Spray of the Day:
Totally Juicy News
1/9/01

Politics

Bush stands behind Chavez:
It sorta gave her the creeps, especially when she felt something "growing increasingly hard" against her chubby ass.  Actually, there is another big scandal involving a Guatemalan chick, and Chavez, leading one to believe that, once again, Bush picked the totally WRONG person for Labor Secretary, but I don't feel like getting into it.  Maybe some other day.  Boners are far more funny, anyway.  Mmm . . . boooooneeers.
-Alex Sandell, Editor

Clinton actually does something cool :
President Bill Clinton gave a sincere "thank you" to organized labor leaders for their quarter century of support.  Billy said that he doesn't "even have the words to say how profoundly grateful" he is for the more than quarter century of being labor's teammate.  Clinton took the opportunity, in front of the AFL-CIO to slam the Republicans (also known as: "the totally greedy fuckhead party") for rejecting a $1.00 an hour minimum wage hike.  He claimed "the totally greedy fuckhead party" rejected the bill to get George "Satan" Bush's 1.3 trillion dollar tax cut passed.  What will that tax cut mean?  Well, how about if you're uninsured and get into a car-accident and owe the hospital $200,000.00?  Who's gonna pay for that? Not George W. Bush and his rich man's tax cut.  You're going to end up being in debt for THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.  If you make under $500,000.00 a year, and think George W. MORON'S tax plan is going to work for your benefit, you're a fucking idiot, and I'd beat you to a pulp, if I happened to be a violent man.  Hell, I'll beat you to a pulp, anyway.  "Bipartisan" is a vulgarity to me.
-Alex Sandell, Editor

Corporate Watch (Business)

Who gives a fuck?:
They break the law a million times a day, and then charge us a $39.00 late fee on a $1.22 credit card bill.  Corporations are SHIT.  If you don't think so, GET THE FUCK OFF OF MY PAGE AND NEVER COME BACK.  Thanks.
-Alex Sandell, Editor

My friend's selling out:
She might be taking a $46,000 job at AT&T.  You heard me right:  AT&FUCKING-T.  MAPS supporters and corporate criminals.  I really thought she'd draw the line, somewhere (especially at MAPS).  I guess money means everything, huh, heath?  She's still a REALLY good friend of mine, and I hope I don't piss her off, but I want her to think twice about selling her soul to a corporate devil that even she has despised for as long as I have known her.  Money isn't everything.  INTEGRITY is.
-Alex Sandell, Editor

Health

Your dick is tiny:  
Seriously.  This is old news, but the average penis size of an 18-year-old Caucasian male, in the year 2000, was only 4.5 inches (African American males were like 17.4 inches, average).  The average penis size of an 18-year-old, Caucasian male in 1946 was 8.7 inches.  You're half the man your grandfather was.  Loser.  
-Alex Sandell, Editor

Entertainment

Rich people pretended that they were artists:
I have ten times their talent and I'm making $0.00 off of my "art."  Fuck this society.  It's all based on looks, or luck.  
-Alex Sandell, Editor

SCIENCE
And you wonder why teen suicide is a trend . . .
I remember tenth grade Spanish class. Jennifer in the corner, always in the corner, with head down, obviously depressed, lacking self-esteem.  Her peers notice this vulnerability. They tease her. Each day I watch the teacher look over at Jennifer, and then look away, ignoring the depression, ignoring the tormentors. I turn my head and see hyper-active Aaron forced to sit in a chair for hours, ready to jump out of his skin any second. I see other kids struggling desperately to learn the subject, then told that they aren't trying hard enough.  One out of five kids with a mental heath disorder (depression, hyper-activity, attention deficit disorder, obsessive conclusiveness, etc.) do not get proper treatment, according to a recent study. Ten percent of American children have symptoms of a mental problem. Researchers are encouraging better training methods for doctors and teachers in the recognition of these problems. The report shows that not enough is done to help prevent the causes of some mental disorders or to effectively treat them, many teachers are not noticing the signs, or are flat out ignoring them, like the bastards that they are. 
-Ben Sandell, Juicy Cerebellum Science Correspondent
(All opinions are that of Ben, and may or may not reflect the views of The Juicy Cerebellum)

You mutated bastards
Concerns of children developing computer related health problems are on the rise. Scientists say that schools use computers in the classroom more than ever, but are not teaching kids how to practice proper ergonomic techniques.  Scientists also say that they are not teaching kids how to practice proper sexual techniques so that they can get laid without injury.  After about twenty years of computer use, it has been shown that adults get a number of repetitive injuries out of bad habits, including back and neck strain, stress injuries, and carpal tunnel syndrome. Scientists now wonder what will happen with younger people who have used computers from the time they could first walk (or at least type words like "fart" and "poop" on daddy's keyboard). Researchers don't know yet what kinds of problems these kids will have once they grown up, perhaps serious disorders with wrists and spines.  The next generation of college students might be grotesquely misshapen due to years of poor posture and bad ergonomic practices, they will wobble around twisted and hunchbacked, unable to move their own fingers, moaning from constant neck pains (these new forms of humans will be called "the freaks"). Schools must start teaching proper computer use now or it will be too late. We may have already lost the graduating class of 2001.  Like it fucking matters.  The class of 2001 was lost long ago.
-Ben Sandell, Juicy Cerebellum Science Correspondent
(All opinions are that of Ben, and may or may not reflect the views of The Juicy Cerebellum)
(Alex Sandell added the "proper sexual techniques" line, the "fart and poop" line and the "class of 2001 was lost long ago" line.  Ben insists I say that, because he takes great pride in his work.)

World
Czech, Please!:
A state-run TV station in Prague has been put under the control of Jiri Hodac, an ally of Vaclac Klaus, the former communist prime minister. Journalists at the TV station have staged a sit-in at the station, providing  evidence that the '60's never really left...they just went to a different country. The journalists are frightened that Hodac's appointment will compromise the station's journalistic integrity. They may well be right and aren't going unsupported. Tens of thousands of Czechs grouped together in Wenceslas Square to yell and scream, and display big signs, creating the largest protest in Prague since the one that helped overthrow communism 11 years before.
-Sariel Lehyani, Juicy Cerebellum World Correspondent
(All opinions are that of Sariel, and so are the numerous spelling mistakes.)

Weather

Hundreds dead in places that aren't America, due to blizzards:
120 are dead so far. The numbers could reach into the thousands.  This is said to be the "worst storm in 50 years."  Good, let 'em die.  This fucking planet is overpopulated, anyway.  I hope a bunch of Americans freeze to death, too, on their way to buy a Slurpee and bag of Fritos at the local 7-11 convenience store.  Greedy obese Americans and their Slurpee obsessions.  On a more serious note, if China keeps putting out movies as good as Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon, I kinda hope they stay alive so they can entertain me.  I like being entertained; especially when I'm naked, and some oriental ninja chick is sucking my dick.
-Alex Sandell, Editor

Horoscope
This segment is coming as soon as I find a self-deprecating astrologer with a good sense of humor.  
-Alex Sandell, Editor

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