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For
15 years, The
Juicy Cerebellum has been a thorn in the side of
mediocrity. Our authors never pander to any studio, audience
or clique. People may not agree with all that is said at this
site, but we've found that they generally respect what we're
saying. And if they don't? We could give a shit less. Upon
being introduced to The Juicy Cerebellum, and its
renegade style of writing, the majority of individuals (was that an
oxymoron?) trust the site like no other. We will never be
bought off, we will never sell ourselves out, and we will never, ever
lie to our loyal readers. The Juicy Cerebellum:
Redefining the Internet since March 14th, 1997.
| 01/25/12 |
Attack of the 13" Oscar! The Good, the Bad and the Ugly of the 84th Annual Academy Award Nominees! |
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"The Academy realized their lame award show basically
gets all its ratings from soccer moms living in flyover states.
Middle-America soccer moms have been the audience the Academy
caters toward for years. I expect an Adam Sandler movie to be nominated next. Or
maybe just a 30 second fart joke as Best Short Film. Either that, or
some guy hitting himself in the nuts. Middle-America loves that shit." Click to kick a sacred cow>>> |
| 01/19/12 |
Review of, The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo |
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"When a Hollywood adaptation of
the novel, The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo
was announced, moviegoers were justifiably skeptical. Two years
earlier a well-liked film version was released with the actors speaking
Swedish and subtitles filling the bottom of the screen. 'So, we're
getting a remake because Hollywood doesn't think Americans can read?'
snobby people asked in snobby threads on the Internet machine.
First, this isn't a remake -- its an adaptation of a popular novel.
Second, of course Americans known how to read, most of them just prefer
not to when in a movie theater. There's texting to be done." Click for full review>>> |
| 01/12/12 |
Review of, The
Artist |
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"The Artist
is an
old-fashioned comedy, trading between the heart-breaking and the
joyous, but never losing its magic or its hope in humanity to
adapt. In a strange way, it's not unlike The Matrix -- only
this time the red pill transports you into the futuristic world of
sound,
rather than a cynical world of two increasingly abysmal big-budget
sequels." Click for full
review>>> |
| 10/05/11 |
The Force is Strong With This
One! |
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"Hands
down the most comprehensive, entertaining, geekiest Star Wars' blu-ray
review ever. Including Jedis, Sandpeople, huge boobs, Jar Jar and a
really drunk girlfriend who stops giving a shit 5 drinks in! If you
only read one review this entire decade, in this galaxy, this is the
one to read. Also brings up lightsabers and hard-ons. It can't be
topped! The Force is erect with this one!" Click for full
review>>> |
| 06/28/11 |
The Bullying Ends Here! |
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"Refusing
to raise
taxes on the richest 1% of Minnesotans -- which the GOP is currently
doing -- doesn't help the budget. It doesn't help the people of
Minnesota. It only helps Karl Rove, Grover Norquist, Charles Koch,
Rush Limbaugh and other Ayn Rand-ian sociopaths who, to quote Michael
Caine in The Dark Knight, 'Just want to watch the world burn.'" Click for full
(and BEST in a couple of years) update! |
| 03/17/11 |
Who Belongs in the Stocks
Tonight? |
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"Union
busting cocksuck, Scott Walker is in
stocks. He's the first to be there. Unfortunately, he won't be the
last. Either way, throwing tomatoes -- even if they're fake, can be a
good time. Let this prick know that we aren't going to stand for
lawbreakers and a couple of old guys whose Koch he sucks!..." Click for full update!
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| 03/02/11 |
The Good, the Bad and the
Helghast: Killzone 3 & 3D boners! |
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"The
3D works well enough. Some parts are worthy of popping a 3D-induced
boner. One section had me screaming out to my girlfriend, "Now THIS is
what 3D gaming's all about!" Then I felt like a geek. A geek wearing
$100 3D glasses. Thinking back on it, it's hard to believe she's stayed
with me this long..." Click for
full update>>> |
| 02/22/10 |
With
This Ring, I Thee Bed: Purple Penises,
Pony-Tail Holders & Poetic Justice |
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"She
spit, lubed, tugged and pulled until my dick felt like it was going to
explode.
Not in a good way. 'I think we're going to need a razor,' she said,
after many failed attempts. Wanna know the last thing a guy
with
a pony-tail holder cutting his dick off from the rest of his body wants
to hear? It would be, 'I think we're going to need a razor.' If
love is a battlefield, sex is Guantanamo Bay ..." Click for full
update>>> |
| 01/17/10 |
My
Balls: The
Update! |
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I realize
99.999% of males will ejaculate, go limp, grow erect and ejaculate
again while reading this (my heart raced while writing the thing, and I
lived it!). Don't worry ... it's natural. A
man, his impending boner, 45 inches of snow, his 70-pound garbage can,
his woman and another woman who wants to spend 30 minutes with his
nuts? How could this update NOT get you off? Click
for
release>>> |
| 05/29/09 |
Review of, Drag Me to Hell! |
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"Horror
fans have been waiting for Sam Raimi to make this
film as far back as Evil
Dead 2. While it isn't quite the return to form many of us
hoped for, it gets enough right to be worth the wait. It
also reminds us how well Sam Raimi can work this sort of
material." Click for full
review>>> |
| 05/29/09 |
Review of, Up! |
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"The first
20 minutes
of Up are
some of the most emotionally moving,
beautifully directed moments in animated film. The last 10 minutes of
the movie, while not as masterful as the first, are still "Up" there
with the best of them. Unfortunately, the 60 minutes in-between feature
a Pixar first: generic-itis." Click
for full
review>>> |
| 05/22/09 |
Review of, Terminator: Salvation! |
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"The
unforgivably generic
Terminator Salvation can be summed up in 3 words: Boring.
Pointless. Gray. But why stop there when there's so much more wrong
with the film?" ... Click for
full review>>> |
| 05/12/09 |
Review of, SLOPPY SECONDS "ENDLESS
BUMMER!" |
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"'Beers
are for drinkin' 'til you
fall down sick. And if the drinks are free, I'm all for that. So chug 2
gallons in a minute flat. Drinking sudsy water from a plastic cup -
looking so pathetic, getting so fucked up. I
hope we never run out of beer!'" It's
the 21st Century version of 'So Fucked Up!' As catchy as alcoholism
during 2-for-1
night at the pub and will stick in your brain until it atrophies from
too much booze. As for the rest of the album ... Click for full song-by-song
review>>> |
| 05/07/09 |
Review of, Star Trek! |
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"The
movie doesn't bother catering to the
snot-nosed crowd raised on text-messaging, Michael
Bay and Jerry Bruckheimer
flicks. There's enough character and story development to send the ADHD
gang back to texting tweets to their Twitter accounts ..." Click for full
review>>> |
| 04/27/09 |
Ronald McDonald Dead at 48 |
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"In
a press release issued today from McCholesterol
Hospital it was announced that the famous corporate clown, Ronald
McDonald passed
away due to heart failure yesterday evening at 11:43 P.M. McMountain
Time.
Mr. McDonald's primary physician, Dr. Mac Nugget told The Juicy
Cerebellum ..." Click for full
shocking press release! |
| 01/05/09 |
The 12th Annual Video Game Awards for
Overweight Fat Fucks |
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How did you
waste your precious time and year? Click
to find out how we wasted ours>>>
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| 10/21/08 |
Welcome to, Obama Avenue! |
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Why
not join me for a friendly stroll down Obama Avenue? Added bonus? It's
the actual street I live on. With the actual people I call my
neighbors. Oh -- and it's pretty funny.So, put on a jacket -- it's cold
this evening. And let me introduce you to Obama Avenue! Click for video! |
| 10/06/08 |
Who knew losing a grandmother could be this
painful? |
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"Hi,
Grandma. You had a way of laughing at the most
inopportune, inappropriate times. At least the times seemed inopportune
and inappropriate until I heard you laughing your way through them. And
then I realized those times were the times that needed laughter the
most." Click to see why
this lady helped make me who I am today. |
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You'll notice your God is wearing a generic
cardboard "Jason" mask, green Texas Chainsaw Massacre cap,
Buffy the Vampire Slayer T-Shirt and
fine leather jacket — all necessary apparel for appropriately
saving humanity.
We have no idea what he's doing with that oversized
knife. But it sort of scares us.
Email
The Man Behind the Mask...
if you dare! Bwah-ha-ha!
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