Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the White House . . .
in association with Cerebellum Productions,
and sponsored in part by Kenneth Starr,
three women in Bill Clinton's life
Written by: Alex Sandell
Paula Jones. Kathleen Willey. Monica Lewinsky. The very names send chills down your spine. Paula Jones, the girl with the "perfect" timing. Monica Lewinsky, a proverbial timebomb. Kathleen Willey, came just in the nick of time.
What is not
known to most of the mainstream media, is that these aren't the
only three women out there with their eyes set on
contracts revealing the truth. There are three
more. The other three women in Bill Clinton's life.
Ava H., Tina J., and Mary Tyler M..
Oddly enough, all three women were found living in Salem Massachusetts. Tobacco attorney, and lawyer behind both Monica Lewinsky and Kathleen Willey's accusations, Kenneth Starr, told The Juicy Cerebellum, in an exclusive interview, "while vacationing in Salem, I just happened to wander across three very distraught women. The moment I laid eyes on them, I thought one thing . . . Bill. Sure enough, once I calmed their nerves by getting them loaded, and got them to confess to their traumatic past, by offering them shitloads of money, I found out I was right. Bill was indeed involved, and up to his old tricks."
What you are about to read will stun you, but it needs to be read. Below are the initial testimonies, recorded on tape in the "Wa-hoo, Wa-hoo" bar, earlier this evening, and sent priority mail to "Hard Copy" seconds later, by Kenneth Starr. All three women have a sad, scary story to tell, and today is their day to tell it. The book contracts will roll in tomorrow.
"It was at a pep-rally, is that what they're called? When the President comes through town and tries to get voters, and all those red, white and blue balloons go flying all over? I was standing right in the middle of the crowd, about 2 blocks away from Clinton, and he looked at me."
"Fucking I hate fucking narrow-minded people. I think that people that don't accept another's opinion should be shot in the fucking head. To each their own, you know? You're ugly, Kenny. I think you're ugly. I'm 23. I'm fucking famous. Did I mention I'm famous? I'm a feminist. Did you know the networks are free, and they still make like a million dollars, or something? I smoke pot. How do the networks do that? I wonder if they're feminists. WHAT?!? I don't like when people don't accept my opinion, Mr. Starr. Fuck off and die, if that's how it is. I find I'm extremely brave and daring, but I won't ever gather enough courage to let anyone know my last name. Fucking independent, that's what I am. I'm not naked, though. I wish I was. I don't need a last name. "J" has a nice ring, doesn't it? I think stupid people are dumb, you know? They say things I don't understand. Clinton? He was the first president, right? Fucking Clinton, that's right! I remember meeting him. The conservative bastard. I think he's a witch. I really do. I think he cast a spell on my vagina. Can I say "vagina?" Anyway, he cast a spell on it. It itched for nearly a month. Fucking I met him and we, fuck. I'm always right." (Kenneth Starr would like it to be noted that Tina J. has a "slight" tourette's problem, and is borderline retarded. Plus, she's a man.)
Mary Tyler M.:
"It was in the summer of ninety-tree when I first met up with President Clinton. Did I say 'tree?' I meant 'three.' How strong are these drinks, anyway? I have to go pee."
©1998 Alex Sandell [all rights reserved]. If you copy this, you'll be damned with Bill's taste in women.
Damn that Clinton's a pervert. Send me back to the "Table of Brains!"