After Xander, Willow, Spike and corpse Buffy's victorious battle with Midget Vamp # 1 and # 2 and the Leather-Clad Demon with big knockers, in Weekend at Buffy's PART 1, the three exit the mausoleum and head back to Buffy's home, leaving something behind . . .
Weekend at Buffy's
Written by: Alex Sandell
EXT. BUFFY'S HOUSE - DAWN
Xander, Willow and Spike head up the sidewalk to Buffy's home. Xander is dragging corpse Buffy behind them on a leash.
She's dead, Xander.
Oh, right, keep forgetting!
Could you drag her the rest of the way up?
I must be getting old, or she's getting
Willow gives a friendly punch to Xander's arm.
She does feel heavy!
Spike, could you help us with
dead Buffy, here?
Spike gives no answer.
Both Xander and Willow turn around to see a half naked Spike "riding" on top of Buffy, scoring a few points with our dead hero.
Spike looks up, startled, and rolls off of corpse Buffy.
Hey, I can't help it if I love the girl!
Little shaggin' after the fact couldnt'
Spike stands up and buttons his pants. Willow gives him a punch in the arm. It isn't friendly.
The three walk up the steps to Buffy's house. Buffy, stiff as a board, drags behind them, her head banging on every step.
Xander opens the door and they enter
INT. BUFFY'S HOUSE - DAWN
As the four enter, the rest of the Scooby gang, GILES, ANYA, TARA, and DAWN all seem slightly nervous, but happy over the homecoming. Anya hugs Xander, Tara hugs Willow, Dawn hugs corpse Buffy, Giles makes a few "err, ooh" sounds, and nobody hugs Spike.
Dawn dances around with Buffy, huge smile on her face and tears in her eyes.
I didn't think you'd make it home
Dawn ignores Spike and keeps dancing with corpse Buffy.
Giles suddenly stops "erring" and "oohing" and furrows his brow, meaning business.
Did you do it?
(still giving love pecks to Tara)
Get the Vitiate Whip from the Leather-Clad
Demon with big knockers?!?
The happy home comers stop being happy, outside of Dawn, who continues to dance with happy corpse Buffy.
Dawn, put your sister down
and be serious for a moment!
Dawn tries to sit Buffy in a chair, but to no avail, being that Buffy has lost all flexibility. Finally, she leans Buffy against the wall, and sniffs her hands. They smell like armpits.
Ah, that whip! The one we
were supposed to retrieve
after fighting the demon and her
two vampire midgets!
Yes! Yes! Did you get it?
Giles looks to Willow.
Giles looks to Spike, losing all hope.
Giles, grabbing an oversized book, filled with spells, addresses the trio, showing them a picture of the Vitiate Whip.
Would you people grow up?!?
How could you forget the whip?
That was what you were there for!
And stop saying, "my bad!" You're
in your bloody twenties! One of
you is in his hundreds!
Oh yeah, pick on the vampire, you
Giles sits down, rubbing his forehead.
(under his breath)
I can't believe you forgot the whip.
(to Giles, pointing at Xander and Willow)
Don't look at me, you can blame
these two wankers! They're the
ones that got all hot and bothered
over the Demon's bleeding
bust size! I was the one doing all the
work, what with swinging Buffy around
like I was in the bloody world series!
And he hit a home run!
Well, this is getting us no where!
We need to retrieve that whip! Only the Vitiate
Whip can crack back open the portal to the
dimensions that Buffy gave her life to
close! If it gets in the wrong hands, well, there's no
telling what it could do!
Didn't you just say it could open up the portal
to other dimensions?
The entire gang nearly melt Tara with their stare. She goes to sit down.
Okay, I'll just be sitting back here
in the corner, all inconsequential like,
waiting for my next sugar-coated, lesbian
I thought we settled this! We get the whip,
crack open a small portal, send Dawn in
to find Buffy, bring Buffy's soul back, let
Willow's magic reunite soul with body,
use the Testicular Stick we found in the gut of that
Elephantitis Demon to close the portals,
bring the Vitiate Whip and Testicular Stick
to the monks, have them hide them in the shape
of Joyce, reunite Buffy and Dawn with their
mother, and end the season on a happy note.
Giles looks angrily at Xander, Willow and Spike.
But you get too caught up in looking at
some demon's gargantuan boobs, and
screw up the whole bloody thing!
Willow raises her hand.
They turned out to be midget vampires.
So, they weren't really boobs. I mean,
we weren't being unfaithful.
Yeah! They were just midgets!
Anya throws the engagement ring Xander gave her across the floor.
Maybe you can just marry her grody
demon boobs! I thought I was special.
You are special, baby, they weren't
grody demon boobs, they were
They prefer to be called "little
And I prefer to be called "Long Dong Silver";
lot of good it does me.
Anya stomps out of the house. Xander gestures after her, but fails to follow.
Well, as interesting as Spike's porno star
aspirations, and Anya's melodrama are,
I think we need to focus on our goals.
First thing we need to do is get back to that
mausoleum and retrieve the Vitiate Whip!
Giles walks to the door, hand placed on knob, ready to open it.
(pointing at Spike)
Spike, you're on Buffy dragging duty!
Spike reluctantly grabs Buffy's leash and drags her across the living room floor, and up to the door, where Giles is standing.
Giles begins turning the knob, when the door flies off its hinges, and both Giles, Spike and corpse Buffy are thrown across the room. A whip cracks. It's the Vitiate Whip!
The entire Scooby gang, minus Anya, surround Giles, asking if he's okay. Spike, on the other side of the room, is ignored.
Nobody get up, I'm alright.
The Vitiate Whip cracks again. A familiar voice enters the room.
Ooh ... I don't like this!
The gang look up to see Anya is held captive, the whip wrapped tightly around her neck. Her hands claw at it.
Their eyes follow the whip to the hand that holds it, up the arm, and to its owner, the new Big Bad!
(in a subdued panic)
Anybody but you.
This makes me sooooo mad!
Should I say something
(eyes turning black)
I . . . THOUGHT . . . YOU . . . WERE . . .
WRITTEN . . . OUT!
Bloody hell . . .
END OF ACT ONE
To be continued! The best is yet to come!
©2001 Alex Sandell [All Rights Reserved]. This parody is based on characters created by Joss Whedon for Buffy the Vampire Slayer. The show is on UPN next year, and I suggest you watch it, because it rules!
So, did I do good? Did I make up for the HORRIBLE "Muffy the Vampire Layer" script I wrote and temporarily posted? Send me your feedback and let me know!
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