Me On Monica
(No Pun Intended)
Written by: Alex Sandell

Didn't it seem eerie how Monica kept giggling over her escapes with the president? She starts her overly long interview with Barbara Walters out by apologizing to Chelsea, Hillary and the Country, and then spends the next two hours laughing over all the good times she and Bill had. "I showed him my butt-thong, hehehehehehehe." "He thought it was sexy, hehehehehehehe." "I didn't wipe beforehand, hahahahahahaha." I was becoming frightened. Those lopsided teeth popping out of two lips covered in glimmering makeup, that pink tongue bobbing up and down with each breath of laughing gas; I just kept thinking, "the president put his dick inside of that thing". It kind of grossed me out, much in the same way I look at a piece of crap and say, "that thing just came out of me." Gross like Monica, whose plea for sympathy didn't work for a second.

Poor little rich girl with a thing for married men. She claims she "was" attracted to married men because, as a big blob of lard, she felt she should come in second. I think she was just interested in coming (okay, that was a cheap shot, but at least it wasn't cheap). I don't think it was a "gigantic glob of shit in need of some lovin" issue, it was more "the rich bitch looking for a power trip" sort of thing. Her dad was already some overpaid cancer doctor who was about the right age, but, unfortunately, they were related, so she couldn't use him to her advantage. Bill Clinton, on the other-hand, was the President. She could probably get something out of him (some of it is on her infamous dress). Presidency is a pretty good job, if you can get it.

So she sucked and blew her way into history. An interview with that exploitative Walters chick. A book deal. A new ultra-rich boyfriend. She seemingly has it all. Sadly, respect and intelligence didn't come along with the package, and those are the two things that she obviously wants the most.

At least two times (it may have been more, I got caught up in a nine-year-old episode of "Star Trek: The Next Generation". It was the one where Data gets laid.) she mentioned how "intelligent" she thought she was. It's lucky somebody thinks it, even if it is only her. I guess Bill told her she was pretty smart, too, but "that was just pillow talk, baby".

Monica did nothing during the two hours to show she had more intelligence than the average baboon, and proved that she had a lot less common-sense and ability to comprehend issues larger than her (if getting "larger" than her is even a possibility). She giggled incessantly, like a schoolgirl who's gotten laid once too while sniffing pipe-cleaner. She used a couple big words her agents taught her prior to the show. She had a few drab metaphors which we've all heard a thousand times. She described herself as "seductive", in lieu of using the word "slut" 20 or 30 times. Oh, and a book's coming out. 20/20 and Barbara Walters just had to mention that (although, Monica wasn't paid for the interview, and Barb could ask her "anything", none of which was actually asked).

Which brings me to "Babs". Will this manipulative egotist ever die, or at least retire? What a joke this woman is. She's like 970 years old, wrinkly and downright annoying, but she considers herself to be the strongest voice in American journalism. People on Monica's "side" are saying she (Monica) did great being that she's "only" 25 and went up against the almighty Barbara Walters. I'm guessing Monica was simply trying to hit on a rich and powerful female who's in the right age group, just in case she needs to go lesbian. 1 in 4 men become limp by the time they reach 40, you know?

Which finally brings me to Bill. What a pussy. Hiding behind a moron to disguise his idiocy. After seeing just how fucking dumb Monica is, I think all the less of Bill and his "intelligence" (maybe we should call it "artificial-intelligence"). If you're gonna have an affair, Bill, at least find someone with half a brain and a butt that doesn't swallow its thong so deep that it looks like Jabba the Hutt using dental-floss. Yikes. What a moron this president is. Hillary had some good ideas with her universal health care plan (which failed miserably, mostly due to Republicans and their ridiculous fear of anything which is even remotely moral), but what has Bill done for us lately?

I dunno. At least he's better than the last couple of presidents America's had. He beats the living crap outta Ken Starr. So, I guess he's something more than the nothing which is lower than him. I just kind of wish we'd get a real liberal in office, and all the conservatives would spontaneously combust. Then we'd go about our day happily, without worrying about all these issues that currently plague us. A president could do his job and Monica Lewinsky would be an unemployed intern living in her dad's stinky basement.

(Copyright) 1999 Alex Sandell [All Rights Reserved]. If you copy this, without my permission, I'll throw your ass into a thong and call it Jabba the Hutt.

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