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More On Movies:
The Last Word On Film Is Juicy!
Written by: Alex Sandell, who thinks he's sooooo clever for coming up with that "more on" play on words (more on = moron, get it? "Moron Movies?!?")
Jim Carrey looks as though he'll be starring in a theatrical remake of the television series Get Smart. This will come after his big-budget, Ron Howard directed remake of The Grinch Who Stole Christmas which is following the boring, arthouse, Courtney Love-as-romantic-lead remake of Andy Kaufman's life called something like, Andy Kaufman's Life: A Boring, Arthouse, Courtney Love-As-Romantic-Lead Remake. In better Carrey news, it looks as though, due to a rewrite (translated from Hollywood-ese: "due to coming to the realization that it totally sucks, even if they do rewrite the damn thing"), he may be passing on The Incredible Mr. Limpet, which, if I remember correctly, is a remake of a Don Knotts' comedy about a talking fish (that'll bring in the Oscars). It seems as though Carrey's really abandoned the crowd that made him famous. I guess we just have to look toward more daring, less "artsy" comics such as Mike Myers and Adam Sandler to give us our fart jokes - at least until Carrey becomes a total has-been and decides to "explore" his roots by doing a third Ace Ventura film. It'll probably be a remake.
Speaking of Myers, it looks like his Scooby-Doo dream project has become one step closer to a reality. Ted Turner, who has a huge stake in all of this, has given the estimated 50-million budgeted film an enthusiastic "go" after seeing the huge returns on The Spy Who Shagged Me. Sticking with what's familiar, Myers plans to cast himself as Shaggy, Elizabeth Hurly (seen with Myers in both Austin Powers' films) as the voluptuous Daphne, Seth Green (Dr. Evil's son in the Austin Powers' movies) as the voice of Scooby-Doo, and, Myers himself, once again playing multiple roles, is filling the shoes of stud-muffin Fred. No further casting announcements have been made, and the ones listed are only tentative, at best. Austin Powers' director, M. Jay Roach is set to helm the film. Should be interesting . . .
As interesting goes, it doesn't get much better than this! Good ol' Dreamworks SKG, the movie company which is owned by Steven Spielberg, Jeffrey Katzenberg and some gay guy who used to own a record company, says the new studio lot it wanted to build in Playa Vista, California is not likely to become a reality. Problem Number One: environmentalists had a fit over the destruction of, well, the environment, that the new studio lot would inevitably cause. Problem Number Two: they claim they can't find the "appropriate" funding. Let's see here, what part of number two makes absolutely no fucking sense? Why would three of the richest men in entertainment need funding, "appropriate," or not? This goes back to one of my biggest pet-peeves. Rich assholes trying to spend anyone's money but their own. It's like when superstore Target decided it would be nice to slap down one of their ugly red buildings in the heart of Minneapolis. BUT . . . if the city of Minneapolis wasn't willing to pay something like 80% of the building cost with taxpayer money (translated from corporate-America-ese: steal from the poor and give to the super-rich), they would just up and move the new Target to a city that wanted it more. Of course, after *ahem* lots of debate, Minneapolis agreed to pay Target for the privilege of having them build an ugly looking place that will make them (Target) billions of dollars, and give Minneapolis those treasured sales-tax dollars (see: "table-scraps") they are always clamoring over. No, Target never does have to pay back the Minnesota taxpayers who saw their treasured tax money being involuntarily given away to a corporation (Dayton-Hudson) so rich, it would never, ever need it. But, hey - at least every time we buy something there, they give 10% back to local "communities!" Swinging this story back to its point; I'm guessing this is what Spielberg and crew mean by "lack of funding." The local poor and middle-class people wouldn't pay enough for their wealthy rich asses to open a fucking studio playground which would create product for the poor and middle-class people to buy.
While we're on the subject of "asses," some freak from London (I'm not going to dignify him with a name) had a premature ejaculation and put a review of Stanley Kubrick's Eyes Wide Shut in a newspaper he works for, which I'm also going to leave nameless. This freak had been friends with Kubrick for 40 years, and, only now, with Kubrick hanging out in the great beyond (I.E.: dead), and unable to defend himself against unsubstantiated "facts," has freak-boy been dropping hints that the director was an anti-Semitic Jew and control freak. Then he drives the last nail in the coffin when he puts up this review, full of spoilers, before the critics themselves have even been allowed to screen the film. Before you could say, "backstabber," the paper, which I'm leaving nameless, had the review online, and half the cyber-world (the other half of us could resist) went and read it and are now pissed off they know pretty much everything about the movie that was intended to be a nicely wrapped secret until its debut. I just wonder how a perfectionist like Kubrick did so poorly picking freaks . . . er . . . "friends." Yikes!
What could be freakier than a "friend" out to make a profit off of his deceased pal? How about a Godfather IV? What a relief it was to find out that, according to some people that are considered important, the Godfather IV rumor was only a rumor. What a horrible idea that jumbled prequel/sequel was. Instead, good ol' Leo DiCaprio is scheduled to play Howard Hughes in some movie about Howard Hughes. That Howard Hughes was a weird sonuvabitch, and playing him would be tough, I wonder if Leo can pull it off? It would probably be a lot more difficult than taking up the role of Anakin Skywalker in the next Star Wars movie, which Leonardo has a definite shot at. Lots of people keep catching glimpses of Leo hanging out at George Lucas's Skywalker Ranch (sort of the "Playboy Mansion" for nerds) which is leading them to believe he'll be the Anakin "bridge" between the 10-year-old version and the evil Darth Vader, who, as you know, is the "after" picture of what happens to a young Anakin when he is seduced to the Dark Side of the Force. I think Leo would be a great choice for the part, being that he's played the romantic lead, and this is what Lucas claims he needs for the film. According to George, although their are "some" action elements, the movie will primarily be a romance between Queen Amidala and Anakin. The online Star Wars community is going nuts over this Leonardo rumor, mostly because he's been laid, and they haven't, and his last film, Titanic jumped over Star Wars to become the number one biggest grossing movie of all time. This was sort of like pissing on their grandfather's grave, or something. Lots of funny behavior emanating from the pimply faces of those die-hard Star Wars' fans.
Even more "funny," we have the most laughable event of the week section on this page, it looks as though teen-heartthrob, and Miracle-Gro boob girl, Britney Spears, has landed the part in MTV's newest feature film, a musical version of, Alice In Wonderland. I wonder if there's going to be a hallucinogenic mushroom strong enough to explain those big ass tits of hers?
You'd think you were hallucinating looking at the numbers the new Adam Sandler film, Big Daddy, brought in during its opening weekend. The movie took the number one spot with an amazing 41.2 million dollars, according to studio estimates. This is Sandler's biggest opening yet, beating out last year's The Waterboy, which took in a shocking 39.4 million in its first three days. I'd like to think Daddy will drop fast, being that it's nothing more than a gigantic ad for corporations such as McDonald's, and it isn't really that good, but with 4th of July weekend coming up, it's likely to hold on, at least for one more week. I'm guessing it'll drop like a miscarriage, after the fourth, and wind up with a total of around 110-130 million, about 30 million less than The Waterboy ended up with. Tarzan did decent in the number 2 spot. Of course the studio is cheering its second week gross of 23.5 million, but, let me tell you, it's no fucking Lion King. Tarzan has made Disney a total of 77 million, so far at the box office. It'll probably make about 65 more. That should leave it with around 142 million, before it bombards your local video store. As I said, no fucking Lion King, no matter how much the critics pretend that they like it. Austin Powers took a big, snotty 41% nosedive and landed in third place, adding another 18.5 million to its total, which now stands at 150.8. Part of the reason for its large drop was due to the fact a lot of the "fart-joke" fans were at the new Sandler pic, and the other part is most likely because the movie totally blows. The only adult oriented pic in the top 5, The General's Daughter came in fourth with an estimated 15.6 million, bringing its tally to 47.2. Expect this critically panned film to fade fast, and leave the theaters with around 73-75 million. Following close, in fifth place, we have The Phantom Menace, which added another 14.6 million to its ready-to-burst purse. The Phantom Menace has consistently surprised analysts with its staying power (it dropped only 22.6%, which was the lowest in the top 5), and I expect it will keep doing the same, probably leaving the theaters with a very respectable 410-420 million dollars, which is better than any Star Wars film has done, since the original. Long live the Force!!! Check back next week, same time, same place, to see how Summer of Sam, South Park and Wild Wild West went over!
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©1999 Alex Sandell [All Rights Reserved]. Copy this, without my permission, and I'll puke in your popcorn bucket and make you wear it as a hat!
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