Since Buffy's surprising death at the end of season five, Slayer fans everywhere have been wondering how the Buffy team will ever revive her for season six.  I'm not so sure they have to.  Welcome to

Weekend at Buffy's
Written by:  Alex Sandell

INT. DARK MAUSOLEUM - NIGHT

We see two midget vampires standing over a boiling cauldron, stirring its contents while chanting indecipherable words.  We close in on the pair and begin to make out what they're saying.

MIDGET VAMP # 1
Bubble, bubble . . . 

MIDGET VAMP # 2
Toil and trouble . . .

Midget Vamp # 2 is interrupted by a LEATHER-CLAD DEMON with a huge set of knockers and gigantic whip.

LEATHER-CLAD DEMON
Hellooo?  It's been done. Enough 
with the Shakespeare, tiny-goons!

Leather-Clad Demon pushes the two aside, looks into the boiling cauldron, and smiles.

LEATHER-CLAD DEMON
"Toil and trouble?" Ha! With Buffy gone,
we can take over the world in ten
easy steps!

MIDGET VAMP # 1
(holding a copy of "How to Take Over the World in Ten Easy Steps")
You requested this?

LEATHER-CLAD DEMON
(looking sharply at Midget Vamp # 1)
Did you hear me?  Buffy is dead!  I can do this
without any book!

Midget Vamp # 2 nonchalantly slips the copy of "Big Bad for Dummies" that he was holding into a coffin behind him, while whistling a tune by the Seven Dwarves.

LEATHER-CLAD DEMON
(tasting boiling stuff in the cauldron)
Who forgot to add the red peppers?

Each midget vamp quickly points at the other.

MIDGET VAMP # 1 and 2
(together)
He did!

A semi-familiar voice echoes off of the crumbling stone walls.  Camera turns to see BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER standing at the entrance to the mausoleum.

BUFFY
(with a high-pitched man-trying-to-sound-like-a-woman voice)
Maybe I already ate them!

LEATHER-CLAD DEMON
The slayer!  She's alive!

Camera shows Buffy's ass, a pair of hands are on it.  They belong to XANDER.  He's holding Buffy up by the buttocks.  Buffy is merely a corpse!  We see WILLOW is also crouching behind corpse Buffy.

WILLOW
(mocking Xander)
"Maybe I already ate them?!?"

XANDER
Hey, I'm not good at these things.
Buffy was the one with all the one-liners.
Like you could do any better.

WILLOW
(trying to sound like Buffy)
She-Bitch!

XANDER
(rolling eyes)
Oh yeah, "She-Bitch," that was profound.
That's gonna get the Xena-Demon over here
all pissed off!  I'm sure she's gonna go all
Sean Puffy Combs on our ass, now!

The Leather-Clad demon, filled with rage over the "she-bitch" remark, flies at the Buffy corpse.  The vampire midgets are no where to be found.

We notice SPIKE cowering behind the Buffy corpse, along with Willow and Xander.

XANDER
Okay, so I was wrong.
You're up to bat, Spike!

SPIKE
Bloody hell!

Spike takes the Buffy corpse, stiff from rigor-mortis, picks it up by the ankles, swings it like a baseball bat, and knocks over the Leather-Clad Demon.  The demon lands on the floor, dead.

SPIKE
(staring at Leather-Clad Demon body on floor)
Old girl went out faster than Tommy
Hilfiger Jeans!

XANDER
Would you get a look at the size of
the melons on her?!?

WILLOW
They're kind of turning me on, I mean,
in a non-cheating on Tara sort of way!

SPIKE
It must be the Xena: Warrior Princess 
bra-shield she has over her fun bags!
Bloody things would get my blood boiling,
if I had any blood left.

BUFFY
(lays flat on her face, still dead)

XANDER
I wonder where those carnival vamps went?

WILLOW
You mean the midgets with the fangs?

SPIKE
Turning a bit "Basil Exposition" on us, here, Willow?

Suddenly the right breast-shield cup on the Leather-Clad Demon opens, revealing, instead of a breast, Midget Vamp # 1!

MIDGET VAMP # 1
We represent the Lollipop Guild!

The left breast-shield cup on the Leather-Clad Demon also opens, revealing, Midget Vamp # 2!

MIDGET VAMP # 2
(running toward Buffy)
One thing you forgot, these freaks always get 
the girl!

SPIKE
I can't believe a vamp with a 
midget fetish went and turned
tweedle-dee and tweedle-dum,
here, leaving us with the mess!

XANDER
Don't forget Buffy!

SPIKE
Buffy's dead!

XANDER
Oh, right, keep forgetting!

WILLOW
(chasing after the midgets)
This shouldn't be too hard.

Willow tries to do a Buffy kick, but falls flat on her ass.  

XANDER
Save the martial arts for dead Buffy, 
Will! We'll use our brains!

SPIKE
(sarcastically)
Real encouraging that is!

Xander runs directly behind the two midget vamps.

XANDER
Hey, boys! Before you lay your claim to Buffy,
over there, can I get a picture?

The midgets, accustomed to freak show patrons asking for photos, instinctually turn and pose.  Heads close together.

Spike smacks their two noggin's into one.

Xander snaps a picture of the confetti brains mixing.

XANDER
Kodak moment!

SPIKE
(rolling eyes)
Midgets . . .

BLACK OUT

END OF TEASER

GO TO PART TWO (ACT 1)!

2001 Alex Sandell [All Rights Reserved].  This parody is based on characters created by Joss Whedon for Buffy the Vampire Slayer.  The show is on UPN next year, and I suggest you watch it, because it rules!

So, did I do good?  Did I make up for the HORRIBLE "Muffy the Vampire Layer" script I wrote and temporarily posted?  Send me your feedback and let me know!

The Juicy Cerebellum is a nonprofit website (at least we haven't made a damn penny, yet) full of a bunch of brutal, yet honest, crap you can't read anywhere else. We rely on reader support to keep the site REAL. If you enjoyed this update, or the update before it, or the update before that, and want to see more like them, please send a dollar or three (or whatever you can spare) to:

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