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The Last Word On Film Is Juicy!
Written by: Alex Sandell, who thinks he's sooooo clever for coming up with that "more on" play on words (more on = moron, get it? "Moron Movies?!?")
Is it just me, or are all these Blair Witch Project parodies wearing thin? There's the one online with Jar Jar Binks, the CGI guy from The Phantom Menace, imitating the flashlight/snotty-nose scene that's become nearly infamous. There's some new show coming on NBC (I think) where that guy who was Doogie Howser is in a tent, all terrified over his costar, who is shaking things around and making funny noises. Finally, there's the new Detroit Rock City ad claiming the kids filmed a documentary, on their way to a KISS concert, and 20 years later, it was found. Are all these marketing gurus so hard-up for ideas, that all they can do is parody a mediocre horror movie to advertise their products? Once I saw The Blair Witch Project was gracing both the cover of Time and Newsweek, two supposed "news" magazines, I thought it had gone as far as it could go. On Wednesday, I entered the woods and wrote a column about it. Two days later, it was discovered . . .
Since I'm kind of on the subject of Detroit Rock City (or at least how badly it's ripping other things off), I may as well mention that the Catholic League for Religious and Civil Rights is attacking the film for supposedly being anti-Catholic. They're offended that a Priest likes some guy's mom, and that the mom is "coarse and hypocritical." Sounds like your typical Catholic, or at least typical member of the Catholic League. They should be bragging about the accurate portrayal, rather than bitching over how "biased" it is. I can't really say much on how "anti"-Catholic the film is, being that I turned down seeing the damn thing for free, since I can't stand KISS, Gene Simmons has about as much talent as a retarded 3-month old, and the movie looks like another idiotic last grasp at "maintaining" the fame the makeup clad foursome once had. In the spirit of the Catholic League, I should probably judge the movie in advance, and warn you all NOT to see it. The greasepaint might give you zits.
And, since I was primarily on the subject of the Catholic League, I may as well mention that they have now created a "booklet" (ooh ... scary) on Kevin Smith's new film, Dogma. The League has yet to see the film, but they now claim to have a "script." Oddly, they are not going to criticize the script, but it "prefers to convince the public of the Catholic-bashing elements in the movie by simply quoting what those involved in the movie have said about it." Something smells fishy, and I haven't seen a nun spread her legs in at least a week. Why wouldn't they bash the film, itself, if it's so anti-catholic? Is the film actually, as Kevin Smith has claimed, simple satire that isn't meant to directly offend ANY religion? Or, is the Catholic League, most likely after receiving 2 or 300 emails from me, and other loyal Anti-Catholic League members, bitching about how hypocritical it is to slam a movie they have never seen, feeling embarrassed, and, in turn, is lying about having the script, just to give themselves some credibility?
Speaking of credibility, George Lucas has gained back a little bit more from die-hard Star Wars fans who were disappointed with the "kiddie" spin of The Phantom Menace. Lucas claims that Episode 3, the final Star Wars' film (due out in 2005), will be the darkest one yet. He's guessing it will make less money than any of the other Star Wars movies, due to its depressing nature. He has labeled it a "tragedy" and rumor has it that the ending is going to be so intense some Star Wars' fans won't be able to get through it. Cool!
Since we're talking "cool," I may as well mention Warren Beatty's current interest in being our next president. Labeling himself as a "liberal democrat" (the best kind), Beatty says that the United States' political system is veering dangerously close to a plutocracy, and he wants things changed. I just want to give him my overwhelming thumbs up, if he honestly believes in what he is saying, and means what he said in the exceptional film, Bulworth. From what I gathered in Bulworth, Beatty would be against racism, for socialism, for universal medical coverage, against censorship, for mixed-marriages, against uppity rich fucks controlling the country, and for ending poverty, once and for all. Sounds good to me. If he runs, vote for him. Hey, he's a movie star, what else could you ask for? (Ignore the "Ronald"-incident.)
If money really talks, Mike Myers would become President Myers in no time flat. The guy who brought us the hit Wayne's World, the overlooked bomb, Wayne's World 2, the kind of okay Austin Powers, and the "how the hell did THIS make 200-million" Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me has just bagged a 20-million-dollar paycheck for his next film, Sprockets. It's based on that skit he used to do on SNL about the German workout dude who acted tough, and gay, at the same time. It was an okay skit, but a movie??? I'd prefer Wayne's World 3, or even Coffee Talk: The Movie.
Finally, to end on a good note, The Iron Giant, which is such a good film, I am holding back my reviews for Bowfinger and Brokedown Palace, simply because I want you all to see this classic, before it leaves the theaters, has jumped up a spot in the top ten and made it to number 8. This isn't an overwhelming accomplishment, but it's proof that nearly everyone who saw it has told everyone else that it is something they HAVE to see. I'm keeping my fingers crossed and hoping it actually IMPROVES on last weekend's gross. If not, it's dead in the water. Please, for me, go see it. Thanks.
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©1999 Alex Sandell [All Rights Reserved]. Copy this, without my permission, and I'll send a fat lady over to your house and have her pee on you!
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