It's that time of year again, the time when I explain to the totally Juicy newcomers to this site what the page is all about, and refresh the memories of the old folk who have been visiting since day one. This is my third "Manifesto," and it goes far more in-depth than any that came before it. This one contains valuable information, and previously unknown secrets, about the page, that even the most diehard Juicy fan wasn't aware of.
I've been getting a lot of new readers at the page, lately, and they've been emailing me the same "uh . . . your poem about that chick dumping you was nice, but I thought this was a movie page" type comments that I get whenever somebody new drops in at Juicy-World for a visit. Again, the time has come to make everything clear. Here's the Manifesto, Version 3.0. Have fun!
Written by: Alex Sandell
How do I make The Juicy Cerebellum look like it's supposed to look?
This site DOES NOT LOOK RIGHT on any browser other than Internet Explorer. Ugly naked women DO NOT LOOK RIGHT without beer goggles.
To my absolute horror, I have discovered that over the past 4 and a half years almost NONE of you have viewed the Cerebellum correctly. Sure, the site's ugly in the first place, and tweaking it is about as productive as putting makeup on a monkey, but if you follow these simple rules, the page WILL look better, and you'll get to see it the way I envisioned it. First of all, if the font you're looking at , you don't have the "Andy" font on your computer, and you've been viewing all of my updates with the horrible "Times New Roman" font. The other fonts I use, in some of my updates, are the "Bloody" font, which you can see up above, in the title graphic, and the "Ren and Stimpy" font, which is what I typed the "2001" in, in the title graphic. I also use, on occasion, the "Ransom" font. , you don't have the "Ransom" font, and need to download it, along with the "Andy" font, the "Ren and Stimpy" font, the "Bloody" font and, the last font, which I haven't mentioned yet, the This update is currently written in the "Andy" font. If you're reading it in the "Times New Roman" or "default" font, you're a pathetic loser, and aren't worthy of being called "Juicy." Downloading and installing these fonts is incredibly easy (and only takes a few minutes). I'd tell you how, but I figured it out on my own, so I'm assuming you can do the same thing. I never, ever, with possible exception made to "never," use the "Times New Roman" or "Default" font. So, if an update is written in that, you can rest comfortably knowing that you aren't using the right damn font, and your Juicy experience has been rendered entirely inadequate.
DRUGS AND ALCOHOL:
The Juicy Cerebellum is meant to be viewed while you are stoned or drunk. If you're viewing this page sober, you'll remember it in the morning, and then you'll have no reason to come back and read what you read one day earlier, again. That costs me valuable hits on my counter. So, please, the first time you read an update on this page, read it when you're totally blitzed, and then come back and read it again sober, and tell me what you think.
ROSE COLORED GLASSES:
Are not needed to view this page. If you view the world through rose colored glasses, the stuff I write about is gonna shatter your lenses, and then you'll blame me, get all pissed off, and won't be so fucking "rosy" anymore. I guess I did my job.
These are questions I'm asked a minimum of 3 times a week by inquisitive Juicy readers. I decided to answer them here, since MAPS says every email costs us like $353.74 to send, or something like that. I'm determined to conserve, so Paul Vixie can get the online monopoly that he desires!
Q: Is this a movie page? A poetry page? What is it???
A: This page is what I make of it. I know that I'm supposed to be all touchy-feeling and say that it's what "you" make of it, but, frankly, I don't give a flying rat banana what YOU make of it. If you like it, that's great. If you don't, go away. I will not stick exclusively to movies, satire, comedy, poems, politics, novels, or history just to get a large following of fans who are only interested in boring, one-topic websites, and, even more importantly, a good selection of chicken-shit advertisers who are too scared to advertise to an audience they can't catalog, serialize and divide up into tidy little groups. I like the readers I have now, because they have an open mind (most of them), and they don't wait for the next thing that was just like the last thing to come on my page, they wait for the next thing that drives the last thing into the dust. Even though I do love all my readers as much as Jesus hated razors, I will not avoid a certain subject in fear of what one of those precious readers might think. If I want to spend 3 weeks writing about the midget I met at Texaco, and a certain reader doesn't want to hear about it, that reader should probably find another page to visit for the next 21 days, because all the hatemail in the world won't convince me to change what I'm writing about.
Q: What's the deal with midgets?
A: They're short, and you can pretend that they're a child, and kick them, and not get charged with child abuse.
Q: Do you still respond to every email you receive?
A: Unfortunately, no. There have been a lot of people writing to me under 3 or 4 email addresses, pretending to be people that they're not. This got on my nerves. Now I'm super paranoid and have locked myself into my broom closet, where I'm fed baking soda and chunky soy milk. With all this soda and soy consumption, I do not have time to respond to every email that I get. I do still respond to emails that I don't feel are faked, and emails that actually have something intelligent to say, or something that captivates me (even if it's dumb). I also respond to any email with a girl that writes "Juicy Cerebellum" on her tits, takes a few pictures, and sends them to me. I particularly enjoy that sort of email. Helps me get through my lonely days in the broom closet. Also gives me a way to refill my carton of chunky soy milk.
Q: Where do you get those cool titles for updates?
A: Usually a six-pack of beer and handful of prescription drugs.
Q: Do you get paid for this?
A: No, I've actually probably spent over $1,000 to keep this page going over the past half decade.
Q: How old are you?
A: Old enough to be your brother.
Q: Why do you always put down Republicans but never attack Democrats?
A: I take it you haven't read all of my rants against Joseph Lieberman (Democrat Senator from Connecticut).
Q: Do you ever think of going into stand-up comedy for a living?
A: No. I'm too scared people will laugh at what I'm saying.
Q: Why aren't there topless women on your page anymore?
A: The answer to that is down below. (Although all the women, with exception to two that I got mad at, are still on the page. You just need to know where to look.)
Q: Do you like politics or movies better?
A: I probably spend more time on politics, but movies bring me more pleasure. You were referring to porno's, right?
Q: Are you anti-social?
Q: Am I just being another stupid fan?
Q: How much hatemail do you get a week?
A: More than you.
Q: Are you always this angry?
Q: Are you always this funny?
A: Only when I'm not feeling this angry.
And now, the Manifesto, Version 3.0!
I will not avoid satirizing, criticizing or blaming certain political groups or religious organizations in fear of one of them getting angry
So, if you're a member of The Catholic League, or if you're a Jehovah's Witness, a Latter-Day Saint, a Republican, a Conservative Democrat, or a member of any moronic religion, and you're without a sense of humor, I only have two words: Bite me. If you're a member of The Catholic League, or if you're Jehovah's Witness, a Latter-Day Saint, a Republican, a Conservative Democrat, or a member of any moronic religion, and you DO have a sense of humor, I have only two words: Bite me. If you're a Christian midget, I have only one reminder: I can kick you, and it won't be counted as child abuse!
*UPDATED FOR 2001* I will fuck every piece of pussy that flies, drives or rows their way into Minnesota to meet me, and then write an update about it *UPDATED FOR 2001*
I've sorta mellowed on this one since last year. I've met a couple girls in the past 10 months who are fans of this page, but I didn't have sex with either of them (even though one of them was so hot, I got a big boner when she gave me a hug). I also am starting to respect a woman more if she says that she doesn't want an update written about her. I have enough problems of my own to write about, I don't really need anybody else added into the mix. I AM still behind on the updates I was going to write last year about the chicks who came and let me insert penis A into Vagina B. I really don't care what any of them think, since I basically hate every one of them. I have "The Old Lady From Canada Who Came All The Way To Minnesota To Prove Wrinkly Chicks Are Better At Sex," and "The Automotive Sociopath From Wisconsin Who Came All The Way To Minnesota To Prove Motorheads know How To Handle A Nozzle." Looking back on it, I can't believe what a whore I was, even touching these women in "naughty" spots. Although, I'm gonna admit, I'm still sorta head over heels over one of them. I won't say which one, cuz I don't want to hurt the other one's feelings. I guess I'm growing up, since I'm seriously starting to look more for a real relationship. Yes, I actually feel like falling in love again. It's been so long since the last time I was genuinely in love, that I've sorta forgotten what a bitch it is to love somebody; therefore, I must jump into the fire again, and remind myself. My cock still throbs, and I still want all these girls who come and visit me, but I resist the temptation, hoping that our relationship will blossom into a big sappy romance before we have sex. Unfortunately, this hasn't happened yet. Probably because I wanted to videotape the last girl who came here peeing on the floor, after I found out you can get paid a lot of money for videos like that (plus, the hotel we stayed at sucked, and I thought a little pee on the floor wouldn't hurt anything).
*UPDATED FOR 2001* I will not put my picture up on this page *UPDATED FOR 2001*
If you want to go to a page where the author is so damn egotistical and no-brained, all he or she can think of to do is put pictures up of him/herself, go for it, just don't expect it here. I don't like visiting homepages where there are pictures of the author (unless the author's female, and naked), and I really, REALLY wouldn't like writing one. The Juicy Cerebellum is a webpage/eZine, not my own personal photo album. If you want a picture of me, be the next Juicy gets Juicy Girl, and maybe I'll get gooey enough to break my own policy. Boobs are my Kryptonite. It has been 10 FRIGGIN' MONTHS since the last JGJ Girl! If I didn't go crazy and delete the last two, it would have only been 5 months, but 5 months is still a long time. Are you women so scared of your own bodies?!? It's just your chest, for Christ's sake. I'll put my fucking chest on the page, for all I care. Jeepers.
If you're a midget, and I offended you, I do not apologize
Why should I? You're a fucking midget. I could kick you 2 or 3 yards, on a bad day.
*UPDATED FOR 2001* I'm not laughing with you, I'm laughing at you *UPDATED FOR 2001*
Get over yourself. The Juicy Cerebellum is an equal opportunity offender. If, one day, your country, state, galaxy, weight, sex, religion, race, hairstyle, music or favorite brand of tampon are made fun of, and it upsets you, go visit a more Politically Correct page. There are plenty of watered-down, piss-poor pages out there (you know? The ones who get about one million petty slimeball American viewers per day?). Just think, you might find someone so boring, they'll actually consider your droll personality and hyper-sensitivity appealing. You might even make a friend (but only if both of you are in touch with your "feelings"). If you have AOL, and never ruffle any feathers, and don't mind mindless plops of human sludge farted out of the heavens, you may discover an entire cyber-community just as lifeless as you!
*UPDATED FOR 2001* I will not make more graphics for this page. If you want more graphics, make them yourself *UPDATED FOR 2001*
No longer true. It still holds true that if you're good at creating graphics (which, apparently, 99.99999997% of you aren't), get in touch with me, and I'll tell you what I need and you can tell me what you have in mind. A new title graphic for this update couldn't hurt. AND THAT'S WHY I DID IT! It's been a year. C'mon, I didn't get one single person sending me a new graphic. I finally just made one on my own. Sure, it's no classic, but it's the best I could do on short notice (a year is "short notice," right?). Did I mention that rectums actually vibrate when a person farts?
*NEW FOR 2001* I will write back to some of the emails that are written to me *NEW FOR 2001*
I love getting email, but I am getting too much to be able to respond to it all. I also have to admit that I no longer answer emails in the order they were received. I will answer emails that grab my attention before boring emails that tell me that I'm a "big dumbass," or something. I avoid responding to most hatemail, because it's usually non-productive, and doesn't even let me know why the person hates me. Although, some of the hatemail, just because of how loony it is, has inspired me to type out a letter. I give 2 things top priority, when it comes to getting out a quick response: 1. a vagina 2. a brain (the two RARELY go together). Wanna see if you make the cut? Email me. Any woman who sends in a few pictures of themselves topless, with the word, "JUICY" written on one boob, and "CEREBELLUM" written on the other will get a FREE Juicy Cerebellum T-Shirt (although I am running EXTREMELY low on this shirts, so you might wanna hurry), and their picture(s) (I don't include the woman's face, unless she wants me to) on this page. Be creative! On your stomach, below your "Juicy" and "Cerebellum" breasts, you could write, "RULES!" Or above your boobs it could read, "I love the". The fun never stops. YOU MUST BE 18 OR OLDER TO PARTICIPATE, AND YOU MUST AGREE TO ALLOW ANY AND ALL PICTURES YOU SEND IN TO BE USED ON THE JUICY CEREBELLUM, IF YOU WANT THE FREE SHIRT. When the shirts are gone, they're gone. I have about 15 left. You might wanna get over your modesty and hurry. I won't be printing any more of these.
I will not stop swearing simply because some freak tells me it makes me sound less intelligent
Of all the things that fucking annoy the fucking hell out of me, it's when some asshole tells me not to swear because it makes me appear fucking "dumb." its alwayz funny that their the ones not usin' any puctuaten or capitel leters and alwayz spel everything rong.
If I need money, I'm gonna ask for it
This page is a full-time job (especially in the year 2001, when I'm updating at least 4 out of 7 days a week). I don't get paid dick for it, and it pisses me off. I get email after email talking about this "great new CD," or "wonderful movie" somebody paid for, but yet, when I ask for a small donation to help keep the page the aforementioned person claims to love "more than anything" afloat, I get one of these three excuses; 1. "I'd love to support the page, but I'm just your typical broke teenager." 2. "I'd love to support the page, but I'm a college student, and you know we're always broke." or 3. "I'd love to support the page, but my husband just left me for my best friend's canine and I was abducted by a UFO, and they charged me by the hour. I owe them over $17,000,000 dollars." Number three seems to be the least common, although, it makes me sorta horny.
If you send an excuse, you're an idiot, and I'm gonna laugh at you
I want money, not excuses. If I had a dollar for every excuse I've been given, I wouldn't be asking for money in the first place. If you're not gonna send anything, don't feel obligated to make up a reason why. I've already heard it from some other tight-ass. If you can spare some cash for the hours of entertainment this page has provided you, send it to:
If you didn't like me asking for money up above, I don't want to hear about it
No one's making you send money, and no one's forcing you to read this page. If you don't like how I run The Juicy Cerebellum, go find another page to suck off of. Public TV (which makes millions) asks for money every month or two. I ask maybe, MAYBE twice a year (and I get sent contributions about half that many times). If it "gets your goat," overdose on Paxil and shut the hell up. If you're suffering from a guilt-complex, don't let me know about it. It's bad enough you're taking advantage of the fact that I let this page remain free and without advertisers. I've been offered plenty of banner-ads from greedy corporations that wanted to ALTER the content of this page. One was willing to pay me $2,500.00 a month, for SIX months, guaranteed. That "one" also wanted to CONTROL what I put up, and wanted me to REMOVE certain updates that were already online. Is this the Cerebellum you want? One that conforms for money? I didn't think so. Send me some cash, or this site WILL die (seriously, dammit. Do you think I just say this stuff for attention?). I'll never sell it out, but I will be forced to close it down, if something doesn't start happening REALLY soon. (A sponsor who will NOT control the page, or some cool fans who LIKE the page enough to send $20.00 or $30.00 bucks.)
If you're a rich person and you send me some story about fishing, I'm going to kill you
Believe it or not, there are a lot of rich folk reading my page. With exception made for one of them that sent me $100.00, and another who sent $20.00, they are the cheapest readers I have. Instead of sending money, they keep emailing me this story about how they won't give me a fish cuz they need me to learn how to fish instead so I can have lots of fish. I think this FISH STORY must be taught to every rich person, just in case someone asks them to lend a hand. If I ever hear this fishy shit from a rich person again, I'll blow their greedy heads off and "fish" through their wallets, while they lie there on their marble floor, dead. You can't take it with you, money man.
I will not give you extra attention because I think you're hot, and you might sleep with me
Okay, I made that one up.
©2001 Alex Sandell [All Rights Reserved]. Three's a charm. I hope this update makes the page better for you, and makes it more financially stable for me.
email alex at email@example.com
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