, and then I only write a brief email. Let me assure you, a short email isn't an insult, it's an effort. When I get a couple of weeks behind, which I oftentimes do, I'll have a few hundred personal emails to respond to. Even though I don't mind doing it, it can still be pretty time-consuming. Regardless, you WILL get a response, unless you're an obsessive ex, or a complete jackass. I love getting email, and I answer all letters in the order they are received. I don't give anyone priority, unless they have a vagina. Wanna see if I can keep my word? Email me. Any woman who sends in a few pictures of themselves topless, with the word, "JUICY" written on one boob, and "CEREBELLUM" written on the other will get a FREE Juicy Cerebellum T-Shirt and their picture(s) on this page. Be creative! On your stomach, below your "Juicy" and "Cerebellum" breasts, you could write, "RULES!" Or above your boobs it could read, "I love the". The fun never stops. YOU MUST BE 18 OR OLDER TO PARTICIPATE, AND YOU MUST AGREE TO ALLOW ANY AND ALL PICTURES YOU SEND IN TO BE USED ON THE JUICY CEREBELLUM, IF YOU WANT THE FREE SHIRT. THE FIRST FIVE WOMEN TO SEND IN THEIR PICTURES WILL GET A T-SHIRT PLUS A SIGNED AND NUMBERED COPY OF THE LIMITED EDITION PRINTING OF MY FIRST NOVEL, DEAD DOGS DON'T ROLL OVER 3 MONTHS BEFORE ITS SCHEDULED RELEASE DATE OF MAY, 2001!
I will not stop swearing simply because some freak tells me it makes me sound less intelligent
Of all the things that fucking annoy the fucking hell out of me, it's when some asshole tells me not to swear because it makes me appear fucking "dumb." its alwayz funny that theyre the ones not using any puctuaten or capitel leters and alwayz spel everything rong.
If I need money, I'm gonna ask for it
This page is a full-time job (especially in the year 2000, when I'm updating nearly 7 days a week). I don't get paid dick for it (although, on occasion, my dick may get sucked, because of it), and it pisses me off. I get email after email talking about this "great new CD," or "wonderful movie" somebody paid for, but yet, when I ask for a small donation to help keep the page the aforementioned person claims to love "more than anything" afloat, I get one of these three excuses; 1. "I'd love to support the page, but I'm just your typical broke teenager." 2. "I'd love to support the page, but I'm a college student, and you know we're always broke." or 3. "I'd love to support the page, but my husband just left me for my best friend's canine and I was abducted by a UFO, and they charged me by the hour. I owe them over $17,000,000 dollars." Number three seems to be the least common.
If you send an excuse, you're an idiot, and I'm gonna laugh at you
I want money, not excuses. If I had a dollar for every excuse I've been given, I wouldn't be asking for money in the first place. If you're not gonna send anything, don't feel obligated to make up a reason why. I've already heard it from some other tight-ass. If you can spare some cash for the hours of entertainment this page has provided you, send it to:
PO Box 331
Alexandria, MN 56308
Photographs of your cross-dressing dog DO NOT count as a contribution! That dog below, the one that they made look like a GIRL . . . it has a penis! Now that's perverted!!!
If you didn't like me asking for money up above, I don't want to hear about it
No one's making you send money, and no one's forcing you to read this page. If you don't like how I run it, go find another page to suck off of. Public TV (which makes millions) asks for money every month or two. I ask maybe, MAYBE twice a year (and I get sent contributions about half that many times). If it "gets your goat," take a Valium and shut the hell up. If you're suffering from a guilt-complex, don't let me know about it. It's bad enough you're taking advantage of the fact that I let this page remain free and without advertisers. I've been offered plenty of banner-ads from greedy corporations that wanted to ALTER the content of this page. One was willing to pay me $2,500.00 a month, for SIX months, guaranteed. That "one" also wanted to CONTROL what I put up, and wanted me to REMOVE certain updates that were already online. Is this the Cerebellum you want? One that conforms for money? I didn't think so. Send me some cash, or this site WILL die. I'll never sell it out, but I will be forced to close it down, if something doesn't start happening REALLY soon. (A sponsor who will NOT control the page, or some cool fans who LIKE the page enough to send $20.00 or $30.00 bucks.)
If you're a rich person and you send me some story about fishing, I'm going to kill you
Believe it or not, there's a lot of rich folk reading my page. With exception made for one of them that sent me $100.00, and another who sent $20.00, they are the cheapest readers I have. Instead of sending money, they keep emailing me this story about how they won't give me a fish cuz they need me to learn how to fish instead so I can have lots of fish. I think this FISH STORY must be taught to every rich person, just in case someone asks them to lend a hand. If I ever hear this fishy shit from a rich person again, I'll blow their greedy heads off and "fish" through their wallets, while they lie there on their marble floor, dead. You can't take it with you, money man.
I will not give you extra attention because I think you're hot, and you might sleep with me
Okay, I made that one up.
©2000 Alex Sandell [All Rights Reserved]. I will not give someone who steals my work a break, unless it's to their legs, arms, neck or back.
email alex at email@example.com.
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