"Hey, are you still alive? You
used to send columns every few days or so and
now nothing. I love the website and the new reviews and just was wondering
why the gap? Hopefully it's not because there are all these crappy movies
out now and you were forced to shoot yourself simply to escape the
brainnumbingness of another Hollywood failure."
-"King," a "More On Movies" reader explaining the absence of newsletters, as of late
More On Movies: Volume 17
The Last Word On Film Is Juicy!
Written by: Alex Sandell, who thinks he's sooooo clever for coming up with that "more on" play on words (more on = moron, get it? "Moron Movies?!?")
There's been tons of Movie News since I wrote last Friday (yeah, "daily" my ass!). Someone claimed there was going to be a Rocky VI only to have someone else claim that there wasn't going to be, being that Sylvester Stallone was really old 20 years ago, and the first five weren't very good in the first place. George Lucas and Steven Spielberg decided to rename Raiders of the Lost Ark. It's now "officially" titled, Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark, which caused me to laugh 17 minutes straight, before throwing up. I wonder if the two of them will rename anything else, for "special edition" purposes? Amistad could be changed to Amistad 2000: The Politically Correct Edition. Jaws could sell another couple million copies as The Movie A Bunch of Other Movies Ripped Off. E.T., would, of course, be renamed, The Little Alien Who Drank Too Much, and would be re-released as an after-school special on CBS. Star Wars could be changed to, How I Learned To Stop Worrying and Let Ronald Reagan Rip Off My Name. Goonies would easily be re-titled as, I May Be Able To Direct, But As a Writer, I Sure Am a Goon. Willow is obviously nothing more than Little Women and Men (Who Never Get Any Bigger). Howard the Duck can be switched to Wow, Does George Lucas Suck and Hook can come out as Pot-Bellied Men In Tights (without a good plot). Basically, what it all boils down to, is this: if it ain't broke, don't fucking fix it! Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark sounds about as tacky as Lactation Nation: The Big Boobie Edition, or Voluptuous Vixens on Crack. With every "special edition" made, it reminds me of how detached the directors have become. We don't keep coming back to these movies for hot new computer effects, or "neat" new names, we come back because they take us back to our childhood, or let us relive some memory that has been long forgotten. Somehow, I don't remember Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark. I remember Raiders of the Lost Ark. The hero's name was "Indy." The director and writer still had a head on their shoulder. Ah . . . the good old days.
Speaking of "the good old days," does anyone remember when The Blair Witch Project was considered good??? Here's a SMALL portion of quotes I've gotten from emails saying they "agree" with the review on The Juicy Cerebellum (www.juicycerebellum.com), with a few exceptions. "Dude - I agree with most of what you wrote, but I thought even the end sucked." "What a pile of shit. At least there's ONE critic who didn't praise it. Thanks for being HONEST in your review and not just another critic sheep who claimed it was the 'scariest movie ever'." "I hated the film and my friend fell asleep in it. I loved your review until you praised the end. What the fuck was so scary about the end?" "You basically slam the film until the last few minutes and you say they are scary. They aren't. They're boring. What was scary about them?" "I loved your review because it was the only one that said the film all but sucked. You liked the ending. Maybe it moved too quick but I didn't even understand what HAPPENED at the end." Okay, let me explain why I praised the ending, since about three-million of you asked. *SPOILERS ARE INCLUDED. IF YOU HAVEN'T SEEN IT, AND WANT TO, SKIP THE REST OF THIS PARAGRAPH* What I thought was memorable about the ending, and what those of you writing didn't notice, was the fact that what's-his-dick was standing in the corner, covering his eyes. A lot of you thought he was hanging there, and was the killer, or was an extra that was filmed by accident. All three of those assumptions were wrong. What he was was that guy who overacted a lot, and ran in the house with that pretentious chick who sucked dick. If you remember, there was that story at the beginning about that guy who killed a bunch of kids (I don't remember how many, and I don't really care), saying he did it because the "Blair Witch" possessed him. Being that he hated one child seeing the other being killed, he made the first child (the second to be murdered) stand in the corner with his eyes closed. What that one forgettable dude, in the corner, at the end of the movie, was doing, was standing in the corner, covering his eyes, waiting for that pretentious film chick to get it. That's why a lot of the audience gasped. They KNEW she was the first to be killed, being that he was forced to hide. That's a fact. That's what the filmmakers intended. I'll take it even farther and say that I think Josh (the dude whose stuff was slimed) was possessed by the Blair Witch, and was the killer. That's why he disappeared, and why they heard him calling from the house. Then again, who really gives a shit? The film is making a fortune based on hype, alone. It's not that great a movie, and I'm starting to think a "6" was too much for it. I should have given it like a 4. Fuck hype, and fuck the moronic "Blair Witch." It's a gimmick. I can't believe how many people have written to me thinking it was a TRUE story. People, IT WAS FAKE! It was as fake as my ex. It was so damn fake, even Lost In Space looks realistic. Don't let your friends sucker you into this bullshit. Texas Chainsaw Massacre (which also tried to pull itself off as a "true" story), it ain't.
But, like Texas Chainsaw Massacre, it's gonna have sequels . . . LOTS of them. Daniel Myrick and Eduardo Sanchez, the writer/director team that created Blair Witch, have already outlined two sequels, and two prequels, for the film. The prequels sound totally fucking awesome, being that movies with the nuts to center on a child serial killer are pretty cool. The sequels *boring* may involve the search for the missing filmmakers. Those obnoxious idiots we've already had enough of in the first one. I think they already explored this premise on the Sci-Fi channel. Why do it again? Does ANYONE like the three leads in The Blair Witch Project? I didn't think so. Then there's a sequel idea that is said to be far too "out-there" to be discussed with the likes of me. I think this is just more hype. If it's too "out-there" to discuss, it's not going to be approved by the rich guys who fund the film. I feel more hype coming on. With five more Blair Witch films, maybe just a bit too much hype. You only live once, you know? If you're gonna spend your life watching sequels, why not hunt down those Indiana Jones and their groovy new names?
In some GOOD sequel news, The Kids In The Hall may make a comeback. So far, it's just as a play, doing the classic material, and not much more. If that hits it off, there MAY be a new movie. Being that the first movie kind of sucked (in a good sort of way), this would be the time to show the world how GREAT (even if they are Canadian, damnit) The Kids In The Hall really are. I, for one, have my fingers crossed. I'd say I have an erection, but I've been limp, as of late.
Since we're obsessing about sequels (don't deny it. I mentioned Rocky VI.), I figured I'd bring up the sequel to Beetlejuice. It's supposedly titled Beetlejuice in Hell (which I highly doubt, being that the MPAA won't accept the word "Hell" in the wake of the Columbine tragedies) and features an anxious Beetlejuice, who wants to be dead again, playing a part that puts him in Hell, rather than the eternal Limbo. I'd say the rumor is a bunch of crap, and the person I heard it from nearly confirms this. There's been a Beetlejuice rumor since around the same time people claimed there would be a second coming of Christ. But, this is what I've heard, so I spread it to you. Doubt it, my friends, and accept antibiotics. Christian-Science is fucked-up, and your movie-going life is on the line.
Haven't joined the "More On Movies" mailing-list yet? That's probably why you haven't received like a week's worth, now! You missed a LOT of movie news, views and reviews. Are you going to go and miss another week's as well? Why pass up something that's free? Get the movie news in your email-box every day! Simply send an email to email@example.com reading "Midgets Love Movies"! Sign up, now! Be the first to get all the movie news, AS IT HAPPENS!
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©1999 Alex Sandell [All Rights Reserved]. Copy this, without my permission, and I'll send a fat lady over to your house and have her pee on you!
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