After Xander, Willow, Spike and corpse Buffy's victorious battle with Midget Vamp # 1 and # 2 and the Leather-Clad Demon with big knockers, in Weekend at Buffy's PART 1, the three exit the mausoleum and head back to Buffy's home, leaving something behind . . .

Weekend at Buffy's
PART 2
Written by:  Alex Sandell

EXT. BUFFY'S HOUSE - DAWN

Xander, Willow and Spike head up the sidewalk to Buffy's home.  Xander is dragging corpse Buffy behind them on a leash.

XANDER
Putting on a little weight there, Buff? 

WILLOW
She's dead, Xander.

XANDER
Oh, right, keep forgetting!
Could you drag her the rest of the way up?
I must be getting old, or she's getting 
bloated!

WILLOW
Alrighty!  Wimp.

Willow gives a friendly punch to Xander's arm.  

WILLOW
She does feel heavy!

XANDER
Spike, could you help us with
dead Buffy, here?

Spike gives no answer.  

XANDER
Spike?

Both Xander and Willow turn around to see a half naked Spike "riding" on top of Buffy, scoring a few points with our dead hero.

XANDER/WILLOW
(together)
Spike!

Spike looks up, startled, and rolls off of corpse Buffy.  

SPIKE
Hey, I can't help it if I love the girl!
Little shaggin' after the fact couldnt'
hurt.

Spike stands up and buttons his pants.  Willow gives him a punch in the arm.  It isn't friendly.

WILLOW
You meany!

XANDER
(to Spike)
Perv!

The three walk up the steps to Buffy's house.  Buffy, stiff as a board, drags behind them, her head banging on every step.

Xander opens the door and they enter

INT. BUFFY'S HOUSE - DAWN

As the four enter, the rest of the Scooby gang, GILES, ANYA, TARA, and DAWN all seem slightly nervous, but happy over the homecoming.  Anya hugs Xander, Tara hugs Willow, Dawn hugs corpse Buffy, Giles makes a few "err, ooh" sounds, and nobody hugs Spike.  

SPIKE
Typical.

Dawn dances around with Buffy, huge smile on her face and tears in her eyes.

DAWN
I didn't think you'd make it home
alive!

SPIKE (OS)
She didn't.

Dawn ignores Spike and keeps dancing with corpse Buffy.  

Giles suddenly stops "erring" and "oohing" and furrows his brow, meaning business.

GILES
Did you do it?

WILLOW
(still giving love pecks to Tara)
Do what?

GILES
(demanding)
Get the Vitiate Whip from the Leather-Clad 
Demon with big knockers?!?

The happy home comers stop being happy, outside of Dawn, who continues to dance with happy corpse Buffy.

GILES
Dawn, put your sister down
and be serious for a moment!

Dawn tries to sit Buffy in a chair, but to no avail, being that Buffy has lost all flexibility.  Finally, she leans Buffy against the wall, and sniffs her hands.  They smell like armpits. 

XANDER
Ah, that whip!  The one we
were supposed to retrieve
after fighting the demon and her
two vampire midgets!

GILES
Yes! Yes!  Did you get it?

XANDER
My bad!

Giles looks to Willow.

WILLOW
My bad!

Giles looks to Spike, losing all hope.

SPIKE
My bad!

Giles, grabbing an oversized book, filled with spells, addresses the trio, showing them a picture of the Vitiate Whip.

GILES
Would you people grow up?!?
How could you forget the whip?
That was what you were there for!
And stop saying, "my bad!"  You're
in your bloody twenties!  One of
you is in his hundreds!

SPIKE
Oh yeah, pick on the vampire, you 
ageist prick!

Giles sits down, rubbing his forehead.

GILES
(under his breath)
I can't believe you forgot the whip.

SPIKE
(to Giles, pointing at Xander and Willow)
Don't look at me, you can blame
these two wankers!  They're the
ones that got all hot and bothered
over the Demon's bleeding
bust size!  I was the one doing all the
work, what with swinging Buffy around
like I was in the bloody world series!

WILLOW
(enthusiastically)
And he hit a home run!

GILES
Well, this is getting us no where!
We need to retrieve that whip!  Only the Vitiate
Whip can crack back open the portal to the 
 dimensions that Buffy gave her life to 
close!  If it gets in the wrong hands, well, there's no 
telling what it  could do!

TARA
Didn't you just say it could open up the portal
to other dimensions?

The entire gang nearly melt Tara with their stare.  She goes to sit down.

TARA
Okay, I'll just be sitting back here
in the corner, all inconsequential like, 
waiting for my next sugar-coated, lesbian
scene.

GILES
I thought we settled this!  We get the whip,
crack open a small portal, send Dawn in
to find Buffy, bring Buffy's soul back, let
Willow's magic reunite soul with body, 
use the Testicular Stick we found in the gut of that 
Elephantitis Demon to close the portals, 
bring the Vitiate Whip and Testicular Stick
to the monks, have them hide them in the shape
of Joyce, reunite Buffy and Dawn with their
mother, and end the season on a happy note.

Giles looks angrily at Xander, Willow and Spike.

GILES
But you get too caught up in looking at
some demon's gargantuan boobs, and
screw up the whole bloody thing!

Willow raises her hand.

WILLOW
(sounding timid)
They turned out to be midget vampires.
So, they weren't really boobs.  I mean,
we weren't being unfaithful.

XANDER
(defensively)
Yeah!  They were just midgets!

Anya throws the engagement ring Xander gave her across the floor.

ANYA
Maybe you can just marry her grody 
demon boobs!  I thought I was special.

XANDER
(baby talk)
You are special, baby, they weren't
grody demon boobs, they were 
just midgets.

DAWN
(defiantly)
Little people!

XANDER
What?

DAWN
They prefer to be called "little
people."

SPIKE
And I prefer to be called "Long Dong Silver";
lot of good it does me.

Anya stomps out of the house.  Xander gestures after her, but fails to follow.

GILES
Well, as interesting as Spike's porno star
aspirations, and Anya's melodrama are, 
I think we need to focus on our goals.  
First thing we need to do is get back to that 
mausoleum and retrieve the Vitiate Whip!

Giles walks to the door, hand placed on knob, ready to open it.

GILES
(pointing at Spike)
Spike, you're on Buffy dragging duty!

Spike reluctantly grabs Buffy's leash and drags her across the living room floor, and up to the door, where Giles is standing.

Giles begins turning the knob, when the door flies off its hinges, and both Giles, Spike and corpse Buffy are thrown across the room.  A whip cracks.  It's the Vitiate Whip!

The entire Scooby gang, minus Anya, surround Giles, asking if he's okay.  Spike, on the other side of the room, is ignored.

SPIKE
Nobody get up, I'm alright.

The Vitiate Whip cracks again.  A familiar voice enters the room.

ANYA (OS)
Ooh ... I don't like this!

The gang look up to see Anya is held captive, the whip wrapped tightly around her neck.  Her hands claw at it.

Their eyes follow the whip to the hand that holds it, up the arm, and to its owner, the new Big Bad!

GILES
(in a subdued panic)
Anybody but you.

XANDER
Oh no!

DAWN
This makes me sooooo mad!

TARA
Should I say something
lesbian-ish, yet?

BUFFY
...

WILLOW
(eyes turning black)
I . . . THOUGHT . . . YOU . . . WERE . . . 

WRITTEN . . . OUT!

SPIKE
Bloody hell . . .
it's Riley!

 

BLACK OUT

END OF ACT ONE

To be continued!  The best is yet to come!

2001 Alex Sandell [All Rights Reserved].  This parody is based on characters created by Joss Whedon for Buffy the Vampire Slayer.  The show is on UPN next year, and I suggest you watch it, because it rules!

So, did I do good?  Did I make up for the HORRIBLE "Muffy the Vampire Layer" script I wrote and temporarily posted?  Send me your feedback and let me know!

The Juicy Cerebellum is a nonprofit website (at least we haven't made a damn penny, yet) full of a bunch of brutal, yet honest, crap you can't read anywhere else. We rely on reader support to keep the site REAL. If you enjoyed this update, or the update before it, or the update before that, and want to see more like them, please send a dollar or three (or whatever you can spare) to:

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