the News Turns
Written by: Alex Sandell
Tripp reconsidering book idea
WASHINGTON (JC) - Linda Tripp is reviving her idea of writing a book about her White House ordeal. Saying that President Clinton "will think twice" before engaging in inappropriate sexual behavior after seeing it. Initially the idea of a book written by Tripp scaring the President away from sex had reporters, politicians and the general public skeptically laughing their collective asses off. It was only after revealing that the book features numerous photos of Tripp posing in bikinis, topless and fully nude that politicians took heed of her threat. "After seeing that pussy," Senator Orin Hatch was heard commenting, "I don't think even I could get it up again, much less the President."
Clinton's "new season"
WASHINGTON (JC) - Swearing he'll keep "pecker in pants" until "at least Spring, or so", President Clinton has began a rebirth. "I will be faithful to my wife and country," the President said in a speech early Tuesday morning, "and if I'm not, I'll make sure I don't lie about it under oath." Immediately after the speech, approval ratings jumped another 10 points for the President, which now makes him the most well-liked human ever, beating out Jesus Christ, The Pope and Marilyn Manson.
Riley says it's time for teachers to
WASHINGTON (JC) - During his annual speech on the state of American schools, Education Secretary Richard Riley proposed that future teachers be better trained to actually teach, before getting teaching jobs at public schools. "It's time we ask more from our teachers. It's time America's teachers learn how to read, write and/or find the building they teach in. It's time teachers learn a few facts about the country they live in, before spouting out half-truths and blatant lies. No more should America settle for teachers not knowing what the Vietnam War was, who our first President happened to be, or what country they live in." Public school teachers are up in arms over Riley's "stringent" proposal, sending a letter to Riley which reads: "Wee our gratelee ofendded bye yoor atitude to teachers and stuf. Wee aint dum!"
New use for Mardi Gras
New Orleans (JC) - Top Government Scientists were the first off the plane for this year's Mardi Gras kickoff. "With all of this drinking and partying", said Jonathon Fooreyes, "we figured we could find plenty of volunteers willing to stay up night after night drinking themselves blind." "We're curious," Dr. Fooreyes went on to say, "to see how mass-quantities of alcohol affects a human, primarily females." So far all the Scientists have been able to come up with is this:
1998 seat-belt law causes large jump in
WASHINGTON (JC) - The percentage of Americans wearing seat belts increased in 1998 after police were allowed to shoot any non seat-belt wearing citizen on sight. Still, Republicans are saying that giving the police the right to shoot anyone without a seat-belt isn't enough. "The majority of House Republicans feel that a policeman should be allowed to shoot anyone on sight, not just those without belts," said Senate Majority Leader, Trent Lott. Democrats are in strong opposition to the proposed Republican "shoot first, explain later" bill, stating that a cop shooting a regular guy who's wearing a seat-belt would be "nearly criminal."
sheriff under fire
PHOENIX (JC) - 1. He houses prisoners in sweltering tents. 2. He feeds them green bologna sandwiches and dresses them in pink underwear 3. He bans coffee, porn magazines and R-rated movies. 4. He sends out chain gangs in old-fashion striped uniforms to cut weeds. 5. In Maricopa County he's extremely popular. Sheriff Joe Arpaio is a celebrity. Polls rate him as Arizona's most popular lawman. Unfortunately, for Arpaio, other parts of the world actually think with more than just their fists and concealed handguns. It is the more sensible segments of society that are accusing Arpaio of running a jail that's too tough. The FBI is investigating whether detention officers crossed the line when they subdued an inmate, killed him and then allegedly tried to cover it up. "I think he may have crossed the line by killing an inmate," an anonymous FBI source tells The Juicy Cerebellum, "from what I hear, the guy even wore his seat-belt, on the outside. Killing him is just a bit much."
Wal-Mart forced to award $3.2 million to
TUSKEGEE, Ala. (JC) - On Christmas Eve, 1995 LaShawna Goodman of Opelika was wrongfully accused of stealing a telephone by the ultra-paranoid, Wal-Mart chain. She was handcuffed in front of her children and made a fool in front of her town. Now, in 1999, a jury ordered Wal-Mart to pay $3.2 million to the woman. The jury in rural Macon County returned the verdict Friday in favor of LaShawna Goodman. She was awarded $3 million in punitive damages and $200,000 in compensatory damages. A spokesman for Wal-Mart said Tuesday, "The facts of the case and the amount the jury awarded are on two separate planets. We will exhaust every legal remedy to right something which we believe is totally wrong." The Juicy Cerebellum wants to congratulate LaShawna over her victory and remind the Wal-Mart spokesman that it is not the jury and the facts which are on two separate planets, but Wal-Mart and civilized society. How many of us are going to be stalked by your cameras and minimum-wage henchmen before you assholes stop playing "Big Brother"?
Ventura declares President's Day
"Rolling Stones" Day in Minnesota
ST. PAUL, Minn. (JC) - Governor Ventura, once again proving he's in this for the "common" man, declared Monday "Rolling Stones" day in Minnesota. This tops all of Jesse's previous work as Governor, which has included important things such as being a guest-star on Jay Leno and attending the dedication when a street was named after him. "This is great," Mick Jagger apparently said, "it justifies charging two-hundred dollars a ticket and allows wrinkly old bastards such as myself to continue getting laid." When asked if he felt guilty over naming President's Day after the Rolling Stones, Ventura laughed and said President's Day was just "some stupid thing invented for Presidents, and stuff."
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©1999 Alex Sandell [All Rights Reserved]. Better watch yourself, or I just may put Jesse to good use!
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