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it's twisted,it's real! "The hardest dream to wake from, is the one that makes
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More On Movies:
The Last Word On Film Is Juicy!
Written by: Alex Sandell, who thinks he's sooooo clever for coming up with that "more on" play on words (more on = moron, get it? "Moron Movies?!?")
A couple of movie studios, always eager to expand their oversized pocketbook's, have now added a new feature to their sites: AUCTIONS. For the times when owning a T-shirt just isn't enough, you can buy things like the Mini-Me outfit for only five-THOUSAND dollars. Or, how about roller girl's outfit (there's not much there) for a measly four-thousand? Not only do these auctions make the ultra-greedy studios wealthier, it makes for nice advertising too. "It's a way of getting people on your site, and once they're there, you hope they'll stay and move around to other areas, click and travel the neighborhood" says some guy who was probably squeezed out of the womb of a wallet. Oh, how splendid! Come for the insanely-priced auctions, stay for the hefty-priced baseball caps! Then, of course, you have to remember that these studio sites are nothing more than advertisements for their bloody movies in the first fucking place, and you can see that they've got a pretty good deal going. But, the studios "say" they donate "part" of the proceeds to charity. Ah, Hollywood . . . take a million, give back a buck.
If you pay anything more than a buck to see The Haunting this weekend, you're getting screwed royally. I don't want to give anything away (cuz I want you to read all my rantings and ravings in my review, up Friday, at the Cerebellum), but I just have to mention, to all those greedy studios, DROP THE CGI, YOU FUCKING MORONS! IF I WANTED TO WATCH A LIVE-ACTION CARTOON, I'D RENT ROGER RABBIT! Why does every movie have to add computer graphics, nowadays? The Phantom Menace, good as it was, looked like a big video game with a couple people thrown in, and now we have this ludicrous joke known as The Haunting. Guess what, Dreamworks? The original was ten times better, and that was made a loooooooong time ago, when "CGI" was nothing more than three random letters. Hey, if for no other reason, why not drop this video game splatter for this profit-related issue: you can't auction off an image made on some geek's computer. I can just see the studio heads letting out a collective, "DOH!"
While we're talking about all things, "DOH!"-related, why not mention The Simpsons? Ever wonder why every other TV show in the world has hit the big screen, while The Simpsons sticks around, making little funnies on your television set? Ever wonder if the success of things like Beavis and Butthead Do America and South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut make the Simpson folks a tad jealous? Me too. It's good to know I'm not the only one. Thanks.
I'd like to also give thanks to the group of 30 critics who signed a letter which was strongly opposed to the moronic digital masking (more CGI, for those of you keeping score) of the spectacular orgy scene in Eyes Wide Shut. They also took a big stab at the MPAA by saying, "the double standard the MPAA continues to maintain when it comes to sexual and violent movie content particularly chilling." I think they should have used a "is" before the word "particularly," but these are critics, and they were probably going for the "art-house" thing. Still, what they said ... particularly right. I cannot understand why grown adults can't make up their own mind on whether or not they want to see nude people. Even nude people fornicating. Even nude people fornicating while taking a shit. Why are certain people so ashamed of the fact that without clothes on, they're naked? This puritanical crap should have went out with the black plague. Still, this isn't nearly as upsetting as the fact that my female companion of the last two years has left me stranded, and I probably will be without sex for a long, long time. She even had a big set of knockers. Now someone else is probably sucking them. SOMEBODY FUCK ME!
In More On Movies' news (rather than news in "More On Movies"): SOMEBODY FUCK ME! (Did I say that, already?)
Haven't joined the "More On Movies" mailing-list yet? That's probably why you haven't received like a week's worth, now! You missed a LOT of movie news, views and reviews. Are you going to go and miss another week's as well? Why pass up something that's free? Get the movie news in your email-box every day! Simply send an email to email@example.com reading "Midgets Love Movies"! Sign up, now! Be the first to get all the movie news, AS IT HAPPENS!
To those of you who wrote in saying you haven't signed up because your roommates, parents, or whatever, might get mad over the "naughty" words: tell your fellow tenants to lighten up. Jelly on the rectum is said to help.
To those of you who wrote in saying you haven't signed up because you're scared I'll send you "SPAM," don't worry, I won't. I only send you a newsletter, once a day. That's it. Jeez . . . stop being so paranoid.
If you have any tips about upcoming movie releases, behind the scenes events, or just anything about movies, in general, send them to firstname.lastname@example.org Trust me, I'll ask you to back this stuff up, so don't just make junk up and send it in. Well, you can, but if you do, make sure to tell me it's made up! Yes, I will keep ALL your personal information confidential.
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©1999 Alex Sandell [All Rights Reserved]. Copy this, without my permission, and I'll send a fat lady over to your house and have her pee on you!
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