MOTLEY ART SHIT

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"Someone's gonna quit, or someone's gonna die, we don't give a shit cuz we're busy getting high.
Another lawsuit, another arrest, we wouldn't change a thing cuz we love it to death."   
Motley Crue:

Saints of Los Angeles

Imagine it's 1989. Motley Crue have just had their first # 1 album with the release of Dr. Feelgood (while Shout at the Devil, Theatre of Pain and Girls, Girls, Girls were all huge -- they weren't # 1). Their tour -- which was fucking incredible -- sold out worldwide. The band was at the top of their game. Nothing could stop them. Just like Guns N' Roses! 

Maybe too close to Guns N' Roses for comfort.

Motley, like GnR, let fame go to their heads and split apart at the height of their commercial and critical success. And though Motley kept going in one form or another over the following years, most of what they did sucked. First they got some singer that didn't fit their style and turned themselves into a wanna-be grunge band. When that didn't work, they brought Vince back but their 1997 "reunion" album, Generation Swine was written -- in large part -- by their other singer. And that REALLY didn't work. It sounded like a bad (worse?) Alice in Chains with Sebastian Bach on lead vocals. As any sane man would expect, it bombed.

Where did the reunited foursome go from there? Well, Tommy Lee didn't go away mad -- Tommy Lee just went away (and made crappy rap albums). Nikki Sixx wrote a bunch of half-assed remakes of old Crue songs and released the album New Tattoo in 2000, with a new drummer. All New Tattoo did was prove that the boys weren't the boys if any of the boys were missing (as the boys themselves used to say, before they uncerimoniously kicked Vince out of the band). The album bombed and Motley toured clubs and then officially broke up. You can now buy New Tattoo used for .32 cents. No. I'm not kidding.

All seemed lost, but then some guy decided if something like 2 billion people signed a petition saying they wanted a reunion the band would get back together and tour again. Vince Neil signed the petition 2 billion times between eating Big Macs and history was made. All four members were back and ready to tour. They were even going to write a couple of new songs for a greatest hits album. 

The greatest hits album, Red, White and Crue was released in 2005. But since Mick was dead (he's since been reincarnated and is back with the band), some session musician played lead guitar on the new songs. Again the four members weren't together for any new material. But at least the concert was good (no Girls, Girls, Girls or Dr. Feelgood, but it was entertaining). 

Fuck tours, though. Fans wanted a brand new, full-length CD with all four members of Motley Crue playing and writing the songs. In a year it'd be two fucking decades since that happened and that's two decades too long. So did they pull it off? Is this the Crue fans knew, loved and then forgot about as they approached middle-age? Only one way to answer that, and that's by doing my famous song-by-song review of the album itself, Saints of Los Angeles.

LAMF:
"Some will hit their knees, in a rancid act of desperation. While others search for a hopeless God to save them." This isn't really a song but more like the "In the Beginning" thing that introduced Shout at the Devil. Sort of Satanic sounding and evil. I can just see the pentagrams swirling around the band as they descend into the pits of Hell (and/or L.A.). Like I said, it isn't a song but it sets the mood nicely.

7 (on a scale of 1-10, 10 being the best.  And, if you didn't know that 10 is the best, you should probably go blow your brains out.)

Face Down in the Dirt:
"I wanna bang a million girls. I don't wanna wear a 3-piece suit. I don't wanna be you. I'd rather be dead. I'd rather be face down in the dirt with a bullet in my head." From the opening whispers of, "It's a dirty job, but someone's gotta do it" to Tommy Lee's wild trademark drumming and nearly slam-pit ready tone of the song, this one screams, "Motley fucking Crue is back -- didja miss us?!?" Less than a minute in I realized the answer was, "Fuck yes! Welcome back!"

9

What's it Gonna Take:
"I'm a sorry mother-fucker, tired of livin' in the gutter -- get me outta here!" Motley Crue have never been known for being great lyricists, but the words in this one are really pedestrian. The song is too damn slow, too. Not terrible, but one a hell of a let-down after "Face Down in the Dirt."

6

Down at the Whisky:
"Do you remember when we were on the run? Got loaded like a shotgun? Living out our dreams down at The Whisky." This one's technically slower than the one before it, but it's much, much better. Sounds a lot like something off Too Fast For Love (my favorite Motley Crue album) without sounding like it's ripping off anything from Too Fast For Love. So catchy it could start a fucking plague.

10

Saints of Los Angeles:
"Red line, tripping on a land mine -- sipping at the Troubadour. Girls passed out, naked in the back lounge, everybody's gonna score!"  This is the best hair-metal song to be released in a long fucking time. Maybe since the heyday of this stuff back in the 80's. Yep -- it's basically "Too Young to Fall in Love" mixed with "Dr. Feelgood" but when it sounds this good, who's gonna care? By the 2nd or 3rd time you hear it, you'll be too busy singing along to even notice. And Motley hasn't had any classic casual rape lyrics since Ten Seconds to Love. Nothing like a good casual rape lyric. Am I right? C'mon -- who's with me? *Bows head in shame*

10

Mutherfucker of the Year:

"Call me the jackal in heat. The blackest cat on the street. You better watch yourself. A hand grenade with no pin. A razor blade going in. I'm going straight to Hell. I'm the mutherfucker of the year!" This one doesn't live up to the potential of its title. Nothing could follow "Saints of Los Angeles," but this one isn't even trying. The chorus is draggy and sounds like Vince swallowed a bottle of Valium before singing. Not horrible, but too close to the shit found on Generation Swine. 

6

The Animal in Me:
"The chills keep shootin' down the back of my neck, like a freight train pounding in the pit of my chest. When I got a taste of you, I found something I could sink my teeth into." What the hell is this? A ballad about heroin addiction? Motley Crue's brain on sedatives? One of the most boring songs ever written by the guys. Only Mick's typically understated guitar solo saves it from getting a 1 out of 10.

3

Welcome to the Machine:
"Rotten to the core. Kick your ass, like a whore. Want a hit -- you need more!" This one's a much needed kick in the nuts after the last two slower-paced numbers. Love the guitar in this one (the basic riff and the exceedingly brief solo). It's almost punk rock. Almost. Only problem is the chorus isn't as good as the rest of the song. That usually goes the other way.

8

Just Another Psycho:
"I don't need a reason to hurt you just for fun. I terrorize your perfect life, you better run." Tries too hard and suffers from that twangy slow-pace that puts it in the Generation Swine realm that I hate to be reminded of. It's better than 99% of what's on Generation Swine, but I can't stand being reminded that that album ever existed. 

6

Chicks = Trouble:
"I know I shouldn't say it, but truth be told, I really thought that pussy was gold. They never said I could catch this from a centerfold. I got it bad and the doctor said I should've known." This is another slam-pit ready song full of frantic off-the-wall energy (it'd be funny to see the 40-year-old Motley fans breaking their legs trying to slam-dance). A nice sexist anthem, too. We don't get enough of those in rock, these days. Just in rap. Bitches iz tha suck, yo.

8

This Ain't a Love Song:
"She said, 'Turn it up so fucking loud that I can't hear my mind.' She get down on the bedpost and I watch Suzy grind. This ain't a love song. This is a fuck song. Don't have to sing along." If those slam-dancing 40 year olds pop a Viagra before the concert, they'll be yelling along with the chorus to this song like they would have 20 years ago, when they were young. This is a rock and roll anthem and one of the most memorable tunes on the entire CD. I don't want to think about what would happen when the song ends and all those old guys have boners for middle-aged fat chicks in leopard-print 80's spandex revealing their vericose veins. *Shudder*

10

White Trash Circus:
"I opened up a bottle and fell out of bed. I couldn't find the floor 'til it hit me in the head. Someone's gonna quit, or someone's gonna die, we don't give a shit cuz we're busy getting high. Another lawsuit, another arrest, we wouldn't change a thing cuz we love it to death." Nice groove thang this one's got going on. Won't get you slam-dancing, but will get your toes tapping (or head banging). 

8

Goin' Out Swingin':

"Goin' out, goin' out, goin' out swingin'!" If Motley can keep making albums like this one, I hope that they're not going to be goin' anywhere (outside of on tour) for a long time. This one has the energy of "Live Wire" from Too Fast For Love. That's a good thing (suddenly I sound like Martha fucking Stewart). It's not as good as "Live Wire," but that song was written by a bunch of hungry fucking kids nearly 30 years ago. Who woulda thought a bunch of comfortable old d00ds could get this close 3 decades later? Thanks for the ride, guys!

9

OVERALL RATING - Motley Crue's Saints of Los Angeles gets an average of 7.7 Juicy squirts out of a possible 10 ejaculations. Or, 4 stars out of 5! I admit I was losing faith in the Crue releasing a kick ass album of all new material ever again, but this one did the job. It could have been released in 1991 as the follow-up to Dr. Feelgood and held up as a damn good Motley Crue record. That, my friends, is one huge swollen cock of a compliment. 

Now go, metalheads young and old, and buy this disc!

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Everything outside of the Saints of Los Angeles album cover and quoted lyrics are copyright ©2008 Alex Sandell [All Rights Reserved].  Copy this, without my permission, and I'll get you drunk and rape you.

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