Spray of the Day:
Totally Juicy News
1/9/01
Politics
Bush stands behind Chavez:
It sorta gave her the
creeps, especially when she felt something "growing increasingly hard"
against her chubby ass. Actually, there is another big scandal involving a
Guatemalan chick, and Chavez, leading one to believe that, once again, Bush
picked the totally WRONG person for Labor Secretary, but I don't feel like
getting into it. Maybe some other day. Boners are far more funny,
anyway. Mmm . . . boooooneeers.
-Alex Sandell, Editor
Clinton actually does something cool :
President Bill Clinton gave
a sincere "thank you" to organized labor leaders for their quarter
century of support. Billy said that he doesn't "even have the words
to say how profoundly grateful" he is for the more than quarter century of
being labor's teammate. Clinton took the opportunity, in front of the
AFL-CIO to slam the Republicans (also known as: "the totally greedy
fuckhead party") for rejecting a $1.00 an hour minimum wage hike. He
claimed "the totally greedy fuckhead party" rejected the bill to get
George "Satan" Bush's 1.3 trillion dollar tax cut passed. What
will that tax cut mean? Well, how about if you're uninsured and get into a
car-accident and owe the hospital $200,000.00? Who's gonna pay for that?
Not George W. Bush and his rich man's tax cut. You're going to end up
being in debt for THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. If you make under $500,000.00 a
year, and think George W. MORON'S tax plan is going to work for your benefit,
you're a fucking idiot, and I'd beat you to a pulp, if I happened to be a
violent man. Hell, I'll beat you to a pulp, anyway.
"Bipartisan" is a vulgarity to me.
-Alex Sandell, Editor
Corporate Watch (Business)
Who gives a fuck?:
They break the law a million
times a day, and then charge us a $39.00 late fee on a $1.22 credit card
bill. Corporations are SHIT. If you don't think so, GET THE FUCK OFF
OF MY PAGE AND NEVER COME BACK. Thanks.
-Alex Sandell, Editor
My friend's selling out:
She might be taking a $46,000
job at AT&T. You heard me right: AT&FUCKING-T. MAPS
supporters and corporate criminals. I really thought she'd draw the line,
somewhere (especially at MAPS). I guess money
means everything, huh, heath? She's still a REALLY good friend of mine,
and I hope I don't piss her off, but I want her to think twice about selling her
soul to a corporate devil that even she has despised for as long as I have known
her. Money isn't everything. INTEGRITY is.
-Alex Sandell, Editor
Health
Your dick is tiny:
Seriously. This is old news, but the average penis size of an 18-year-old Caucasian
male, in the year 2000, was only 4.5 inches (African American males were like
17.4 inches, average). The average penis size of an 18-year-old, Caucasian
male in 1946 was 8.7 inches. You're half the man your grandfather
was. Loser.
-Alex Sandell, Editor
Entertainment
Rich people pretended that they were artists:
I have ten times their talent
and I'm making $0.00 off of my "art." Fuck this society.
It's all based on looks, or luck.
-Alex Sandell, Editor
SCIENCE
And you wonder why teen suicide is a trend .
. .
I remember
tenth grade Spanish class. Jennifer in the corner, always in the corner, with
head down, obviously depressed, lacking self-esteem.
Her peers notice this vulnerability. They tease her. Each day I watch the
teacher look over at Jennifer, and then look away, ignoring the depression,
ignoring the tormentors. I turn my head and see hyper-active Aaron forced to sit
in a chair for hours, ready to jump out of his skin any second. I see other kids
struggling desperately to learn the subject, then told that they aren't trying
hard enough. One out of five kids
with a mental heath disorder (depression, hyper-activity, attention deficit
disorder, obsessive conclusiveness, etc.) do not get proper treatment, according
to a recent study. Ten percent of American children have symptoms of a mental
problem. Researchers are encouraging better training methods for doctors and
teachers in the recognition of these problems. The report shows that not enough
is done to help prevent the causes of some mental disorders or to effectively
treat them, many teachers are not noticing the signs, or are flat out ignoring
them, like the bastards that they are.
-Ben Sandell, Juicy Cerebellum Science Correspondent
(All opinions are that of Ben, and may or may not reflect the views of The Juicy
Cerebellum)
You mutated bastards
Concerns
of children developing computer related health problems are on the rise.
Scientists say that schools use computers in the classroom more than ever, but
are not teaching kids how to practice proper ergonomic techniques.
Scientists also say that they are not teaching kids how to practice proper
sexual techniques so that they can get laid without injury. After
about twenty years of computer use, it has been shown that adults get a number
of repetitive injuries out of bad habits, including back and neck strain, stress
injuries, and carpal tunnel syndrome. Scientists now wonder what will happen
with younger people who have used computers from the time they could first walk
(or at least type words like "fart" and "poop" on daddy's
keyboard). Researchers don't know yet what kinds of problems these kids will
have once they grown up, perhaps serious disorders with wrists and spines.
The next generation of college students might be grotesquely misshapen
due to years of poor posture and bad ergonomic practices, they will wobble
around twisted and hunchbacked, unable to move their own fingers, moaning from
constant neck pains (these new forms of humans will be called "the
freaks"). Schools must start teaching proper computer use now or it will be
too late. We may have already lost the graduating class of 2001. Like it
fucking matters. The class of 2001 was lost long ago.
-Ben Sandell, Juicy Cerebellum Science Correspondent
(All opinions are that of Ben, and may or may not reflect the views of The Juicy
Cerebellum)
(Alex Sandell added the "proper sexual techniques" line, the
"fart and poop" line and the "class of 2001 was lost long
ago" line. Ben insists I say that, because he takes great pride in
his work.)
World
Czech, Please!:
A state-run TV station in Prague
has been put under the control of Jiri Hodac, an ally of Vaclac Klaus, the
former communist prime minister. Journalists at the TV station have staged a
sit-in at the station, providing evidence that the '60's never really
left...they just went to a different country. The journalists are frightened
that Hodac's appointment will compromise the station's journalistic integrity.
They may well be right and aren't going unsupported. Tens of thousands of Czechs
grouped together in Wenceslas Square to yell and scream, and display big signs,
creating the largest protest in Prague since the one that helped overthrow
communism 11 years before.
-Sariel Lehyani, Juicy Cerebellum World Correspondent
(All opinions are that of Sariel, and so are the numerous spelling mistakes.)
Weather
Hundreds dead in places that aren't America, due
to blizzards:
120 are dead so far. The numbers
could reach into the thousands. This is said to be the "worst storm
in 50 years." Good, let 'em die. This fucking planet is
overpopulated, anyway. I hope a bunch of Americans freeze to death, too,
on their way to buy a Slurpee and bag of Fritos at the local 7-11 convenience
store. Greedy obese Americans and their Slurpee obsessions. On a
more serious note, if China keeps putting out movies as good as Crouching
Tiger, Hidden Dragon, I kinda hope they stay alive so they can entertain
me. I like being entertained; especially when I'm naked, and some oriental
ninja chick is sucking my dick.
-Alex Sandell, Editor
Horoscope
This segment is coming as soon
as I find a self-deprecating astrologer with a good sense of humor.
-Alex Sandell, Editor
Email me about the seventh issue of "Spray of the Day: Totally Juicy Headlines"! (And this time, actually do it.) Write about the news. Write about the update. Just write! If people are interested in this, I'm going to put up a new message board to discuss the issues and I just may keep this up for a long time (like my penis during sex)! (Oh, and if anyone is interested in doing a headline type graphic for it, get in touch.)