The Sandell Show
Written by: Alex Sandell
Epilepsy. High Cholesterol. Sleep Apnea. Rheumatoid Arthritis. Brain Atrophy. My physical health and my mental self are a living, breathing contradiction. I need to leave an online session of Gears of War early because I'm suffering from excruciating arthritic pain. I can't review the movie I saw last week and fell in love with because my atrophying brain has already forgotten huge chunks of the plot. I get carded buying a 4-pack of Guinness Stout, but my doctor calls me saying that I can't drink it because my liver function tests show that my levels are "significantly elevated" due to my seizure meds.
In the next 2 weeks I have 6 different appointments. 1 with a heart specialist to see if we need to proceed with stress tests and angiograms to see if my arteries are clogged. 1 for my "abnormally high cholesterol." 1 with a dietician, who will see if she/he can help me lower my abnormally high cholesterol. 1 with a neurologist to decide if I need to switch meds due to my elevated liver functions. 1 for a sleep study related to my sleep apnea. And finally a follow-up with my regular doctor. Doctor appointments have went from a nuisance to a full-time job. I'd rather clean the toilets in an Irish pub with a toothbrush and my tongue than walk into another fucking clinic -- but knowing my luck I'd contract Hepatitis and would have another affliction to deal with on a regular basis.
I'm like all 13 seasons worth of E.R. rolled into one. With a little Gray's Anatomy (minus the homophobe) and Scrubs thrown in for good measure. If I were up during the day, you could add General Hospital to the list. If the networks could broadcast me, I'd make them a fortune. Screw The Truman Show -- The Sandell Show would have people on the edge of their seats and coming back for more, day in and day out. The only downside would be that, in my fragile condition, the show could be prematurely canceled at any time. But imagine the drama!
"This week on The Sandell Show, Alex decides to see if he can overcome the sexual lethargy caused by the 7 prescription drugs he's on and have sex with a real live girl for the first time in over 6 months! Even if 'it' works, can Sandell find a woman that wants to work with it? Tune in Friday at 10 PM to find out!" "Tomorrow on The Sandell Show, Alex tries to type a review for Black Snake Moan! Will he get to his computer on time to write the review, before he forgets the movie? Unless you're an Alex, you won't forget to tune in at 10 AM for a special Saturday morning show!" "Don't miss next Sunday's episode of The Sandell Show! when Alex forgets whether or not he took his morning dose of epilepsy medication! Did he remember, or will we see him fall into an epileptic fit? Watch to find out or miss out on what your friends will be discussing over the water-cooler on Monday morning!"
So that's my life as an 80-year-old in a 30-year-old's body, encapsulated in brief TV Guide summaries for your convenience. I feel like a character from one of those Movies of the Week that were so popular in the 80s where some kid prematurely ages due to some premature aging disease and looks like he's 100 years old when he's really like 10. Except I don't look older than I am (hopefully) -- I just feel older. So what now? What would you do? Throw in the towel and push up the daisies? Keep popping your prescribed pills and hitting up all the creepy clinics to keep your dying body pumping blood? Me? I'm gonna go drink a beer, play some Gears and deal with the consequences tomorrow, if tomorrow ever comes.
Really, what would you do? Email me to let me know!
©2007 Alex Sandell/Cerebellum inc. [All Rights Reserved]. Copy this, without my permission, and I'll probably forget. Luckily, my lawyer will remember and he likes money like cats like nip!