By: Alex Sandell
"Gattaca", "Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil", "The Postman", "An American Werewolf in Paris", "Amistad" and "Speed 2: Cruise Control" added
7/13/98! (Just look for the sign.)
Okay, so it's not really every movie out in 1997, but it will be. This is just the tip of the erection (and every guy knows, that's the best part).
Throughout the year of 1998, I'm going to watch hundreds of movies, hoping to be the only human alive to view all 1,162 films that came out in 1997, with the exception of Flubber, by January 24th, 1999. So far, I've only gotten 67 down, but that leaves me with a mere 1,095 to go, and I figure that shouldn't be too hard. Not to mention, I'll finally get to prove to everyone that I really have no life, in the process!
After my "one"-line review, I give a numeric rating between two of those little asterisk things (**). These reviews are on a scale of 1-10, and you should note that 10 is the best you can get, even though there are bigger numbers.
Anyway, since my introduction is taking up valuable movie-watching time, here's the reviews:
1.) 8 Heads in a Duffel Bag -
I saw this one, but don't remember anything about it. I'm
guessing it must have sucked. Either that, or I'm getting
2.) Air Force One - Indiana Jones takes off the fedora, and pretends he's the president in another really crappy rip-off of "Die Hard." When the plane crashes at the end, it kinda looks like some guy just took a big crap in the toilet, and they filmed it really close-up. *3*
3.) Alien Resurrection - I went to this on opening night with some friends, and we thought it started at 9:00, so we got there at 8:30, and it turned out it started at 10:15. Sitting around and waiting was the best part of the movie. A bunch of flashing lights and stuff. Signourey Weaver trades her integrity for a producing credit. Worst of the series. Weeeee! *3*
4.) Amistad - Out to prove that middle age really can make you boring; Steven Spielberg shoves this three hour "epic" down our throats. It's about a lot of white people and black people fighting because the white people from stupid places like the south want the black people to be slaves. Then there's white people fighting white people because some white people don't want the black people to be slaves and don't care that much about barbecue sauce and AC/DC music (they were still a band back then, right?). You can't forget the black people fighting the black people because some of the black people want to sell the other black people as slaves to the white people that are in support of slavery. Oh, and there's fifty-million scenes in a courtroom featuring a bunch of actors who are basically nodding at us and saying, "can I have that Academy Award now?" There, I think I made this review just as convoluted, pretentious and long-winded as the movie. Now go back and read it over and over again for three hours straight. By that point you should have some idea of what viewing this overuse of celluloid was like. *4*
5.) Amnesia - Somehow I just can't remember whether or not I saw this one. *?*
6.) Anaconda - A big video game chases people around and pretends that it's Jaws. I think it's 'sposed to be a snake, although it looks a little like Mario. *2*
7.) An American Werewolf in Paris - I don't want to admit I liked this movie. Really, I don't. It's just that dead dogs, rotting humans and condom jokes, mixed with cheesy computer animation, bad dialogue, and lame attempts at horror can be so magic at times. *7*
8.) Anastasia - I wonder if they've ever seen a Disney film. *5*
9.) As Good As It Gets - Jack Nicholson acts like Jack Nicholson, which is always a good thing. Helen Hunt wears a wet T-shirt, and you can see her nipples, which isn't such a bad idea, either. Greg Kinnear gives an Oscar-worthy performance as a gay dude, which is, well, Oscar-worthy. It's pretty good. Gets a little too cliched, in parts, but don't we all? *7*
10.) Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery - Pretty simple formula. Predictable jokes. Anyone with three brain-cells could have written it. Rent it, today! *7*
11.) B*A*P*S - A pain in the ass to type, I already hate it.
12.) Batman and Robin - The worst movie of all time. I demanded my money back, but didn't get it, cuz the manager said if everyone that asked for refunds to this movie got them, the theater would go broke. I could see his point. *1*
13.) Beverly Hills Ninja - The last Chris Farley movie released in Chris Farley's lifetime (there's still one more coming out later this year), and sadly, the worst. Still, you could stick Chris Farley into a "Sudafed" ad, and he could make it interesting. That basically sums up this movie. *6*
14.) Boogie Nights - This movie is so good, I literally ripped the poster off the wall of the video store I rented it in, and am now proudly displaying it in my room. (That's what they get for selling the "Chasing Amy" poster they promised me, to somebody else.) *10*
15.) Breakdown - It's a movie about trucks, psychos and Kurt Russell's never-changing hairstyle. During the "baiting" scenes, I couldn't help but wonder how many times the screenwriter had seen "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre," prior to writing this script. *6*
16.) Breast Men - I just gotta be straight forward here, I LOVE boobs. I love looking at them, sucking on them, seeing people shoving silicone up them, anything. What I would have given to be a lead actor in this movie . . . *8* (Somehow I don't think you should consider that review as "objective.")
17.) Chasing Amy - A love triangle about a guy, a lesbian and a homophobic guy that might be in love with the guy that loves the lesbian. Pretty good. Raunchy enough conversations to make your parents either run into the confessional booth, or the bedroom, depending on what kind of parents you have. *8*
18.) Con Air - Nicholas Cage in slow motion! Nicholas Cage on a plane! Nicholas Cage in Las Vegas (again)! Nicholas Cage with hair extensions! Kinda generic. *4*
19.) Conspiracy Theory - What could have been an intriguing, intense, and clever film about Government cover-ups, turns out to be a insipid, inept, and contrived film about Captain Picard. *4*
20.) Contact - Way more cerebral (hence, Juicy) than most of the Hollywood "event" movie garbage. Really super good, if you like this sort of thing, which you probably would, if you didn't have the attention span of a drunk poodle. *10*
21.) Deconstructing Harry - One of Woody's worst. Kinda a retread of all his others, which are kinda retreads of all of those. Still has some nice slams against the NRA and Republicans. *6*
22.) Devil's Advocate, The - Al Pacino acts like Al Pacino, which is usually good. Keauna Reeves once again proves he can't act. It seemed like I already saw this movie before. Al Pacino gets a blowjob, which makes it worthwhile. *5*
23.) Devil's Own, The - Another movie with Harrison Ford. Doesn't he have an Indiana Jones' script lying around somewhere? Brad Pitt is also in this, I think playing the part of a leprechaun. The family scenes are sappy. The action scenes are boring. I've seen this one before, too. *2*
24.) Face/Off - John Travolta and Nicholas Cage switch faces. Nicholas goes on to fuck John's wife, who obviously doesn't notice the difference in body-fat, penis-size, or sexual-performance. John goes on to take drugs with dealers who obviously don't notice he doesn't take drugs as well as Nicholas. In one scene everyone walks around in KISS boots. What's the deal with KISS boots, lately? *6*
25.) Fifth Element - Bruce Willis defends the universe from Sid Viscous. Lots of topless scenes of a sexy girl with little tits. I was wondering, if she had really huge boobs, and they remade the topless scenes in the exact same way, would this still be rated PG-13, or would it get an R? I'm sensing breast-prejudice in the MPAA. C'mon feminists, do something about this. Oh yeah, the movie sucks. *3*
25.) Flubber - As if.
27.) Full Monty, The - Fat dudes, ugly dudes, old dudes and basically any dude willing to show off his penis in front of a bunch of repulsed(?) women decide to strip for money. It's a comedy. A comedy about penis. How could you go wrong? *7*
28.) Game, The - Michael Douglas plays the part he's played in about 787 different movies. Sean Penn smokes a lot. It's a game. It's kinda okay. Like Monopoly. Boring, but rewarding, although still kind of boring. *6*
29.) Gattaca - This movie bombing at the theater proves to me, once again, that people are idiots with the attention span of monkeys. Great message(s), good acting, and a fairly predictable, but rewarding, mystery. If you're not an idiot, you might want to give it a try. *9*
30.) George of the Jungle - Has fart jokes. I'm anally fixated. *6*
31.) Good Will Hunting - Robin Williams is surprisingly serious, the audience still laughs their ass off. That shows how well written this movie is. A movie where people talk the whole time, and don't do much else. Entertaining. Witty. Sexual. Sad. Funny. And even has fart jokes. Don't miss it. *9*
32.) Grosse Pointe Blank - A romance with guns, eighties nostalgia (why???) and Dan Aykroyd (why???????????). This movie must have had the worst casting director of all time. Still, if you want to see something really scary, steer clear of "Scream," and head to the class reunion at the end of this film. People reliving their past, and dancing to terrible music . . . now that's horrifying. *5*
33.) Hercules - Disney tries to change their formula a little bit, by adding really crappy drawings, and a stupid plot. *5*
34.) Ice Storm, The - When this came out, the critics had a hard time defining it. Is it a movie about family? Adolescence? Really ugly suits? No. It's a movie about what people are willing to do wrong, just to get themselves laid. It's actually pretty depressing. "The Sweet Hereafter" (which also came out in '97) worked on the same premise, and did a far better job. Unless you're planning on killing yourself anytime soon, I'd overlook the abysmal "Ice Storm", in favor of the gloomy "Sweet Hereafter". I must admit, though, that these two films would make the perfect "suicide double feature." You won't even have to leave a note (just make sure the tapes are rewound)! *6*
35.) I Know What You Did Last Summer - I was probably watching way better horror movies than this. *4*
36.) In & Out - Another movie where open-minded Americans can giggle at seeing two guys kiss. Since when did being gay become a trend? I thought it was a preference. *4*
37.) In the Company of Men - A totally sadistic, immoral, and kinda depressing film about a sociopath, his easily manipulated friend, and a deaf girl who's being screwed over by both. Pretty fun, if you like this sort of thing. Which, as a human, I'm sure you do. *7*
38.) Juicy Cerebellum: The Movie, The: Just seeing if you were paying attention.
39.) L.A. Confidential - Wanna play with your brain? Go see this movie! Harder-boiled than the hardest-boiled of detective stories it pays homage to, and one of the best films of the year. One of the best films ever! *10*
40.) Liar Liar - Although most of the funny stuff was on the commercials, and most of the commercials were on 24 hours a day, there's still a couple jokes that you missed, and what you've already saw is pretty funny. Too bad they had to add the idiotic "father-wants-son-who-wants-father-back-but-mother-loves-another-guy-that-she-doesn't-really-love" plotline. *8*
41.) Lost World, The - Loud, vengeful, and pissed off. These dinosaurs are holding a grudge! (Can I have that job at the advertising agency, yet?) The blood thirsty carnivores (Steven Spielberg included) succeed in creating what has to be the grittiest, most darkly comedic "event" movie, of all-time. You'll notice the first 30 minutes are kind of boring, the script is close to horrible, and it was intended to be nothing more than a money-making machine. But, when the action starts, you're not going to care about any of that. This is one movie that's worth turning your brain off for! Run screaming into the videostore, insist that those late fees aren't yours, and go home to watch a whole bunch of stupid people getting chomped on! (I really want that job, now.) *9*
42.) Men in Black - I betcha Ray-Ban loved it. *4*
43.) Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil - This movie had a lot of potential. It didn't use any of it. If you've been a big fan of Bill Clinton's presidency, you'd probably enjoy it. *2*
44.) My Best Friend's Wedding - Jeez this piece of junk is lucky Batman and Robin came out the same year, otherwise it would have had to accept The Juicy Cerebellum's "worst movie of 1997" award. *1*
45.) One Fine Day - Batman and Catwoman play single parents with a crush, in this cheesy, sappy, crappy waste of my time. It'll be "one fine day" indeed, when the studios stop shoveling out recycled shit such as this. *1*
46.) Out to Sea - A really, really bad version of "Grumpy Old Men," mixed with a . . . well, a typical episode of "The Love Boat." The only explanation I can come up with is that Walter Mathau and Jack Lemmon (both excellent actors, in their own right) are gay, and will take any part together, as long as it pays good, and they can buttfuck. *3*
47.) Picture Perfect - They wish. *5*
48.) Postman, The - Mom, Kevin thinks he's Jesus again . . . *5*
49.) Private Parts - One of the funniest comedies ever, although in a "Beavis and Butthead," rather than "Good Will Hunting" sort of way. Lots of boobs, lesbians and a guy with a really big nose, that considers himself sexy. Sort of like "Juicy Cerebellum: The Movie." You'll like it, unless you're one of those people that I would never like. *9*
50.) Relic, The - I wonder if they've ever seen "Alien." *5*
51.) Rosewood - Another movie showing the hatred, and pain, brought on by racism. I would say this is the most overlooked movie of 1997. As powerful as "Schindler's List." Gut-wrenching, hard to get through, but should be watched by everyone. Especially "shit-fer-brain" hicks, that need a good "talkin'" to. *10*
52.) Saint, The - Val Kilmer wears about 500 wigs, and comes out looking like Jim Morrison in nearly every one. Halfway entertaining, but far too many plotholes (Elisabeth Shue figures out that, no matter what accent he's using, he always goes under the name of a saint. This takes her about 32 seconds. The thought never occurred to the FBI, CIA and other numerous organizations that were pursuing this man for all these years. Hmm . . .). Still, Elisabeth Shue's cleavage makes up for all the times in which I rolled my eyes. *6*
53.) Scream 2 - Actually lived up to the first one, almost. I liked the original ending way better. This one seems tacked on, and cheesy, sort of like Scooby-Doo. Then again, there's nothing wrong with Scooby-Doo. *8*
54.) Spawn - Hey, Todd, about that "perfect" script, you should have waited even longer . . . *3*
55.) Speed 2: Cruise Control - And you thought the name was bad. This is thee worst action movie ever created. Granted, I haven't seen every action movie there is, but I've seen enough to know that you can't sink any lower than this pile of crap. (Did you notice my witty, yet subtle "sink" reference? A reference made in a movie about a boat. Get it? I'm so clever.) This film should be thrown into the ocean, along with anyone that had anything to do with it. And anyone that liked it. And all their pets. And every person that their pets have licked. And any person that's shaken hands with a person who's been licked by the pet of a person who likes this movie. Shit, let's just kill everyone. Start over again, and hope "Speed 3" is never created. *1*
56.) Starship Troopers - Bloody as Hell, and fun as fuck! A mindless "kill-em-all" action flick, that actually has a mind (that makes no sense). Satirizes the Nazi regime, and how mindless and violent humans are so well that a lot of humans thought it was a Nazi movie. Stupid, stupid humans. *9*
57.) Sweet Hereafter, The - My most undecided film of the year. I loved this guy's last movie, "Exotica," and looked forward to this for a long, long time. The critics praised it, and that gave me even more of a boner for seeing it. Then I saw it, and left giving it a 7. Now, just like "Exotica" did, it's starting to grow on me, and I'm guessing it will end up with a 9 or a 10.
58.) Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation - Although this was actually made in like 1914, or something, it wasn't "officially" released until 1997, after two of its stars with names that are really hard to spell (Renee Zellweger and Matthew McConaughey) made it big. I've always liked "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre," and this was the closest to the feel of the original, but I think it left too many loose ends, even if it did do it deliberately. And what's with the heavy metal music? *8*
59.) Titanic - Cliched love story, poorly written script, horrible dialogue, and the best damn movie in years! I'd recommend this to anyone with a pulse. Fuck it, I'd dig up the dead and crack their bony asses down into a seat to watch it. Worth seeing. Three times. *10*
60.) Tomorrow Never Dies - Karate chick. James Bond. Explosions. Bond is back, and . . . uh . . . well, he's back, at least, isn't that enough? *5*
61.) Trial and Error - Imagine "Dukes of Hazzard" meets "My Cousin Vinny" meets a really horrible screenwriter, and crummy director. Kramer expands his range by wearing his hair down, and Jeff Daniels plays himself, again. Would probably be worth a viewing, if you were dead. *1*
62.) Turbo: A Power Rangers Movie - Just kidding.
63.) Turbulence - This movie is obviously trying to be "The Shining" on a gigantic plane. It turns out to be more like "Friday the 13th Part 10: Jason Takes a Plane, and Stalks Stupid People Who Used To Have Sex With Jim Carrey." Probably the worst plot I've ever seen. In a horror movie, it's expected that the characters will do all the wrong things. In this one, the screenwriter, director, and actors all follow their lead. *4*
64.) The Man Who Knew Too Little - I've been known to like some pretty shitty comedies. This is most likely one of them. *8*
65.) U Turn - Boy did Oliver Stone ever go astray with this one. Boring. Long. Boring. Long. Did I mention it was boring? How about long? *2*
66.) Vegas Vacation - I have to admit that, for some reason, I love the Vacation movies. The first one was a classic, and the first R-rated movie I saw at the theater. I don't think I've ever anticipated something so strongly. "R-rated," I thought to myself, "I bet people have sex for the whole movie, and stuff." Well, it wasn't quite that bad, but it was a hell of a lot more raunchy than this family-coated-fluff. Tamed down for kiddie-appeal, this is the bummer of the bunch (yes, it's even worse than "European"), and should have never came out. Did you notice I started sounding like a real critic in that review? Yikes! Thank Heaven we're up to V. *5*
67.) Wag the Dog - The most unrealistic movie I've ever seen. I walked out after 45 minutes. *1*
I didn't bother checking the spelling of any of the actors/characters names on this page. You can email me at firstname.lastname@example.org to tell me all the junk I spelled wrong, or how much you loved "Batman and Robin," or whatever.
ęCopyright 1998 Alex Sandell [All Rights Reserved]. The titles to the movies are copyrighted, registered, patented and trademarked by their respective owners, as are the majority of actors mentioned on this page.
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