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The Last Word On Film Is Juicy!
Written by: Alex Sandell, who thinks he's sooooo clever for coming up with that "more on" play on words (more on = moron, get it? "Moron Movies?!?")
Guess what the mass-media just reported? There's gonna be a new Indiana Jones in 2005! You can always count on the big newspapers, websites and magazines to get the information out about a month after I first reported it. I'm not saying I'm the only one in the world that receives movie news, and spits it out as fast as I get it, it's just that I wish some of these bigger 'zines would earn their bread and butter by having the balls to report things a little earlier. It's pretty pathetic when some dork with a Juicy Cerebellum can beat the big guys to the scoop, by over a month or two. Then again; I'm not busy sucking the cocks of the rich and famous, and have nothing to lose if they decide not to like me anymore. So, there's some news you already knew. Now, let me show you some actual fresh stuff . . .
Word around the campfire is already not so good for George Lucas and Star Wars: Episode 2. According to TWO separate sources, I've been told the script is shaping up to be nothing more than a carbon copy of Titanic. Lucas already confirmed that a huge chunk of the middle of the movie was a romance, so the kissy crap didn't shock me. It's what Lucas failed to mention that has me slightly on edge. He is, as mentioned above, apparently doing Titanic In Space, and secretly hoping for an Oscar, while he's at it. After what is said to be an "amazing" intro, Anakin and Amidala fall in love, much in the same way Leo and Kate did in the big boat movie. This all happens much to the chagrin of Obi-Wan, who also has a thing for Amidala, just like that one guy did for Kate in that movie about a bunch of water. Supposedly this "love triangle" sends Anakin into a big paranoid fit, and starts him down the path that leads to the dark side. In the meantime Jar Jar is fucking Yoda, with Mace Windu filming the whole thing. Okay, I made up that last part. The rest of it was most likely made up by somebody else. I'm sure you'll hear more about it two months from now when USA Today "breaks" this "incredible" story!
In more "incredible" sequel news, it looks like Sam Raimi has been dropping STRONG hints at an Evil Dead 4 hitting theaters sometime in the first half of the next decade. I guess the DVD special edition releases and the mini-tour Bruce Campbell is doing for the first couple of Evil films is all to test the waters and wet our appetites for another Dead flick. A friend of mine says to expect a bloody comedy-horror along the lines of Evil Dead 2, rather than the straight-forward comedy of the third flick in the series, Army of Darkness. This is EXTREMELY good news, and if it actually happens, I can guarantee you that I'll be sitting in the front row with a huge bucket of popcorn (dripping with blood red butter) and gigantic smile on my face! GROOVY!
Warner Bros. is whining about The Iron Giant's poor performance (see my article on the film, its Juicy reception, and disappointing BO by clicking here) at the box office. Lorenzo Di Bonaventura, president of production at Warner, was quoted in USA Today as saying, "People always say to me, 'Why don't you make smarter [family] movies?' ... The lesson is: Every time you do, you get slaughtered." Alex Sandell, President of production of More On Movies, was quoted in The Juicy Cerebellum as saying, "People always say to me, 'Why did a film as good as The Iron Giant bomb?' ... The lesson is: Whenever you spend 99.9% of your advertising money on an idiotic piece of shit like Wild Wild West, and spend the .01% of what's left on ads that don't reveal, in the slightest, how great your film is, you're an idiot, and your movie, which could have been the biggest animated hit of all time, is gonna friggin' bomb. Get a clue, Lorenzo, and point that finger back at yourself, for once." Alex's comment wasn't read by as many people, but was way, way cooler, anyway.
And I have nothing more to say, and no time left to say it in. See ya next time!
I didn't ever check this for typos, and I can't afford an editor, so if you notice some errors, please pretend that you didn't. Thanks.
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©1999 Alex Sandell [All Rights Reserved]. Copy this, without my permission, and I'll send a fat lady over to your house and have her pee on you!
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