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More On Movies: Volume 14
The Last Word On Film Is Juicy!
Written by:  Alex Sandell, who thinks he's sooooo clever for coming up with that "more on" play on words (more on = moron, get it?  "Moron Movies?!?")

Supposedly, Jaws 5 has finally been greenlighted (everyone that I've called at Universal has denied this).  I guess it became a "go" after a Universal studio exec. heard a group of kids behind him bickering over how much they "wish it could have been a Jaws movie" after viewing a Deep Blue Sea (why does that name remind me of some sort of exotic anti-perspirant, every time that I hear it?) trailer.  There have been two scripts mentioned.  The first (my favorite) is about a shipwrecked group of people whose ship happens to have sunk smack-dab in the middle of a shark-infested section of the ocean.  Lifeboat by lifeboat, the people are chomped, chewed and devoured by great whites.  That's right, it isn't just one, this time, it's more like the passengers landed in the middle of the Jaws family reunion.  The claustrophobic terror this film could cause, if it's done right, would be unparalleled.  Imagine being stuck in a little life raft, surrounded by even more little life rafts, wondering which one the shark is hiding under.  Imagine being in the life raft the shark was under, and decided to flip over, looking for a snack.  Imagine swimming through the bloodied water, trying to get to another raft, as your friends begin getting chewed apart.   Imagine that there would be no one there to help.  No spear-guns, no helicopters, no shore to swim to.  Just the ocean, some rafts, and a bunch of hungry great whites.  Imagine the possibilities, if it was done right (I.E. - If Jan De Bont didn't direct it).  The second script idea, and the one that looks like it's going to come to fruition, is a direct sequel to the first two films.  It supposedly starts with some guy trying to commit suicide by jumping off of the Golden Gate bridge.  He survives the fall, only to be torn into shreds by a gigantic shark which was waiting for him below.  Jeesh . . . not even in death, can this guy get lucky.   The whole thing is chalked up as nothing more than an "odd incident," and things return to normal, for about two days, when even more shark attacks occur.  A research boat, The Orca II, is brought in to investigate the matter.  The research vessel and special-teams research crew is led by none other than, Matt Hooper (Richard Dreyfuss, who is desperately in need of a hit), who discover that a change in water temperature has caused a migration of sharks to come closer to shore.  They destroy most of the smaller sharks, and are about to drive their boat off into another sequel, when they find out that a gigantic, 30-foot (why are all the "big" under-water monsters 30-feet?  I'd like to see a damn shark so big there is no more ocean.  People just have to build freeways beside it, and hope it doesn't snap at their new Mazda.  Animal Right's activists could feed it "Make A Wish" children when it needs to eat, and spray it with water, when it needs to breathe.   Now there's a movie.) great white is making its way toward the bay just in time to feast on a bunch of party goers who are celebrating some big event, or another.   I'm sure people will have trouble believing good 'ol Hooper, and some Mayor will say, "you said you killed the sharks . . . the problem is solved!"   Then, of course, all the stupid people will go swimming, even though they have read report after report that sharks were killing people left and right, and Hooper will have to save the day.  This all seems a little far-fetched, but, if anyone can pull it off, it would be Steven Spielberg, who is said to suddenly be showing interest in returning to the series that made him a household name, as long as there is at least a guest appearance by original star, Roy Scheider, reprising his role as Martin Brody.  Also, rumor has it that Spielberg is insisting on a huge budget, due to the fact that he wants the whole thing done with those dreaded Computer Generated Images, no mechanical, or real, sharks involved.  I have to admit, that kind of ticked me off.  At least, if this rumor is true, he's also insisting on an intelligent script, and wants it to appear as though the horrible Jaws 3 and 4 never happened.  I could live with that.  I just wonder if casper the computer animated shark could actually give me the chills?  Here's to a fast, fast technological leap forward in the CGI department! 

Speaking of CGI, I guess Douglas Adams, whose Hitchhikers' Guide To The Galaxy is finally being brought to the silver screen by Walt Disney, is elated over the rampant use of computer images in movies.  "Ironically, this is the right time to do the book justice," Adams blurted out to the Sunday Times. "Not only do we now have the technology to pull it off with fantastic computer graphics, but audiences are more sophisticated and will be able to relate to the ideas on screen." Uh . . . audiences are more sophisticated?  I'm assuming Adams didn't pay attention to last weekend's box-office.   Still, without someone feeling all gooey over those cartoons they're throwing in all the live-action movies these days, George Lucas would be out of work.   Then, how would he pay for the next Star Wars?  He's an "independent" filmmaker, you know?  He's not rich, either.  All the money from one film just goes into the next.  No . . . really, he means that!

Since we're all awing over this CGI stuff, why not just take it all the way?  Like one of those Pixar films.  You know the ones?   Toy Story, Toy Story 2:  I used to be made for video, but now Disney thinks they can grab a few million at the theaters, first, and last year's A Bug's Life.  Anyway, according to this person that spouts out rumors on the Internet (no, I'm not talking about myself) faster than a bulimic pukes up a meal, a sequel and/or remake to the 1980's bomb, Tron may be in the works, only, this time, it will be all digital.  Like Toy Story!  But, WAIT!   Don't jump up and down for joy, just yet, this rumor seems to have been squashed by the one that says Disney is eyeing the movie for a full-length animated feature, done in the "classic" style of films such as Tarzan and South Park, titled, Warriors of Tron.  Oh, boy!  I'm already in line!  What if they did BOTH films?  I'd have to create a clone, just so I could make sure I see each show on opening night!  DUO Tron adventures!  I've waited nearly two decades for this!  One Tron first, and then another Tron second!   WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!  Now I'm all "Tronny" feeling.   Really, how could you get better than the original Tron?  But, if anyone could do it, Disney can!  Maybe they could add some song and dance numbers.  Tron songs!!!  This just gets better all the time.   There could be funny little sidekicks like "Mick the Computer Chip," "Penty the Pentium" and the always goofy, "Bill Gates!"  YOWZA!   I need to go shower off this excitement, or I just might melt! 

Now, for something totally different:  Ian McKellen is set to play Gandalf in The Lord of the Rings.  No, I don't think he'll be computer animated.  He is gay, though.  It said so in Gods and Monsters.  If you haven't seen it yet, you should, it's a damn good film.   On that note, I'm heading out for the night.  Until next time . . . STAY JUICY!

Haven't joined the "More On Movies" mailing-list yet?  That's probably why you haven't received like a week's worth, now!  You missed a LOT of movie news, views and reviews.  Are you going to go and miss another week's as well?  Why pass up something that's free?  Get the movie news in your email-box every day!  Simply send an email to alex@juicycerebellum.com reading "Midgets Love Movies"!  Sign up, now!   Be the first to get all the movie news, AS IT HAPPENS!   

To those of you who wrote in saying you haven't signed up because your roommates, parents, or whatever, might get mad over the "naughty" words:  tell your fellow tenants to lighten up.  Jelly on the rectum is said to help.

To those of you who wrote in saying you haven't signed up because you're scared I'll send you "SPAM," don't worry, I won't.   I only send you a newsletter, once a day.  That's it.  Jeez . . . stop being so paranoid.

If you have any tips about upcoming movie releases, behind the scenes events, or just anything about movies, in general, send them to alex@juicycerebellum.com Trust me, I'll ask you to back this stuff up, so don't just make junk up and send it in.   Well, you can, but if you do, make sure to tell me it's made up!  Yes, I will keep ALL your personal information confidential.

If you want to comment on "More On Movies" write to, you guessed it, alex@juicycerebellum.com

1999 Alex Sandell [All Rights Reserved].   Copy this, without my permission, and I'll send a fat lady over to your house and have her pee on you!

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