After spending three of the most rotten days of my life rotating between moving into my new, overly-expensive, piece of junk apartment in 97 degree whether with 100% humidity and lying in a hospital bed where I was poked, prodded and sedated, due to the evil power of epilepsy acting up again (it always seems to do that when I'm nervous as hell, making a major life change, sweating like a maniac and working like a madman on about 17 minutes sleep . . . odd), I get back home (actually, this is the last week I'll be typing updates from this, my "old" home. How depressing.) to a wicked email, one which I don't want to believe, but one that was sent from a trustworthy source. I nearly burned my Lucasfilm membership-card, upon viewing it. Here's what it said: "The good news: The new Indiana Jones looks like a definite 'go' with Steven Spielberg, George Lucas and Harrison Ford all ready and willing to sign on. The bad news: the film isn't to go into pre [production] until 2003 with a release date that could be as late as 2006 and Ford - who's getting quite the 'I'm too old to be an action star' complex is only working on the film as a producer! It looks like Indy is going to be played by a 'fresh' face. Could it be Leo?" I stared at the wall for ten minutes after reading this. I pulled out my old 12" Indiana Jones action figure, in the "likeness" of Harrison Ford (not Leonardo DiCaprio, DAMNIT!), and nearly cried. JUST WHEN YOU THINK IT CAN'T GET ANY WORSE, the Titanic kid starts thinking he's Indiana Jones. I can easily see him being the one. Why else would Lucas be kissing his ass and showing him around Lucas Ranch? People assumed it was to court him for the Anakin Skywalker role, but now, as I reported Friday, it sounds as if DiCaprio would rather play a bodyguard on Jerry Springer over taking on the coveted Star Wars role. Were Lucas and Leo blowing a smokescreen over our eyes, to cover the fact that that famous fedora and bullwhip may be passed down from Harrison Ford to DiCaprio? Lucas and Spielberg have both flirted with other actors as Indy, before. They had River Phoenix play him as a youngster in The Last Crusade, and Lucas brought a moron or two on the set to play Indy in the ill-fated, The Young Indiana Jones Chronicles, and a bunch of other extremely boring Young Indiana Jones TV "movies." It's news like this that makes me wish I could still be sedated . . .
Speaking of people who could use a little sedation, Cuba Gooding Jr. is pulling a Spike Lee (whose Summer of Sam is sinking faster than you can say "big piece of shit" at the box office) by whining about how bad black Hollywood has it, claiming that, despite his Oscar for Jerry Maguire, he can't get good parts. He claims this is because, unless the scriptwriter describes a character as black, that character is usually cast as white. I don't know, Cuba, I'd say it was all of those annoying Pepsi One commercials you starred in scaring casting directors away. It's too bad the writer of those little shitpiles didn't specify somebody white . . . it coulda saved your damn career.
In a career that doesn't exactly need saving, but could definitely be improved upon, it looks like Julia Roberts is going to perform a little cinematic miracle by playing somebody besides herself, for once. Roberts is set to play the title character in Erin Brockovich (a film whose title could use a little improvement, of its own), about a twice-divorced poor chick with a breeding problem (three children). I guess this top breeder starts work as a secretary in a legal office which wins some big 333 (hey, at least it's a lucky number) million dollar settlement against some rich company which has 333 million to lose. She ends up getting a few million for her help and, in the end, I'm guessing, probably pumps out a few more babies, and makes them dress up as The Little Rascals.
AT THE MOVIES THIS WEEKEND: Taking in a total of 154 million this fourth of July weekend, the studios raked in more cash than they ever have during any fourth of July which came before. Still, not a single movie was a standout. Everything just did "so-so," as they would say in the places where people say things like, "so-so." Wild Wild West came in at number one with a "so-so" 36.4 million. Not nearly what good ol' Will, Barry, Salma, Kevin and Kenneth had hoped for. Actually, it's pretty damn pathetic, just like the stupid movie, and I'm guessing this rancid pile of dog-poop will ride off into the sunset with a mediocre 100-120 million total (about 100 million less than it cost to make). Sandler took second with the "not as good as his other stuff," movie, Big Daddy. Taking a huge 52% drop from its opening weekend, the mediocre movie has still managed to gross a pretty impressive 90.5 million in its first 11 days at theaters, largely in part due to the extremely hot and sweaty four day fourth of July weekend helping it along. I would have probably sat in a nice, air-conditioned theater, watching Big Daddy, too, but I was in a starch, freezing-cold hospital, watching a 13-inch TV, instead, which was just as fun, of course. In third place, we have the super sucky Tarzan, which was, unfortunately, the only movie in the top 5 that did a wee bit better than "so-so" by grossing a fairly impressive 19.3 million during the weekend. Number four went to South Park, which proved that lots of bad words make for about a 14.8 million opening weekend. This may seem "so-so," but if you remember that it made that much in "the wake of the Columbine tragedy," when a large segment of its core audience wasn't allowed in, due to the tougher restrictions which were imposed on R rated movies due to two crazy people in Colorado, you may think to yourself, "'14.8' isn't so bad, after-all. I mean, jeez, if all those people under 17 could've went to it, it probably would've doubled its take!" Actually, you may not think that, but then again, have you ever had a doctor's finger wiggling around inside of your asshole? I didn't think so. I'm guessing South Park will end up with a semi-decent 30-40 million gross, at the theater, and then make a fucking killing on video, where it will be made more readily available to the "corruptible" teenage crowd. Finally, landing in the number five spot, is that John Travolta thriller that almost all of the critics hated. It made some money. Big deal.
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