Spray of the Day:
Totally Juicy News
12/20/00

Top of the morning!

Juicy Cerebellum plans on making the news irreverent and exciting:
Welcome to what is going to be a daily feature (outside of those days I don't feel like typing).  This is the first edition, and it was written rapidly between 6:00-7:30 AM, when I wanted to go to bed.  Consider this a preview of what is to come, and expect to read a far more fine-tuned, and thorough, news brief tomorrow morning, if I'm not dead, and you haven't gone blind.  

Politics

Recounts begin again:
12 news organizations, and some other people that I have too much seizure activity to remember, right now, are doing an unofficial recount of the ballots in Florida.  Did I mention I had seizure activity?  Although this section is the first you read, it's the last I write, and I'm pretty much unable to write it, currently.  Please enjoy all the news below, which I wrote before my fucking brain went traitor on me.  Thanks.

Business

Stocks expected to keep dropping:
Republican after Republican blamed Gore's contesting the results of the election on the drops in the stock markets, and also promised that, if the contest ended, the stocks would go up.  Now that Bush is definitely our next President, stocks have dropped more than they ever did during the "contest."  Of course the conservative money men don't blame Bush, in the way they blamed Gore, but rather they blame poor computer sales, companies warning that they won't meet their fourth quarter projections, the Feds decision not to cut interest rates, and, for all I know, homosexual Tele-Tubbies.  Way to be hypocrites, Republicans.  The pattern is beginning, once again.  Republicans destroy the economy and Democrats have to come in and clean it up.  "The more things change the more they say the same."  "Trickle down" my ass.  Ho-hum.  In better news (if you have no conscience whatsoever), stocks in tobacco and oil have surged ahead thanks to Bush getting into office.  Aha - George!  Now we see who your true friends are!  Big business, tobacco farmers and excessive polluters rejoice!

Health

Study says cell phones do not cause brain cancer:
In depressing news, a study says that cell phones do not have a direct link to causing brain cancer.  Luckily, the study doesn't address the possible long-term risks of using a cell phone, so there is still hope that those pretentious pricks that just can't wait until they get home, or the movie's over, to gossip about co-workers and gab about possible promotions, may have their "brains" melt five or ten years down the road.  Yippee!

Entertainment

Survivor to challenge Friends; nobody cares:
Smash hit Survivor is going up against smash hit Friends and nobody really cares, unless they're smashed.  Two stupid shows.  Which will you watch?  Thursday's my new "video" night!

Weather

Sub-Zero temps across USA today:
Old people are expected to die when shoveling snow.  Oh well, they didn't have much time left anyway.

Horoscope
This segment is coming soon.  (C'mon, it's 7:11 in the morning, I'm TIRED.)

Email me about the debut issue of "Spray of the Day: Totally Juicy Headlines"! Write about the news.  Write about the update.  Just write!  If people are interested in this, I'm going to put up a new message board to discuss the issues and I just may keep this up for a long time (like my penis during sex)!  (Oh, and if anyone is interested in doing a headline type graphic for it, get in touch.)

Back to the juicy cerebellum

2000 Alex Sandell [All Rights Reserved].  I'm too damn tired to think of a copyright notice.  Sorry.