When
the News Turns
Juicy
2/17/99
Written
by: Alex Sandell
Tripp reconsidering book idea
WASHINGTON (JC) - Linda Tripp is reviving her idea of writing a
book about her White House ordeal. Saying that President Clinton
"will think twice" before engaging in inappropriate
sexual behavior after seeing it. Initially the idea of a book
written by Tripp scaring the President away from sex had
reporters, politicians and the general public skeptically
laughing their collective asses off. It was only after revealing
that the book features numerous photos of Tripp posing in
bikinis, topless and fully nude that politicians took heed of her
threat. "After seeing that pussy," Senator
Orin Hatch was heard commenting, "I don't think even I could
get it up again, much less the President."
Clinton's "new season"
WASHINGTON (JC) - Swearing he'll keep "pecker in pants"
until "at least Spring, or so", President Clinton has
began a rebirth. "I will be faithful to my wife and
country," the President said in a speech early Tuesday
morning, "and if I'm not, I'll make sure I don't lie about
it under oath." Immediately after the speech, approval
ratings jumped another 10 points for the President, which now
makes him the most well-liked human ever, beating out Jesus
Christ, The Pope and Marilyn Manson.
Riley says it's time for teachers to
"get smart"
WASHINGTON (JC) - During his annual speech on the state of
American schools, Education Secretary Richard Riley proposed that
future teachers be better trained to actually teach, before
getting teaching jobs at public schools. "It's time we ask
more from our teachers. It's time America's teachers learn how to
read, write and/or find the building they teach in. It's time
teachers learn a few facts about the country they live in, before
spouting out half-truths and blatant lies. No more should America
settle for teachers not knowing what the Vietnam War was, who our
first President happened to be, or what country they live
in." Public school teachers are up in arms over Riley's
"stringent" proposal, sending a letter to Riley which
reads: "Wee our gratelee ofendded bye yoor atitude to
teachers and stuf. Wee aint dum!"
New use for Mardi Gras
New Orleans (JC) - Top Government Scientists were the
first off the plane for this year's Mardi Gras kickoff.
"With all of this drinking and partying", said Jonathon
Fooreyes, "we figured we could find plenty of volunteers
willing to stay up night after night drinking themselves
blind." "We're curious," Dr. Fooreyes went on to
say, "to see how mass-quantities of alcohol affects a human,
primarily females." So far all the Scientists have been able
to come up with is this:
1998 seat-belt law causes large jump in
seat-belt users
WASHINGTON (JC) - The percentage of Americans wearing seat belts
increased in 1998 after police were allowed to shoot any non seat-belt
wearing citizen on sight. Still, Republicans are saying that
giving the police the right to shoot anyone without a seat-belt
isn't enough. "The majority of House Republicans feel that a
policeman should be allowed to shoot anyone on sight,
not just those without belts," said Senate Majority Leader,
Trent Lott. Democrats are in strong opposition to the proposed
Republican "shoot first, explain later" bill, stating
that a cop shooting a regular guy who's wearing a seat-belt would
be "nearly criminal."
Toughest U.S.
sheriff under fire
PHOENIX (JC) - 1. He houses prisoners in sweltering tents. 2. He
feeds them green bologna sandwiches and dresses them in pink
underwear 3. He bans coffee, porn magazines and R-rated movies.
4. He sends out chain gangs in old-fashion striped uniforms to
cut weeds. 5. In Maricopa County he's extremely popular. Sheriff
Joe Arpaio is a celebrity. Polls rate him as Arizona's most
popular lawman. Unfortunately, for Arpaio, other parts of the
world actually think with more than just their fists and
concealed handguns. It is the more sensible segments of society
that are accusing Arpaio of running a jail that's too tough. The
FBI is investigating whether detention officers crossed the line
when they subdued an inmate, killed him and then allegedly tried
to cover it up. "I think he may have crossed the line by
killing an inmate," an anonymous FBI source tells The
Juicy Cerebellum, "from what I hear, the guy even wore
his seat-belt, on the outside. Killing him is just a bit
much."
Wal-Mart forced to award $3.2 million to
woman
TUSKEGEE, Ala. (JC) - On Christmas Eve, 1995 LaShawna Goodman of
Opelika was wrongfully accused of stealing a telephone by the
ultra-paranoid, Wal-Mart chain. She was handcuffed in front of
her children and made a fool in front of her town. Now, in 1999,
a jury ordered Wal-Mart to pay $3.2 million to the woman. The
jury in rural Macon County returned the verdict Friday in favor
of LaShawna Goodman. She was awarded $3 million in punitive
damages and $200,000 in compensatory damages. A spokesman for
Wal-Mart said Tuesday, "The facts of the case and the amount
the jury awarded are on two separate planets. We will exhaust
every legal remedy to right something which we believe is totally
wrong." The Juicy Cerebellum wants to congratulate
LaShawna over her victory and remind the Wal-Mart spokesman that
it is not the jury and the facts which are on two separate
planets, but Wal-Mart and civilized society. How many of us are
going to be stalked by your cameras and minimum-wage henchmen
before you assholes stop playing "Big Brother"?
Ventura declares President's Day
"Rolling Stones" Day in Minnesota
ST. PAUL, Minn. (JC) - Governor Ventura, once again proving he's
in this for the "common" man, declared Monday
"Rolling Stones" day in Minnesota. This tops all of
Jesse's previous work as Governor, which has included important
things such as being a guest-star on Jay Leno and attending the
dedication when a street was named after him. "This is
great," Mick Jagger apparently said, "it justifies
charging two-hundred dollars a ticket and allows wrinkly old
bastards such as myself to continue getting laid." When
asked if he felt guilty over naming President's Day after the
Rolling Stones, Ventura laughed and said President's Day was just
"some stupid thing invented for Presidents, and stuff."
Send any news, comments or pictures of boobs spraying milk to alex@juicycerebellum.com.
©1999 Alex Sandell [All Rights Reserved]. Better watch yourself, or I just may put Jesse to good use!
