Posters and prints on sale now! Click a pic
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Redefining
Blogging, Film Criticism and Life in General
Ladies and Gentlemen,
Your God...
For
11 years, The
Juicy Cerebellum has been a thorn in the side of
mediocrity. Our authors never pander to any studio, audience
or clique. People may not agree with all that is said at this
site, but we've found that they generally respect what we're
saying. And if they don't? We could give a shit less. Upon
being introduced to The Juicy Cerebellum, and its
renegade style of writing, the majority of individuals (was that an
oxymoron?) trust the site like no other. We will never be
bought off, we will never sell ourselves out, and we will never, ever
lie to our loyal readers. The Juicy Cerebellum:
Redefining the Internet since March 14th, 1997.
How quickly
time flies when you're waiting for your work to get noticed and your
sorry ass to get paid. So, in lieu of money, let me know how long
you've been reading The
Juicy Cerebellum. What was the very first update you read?
How did you find the page? Do you look good naked? If so, are you
single? If you are, do you wanna get laid? Click here to email
your
answers, congratulations (11 years online is a long fucking time)
and/or topless photos with my name on your
tits! Someone who was 7 years old when this page started could legally
take a picture of her jubblies and send them in. Wow. I feel old. And
horny. Jubblies.
03/12/08
Barack
Obama -- Flip-Flopper!
Rumored
to
be Hillary Clinton's newest attack ad in Pennsylvania, painting Barack
Obama as a flip-flopper. This one is pretty nasty, but after the "3
A.M." commercial in Ohio, what did you expect? A positive campaign from
the Clintons? That's just not how they roll. Press play and enjoy!
03/06/08
Three in
the Morning
03/03/08
Hillary
Clinton and the Mainstream Media Back in Bizarro World
Being
in Bizarro World with Hill, no one in the Mainstream Media
points out the irony of the lunatic candidate
getting free airtime on David Letterman, Saturday Night Live, 60
Minutes and The Daily Show all within a 5 day period leading up to
"Junior Super Tuesday" (Texas, Ohio, Rhode Island and Vermont). Using
these valuable media moments the media has given her for free to point
out how unfair the media is toward her.Click for full
editorial>>>
02/01/08
The Case
for Barack Obama; Hillary and the Smell of Mothballs
As
a United States
Senator,
Hillary Clinton has been a rubber stamp for George W. (Pre-emptive War
in Iraq, 2001 Bankruptcy Bill, designating the Iranian National Guard
as a Terrorist Organization) in much the same
way her husband played rubber-stamp to Newt Gingrich and his
conservative cronies (WTO, Contract for America, Welfare Reform).
Senator Barack Obama pushes us forward without forgetting the past and
he's not playing as anyone's stamp -- rubber or otherwise. Click for full
article>>>
01/22/08
Review of Academy Award Winner, There
Will Be Blood!
There
Will Be Blood is
one of those movies that's just good enough to make you wish it were
better. Overall I liked the movie, but I wanted to love it. And I did
until the screenplay got lazy and pulled a "17 years later" type stunt
that was uncharacteristic of the deliberately paced, honest and
compelling story that preceded it. At over 2 and a half hours There
Will Be Blood was still
too short. Why? Click for full
review>>>
01/17/08
Run, Republican, Run!
I
haven't posted a video in a LONG time. This one uses the Nintendo
Wii's "Check Mii Out" channel to figure out whether the next President
of the United States will be a Republican or a Democrat. And you
thought the Wii was "last-gen." Could a last-gen console pick the
President? Exactly. Click. Watch.
Enjoy. And rate it 5 stars, alright? Click for
video>>>
01/09/08
Anybody but Hillary!
President
Hillary Clinton will be no better
than President George W. Bush. And if you believe anything else you
deserve the
Clinton you get. Neither Bill or Hillary are Democrats. They run as
Democrats, but in their heart of hearts they are Conservative
Republicans.
Jesus, people -- look at their voting records! It isn't too hard to
figure out
who they truly represent.Click for full
article>>>
01/04/08
Review of Shoot 'em Up!
This
is a balls-to-the-wall, explosion of gun-porn that's so crazy it could
get the testosterone pumping in a corpse. It's a man, a carrot, a baby
in a bullet-proof vest,
a thousand dead bodies, a million guns and a billion bullets. And oh,
is it ever fun ... Click for
full review>>>
01/03/08
Review of Alien Vs. Predator !
Even
Paul W.S. Anderson's PG-13 AVP abomination left 2 of
the
greatest monsters in sci-fi history with a little bit of dignity
intact. The Brothers Strause, taking a break from making crappy special
FX in crappy movies like Fantastic
4: Rise of the Silver Surfer to instead direct a crappy
movie with crappy special FX, have absolutely no ability to
properly stage or
direct an action or suspense scene; making both creatures look like
B-grade monsters that should be hidden in a Black Lagoon somewhere.Click for full
review>>>
01/03/08
Review of Academy Award Winner, No
Country For Old Men!
No Country for Old Men is
a well-crafted film with some
quirky, funny dialog and that brutal violence that is becoming a Coen
Bros. trademark. Still, when compared to similar Coen output like Fargo and Blood Simple, the
movie is a disappointment. It's far too
close to Blood Simple
for its own good, with the Coen Bros.
rehashing many of the same tricks that worked so well for them in the
past. Click for full
review>>>
01/03/08
Review of Academy Award Winner, Once!
Horribly
shot, horribly lit and filled with mediocre acting and
horrible songs, this is one to avoid. Not only isn't it "the best movie
of 2007" or "one of the best musicals ever made," it's quite possibly
the worst movie to ever receive critical acclaim. I guess what makes this movie
"real" is the shaky hand-held camera. It's like Michael J. Fox forgot
to take his Parkinson's meds and was told to shoot the movie using his
palm as a tripod.
Click
for full review>>>
01/03/08
Review of You Are Alone!
This
movie leaves a lingering feeling
of
sadness that even a 12 pack of Guinness beer won't wash away.
That being said, you may need to suck on a joint or two to smoke away
the film's imperfections. The older guy
in the movie seems a little TOO out of it to be believable for
his age. It
seems more like a teenage girl is explaining her sexuality to an
asexual 70-year-old extra-terrestrial virgin who is only visiting
earth for a day, than it does a teenager explaining her sexual
practices to someone from the planet earth in their late 30s with a
working penis ..." Click for
full review>>>
10/28/07
Lance Hahn 1967
- 2007
There was
something special about Lance Hahn's lyrics. Something real. He was the
Leonard Cohen or Bob Dylan of the pop-punk world. A true poet whose
voice has now been silenced ..." Click
for full article/tribute>>>
10/24/07
The God Blog:
Blogging With the Lord
George W. Bush
won't be the only one crying when he hears what God has to say. God the
Blogger may take a few (million) of the self-righteous "Christians" by
surprise when he reveals that everything they thought they knew about
Him is wrong. Click to hear from
the big man in the sky>>>
09/22/07
When God Gets
Pissed:
The Day a Storm Destroyed Everything the Burglars Didn't Take
"That
lightsaber shed the tiniest bit of blue light into a dark situation.
But it couldn't save me from the burglars who were about to bust open
my door and rob me blind. No lightsaber could save me from those
bastards. And at 4:30 AM they came for me and nearly all that I lived
for. But like the armchair revolutionary I am ... I fought the fuck
back." Click for full
article>>>
09/16/07
Got Rotgut?
"'We're just
buying it to get drunk,' she said while hopping up and down like a girl
15 years younger than her 30 years, 'Why pay for flavor?' It seemed
like a good point at the time. Her perfectly bouncing boobs may have
had something to do with swaying my vote. So we bought a $9.50 case of
Gluek (rhymes with "sick" -- which, in retrospect, makes perfect sense)
Golden Light beer ..." Click for
full article>>>
"Linky. Because
geeks don't "link," they "linky." Or, better yet, they "clicky." But
I'll save that for the sequel ..."
Click for full article>>>
08/06/07
August 4th,
2007: The Day America Died
"As
I watched it happen an altered version of Don McLean's American Pie
entered my head: "This will be the day America dies." As I heard the
Republican Congressmen applauding the loss of Civil Liberties for the
Americans they were elected to represent; the day of August 4th, 2007
burned into my mind in a way no date has since September 11th, 2001 ..."
Click for full article>>>
07/28/07
Deconstructing
Harry Part 7: A Review in 7 Parts
"I'm going to
get obscenely drunk and eat an ungodly number of KitKat candy bars. No
novel has ever caused me to do this before ... and I've read a lot of
novels. Thanks for setting me down the path of obesity and alcoholism,
J.K. Your little wizard fable has destroyed my life. Hope you're happy,
bitch."
Click for the truth>>>
"I have not
read ahead in the book. The 'thoughts-per-page' posted are the thoughts
I had as I read that very page. They have not been edited in retrospect
or changed in hindsight. Many of my guesses could be wrong. More could
be right. Without further adieu, here are my thoughts on the first 100
pages of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows"
Click>>>
07/20/07
The 5 Dumbest
Things Americans Have Protested Over in the Past 5 Years
When you finish
reading your jaw will be on the floor and your brain will only be able
to think, "Wow ... just wow."
"I was at the
doctor yesterday due to these non-stop migraine headaches I've been
having for the past month. He ordered me an MRI with and without
contrast. He wants to check the veins leading to my brain to see if
I've been suffering from 'mini-strokes' (which sounds like a polite way
of describing being masturbated by a midget) ..."
Click for the rest>>>
07/13/07
Summer Movie
Report Card (9 NEW Movie Reviews)
Reviews (and
grades) of Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, Transformers,
Ratouille, 1408, Live Free or Die Hard, Waitress, Pirates of the
Caribbean: At World's End, Shrek the Third and Spider-Man 3 all added
today! Now, who loves ya baby?
Click now to read them all (and to see the all new Juicy
Cerebellum)!>>>
06/05/07
Testing Myself
"Man, if I
weren't so lazy, I think I'd celebrate my trouble-free life by stepping
outside and hugging a tree. Instead, I think I'll give my mailman a
call and remind him to slide the welfare check under the door next
time, so I don't have to put out my joint, pull on my underwear and
walk the ten feet to my mailbox to pick it up myself. Jeesh ... he
never learns." Click for the
rest>>>
The final
episode of season 3 dropped enough clues for me to figure out the rest
of the series! "Impossible!" you say? Click
now and the truth will be revealed!
"During the
intermission I went to get a glass of water. I asked the bartender how
much a glass of water cost and he said, 'Free.' I heard him wrong and
responded, 'Three?' He said, 'Free!' I repeated, 'Three?' He nearly
screamed, 'FREE -- it's water!' I then gave him nothing in exchange for
a glass of ice-water. As I left he said, 'Thanks for the tip, bub.'
Being that I didn't give him a tip and my name isn't 'bub,' I assumed
he was being sarcastic ..." Click
for full article>>>
"I'm like all
13 seasons worth of E.R. rolled into one. With a
little Gray's Anatomy (minus the homophobe) and Scrubs
thrown in for good measure. If I were up during the day, you could add General
Hospital to the list. If the networks could broadcast me, I'd
make them a fortune. Screw The Truman Show -- The
Sandell Show would have people on the edge of their seats
and coming back for more ..." Click
for full article>>>
02/01/07
Review of Babel!
"Babel
is an assemblage of superficially intertwined stories worming around
one another in a way designed to give them the appearance of being
something other than lame soap-opera like tripe. The film
isn't complex, profound or meaningful. Instead, it's rubbish
so pretentious it would make the folks behind Crash
begin to blush." Click for full
review>>>
01/29/07
Review of Pan's
Labyrinth!
"Guillermo
del Toro is one of the best in the business. Starting with The
Devil's Backbone, moving through Blade II and
Hellboy and into Pan's
Labyrinth -- the screenwriter/director can seemingly do no
wrong. And with Pan's Labyrinth -- nominated for 6
Academy Awards -- his work is finally getting noticed by the
mainstream." Click for full
review>>>
01/27/07
Review of The
Queen!
"As a film, The
Queen is merely average. As a piece for actors to strut
their stuff, it excels. Overall, it shouldn't be missed, but you
wouldn't be missing much if you waited for it to be released on DVD." Click for full
review>>>
01/26/07
Review of Rocky
Balboa!
"Sly hit upon a concept that captured the
imagination of a nation and of a world. Something about a retarded
boxer beating the odds made the odd man out feel he had a chance. In Rocky
Balboa Rocky's still mentally-challenged, still has a turtle
fetish and still has a thing for drinking raw eggs. What he doesn't
have is Adrian. Without someone to say 'Yo' to, is Rocky still Rocky?" Click for full
review>>>
01/25/07
Review of Letters
from Iwo Jima!
"Letters
from Iwo Jima isn't exactly an anti-war film, but at the same
time it isn't flag-waving propaganda. It takes no sides, takes no
prisoners and will hopefully take home a handful of Oscars. Letters
from Iwo Jima is the best portrayal of war put on film and
the best movie of 2006." Click for
full review>>>
01/25/07
Review of Dreamgirls!
"But people
don't go to musicals for the dialogue, do they? They don't
buy their tickets for the realism, right? They go for the
songs! Sadly, Dreamgirls falls far short
in that department as well. The music is "safe" to the point
of being bland and the bulk of the tunes are such timid wanna-be Motown
numbers, it's not even funny." Click
for full review>>>
01/23/07
Blood!
Blood! Blood!
"They can fix
me proper with a bit of luck. The doctors and the nurses they adore me
so. But it's really quite alarming cause I'm such an awful fuck. I gave
you blood, blood - Gallons of the stuff. I gave you all that you can
drink and it has never been enough. I gave you blood, blood, blood! I'm
the kind of human wreckage that you love!" Click for full
article>>>
01/05/07
Totally Juicy
Manifesto 2007! Laugh 'til you die!
If you don't
know about the annual Manifesto, you don't belong here. Well, you may
belong here, but not in the way that the cool people who know about
things such as the Manifesto belong. They belong in that way that old
people who have had more of a chance to belong to places belong!
Because they'll die soon, so they feel the need to fit in. Click for the Totally Juicy
Manifesto 2007>>>
01/04/07
I completely
sell out and lose all integrity I once had ...
"Check out the
new post on my blog. It's so sad. It's like I went into the cocoon as a
worm and emerged as a rectum. A rectum with bad gas and without
wings. Be kind. I did it for the good of humanity." Click to finally
SEE Alex Sandell>>> (You're gonna have
to have an account to see all the pics.)
"I promise you
that I made this an entertaining read for everyone -- gamer or
not. I didn't sit on my ass gaining weight while twiddling my
thumbs for nothin'! Check it out. Maybe you'll find
something you like, or at least a new way to make fun of me!" Click for games
5-1>>>
12/30/06
The Top 20
Games of 2006! Games 10-6!
"I promise you
that I made this an entertaining read for everyone -- gamer or
not. I didn't sit on my ass gaining weight while twiddling my
thumbs for nothin'! Check it out. Maybe you'll find
something you like, or at least a new way to make fun of me!" Click for games
10-6>>>
12/29/06
The Top 20
Games of 2006! Games 15-11!
"I promise you
that I made this an entertaining read for everyone -- gamer or
not. I didn't sit on my ass gaining weight while twiddling my
thumbs for nothin'! Check it out. Maybe you'll find
something you like, or at least a new way to make fun of me!" Click for games
15-11>>>
12/28/06
The Top 20
Games of 2006! Games 20-16!
"I promise you
that I made this an entertaining read for everyone -- gamer or
not. I didn't sit on my ass gaining weight while twiddling my
thumbs for nothin'! Check it out. Maybe you'll find
something you like, or at least a new way to make fun of me!" Click for games
20-16>>>
10/29/06
Internet
Explorer 7.0 vs. Mozilla Firefox 2.0
(Or: Why Microsoft Will Never Beat Any Company That They Don't Purchase)
"Firefox has
buttons that take the user to movie sites, video game sites, and search
sites -- and these buttons offer the user a choice.
It's not all MICROSOFT movie sites, video game sites, and search sites,
as it is with IE 7.0. Microsoft is going out of
their way to make the world Micro-centric ..."Click for full article and
comparison>>>
10/27/06
Review of Saw
III!
"This isn't
the perfect movie, but if you liked the first two it won't let you
down. At least it won't let you down if you can stomach the
bloody blitz that it provides.This is one
of those movies you'll brag about getting through if you manage to sit
through the entire thing without closing your eyes. " Click for full
review>>>
10/26/06
My Friends are
All Old and Sucky!
My friends have
all 'grown up.' That's probably the most depressing thing to happen
since the Holocaust. Or at least since McDonald's stopped selling the
McRib. I'm turning into a former young American. While my friends are
all starting to act their age, I'm still sitting here blogging and
bitching about my friends maturing at a normal pace ..." Click for full
article>>>
10/25/06
Jeffrey
Skilling Got Off Easy!
24 years and 4
months in prison?!? There is no way that, in that short a
time, Skilling will be able to take it up the ass as many times as he
gave it in the ass to thousands of people with his "accounting tricks
and shady business deals that led to the loss of thousands of jobs,
more than $60 billion in Enron stock and more than $2 billion in
employee pension plans." Click
for full article>>>
10/21/06
I Feel Sorry
for Prince
"I've been
feeling sorry for Prince, lately. The catastrophic world he
envisioned in 1999 was never fully realized and
he's probably sitting in his big purple mansion wondering why he's no
longer relevant. And why his big mansion is still painted
purple..." Click for full
article>>>
10/20/06
The best thing you can say about Republicans is
that they are Pedophiles ...
"As
long as as a Repug claims
they're against abortion and for lowering taxes, they can get away with accepting illegal campaign contributions, having
affairs on theirwives with big-breasted bimbos,
sending dirty letters to children, having
sexual relationships
with Priests, torturing their fellow
humans, bombing innocent civilians and letting the
homeless die in the streets." Click for full
article>>>
10/19/06
MySpace is selling us short and we're buying
anyway, because we're a bunch of sellouts
"Then came
Porth. He ran up to me with a toothy grin, leaned up against my side
and proceeded to sit on his head. I pet his hair, he licked my hand,
the volunteer at the Humane Society pointed out that he had a 'little
poop' on him and that I should 'be careful where I put my hands,' but I
didn't care. This dog was a winner." Click
for full tragic update>>>
10/07/06
Review of The
Departed!
"Martin
Scorsese is still at his peak and remains on his winning
streak. Some will argue with this, but I personally don't
think the director's ever been better. And those screaming
"sellout!" over the director's work on The Aviator
will be firmly back in the Scorsese camp after watching The
Departed." Click for full
review>>>
10/06/06
The 31 Greatest
Horror Movies For Your 2006 Drunken Halloween Bash, Movie # 12: The
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning!
"'My God,' I
thought to myself, 'This is how Hitler got so many to look the other
way!' I had thought this before, but never had I awoken,
covered in sweat, heart racing in my chest, to know that it was
true. To know, deep down in my bones, that Hitler was only a
diversion ..." Click for full
article>>>
09/17/06
Sniff Any Good
Butts Lately?
"Our superior,
slightly embarrassed giggles [when our dogs meet and start smelling
each other out] indicate that we are certainly not the kind of animal
that would lower itself down to the level of sniffing another's butt.
Ironically, we do just that, every single day."
Click for full article>>>
09/16/06
Acute
Alcoholism, Chronic Insomnia and Beverly Hills, 90210
I remain the
observer of all that goes on around me. An outsider more than a
participant. 'But you moved to a new city and bought your first house'
people will respond. Yes, but all that has done is show me that you
can't escape yourself. Not even if you make it all the way to
Milwaukee. But they have lower standards there, so maybe it wouldn't be
such an issue." Click
for full article>>>
09/15/06
Dane Cook Said
So!
"As I was
pretending to pray to Jesus so my mother didn't think I was improperly
raised by my Agnostic father, I had a revelation (incidentally,
'Revelation' is the name of the new Audioslave CD) -- just like every
other facet of society, the corporations were taking over the
Internet!"
Click for full article>>>
09/11/06
Never Forget: A
Call to Forget 9/11
"This lamebrain
'never forget' mentality is what keeps wars going for decades. How are
you helping anyone, or even yourself, by 'never' letting it go? It's
like mental constipation and over half of America needs to take a big
brain-dump (imagine the overtime the mind-plumbers will be getting).
This update will piss off 75% of my readers and I personally couldn't
give a fuck." Click for full
article/poem>>>
08/11/06
Video Games are
Satan: The Rise and Fall of Joseph Lieberman
"Joseph
Lieberman made his name as a Senator for throwing a fit over the
videogame Mortal Kombat. He then went on to rubberstamp pretty much
everything George W. Bush ever wanted a rubber for. On Aug. 9th,
citizens of Connecticut let Lieberman know that a pro-war Dem wasn't to
their liking and selected Ned Lamont as their Democratic candidate." Click for full article (and
poem)>>>
08/09/06
Review of World
Trade Center!
"It feels like
Stone and Berloff picked away at the shared tragedy of 9/11 and
exploited it for all its box-office glory and perhaps a few nods from
the Academy. In no way, whatsoever, did they make a great
movie. A movie with good production values?
Certainly. But a movie that's actually good? Not
even close." Click for full
review>>>
08/02/06
Review of The
Descent!
"Are you afraid
of death? Drowning? Heights? Tight
spaces? The dark? Bone-splitting pain? If
you have a fear, writer/director Neil Marshall has found a way to
exploit it. And in doing so creates one of the scariest
horror movies of the past 20 years." Click
for full review>>>
07/28/06
Review of Miami
Vice!
"There are two
types of movies that made me become a film critic -- one is the type of
film that is so great, you want to tell everyone you can to go check it
out. The other is the type that is so awful, that if you
convince even one person to stay away, you've made the world a better
place. Miami Vice is the latter." Click for full
review>>>
07/28/06
Review of The
Ant Bully!
"The
Ant Bully is a hideous wart on the already ugly face of
summer 2006. It's
Chicken Little bad. It's Valiant
bad. I'm a nearly obsessive fan of animation, but even I have
my limits. Outside of the mind-blowing 3-D presentation at
the Imax, this movie is painful to watch." Click
for full review>>>
07/26/06
Review of Scoop!
"This is the
one fans of the comic Woody Allen have been waiting for since Mighty
Aphrodite in 1995. From beginning to end, the film
is never bogged down with the artsy-fartsy bullshit Woody Allen has had
such a problem resisting as of late." Click
for full review>>>
07/24/06
Review of Monster
House!
"... that
magical, fun, scary, thrilling, adventurous type movie popularized by
the likes of Steven Spielberg and Robert Zemeckis. It
shouldn't be surprising, then, that Zemeckis and Spielberg are two of
the executive producers behind Monster House, a
film that could have just as well been called, 'It Came From the
Eighties!'" Click for full
review>>>
You'll notice your God is wearing a generic
cardboard "Jason" mask, green Texas Chainsaw Massacre cap,
Buffy the Vampire Slayer T-Shirt and
fine leather jacket — all necessary apparel for appropriately
saving humanity.
We have no idea what he's doing with that oversized
knife. But it sort of scares us.
