Spray of the Day:
Totally Juicy News
1/24/01

Top Story

Could someone throw AOL-Time Warner a quarter and tell them to shut up?:
Warner Brothers is, once again, threatening legal action against a Harry Potter fan for having the nerve to create a Harry Potter fan site.  This time they're going after 15-year-old Christie Chan, a Singaporean "webmistress" who registered the domain name www.harrypotternetwork.net.  They told Chan that use of the Potter domain name was likely to "cause consumer confusion or dilution of intellectual property rights."   Warner Brothers isn't upset that Chan, or any other Potter fan/webmaster they've strong-armed into surrendering their domain name, are making money off of their sites, or selling illegal Potter merchandise (none of them are), they're worried that, if Warner Brothers, and their official licensees, aren't the only ones with Potter sites, they (Warner Brothers) may suffer a small loss.  The legal letters the WB are sending out are written on behalf of Warner Brothers and Potter author (and queen of ripping off various material from a ton of other books and calling it her own) J.K. Rowling.  Certain sites such as www.potterwar.org.uk are asking Potter fans to write to Rowling's agent, and make them aware of all that's going on.  I sensed that the webmaster behind the page, Alastair Alexander, who emailed me personally, asking me to put up a link to his page, believed this was all the WB's fault, and poor J.K. Rowling's name was merely being tossed around by lawyers to intimidate the fans even more.  According to Alexander, Rowling  has not made a statement regarding Warner Brothers threatening her most dedicated fans, and therefore, if we send enough mail to her agent, she may come around.  In my opinion, I think Rowling is being a coward, and letting Warner Brothers do the dirty work for her, in hopes that her most diehard fans won't refuse to open their wallets when "Harry Potter and his Corporate Minions" is released in 2002.  Rowling could very easily stop this all with 13 words: "I won't write another 'Harry Potter' book unless you stop harassing my fans."  Why hasn't Rowling done this?  Because, like George "Star Wars" Lucas before her, the only fantasy she really cares about anymore is the one she keeps having over how many
more millions she can make.   20th Century Fox has pulled these exact same stunts with a large chunk of fan-based Star Wars sites.  Has George Lucas done anything to help his fans?  Not unless you count Jar Jar Binks' winning sense of humor, and the 300th video re-release of the original trilogy.  Regardless, it all boils down to money.  J.K. Rowling and Warner Brothers are both convinced that they might lose some if those pesky fans keep building Harry Potter websites.  I wonder if either of them have ever taken the time to figure out that it is those same "pesky" fans that made them the millions/billions that they have made off of the Potter industry?  If this individual and the corporation she works for were scraping along to get by, I might be able to understand their actions, but last I heard Rowling brought home 15 million dollars for her last Potter book and Warner Brothers merged with AOL, for a combined worth of approximately 40 billion dollars.  Yet, by asking their millions of fans to only visit "official" sites and buy "official" merchandise, the two of them are essentially asking for handouts. Could someone throw them a quarter, send them to the soup kitchen, and tell them to shut the fuck up, already?  Thanks. 
-Alex Sandell, Editor

Politics

Another Bush designee shows her true colors:
It's happening so often, I'm starting to get sick of even reporting it, but, as a person that reports things that matter to this world, I guess I'm obligated to tell you that yet ANOTHER Bush designee, Gale Norton, is coming under fire for stating that, with the loss of the Confederacy, "We lost the idea that states were to stand against the federal government gaining too much power in our lives."  Seven leading environmental groups are holding a news conference on Friday to voice their opposition to Norton, stating that her comment shows she is too conservative for Interior Secretary.  Bush said the environmental groups were being "ridiculous."  I wonder if Bush has ever thought anything else about environmental groups?  Maybe Bush can fly the Confederate flag over the White House and pass a law requiring us all to eat at least three servings of grits per day, while he's at it.  Us guys over here on the left are still waiting for you to reach across the table, Georgie . . . and this time, while you're over here, why don't you do more than simply jerk us off?  
-Alex Sandell, Editor

They're gonna waste billions of YOUR dollars :
Defense Secretary-designee Donald Rumsfeld is insisting we need a national missile defense system.  It has been proven, time and time again, that this "Star Wars" bullshit does NOT work, and is a gigantic waste of money.  It also ticks off America's European allies, and Russia considers it a direct violation of the 1972 Anti-ballistic Missile Treaty.  Still, Rumsfeld and Bush are gung-ho about it, and they're determined to spend billions of tax-payer's dollars on something that doesn't even fucking work.  I mean, why help the homeless, protect the environment or cure cancer when you can spend billions on a useless "defense" program?  This is what you get when you elect a President with a 100 IQ.  Does anyone in England, Australia or Canada need a roommate?  I wanna get out of this land of ignorance, ASAP.  If you're interested in having a freaky webmaster guy from America live with you, email me.
-Alex Sandell, Editor

Corporate Watch (Business)

AOL-Time Warner deal approved:
Gawd, it just keeps getting worse.
-Alex Sandell, Editor

Law

Is killing a retard just?:
In Oklahoma it apparently is.  Wanda Jean Allen, 41, was the first black woman to be executed in the United States since 1954.  She was pronounced dead at 9:21 PM, yesterday evening, after being injected with a lethal dose of drugs at the Oklahoma State Penitentiary.  At 41, Wanda was almost old enough to match her IQ, which was 69 (about the same as our next President's).  Jesse Jackson tried to convince Oklahoma Governor Frank Keating, a big-time fan of state-sanctioned murder, that "without mental competency, with a case argued her that was not accurate, without legal protection," she should not be scheduled to die.  Keating would have none of that "goofy Negro talk," and denied Allen a 30-day stay on her execution.  Allen was put to death for the killing of her lover in 1988.  Apparently Governor Keating isn't going to face any punishment for allowing a record SEVEN people in his state to be put to death this month, through lethal injection.  Oklahoma's previous record was four people in 1933.  It's times like these that I hope there really is a God, so the killers without a heart can be punished for murdering those without a brain.  The Death Penalty MUST be eradicated in America!
-Alex Sandell, Editor

Health

Big tobacco is at it again: 
Philip Morris and other killers of innocents were behind successful campaigns destroying Swiss health measures to create smoke-free areas, such as workplaces and restaurants, and bans on cigarette advertising.  A study published Thursday said "The tobacco industry in Switzerland, as in the United States and the rest of the world, has been using the same strategies over and over to fight science and tobacco control policies."  It also claimed that tobacco companies' "well-organized network enables them to always stay up-to-date and exchange timely information and tested know-how between countries and regions."  So, Switzerland, you get to enjoy sucking in inconsiderate bastard's second hand smoke for years to come, just like us.  Isn't it great slowly dying because somebody else can't take their bad habit outside?   Big Tobacco is Satan.  George W. Bush likes it, though.  That's gotta mean, well, that doesn't "gotta" mean anything, really.
-Alex Sandell, Editor

Entertainment

The new Propagandhi CD is sort of poopy:
Expect my full review in the free stuff people send me to spray my Juice on section of The Juicy Cerebellum on February 6th, 2001, when the CD is officially released to the eager punk rock masses.  
-Alex Sandell, Editor

Calista Flockhart adopts baby boy:
David E. Kelley is expected to put him on a strict anorexic diet soon.

SCIENCE
He's just got this sort of "glow" about him . . .
Scientists have done it. They have made monkeys glow. Well, not completely.  The monkey in question, ANDI, contains a gene normally found in jellyfish, which is responsible for jellyfishes’ florescent luminosity.  Researchers are very pleased that the experiment was successful, because now primates can be used for genetic testing rather than mice. Good news for humans, bad news for monkeys.  This is an advantage for us, since monkeys’ DNA is very close to humans DNA.  Cures for diseases such as Parkinson’s or HIV are now more likely. Scientists were disappointed, though, that ANDI didn’t glow in the dark. There are expectations that he will begin to glow with age, once he’s grown into the new genes. Researchers claim that genetic manipulation in humans is still a long way off. But don’t be surprised if you start to see some mysterious glowing people walking about. Pretty soon wars will break out between those who are glowing, and those who are not (you’ve all read “The Sneetches," right?).  
-Ben Sandell, Juicy Cerebellum Science Correspondent
(All opinions are that of Ben, and may or may not reflect the views of The Juicy Cerebellum)

World
Sariel MIA:
The Juicy Cerebellum lost contact with its World Correspondent, Sariel Lehyani, when his plane went down just over Baghdad.  He was on his way to do a report on glowing monkeys discovered in the region.  
-Alex Sandell, Editor (and really bad liar)

Weather

Weather is so fucking boring:
Really, it is.  Even when it tries to be exciting. Twister sucked.

Horoscope
This segment is coming as soon as I find a self-deprecating astrologer with a good sense of humor.  
-Alex Sandell, Editor

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