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More On Movies:
The Last Word On Film Is Juicy!
Written by: Alex Sandell, who thinks he's sooooo clever for coming up with that "more on" play on words (more on = moron, get it? "Moron Movies?!?")
|There is no God, and humans are idiots. He with the most advertising money wins, and we are all sheep. Most of America has too much money, too much time, and not nearly enough brain-cells to deal with it all. This weekend's box-office proved to me that I've been right all along. Usually I save the box-office numbers for last, but this time, it couldn't wait. How could The Haunting, easily the worst reviewed film of the year, take the number one spot with an estimated 33 million dollars? I predicted a number one opening for it, but with 20 million, tops. You people can read, right? I'm not the only one left with that capability, am I? Why would anyone EVER go see|
this movie after reading how horrible it was? And, if
most of America can't read, and I really am one of the last people on earth to
possess this uncanny ability, can't people at least discriminate between an obvious pile
of shit that's being pushed on them and a quality film? If you advertise it, they
will come?!? It's not just some fantasy about Darth Vader, Kevin Costner, and a baseball
field? You can just spew out any old pile of vomit and have people flocking to it,
if you simply advertise it enough? "Vomit . . . COMING
SOON!" "Vomit . . . AT A THEATER NEAR YOU!" "Vomit . . . from the creator of Speed and Twister and brought to you by the guy who gave us Hook and Goonies." "Vomit . . . America, it's time to puke!" No one gives a good gawd damn that it's a rancid pile of puke spewed out of some rich guy's mouth? Is it true that people really could care less how good a film is, but just how many times it's been advertised? We've evolved from a pile of goo to spend 33 million dollars to stare at a mountain of vomit? It couldn't be. It must be a mistake, right? It's only a fluke. Like the 22 million Inspector Gadget, another movie that's about as much fun as having your anus probed by an S&M doctor with Freddy Krueger's fingers, is estimated to have made this weekend. Does this have something to do with the end of the world? Y2K must be involved. It's a lie, right? My post-sex life has left me with abandonment issues and crazy nightmares about two of the worst movies ever made taking the top two spots at the box-office in a single week. That's gotta be it. It has nothing to do with McDonald's toys and CGI blackmail. America and Canada aren't really comprised of total fucking morons, I'm just in a state of delirium. Ah . . . that's better. Now, let me look what really made it into the top 2 spots. Oh. Shit. The Haunting and Inspector Gadget. I guess people really are idiotic followers with no sense of taste, or maybe even no sense at all. I wonder what number three is? It's gotta be Eyes Wide Shut, right? I mean, there's a movie that doesn't do the thinking for you. Something that forces the audience to participate a little. Yeah, that'll be number three. It was number one, last week, it couldn't have dropped more than two places. Or, maybe it could. In its place, we have the insipid American Pie. But, that should be there, right? I mean, it's been a LONG time since we had a movie with dirty jokes and teenagers. Especially one that's really shitty. I'm glad that a really GOOD movie with dirty jokes and teenagers, like Election bombed, because otherwise I may think society, as a whole, is actually growing a brain. That could be scary. Who would I have to laugh at, if that ever happened? PLEASE! If you're reading this, and haven't seen Eyes Wide Shut, skipped Election but just LOVE The Haunting, Inspector Gadget, and American Pie, STAY STUPID! I need your stupidity to keep my juices flowing. Without people like you, I might actually smile on occasion, and would possibly find myself falling out of this perpetual state of annoyance I'm in. We wouldn't want that, would we? So, go drink a couple of 40's and rent Porky's. Why waste brain-cells on boring things like reading, when beer can waste them for you? It's thanks to you that American Pie took in another 10.3 million dollars. Without you, I wouldn't be bitching about the sequel, in couple of years. Moving on, number four reminds us that there are "big people" movies out there, after-all! Hey, big people, I'd like to thank each of you who bothered to sit through Eyes Wide Shut. Sure, it wasn't paced as quickly as last week's Real World, and didn't have all the hot looking teenagers with sexual angst that you've grown accustomed to from two years of Dawson's Creek, but maybe you found something in it to like, anyway. At least you probably found it a bit more meaningful than Big Daddy, Adam Sandler's worst movie, and also, his biggest hit (pretend to be surprised). Daddy took in an estimated 6.1 million for a fifth place finish. What a weekend. In better news, The Blair Witch Project, which is a bit overrated, itself, but at least gets an "A" for effort, pulled in 2 million in only 31 theaters. That's a per-screen-average of 64,500. Over 50,000 dollars more than The Haunting brought in, per-screen, during the same weekend. This doesn't necessarily mean there's a God, but maybe there's a Jesus out there, or something.
Any hopes of a Jesus may be diminished when you find out that Jimmy Carter and Gerald Ford, are just the most recent participants in the post-Columbine onslaught against violence and sex (yes, sex) in movies. The two of them were part of a large group of politicians and entertainers (stupid entertainers like Naomi Judd who haven't ever really entertained anyone with any taste in the first place) who signed a letter, or were at a news conference, or were just really bored and tired of peanuts and alcoholic wives, so decided to do a little of that trendy finger-pointing the world's grown so fond of since those two nutty bastards shot down some people in a suburban school in Colorado where people must "count" more than those crazy "niggers" who have been getting gunned down for years with no one in power really giving a damn. The message called on "industry leaders in all media television, film, music, video and electronic games" and asked them to "band together to develop a new voluntary code of conduct." Luckily, they didn't directly "call upon" people who develop websites or write newsletters, so I guess I'm safe to say, as I have so many times before, that violence in television, film, music, and/or video and electronic games didn't cause anyone to murder anyone else unless that person already had a predisposition toward slaughtering his or her peers, and, in that case, probably would have with or without a television or movie to watch. And sex? SEX???? When did sex become involved? Are they saying that Harris and that other guy that wasn't Harris murdered those people because they weren't getting any, and watched Porky's too many times? Fuck that. Next thing you know, they'll be burning books. Did I say "burning?" I meant "blaming." What was I thinking? As if anyone would ever burn a book.
On the same topic, some dork was sentenced to life in prison for killing his mom, today. He blamed the movie Scream (as so many people seem to be doing, lately) and his television set. He said that he had watched TV since he was "seven" and that it was "ironic" that people say not to "let people watch TV at that age because it really does affect them." I'm guessing that if the mother actually did do her "job," and blocked the child from watching TV, the little freak would have just killed her ten years ago, for grounding him from the television set. What's wrong with teenagers these days? Back in my day, if we decided to kill someone, we'd blame drugs or some ex-girlfriend. Now it's nothing but movies and TVs. It's like all these delinquent murderers are junior politicians. Pretty soon they'll be blaming negative campaigning, depleting Social Security, and "waffling."
Then, just because I feel like writing about it, even though it's old news, it's rumored, once again, that Kevin Costner will be playing the brother of Indy in the next Indiana Jones. Does this mean Harrison Ford actually will be back to star? Will the movie be 7 hours long, and feature lots of slo-mo shots of Costner pretending he's God? Do we get to see his butt, again? Keep watching . . .
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©1999 Alex Sandell [All Rights Reserved]. Copy this, without my permission, and I'll send a fat lady over to your house and have her pee on you!
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