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Redefining
Blogging, Film Criticism and Life in General
Ladies and Gentlemen,
Your God...
For
11 years, The
Juicy Cerebellum has been a thorn in the side of
mediocrity. Our authors never pander to any studio, audience
or clique. People may not agree with all that is said at this
site, but we've found that they generally respect what we're
saying. And if they don't? We could give a shit less. Upon
being introduced to The Juicy Cerebellum, and its
renegade style of writing, the majority of individuals (was that an
oxymoron?) trust the site like no other. We will never be
bought off, we will never sell ourselves out, and we will never, ever
lie to our loyal readers. The Juicy Cerebellum:
Redefining the Internet since March 14th, 1997.
02/22/10
With This Ring, I Thee Bed: Purple Penises, Pony-Tail Holders & Poetic Justice
"She
spit, lubed, tugged and pulled until my dick felt like it was going to explode.
Not in a good way. 'I think we're going to need a razor,' she said,
after many failed attempts. Wanna know the last thing a guy with
a pony-tail holder cutting his dick off from the rest of his body wants
to hear? It would be, 'I think we're going to need a razor.' If love is a battlefield, sex is Guantanamo Bay ..." Click for full update>>>
01/17/10
My
Balls: The Update!
I realize
99.999% of males will ejaculate, go limp, grow erect and ejaculate
again while reading this (my heart raced while writing the thing, and I
lived it!). Don't worry ... it's natural. A
man, his impending boner, 45 inches of snow, his 70-pound garbage can,
his woman and another woman who wants to spend 30 minutes with his
nuts? How could this update NOT get you off? Click
for
release>>>
05/29/09
Review of, Drag Me to Hell!
"Horror
fans have been waiting for Sam Raimi to make this
film as far back as Evil
Dead 2. While it isn't quite the return to form many of us
hoped for, it gets enough right to be worth the wait. It
also reminds us how well Sam Raimi can work this sort of
material." Click for full
review>>>
05/29/09
Review of, Up!
"The first
20 minutes
of Up are
some of the most emotionally moving,
beautifully directed moments in animated film. The last 10 minutes of
the movie, while not as masterful as the first, are still "Up" there
with the best of them. Unfortunately, the 60 minutes in-between feature
a Pixar first: generic-itis." Click
for full
review>>>
05/22/09
Review of, Terminator: Salvation!
"The
unforgivably generic
Terminator Salvation can be summed up in 3 words: Boring.
Pointless. Gray. But why stop there when there's so much more wrong
with the film?" ... Click for
full review>>>
05/12/09
Review of, SLOPPY SECONDS "ENDLESS
BUMMER!"
"'Beers
are for drinkin' 'til you
fall down sick. And if the drinks are free, I'm all for that. So chug 2
gallons in a minute flat. Drinking sudsy water from a plastic cup -
looking so pathetic, getting so fucked up. I
hope we never run out of beer!'"It's
the 21st Century version of 'So Fucked Up!' As catchy as alcoholism
during 2-for-1
night at the pub and will stick in your brain until it atrophies from
too much booze. As for the rest of the album ... Click for full song-by-song
review>>>
05/07/09
Review of, Star Trek!
"The
movie doesn't bother catering to the
snot-nosed crowd raised on text-messaging, Michael
Bay and Jerry Bruckheimer
flicks. There's enough character and story development to send the ADHD
gang back to texting tweets to their Twitter accounts ..." Click for full
review>>>
04/27/09
Ronald McDonald Dead at 48
"In
a press release issued today from McCholesterol
Hospital it was announced that the famous corporate clown, Ronald
McDonald passed
away due to heart failure yesterday evening at 11:43 P.M. McMountain
Time.
Mr. McDonald's primary physician, Dr. Mac Nugget told The Juicy
Cerebellum ..." Click for full
shocking press release!
01/05/09
The 12th Annual Video Game Awards for
Overweight Fat Fucks
Why
not join me for a friendly stroll down Obama Avenue? Added bonus? It's
the actual street I live on. With the actual people I call my
neighbors. Oh -- and it's pretty funny.So, put on a jacket -- it's cold
this evening. And let me introduce you to Obama Avenue! Click for video!
10/06/08
Who knew losing a grandmother could be this
painful?
"Hi,
Grandma. You had a way of laughing at the most
inopportune, inappropriate times. At least the times seemed inopportune
and inappropriate until I heard you laughing your way through them. And
then I realized those times were the times that needed laughter the
most." Click to see why
this lady helped make me who I am today.
07/11/08
Review of, Hellboy II: The Golden Army!
"The
first mistake was made when the
powers that be decided to not directly adapt one of the
mind-bending
graphic novels and instead created some vague Lord of the Rings'
rip-off plot involving a crown instead of a ring. Then there was the
overall inconsistencies. First half = non-stop comedy. Second half =
epic fantasy ..." Click for full
review>>>
07/05/08
Review of George Carlin's Final HBO Special,
It's Bad for Ya!
"George
Carlin's last HBO show is a step up from the nihilistic Life is Worth Losing
(which I saw live at some casino) and is a fitting farewell to the
greatest comedian of the 20th (and, thus far, the 21st) century ..." Click for full
review>>>
07/03/08
Review of, Wall*E!
"In
act 2, Wall-E meets Eve. The robotic romance is touching
and children will be overjoyed while watching. Hell, I nearly
clapped like a retard at the circus, but I am a child at heart (and not
in that bullshit obnoxious neo-yuppie way). But just when everything is
going right Pixar goes and gets cold feet ..." Click for full
review>>>
07/02/08
Review of, The Incredible Hulk!
"Rebooting a franchise
that was unsuccessfully rebooted by an over-eager, over-artsy Ang Lee
only 5 years prior seems to be an incredible risk (get it?
"incredible"), but The
Incredible Hulk proves that Marvel knows their own
material better than Lee knows gay cowboys ..." Click for full
review>>>
07/01/08
Review of, The Happening!
"The Happening is a
modern day Invasion of
the Body Snatchers or Them!
A throwback to the atomic-bomb and red-scare fueled movies where only
the brainy scientist may be able to save the rest of us numskulls from
the havoc we've created ..." Click
for full review>>>
06/20/08
Sex, Drugs and Saints!
"She
said,
'Turn it up so fucking loud that I can't hear my mind.' She get down on
the bedpost and I watch Suzy grind. This ain't a love song. This is a
fuck song. Don't have to sing along." Click
How quickly
time flies when you're waiting for your work to get noticed and your
sorry ass to get paid. So, in lieu of money, let me know how long
you've been reading The
Juicy Cerebellum. What was the very first update you read?
How did you find the page? Do you look good naked? If so, are you
single? If you are, do you wanna get laid? Click here to email
your
answers, congratulations (11 years online is a long fucking time)
and/or topless photos with my name on your
tits! Someone who was 7 years old when this page started could legally
take a picture of her jubblies and send them in. Wow. I feel old. And
horny. Jubblies.
03/12/08
Barack
Obama -- Flip-Flopper!
Rumored
to
be Hillary Clinton's newest attack ad in Pennsylvania, painting Barack
Obama as a flip-flopper. This one is pretty nasty, but after the "3
A.M." commercial in Ohio, what did you expect? A positive campaign from
the Clintons? That's just not how they roll. Press play and enjoy!
03/06/08
Three in
the Morning
03/03/08
Hillary
Clinton and the Mainstream Media Back in Bizarro World
Being
in Bizarro World with Hill, no one in the Mainstream Media
points out the irony of the lunatic candidate
getting free airtime on David Letterman, Saturday Night Live, 60
Minutes and The Daily Show all within a 5 day period leading up to
"Junior Super Tuesday" (Texas, Ohio, Rhode Island and Vermont). Using
these valuable media moments the media has given her for free to point
out how unfair the media is toward her.Click for full
editorial>>>
02/01/08
The Case
for Barack Obama; Hillary and the Smell of Mothballs
As
a United States
Senator,
Hillary Clinton has been a rubber stamp for George W. (Pre-emptive War
in Iraq, 2001 Bankruptcy Bill, designating the Iranian National Guard
as a Terrorist Organization) in much the same
way her husband played rubber-stamp to Newt Gingrich and his
conservative cronies (WTO, Contract for America, Welfare Reform).
Senator Barack Obama pushes us forward without forgetting the past and
he's not playing as anyone's stamp -- rubber or otherwise. Click for full
article>>>
01/22/08
Review of Academy Award Winner, There
Will Be Blood!
There
Will Be Blood is
one of those movies that's just good enough to make you wish it were
better. Overall I liked the movie, but I wanted to love it. And I did
until the screenplay got lazy and pulled a "17 years later" type stunt
that was uncharacteristic of the deliberately paced, honest and
compelling story that preceded it. At over 2 and a half hours There
Will Be Blood was still
too short. Why? Click for full
review>>>
01/17/08
Run, Republican, Run!
I
haven't posted a video in a LONG time. This one uses the Nintendo
Wii's "Check Mii Out" channel to figure out whether the next President
of the United States will be a Republican or a Democrat. And you
thought the Wii was "last-gen." Could a last-gen console pick the
President? Exactly. Click. Watch.
Enjoy. And rate it 5 stars, alright? Click for
video>>>
01/09/08
Anybody but Hillary!
President
Hillary Clinton will be no better
than President George W. Bush. And if you believe anything else you
deserve the
Clinton you get. Neither Bill or Hillary are Democrats. They run as
Democrats, but in their heart of hearts they are Conservative
Republicans.
Jesus, people -- look at their voting records! It isn't too hard to
figure out
who they truly represent.Click for full
article>>>
01/04/08
Review of Shoot 'em Up!
This
is a balls-to-the-wall, explosion of gun-porn that's so crazy it could
get the testosterone pumping in a corpse. It's a man, a carrot, a baby
in a bullet-proof vest,
a thousand dead bodies, a million guns and a billion bullets. And oh,
is it ever fun ... Click for
full review>>>
01/03/08
Review of Alien Vs. Predator !
Even
Paul W.S. Anderson's PG-13 AVP abomination left 2 of
the
greatest monsters in sci-fi history with a little bit of dignity
intact. The Brothers Strause, taking a break from making crappy special
FX in crappy movies like Fantastic
4: Rise of the Silver Surfer to instead direct a crappy
movie with crappy special FX, have absolutely no ability to
properly stage or
direct an action or suspense scene; making both creatures look like
B-grade monsters that should be hidden in a Black Lagoon somewhere.Click for full
review>>>
01/03/08
Review of Academy Award Winner, No
Country For Old Men!
No Country for Old Men is
a well-crafted film with some
quirky, funny dialog and that brutal violence that is becoming a Coen
Bros. trademark. Still, when compared to similar Coen output like Fargo and Blood Simple, the
movie is a disappointment. It's far too
close to Blood Simple
for its own good, with the Coen Bros.
rehashing many of the same tricks that worked so well for them in the
past. Click for full
review>>>
01/03/08
Review of Academy Award Winner, Once!
Horribly
shot, horribly lit and filled with mediocre acting and
horrible songs, this is one to avoid. Not only isn't it "the best movie
of 2007" or "one of the best musicals ever made," it's quite possibly
the worst movie to ever receive critical acclaim. I guess what makes this movie
"real" is the shaky hand-held camera. It's like Michael J. Fox forgot
to take his Parkinson's meds and was told to shoot the movie using his
palm as a tripod.
Click
for full review>>>
01/03/08
Review of You Are Alone!
This
movie leaves a lingering feeling
of
sadness that even a 12 pack of Guinness beer won't wash away.
That being said, you may need to suck on a joint or two to smoke away
the film's imperfections. The older guy
in the movie seems a little TOO out of it to be believable for
his age. It
seems more like a teenage girl is explaining her sexuality to an
asexual 70-year-old extra-terrestrial virgin who is only visiting
earth for a day, than it does a teenager explaining her sexual
practices to someone from the planet earth in their late 30s with a
working penis ..." Click for
full review>>>
10/28/07
Lance Hahn 1967
- 2007
There was
something special about Lance Hahn's lyrics. Something real. He was the
Leonard Cohen or Bob Dylan of the pop-punk world. A true poet whose
voice has now been silenced ..." Click
for full article/tribute>>>
10/24/07
The God Blog:
Blogging With the Lord
George W. Bush
won't be the only one crying when he hears what God has to say. God the
Blogger may take a few (million) of the self-righteous "Christians" by
surprise when he reveals that everything they thought they knew about
Him is wrong. Click to hear from
the big man in the sky>>>
09/22/07
When God Gets
Pissed:
The Day a Storm Destroyed Everything the Burglars Didn't Take
"That
lightsaber shed the tiniest bit of blue light into a dark situation.
But it couldn't save me from the burglars who were about to bust open
my door and rob me blind. No lightsaber could save me from those
bastards. And at 4:30 AM they came for me and nearly all that I lived
for. But like the armchair revolutionary I am ... I fought the fuck
back." Click for full
article>>>
09/16/07
Got Rotgut?
"'We're just
buying it to get drunk,' she said while hopping up and down like a girl
15 years younger than her 30 years, 'Why pay for flavor?' It seemed
like a good point at the time. Her perfectly bouncing boobs may have
had something to do with swaying my vote. So we bought a $9.50 case of
Gluek (rhymes with "sick" -- which, in retrospect, makes perfect sense)
Golden Light beer ..." Click for
full article>>>
"Linky. Because
geeks don't "link," they "linky." Or, better yet, they "clicky." But
I'll save that for the sequel ..."
Click for full article>>>
08/06/07
August 4th,
2007: The Day America Died
"As
I watched it happen an altered version of Don McLean's American Pie
entered my head: "This will be the day America dies." As I heard the
Republican Congressmen applauding the loss of Civil Liberties for the
Americans they were elected to represent; the day of August 4th, 2007
burned into my mind in a way no date has since September 11th, 2001 ..."
Click for full article>>>
You'll notice your God is wearing a generic
cardboard "Jason" mask, green Texas Chainsaw Massacre cap,
Buffy the Vampire Slayer T-Shirt and
fine leather jacket — all necessary apparel for appropriately
saving humanity.
We have no idea what he's doing with that oversized
knife. But it sort of scares us.
